Through the Darkness || Finn&Rey

Chapter 12

As the weeks pass, the small fire of hope that burns before I enter my room reduces to smouldering, blackened coals.
I can't quite fathom my feelings: more often than not I feel a cavernous emptiness, like a glass without liquid, waiting to be filled. With each passing day I feel a gnawing sensation that I do not belong here. However, I do not belong anywhere. I am no one without the identity I was graciously bestowed with amongst the rush of adrenaline and fear. With a past of broken anonymity, I'll forever be a fugitive; fleeing from the aftermath of crimes and adventures I was thrust into.
I may have been liberated from conformity but I will forever be in a fragile limbo of glancing over my shoulder.

One night before I fall asleep I remember what Maz Kanata had said to me: That I have the eyes of someone who wants to run. I still do, I want to leave, disappear to a place while I can still escape. Maybe then the image of Rey won't haunt me when I sleep.

This morning marks a month since Rey left, I lay in my bed under a thin sheet, my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling. I jump slightly as someone knock thrice on the door – no one comes to my room, not even Poe. "Coming," I call out evicting myself from the single sheet that I was laying under, leaving the bed covers untidily strewn in all directions. The weather has warmed up significantly even with the closed curtains my room is already humid.

I rummage through my closet, finding a shirt I quickly slip it over my bare chest. I put on some thin pants as I awkwardly hobble to open my door. Starla stands before me, wearing her nurse's outfit, her blonde hair pulled back like always and she is holding a tray with a glass of juice and porridge. I step aside and let her in.

"Good afternoon," she states as she places the tray on the desk.

"Afternoon?" I question, Starla nods slowly with her eyebrows raised.

Taking in my untidy bed she curiously asks: "Have you been in bed all day?"

"Yes, it's only morning," I reply, confused. Starla glances around the room and takes the small clock from the desk, handing it to me.

"When you didn't come for breakfast I assumed you were busy with Dameron..." I look at the clock face which reads three pm, I stare at it. Had I really stayed in bed all day, just lying there?

"I, I didn't realise the time, sorry," I can't explain myself; I don't even have an excuse.
Starla ignores my comment.

"Then when he was brought into the infirmary he wished you'd seen his crash-" I cut her off immediately

"What, Poe crashed, is he okay?" Starla sighs.

"If you'd let me finish, he crash landed... Yes, he is in a neck brace-" She notices how wide my eyes get, but quickly explains before I interrupt her, "-but it is just a precaution, he's still undergoing some tests, I'm sure he will be fine,"

"I need to see him," I state, already walking to the door.

"Finn, come back." Starla's serious tone makes me walk back to face her. "How long has it been since I've seen you?" She asks with one eyebrow raised and her lips pursed.

"Three?" I question quietly, and she moves her head up and down slowly, she doesn't have to ask I turn around and pull my shirt over my head.

"Good. Finn, it looks a lot better, having you been noticing?" I think about it for a moment and realise I hadn't ever looked at my scar properly.

"To be honest, no," I admit.

"Come over here. She opens my wardrobe and makes me stand in front of the full length mirror "Look." I glance over my shoulder there is a mismatch of skin, all different shades from dark to light. There are some large deep red patches and small stark white lines; it is hideous but I know it has healed considerably. Starla's familiar touch rubs the ointment into my shoulder; the burn has scarred, but is hardly noticeable. I watch as she strokes the ointment into the large mutilation on my back, it is a strange sight to behold.