To Love Again !!!

Chapter - 62

Roop entered beeji's room when she saw Amrit going in. She watched her eldest daughter pick up a box and turn then pause. It saddened her to see Amrit's smile fade away. Guilt rose within her like a tidal wave threatening to drown her. How could they reach a stage where she didn't know what to say to her daughter anymore? How happy she had been when Amrit had been born? How lovingly had she kept Amrit's name, so exactly when had she become a stranger to the same daughter. Why had she let people and their hypocrisies take precedence over how she should have treated her? There was nobody at fault but her.

"Did you need something ma?" Amrit asked.

She had watched her mother all evening and she had noticed something very different about her today. She was much quieter, less nervous and she had been watching Amrit from time to time through the party. As if she wanted to say something but didn't know what or how. Amrit recalled beeji's words from earlier this evening about how her mother had confronted Simrit and what she had told her. Amrit was still in disbelief about that though and with Simrit deciding to opt out of the evening celebrations she had no way of knowing the equation between her mother and Simrit. She watched as her mother looked away and smiled sadly.

"I wanted to talk to you Amrit," she said slowly, "the problem is I don't know how. I should know because you are my daughter but somewhere along the way I have made it so awkward it has become pathetic," she said sadly.

Amrit was shocked. She hadn't realized her mother was feeling this repentant. Hadn't she realized how awkward things had become between them? And though she knew her mother held the majority of the blame she was a party to it too. Hadn't she distanced herself from her family? She could have told them how she felt, she could have shouted at them for the injustice she was facing, she could have thrown a tantrum too but she hadn't done any of that.

"Ma, please," Amrit said but Roop shook her head and she had to keep quiet. It seemed her mother had a load on her chest that she wanted off.

"If you have some time now can we talk?" Roop asked.

Amrit nodded.

"Amrit, when you were born, I had been the happiest mother," Roop started, "for me you were the most beautiful baby ever. I think every mother feels the same way. And I cherished you too. I gave you a name just as beautiful 'Amrit'," she said and smiled softly as if remembering the day, "it meant pure, true. I remember when you said your first word, took your first step the things you did. Then Simrit came and I was equally happy. I named her too. For me, then, the two of you were the same," she said then sighed. "When that changed I don't know. When other people's opinions started mattering, when everything I had learnt growing up or seen growing up took over I don't know and slowly Simrit became more important than anything or anybody," she said and dared to glance at how Amrit was taking her words.

Roop was surprised to see Amrit wearing a neutral expression on her face. Though it gave her the courage to go on it didn't tell her anything about what Amrit was thinking. She decided it was better this way. At least Amrit wasn't showing disdain towards her.

"I am not giving any excuses Amrit," she said slowly, "I probably don't have the right to even be here and talk to you but I realize my mistake. My old school background where I was taught that fairness of the skin was true beauty blinded me towards everything. They say a mother never discriminates amongst her children but I did like plenty others," she said her anguish at what she had done over the years getting the better of her, "I know what I have done is wrong only I am acknowledging now, because of my acts Simrit got emboldened in her devious ways but trust me if you can Amrit, I had never thought she would turn out this way. I had never thought that she would hurt you this way," she said sincerely as she went on, her voice was breaking and yet she had to say what she had been wanting to since afternoon. Maybe her words were not as effective but she was sure Amrit would understand, "I had never intentionally wanted you hurt Amrit, believe me," she said beseechingly, "I could never hurt my first born and yet I did because of my blind support to my middle daughter. I can't imagine how much pain you must have gone through on the day Simrit broke your marriage. It hurt me too but I consoled myself telling myself it was better this way than having three people miserable, at least two were happy. What I should have done was stood with the one who was wounded the most? But I didn't. And you have all the right to blame me for it Amrit," she said with regret at her past actions as tears flowed down her cheeks, "how could I not realize how much my own child was hurting, how much pain she had encapsulated inside her, how much anger? I am a failure as a mother," she said as she cried harder, "I am sorry Amrit for every wrong I have done by you. I am so sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me the most. You have every right to be angry at me, every right to punish me. I am the reason you had to endure so much, I am the one responsible for so much anguish to you. Had I curbed Simrit's behavior when she was a child I wouldn't have to see this day," she said lamenting, "beeji kept warning me, even Nimmi hinted at times especially when Simrit threatened Kulraj's happiness but I still didn't see where I was lacking. I am sorry Amrit. If you can find it in you to forgive me please do," she said pleading with Amrit, "I could repeat the words a thousand times if that would make you forgive me," she said.

Amrit hadn't known she could cry again today but she did. Silently. Her mother's realization at how wrong she had been hadn't moved her but her apology did. She had never thought her mother wanted to apologize to her when she had said she wanted to say something. Amrit had seen how tough it had been for her, heard her broken voice, she could have stopped but she didn't. She had gone on as if she would never get another opportunity and Amrit had just stood there as a statue listening to her. She had only wanted Roop to acknowledge her not ask for forgiveness. The point was everything she had just said was true and the question was could she find it in her to forgive her.

"Why now ma?" she asked shakily. "Why after so many years? What has changed?" she asked.

"Me," Roop answered, "I can't call myself naïve because I was not. I can call myself stupid because I was. But apology is all I have to give and a promise that I will try to be fair from now on," she said on a promise.

Amrit moved. She walked up to her mother and held her hands in hers.

"Ma," she said softly, "what you did or what you didn't do...let us not discuss it anymore," she said and watched her mother's tear stained face rise as she looked up towards her, "I am not saying I forgive you," she said and watched her mother's eyes fill up with more tears and guilt but she refused to be moved by them, "yes, you hurt me and because of that hurt I went through a lot of pain too but to blame you completely is also not possible. A lot of factors are responsible for whatever happened. Don't think I am absolving you of blame but...what I am trying to say is you have to give me some time. I need to get over this first before I can forgive anybody. Having said that I accept your apology and we can work towards building a better relationship from here on," she said and smiled a little.

Roop nodded her head in agreement.

"This is enough Amrit," she replied, "I promise I will try and be a better mother from here on. Just the fact you have accepted my apology makes me feel lighter," she said then raising her hands to Amrit's head pulled it towards her and kissed her forehead, "thank you Amrit," she said, "thank you very much."

And then they hugged each other. Had Abhay not witnessed this entire scene for himself he would never have understood how truly beautiful a person Amrit was. Though somewhere he already knew. He smiled as he watched the mother and daughter. He saw Amrit's eyes find his and he nodded his approval.

Destiny nodded too, with relief. One down one to go. Past needs to be resolved from both ends for things to move in the right direction i.e. towards the future. Only it was never easy. Because Amrit was as different from Abhay as he was from her. Would Abhay be able to show the same courage Amrit did or would he face his final defeat?

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