Through the Darkness || Finn&Rey

Chapter 33

I groan as I come to, my arms are heavy as I push myself up. I support myself by leaning back on one of my hands and use the other to rub the side of my head where a large lump has formed. A deep throbbing sensation pulses out as I massage the swollen mound; the pain spreads across my forehead causing my head to ache.
I sluggishly open my heavy eyes, taking uncomfortably staggered breaths. My blurry vision focuses on the carpeted floor of the bedroom. The afternoon sun shines through the drapes, did I sleep on here all night? My skin heats up as the memories of Rey and I together slowly return, however, they become hazy after a while. The last clear memory I have is Kylo Ren pacing back and forth at the end of the bed.
I become aware of the humid heat hanging thick in the air, even with the window blowing the drapes back and forth it is hot. I take deep breathes in an attempt to calm my headache. I am severely startled at the sound of the door crashing open, the handle smashing against the plaster wall. My body stiffens as terror flows through me, I turn my head towards the door; not being able to stand up. Poe stands in the doorway stunned, wearing a gray shirt and pants, for a moment at the sight of me, shirtless and slumped on the ground.
"Finn, buddy, Are you alright?" He asks, closing the door and rushing to my side. He collapses to his knees in front of me, grasping my face and turning the lump to the sunlight.

"What happened?" I ask, still trying to sort out what occurred.

"Kylo Ren got out, and well he came looking for Rey...." Poe continues to explain but I no longer hear his words as I begin to picture some more muddled memories. Poe notices how my jaw goes slack, hanging open and how my hands struggle to support my weight up as they shake.
"Finn..." Poe's voice slips into my mind but it's lost as all I see is one clear image shining through the hazy mess. I almost relive the way I held her under me, not in a tender, romantic way, in a cruel and domineering way. I sit up taking my hands in front of me and looking down at them with disgust as if I can still feel the skin of her neck between my fingers. I am unable to comprehend anything else and all I see is the fear in her eyes, the distress I caused. My stomach churns and I feel as if I may be sick.

"Is she dead?" I mutter; my focus still on my hands.

"What did you say?" He asks, rubbing my shoulder in a comforting way.

"Did I kill her?" I practically scream, glaring at him. Poe's eyebrows twitch and he sighs. I feel as if I'm on the verge of a slippery precipice and I am about to slide off.

He shakes his head. The tension in my creased brow relaxes, "She's in the infirmary..." I am on my shaky feet immediately. I ignore the way my vision blurs and a hot sweat spreads across my face.
"Finn!" Poe calls as I reach the door.

"I did something terrible," I wail, quickly opening the door. Guilt for the way I treated him will come later, but for now I rush down the corridors, occasionally veering into the walls; my perception lacking in accuracy.

I squeeze through the sliding door of the infirmary before it fully opens. I gaze through every window but most of the rooms are empty. A few nurses tell me not to run but I don't acknowledge them. I rush down the flight of stairs to the second ward, and I see her, standing at the desk taking with a doctor. Her white nightgown making her glow under the bright lights, and I feel like a monster who violated an goddess.
What am I doing? She won't want to see me after what I remember doing to her. I haven't even worked out the rest of what happened in that room, but I'm sure none of it ends in her wanting to be around me. As much as I want to leave, I cannot move my feet. She glances over her shoulder and her eyes meet mine, she quickly turns fully around to face me. There is a large distance between us and Rey hastily starts to close it. I take a slow step back, then freeze as I notice the faint yellowy-green and purple bruises around her neck, they are barely noticeable but I see them and I know they will only worsen.
"Finn..." She whispers as she approaches me, her soft voice makes me shudder and I so desperately need to get away from her but I still can't move. She puts her hands on my arms, I notice the sleeve of her nightgown soaked with blood. I shake beneath her fingertips.

"No, Rey, stop it, don't touch me..." I choke out the words, her hands stop caressing my bear arms.

"It's okay." She states calmly and I shake my head.

"No, you have to stop," my skin burns under her touch, and I carefully pry her hands from my arms and place them at her sides, letting go and putting a small step between us.

"Finn?" She questions and I can't look at her as I start to take another step away from her, "Finn!" She demands "Don't you dare walk away from me,"

"I have to," I say sincerely.

"No, you don't!" I feel her eyes staring at me but I don't meet her gaze.

"Look at what I did to you," I almost can't say the words.

"Look at what I did to you..." Her breath shakes as she takes a step closer, reaching out and slowly running her fingers over the throbbing lump on the side of my head. I flinch away, partly from the pain, partly from her touch.

"You did that?" I ask and she nods.

"I didn't want to, I didn't know what else to do," her voice cracks and she tries to conceal the way her eyes brim with tears.

"I'm a monster..." I whisper, her lip shakes and I fear she may no longer be able to hold back her tears.

She blinks rapidly, however, one escapes and drips down her cheek as she responds, "No you're not, it wasn't you, Finn, you'd never do that," she tries to convince me. I close my eyes for a single moment and all I can see is her terror stricken expression as my hand clasped around her neck. I open my eyes and her desperate and sorrowful look isn't much easier for me to witness.

I shake my head. "I don't know what happened, Rey, but I know that I was the one who did that to you and I'm sorry. I have to go," I head back towards the stairs, but she grips onto my hand to the point of pain and turns me to face her.

She sighs, searching my face, "Please we can't do this again, I can't bear to see you walk away from me," my shoulders slump, how is it that she is so willing to see past the fact I tried to assassinate her?

"I can't, Rey I don't trust myself around you," I admit, and she shakes her head hastily.

"No, Finn, don't you remember anything from last night?" She cries out, disregarding the fact a few nurses turn in our direction. I nod I would never be able to forget the way her body felt against mine. That doesn't matter now. My heart aches and I convince myself this is the right thing to do. "Then why are you doing this?" She mumbles.

"Because we protect each other, and I'm the one you need protecting from." Confused and miserable, I struggle out of her grip as she sobs slightly. I don't let her respond before I start to step further away from her. I watch as she covers her face with her hands as I turn my back on her. Darkness follows me as I walk up the stairs.