547 days

Dreams

Dear diary
Maybe I should never have wrote about the bruise and things because I ended up having dreams, or I should say nightmares not dreams.

Firstly, I ended up having dreams about my exam and it was so stressful I ended up stressing out in my dream like my brain was so active last night

Secondly, I had a nightmare of the guy raping me. He actually had the audacity to tell me to come back next week to take more bloods. This is real life now not my dream. I don't wanna go again back there next week, but it's also the best place to take bloods and learn. I don't wanna see him again .

I woke up in the middle of the night I think a few times. I did have a dream of Ayrton too. It wasn't anything crazy I literally just fell asleep next to him in a car or something idk where we were. Honestly that's probably my brains way of telling me who I feel safe around. I think the fastest I've fallen asleep was when I fell asleep on his leg in his room and then right after I got up from his leg and fell asleep next to him so fast, not only was it quick but I felt so safe. That's important to me.

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I need to talk about today
I had a really nice time and I'm glad he invited me I needed a mental break. I'm gonna stay up a bit now though to do some more revision. I actually laughed loads with B in the mirror rooms or whatever it was , was so funny lol

Honestly I loved Everything about today but I low-key wish we walked on the beach and I kinda wanted donuts but I'm happy with the cookie dough.

I have no idea how he knew about placement. Not sure if I'm that easy to read? I accidentally let it slip that there's that guy I was scared of I can't remember what I said exactly but it just slipped out I wasn't thinking.

He kept pushing me to say what happened and I almost cried I didn't like how he was pushing me especially in front of B. There's a time and a place and then he seemed a little annoyed at me when it really isn't my fault.
I think guys sometimes forget what it feels like for girls when they feel vulnerable. It's hard. Like honestly put yourself in a girls shoes who feels uncomfortable to talk about something and then is pressured to say

He kept saying I was lying but I didn't wanna be forced to say things there and then, I just chose not to say some stuff. I did tell the truth. About the sandwiches. I appreciated that he cared I get it, I get that he was annoyed and I get that he's annoyed or frustrated because he cares . But it's my choice to tell what happened. It's my body. What happened, happened to me and my body, so it should be up to me whether or not I want to discuss anything or not. But I think a different approach would have been better when B wasn't there or say something like we will talk about things later. I did want to talk to him about it later. In private . I didn't want him to know but now he does and he probably has a right to know. He kept saying I was lying I was so tempted to show him the bruise which is now even darker and more painful.

I was in a lot of pain today , this bruise is the type of bruise where it physically hurts when I raise my arm or anything

So I've actually just got home and I'm not even fully dressed yet like I'm half naked in my underwear cos I just had to get this all off my chest.

So. The sandwiches. I'd never worked in that department and a patient asked me for a cheese sandwich. I tried finding the kitchen but I couldn't. So he said he'd show me. He was the first person I seen that wasn't busy, should have asked someone else to be honest. It was all the way around a corner , you'd never even guess it was even a kitchen.  small, and it had a small fridge to the left and the sandwiches were in there, I'd never have found the room without any help.
But I couldn't find the actual fridge, so when we walked in, he was like It's here but never pointed so I was like ?? Where?? Because the fridge kinda looked like a cupboard like you know those fridge cupboards? Idk how to explain it but my auntie has one. and then I bent down to see the sandwiches but it was low lit so I couldn't even see where the cheese sandwiches were. So I was like I can't find it. So then he kinda budged me out the way and I was looking at other things in this room and then he yanked my arm back so he pulled me back towards the fridge and towards him. Handed me a sandwich. He still had a firm grip around my arm. Ayrton asked me if I told him he was hurting me. And I didn't. I couldn't. Honestly I just freeze. And it's not my fault.