To Love Again !!!

Chapter - 77

Abhay stood by the window of his house as he looked out into the night. They had returned fifteen minutes ago. He wasn't sure how he had pulled through the remainder of the evening but both Kapil and Natasha had maintained their distance after the huge showdown on the terrace and he had been grateful. He wasn't sure under the circumstances he would have been able to take any more strain. He wasn't sure how Amrit was doing either. She was favoring her right side more when they had left the ballroom. Not to mention she had been quiet all this while. She was sitting on the couch staring at his back and he knew it. But he didn't know what to say to her.

The scene had been ugly there was no doubt about it. And though old wounds had been reopened he knew some unsaid truths had come out too. He wasn't sure what to think anymore or how to feel. His senses numb. He had never known Natasha hadn't loved him. Maybe he had but he hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. He had been so besotted with her, what a fool. What an idiot to never know how his own best friend felt about the girl he loved? And he probably did love her more as he was still standing next to her after everything that took place in the evening. What was the most baffling of all that he hadn't known Natasha still had the tools to hurt him? In what capacity had he thought it wouldn't matter seeing her again? Even if he called himself ten kinds of fool he wouldn't be able to understand. She was right he was a loser. A loser who hadn't understood how she could never love anyone but herself. A failure who hadn't been able to save his own marriage. Funny how he had lost two important relationships in one go and yet had the nerve to give lectures to others on how to preserve. The biggest irony of all he had told this to Amrit when they had met for the first time. Natasha's words echoed through his brain and for the first time in years he had to agree he had never healed. He had never moved on. His confidence in himself was just a sham. And acknowledging that was the bitter truth he found lodged in his throat. He was unable to swallow it. He felt tired and defeated.

He thought about Amrit. She was such a fierce person, so confident in her ability to hold her own she had even defended him when he should have been able to do it all on his own. Why couldn't he have used the same words? Why couldn't he defend himself? Why was he always running from confrontations? Because he didn't have the guts. No, because he had never once been harsh to a woman before came the answer from some tiny part of his conscience that was still able to rationalize. Why the hell did he have to feel guilty for others' acts? Why was he so soft? And he knew very well that Natasha had known when she had flung those words at him that he would never retaliate. That was how well she knew him. Had Amrit not interfered he would have let Natasha walk all over him. Did he still love her? He stopped at that thought. No, he didn't. That love had died a long time ago then what was it. He frowned. His thoughts his emotions were so badly messed up at this point he couldn't sift through them. He heard Amrit shift and that brought him back from his morose introspection to her.

She must have been in so much pain but she resolutely stood by him. Fought for his dignity and respect. He had tried to stop her but she hadn't listened. She had taken the insult Natasha had hurled at him personally. And he had been ashamed. Not of her. He couldn't have been more proud of the girl he had married. She was as loyal and honest as they came. She was a beautiful woman and he almost laughed at the words she had used for him. She had called him 'a beautiful human being', a 'treasure' when he was neither. She had given back every word Natasha had used and more. What Jassi had never been able to say Amrit had very effectively put it into words. How could he be angry at her? And he knew she thought he was. Abhay had always been able to know how she felt and what she thought as if he was one with her. And while every other time the feeling had bothered him today it calmed him, soothed him. Just her presence was sufficient to make him feel whole again. But it was her declaration of love that had stunned him. She loved him? He couldn't believe it. She liked him he knew that. She was attracted too but love...that gave a whole new meaning to their relationship. And he wasn't sure. He had loved once and he was still reaping the effects of it. And though he knew it in his heart he trusted her with his life his brain refused to accept her declaration. What were the chances she had just said those words to ward off Natasha? And the doubt grew. It could be just a way to shut her up because she had tried to use it against her. It wasn't right. This deduction didn't feel right. Amrit wasn't a shallow person and she would never use a word like love just for the heck of it. She wasn't Natasha. If she said something that serious with all honesty then she felt it. Was it right? Was it good for her to fall in love with a broken man like him? A man who had become a shadow of who he once was? What if he would never be able to reciprocate? What if he ended up breaking her trust and heart? Then she would turn into something like him. And he could never see her like that. He could never watch her return to the shell she had been living in. She was a great girl and she deserved the best not a loser. She will have to go. And his heart froze at that thought. But he forced himself to believe this was for her own good. He didn't know if he would ever be the same person again and he didn't want her to be stuck with him for life. Jassi was right she was a treasure and treasures should be kept safe not abused and that is exactly what her life would become if she stayed with him.

"Abhay," he heard her say softly, "what are you thinking? It has been over three hours and you haven't spoken one word. I am getting worried," she said and he heard her worry. "Are you alright?" she asked.

Abhay knew he would break her heart today but it was for the best. He didn't deserve someone like her and she deserved better than him. He took a deep breath.

"I think you should leave," he said finally breaking the silence.

What was destiny to do when men decided to be bullheaded? And she sighed shaking her head. She hoped Amrit would make him see reason that is if she could.

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