Through the Darkness || Finn&Rey

Chapter 43

We sit quietly on the floor for a while before I find my voice "Rey..." I sigh. I begin to notice the temperature in the room is steadily rising, I must have turned the thermostat as high as it would allow, Rey must be extremely warm wearing my large jacket and I notice her cheeks have a rosy tint to them.

"Finn..." She mocks my tone, her breath rushing between my fingers which she still kisses.

"No, listen to me," She stays quiet, "We can't. I think it's best if we stay away from each other." My mind is making my mouth move, blocking the way my heart screams the opposite.

"You don't understand how much I want to hit you over the head with my staff-" She lets out a heavy laugh, and I quickly glance at it on the floor a few metres away. "-And hope that it will knock some damned sense into you. You're being ridiculous!" She shakes her head at me seriously.

"Rey, I can't, I mean it, I don't trust myself, I don't want to hurt you. Okay, maybe it wasn't entirely my fault, but what if Kylo comes back?" I raise my eyebrows at her, "What if next time you aren't as lucky?" She keeps my hands in hers and lowers them down into her lap before shuffling closer to me.

"Lucky? I'm miserable," she clenches her jaw tightly. "So are you, I can see it in your eyes," I look down, closing my eyes as if that will change something.

"What if next time he wants me to kill you?" My heart is screaming at me to stop fighting against her, to stop pushing and stop running, but my mind keeps trying to convince myself otherwise.

"There won't be a next time, Finn. I can help you to control your emotions, and then he wouldn't be able to get to either of us, but he can't anyway."

"What happened to him?" I ask, and she shakes her head.

"I don't know, but Leia told me I won't have to worry anymore," I am surprised by my lack of relief, I almost don't believe her.

"Leia?" I question smiling a tiny bit to hide my doubt, Rey shrugs.

"She told me I can call her that, a Force connection and stuff," I nod in understanding, not meeting her eye.
"What happened to everything you said to me that night in bed?" I can see her trying to restrain her anger. "You remember what you said to me, don't you?" She probes, raising one eyebrow, "The lies..." She murmurs. I nod slowly.

"I meant it then," I say quietly.

"So you meant it when you said you wouldn't run again?" She tests and I look down at our hands.

"That was before-" I slowly fade not needing to explain myself further.

"Finn, you knew I was afraid that you could leave me, and then you actually did," I honestly don't know what to say. I feel as though guilt slices open my veins and I bleed until I am consumed by emptiness.

I do not look at her eyes but rather her rosy cheeks and how a smear of tiny, dark beige dots speckle across them, rising up and over her nose like the dunes on Jakku. Who knew that the harsh damage of a scorching sun caused could cause such beauty. They are like constellations spreading across her face. I suppose she does have the light of the stars inside her.

"What's wrong?" She asks tentatively after a long silence. I shake my head.

"Nothing," I lie. Rey exhales a loud, exasperated sigh.

"I honestly don't know what else I can do," she huffs. Letting go of my hands she stands up and starts to pace up and down the span of the room. "Do I kiss you again? Do I yell at you? Do I leave you again and wait for you to come back to me? Because I'm scared that won't happen," her voice fades towards the end and I stay silent. I don't know if I would have gone back to Rey this time.

"You shouldn't have come back..." I say quietly, my heat aching as she stops pacing and looks down at me, speechless for a moment.

"I came back, because unlike you, I meant what I it when I said you make me happy, and I couldn't bare another moment apart from you." She stares at me, her mouth parted slightly and her brows crease together, "When Poe showed me that your beacon hadn't moved... I don't think you understand, I had never been so scared, not even when I was on Starkiller," I can't seem to find my voice, so I just watch her watch me.
"The only person I wanted to be with after everything that happened that morning with Kylo, was you," she adds never taking her intense gaze from me.

"Why?" Is the only word I can fathom.

She thinks for a long time before she answers, "Because you are the only person I want to be with," the moonlight starts to replace the setting sun and the room becomes darker.

"Even after what I did to you?" I whisper in disbelief.

"Of course, because I knew that you weren't in control," her head is ever so slightly tilted and her brow is slightly creased with an adoring reassurance.

"I almost killed you, how can you look at me like that?" I shift my weight and put my hands behind me. I should not have turned the thermostat up so much.

"Like what?" she asks, her expression changing to one of confusion.

"Like I am a good person," She closes her eyes momentarily, trying to contain her sudden irritation.

"You are! How many times do I have to explain it to you?" She states furiously.

"I don't know," I whisper, not seeing us leaving this continuous circle any time soon.

There is an extremely long, heavy silence. I sigh loudly.
"I miss you," she mumbles angrily and I am caught off-guard by her statement.

"It's only been a few days?" I retort. Why would miss me? I squint my eyes, for the first time realising I don't feel this aching numbness inside because of what I did to her: I feel it because I have missed her from the moment I turned my back on her in the infirmary.

"Finn, you need to stop. I can't seem to function without you. Okay?" She grumbles. Her words gradually sink into my skin and she continues, "I walk aimlessly around as if I'm missing part of my heart when we are apart," she is still mad, I can hear it, but her sincerity is clearer. I bite my lip to stop it shaking; she feels it too?

"Does it ache until you feel empty?" I ask not realising I said it out loud. She seems to become alert and focus deeply onto me before she nods slowly. "That's how I feel too," I whisper.

Rey's frustration returns. "Then what are you doing? Why do you want to live that way?" Her voice starts to rise, until she almost shouts.

"Because I deserve it," The room would be in complete darkness if it wasn't for the moonlight and the light from the corridor shining under the door.

"Alright, I'm tired of this," Rey removes my jacket and I begin to feel fear rise inside, is she going to leave? She quickly removes her vest, putting it on the floor before putting the jacket back on. She bends and unties her shoes, kicking them off. I follow Rey's hands as she lifts the bottom of my jacket slightly, gripping onto the waistband of her pants. My forehead creases in confusion.

"What are you doing?" my voice breaks slightly at the sight of her shimming out of her tight pants.