547 days

Saturday 31st December 2022

Saturday 31st December 2022

New Years Eve

So here it is, it's official. I made a new account.

547 days. It begins now. We'll see how long this lasts, if I can commit to it. No one will even read this, it's not a story for people to find and read and I'm okay with that. I'd rather spare people reading my stressful life.

I woke up sad today. It's starting to feel like it's the new normal for me unfortunately. I'm not exactly sure why I woke up so sad. I didn't cry but I just felt empty. I know one of the reasons why I was sad is because I woke up late, 11am. It's funny because a few years ago, or even last year, waking up at 11 wouldn't be that late to me, but because I'm so used to waking up earlier now, it felt wrong and as if I wasted my morning just sleeping.

I went to sleep last night with slightly wet hair so when I woke up this morning, my hair was very curly, I need to sort that out. I checked if I had a message off Ayrton, I should stop checking to be honest, it's the first thing I did when I woke up. I'm not sure if we are meant to be speaking, or just speak like twice a week. This didn't come with a set of rules and guidelines, and it shouldn't. Love shouldn't be like that. But unfortunately, this is our situation.

I was very happy when I saw a message, I was thinking of him in that moment and he messaged. Was a brief conversation but it was better than nothing.

I'm still confused how much access my family have to my phone. They have mentioned some things that they'd only know from my phone. Such as how I asked my friends to cover for me for certain things, they mentioned that. I said yesterday that I didn't want to move out but the feeling is back again. They haven't really done anything wrong, it's a strange feeling. They've left me alone which is what I wanted but it's not really 'left alone' either. I haven't even been to the gym  because I don't know how to go about it and all the invasion of privacy stuff. I get that I lost their trust but it's also a bit much. I wish things were really different, and even though I'm very indecisive, I can make some impulse decisions and I feel like this whole moving out thing will be on my mind for a while. I need to gauge the situation. I think I'll eventually act on it.

Ayrton said he's going to London tonight for new years to watch the fireworks. I'm happy he's happy. He also said his son wants to bleach his hair, which prompted all the feelings of me wanting to do something to my hair. I do and I don't. I want to change it, but I don't want to lose my curls or damage my hair even more. It's already dry as it is. But I just want a change with something. My best friend Haria, is coming over tonight. We were going to write things on plates and smash them. But I think we just want to chill instead. She needs a talk, she hasn't been feeling the best last night due to a friend of hers so I know she needs me to talk to. We can also get some food and watch a film or something. A chilled New Years Eve to be honest.

I'm fasting today. I came off my period yesterday. Did the necessary Ghusl shower. Removed the nail polish and had a fullllll body cleanse and hair removal. This is my 3rd day of fasts to make up for. I have 4 days left. I'm planning on fasting the next 4 days too. I don't have an appetite as it is, my eating habits are all over the shop floor at the moment, I normally don't eat late but because I don't really eat during the day, when no one's downstairs, I go and eat. I don't know lol. I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon.

The doorbell just rang. It's the post. I wonder if it's my new book. I'll see if they give it to me or not. --- Turns out, it was one of my parents parcels instead. I went downstairs and saw the iPad though as I asked for it last night. I have made a list of things to do today. I've never been the type to make lists of what I want to do during the day. It never works for me. But I'll do it today. I am however, someone that always makes lists when going on holiday for packing and stuff.