547 days

One more day

I've stopped replying to my friends. I have missed a few calls from H and I called her back.
I've been talking to Iehab on and off throughout the days.

they're making plans and stuff for next week and bless them I know they're thinking of me and I find it so thoughtful but it's distracting me. So I've fully just stopped opening messages.
I mean it's good in a way cos I have stuff to look forward to. There's actually loads I'm looking forward to after my exam, specifically sleep. There's a few things coming out especially tv shows and things that I've laid off for revision and films coming out after my exam and it's perfect timing. Wanna go to WSM beach with A&B he invited me for after my exam. And other bits and bobs.

I've tanned sooo much from yesterday and today. I'm literally like two or three shades darker. Even Iehab who bullies me for being white (it's a joke pls don't get offended) said that my skin is dark. It's like I went to Iran lol. It's only on my arms. I've been wearing shorts all weekend but my legs haven't tanned from the angle I've been sat. But I've got a bunch of itchy swollen bruised bug bites on both legs. I showed my parents and Iehab and they were like bloody hell. To be fair I haven't had bites this bad in ages. I think I've been stung or something. I've got a bit of a tan on my chest/cleavage area and I got a sunburn on my scalp 👀🫣 I did put sun screen on but didn't think to put any on my scalp lol. Have a bit of sunburn on my right bicep  I got a small heat rash on my arm, I always get this though, in the same spot on the same arm, even had it in Iran for the almost three months. It's not really a rash cos it doesn't itch.
I can't tell if my face has tanned, probably a little. I've kinda broken out now cos I'm due my period tonight / tomorrow.

I'm happy I was able to enjoy the hot weather. I had banging magnum ice cream, don't really like magnum but this was delicious. And I had a nice revision set up today, dad helped me.

I've been doing a light workout every morning (a part from Friday cos my body ached from gym) using the kettle bell A got me. I don't think the workouts  made a difference lol cos I've been having some period cravings, actually I've been quite good this period. I haven't been craving much. All I was craving today was Cadbury chocolate which I had three squares of today and that's it. but the exercise makes me feel good and I like exercising soooo it's a win.

Tonight and tomorrow will be all nighters. Gotta bang it out now. One more day of revision left and then it's over. Yes, the stress is getting to me.

I felt really emotional last night. Like proper emotional. Hadn't felt like that for a few months, this period, even though it hasn't started yet, has been messing with my hormones. I opened TikTok in my break last night and literally the first thing I seen made me CRY. I'm not talking small tears, but massive fat tears. And then I was on call with H cos I had a missed call from her and I ended up laughing whilst still crying cos I couldn't believe I was crying over something stupid.

I need to clear out my photo album theres loads of unnecessary stuff on there like revision stuff and whatnot . And I was having a look and came across this

Kinda sad that I took this just in case
to be able to identify. It was the only way I could take a pic that would differentiate him and make me remember. His tattoo. When I say I'm scared of someone, I really mean it. Notice how I'm not sat next to him even though there's an empty chair? I was charging my phone by the socket and used that as an excuse to stand there.
This is the guy I was telling Iehab about. I've actually wrote an entire diary draft the other day but haven't uploaded it.

if someone hasn't actually done anything to me and by "done" , I mean rape or touched and stuff like that, then I think I'm being stupid and silly and that it's nothing to write about, hence why I haven't uploaded it. He hasn't done anything like that. But I feel like he could.

I remember reading up about a girl who was being harassed and she told someone and no one believed her and the guy harassed her until he eventually raped her, she again told people but they told her to get a grip. She ended up killing herself.

This is partly why I keep stuff to myself. Cos I'll always be worried the person I'm telling will think it's not a big deal. But it is. It is a big deal. To be made uncomfortable, to feel scared, to feel off about someone. I've wrote what he did in a previous diary that I haven't uploaded yet. But one "small" thing could be the step to more.

Sometimes I think.
Do girls like being touched by strangers? , is it just me who feels unsafe? Do girls like the attention? Cos I don't. Is it me? Is this normal? Surely not. It's not normal to feel scared and uncomfortable around someone surely. All it takes is for it to start from an arm. Then what's next?

I cba to get into it, I've wrote an ENTIRE long diary on this guy, il upload it later. Just used my revision break writing about someone who doesn't deserve it.

And this is another reason why I feel so safe around A. And I've wrote the reasons why as well in the diary I've wrote but haven't uploaded. I probably will after my exam . I also trust him.

I don't want stuff on my mind and to be fair, I'm good at pushing things aside and not thinking about them, especially this type of stuff. Especially so close to my exam. But I saw the pic in my phone and I was like, well I wanna write about it so I will. I won't be on placement anyways since placement is over.

Anyways one more day left.
And then I can do everything I've been holding off. The girls were talking about Bridgerton on placement when we were at lunch and I was like please no spoilersssss. It says I've been watching it on Netflix and that I'm on episode 4, but honestly it's been background noise when I've been tidying my room or whatever so I need to go back and watch it form the start.
Anyways
Back to revision I go 😭. Think I'll aim to stay up until 4/5am tonight