547 days

im just sad. confused.

Dear diary,

I am so confused and I am so surprised.
I would never have thought the things he said cos he's never addressed them to me before.
Even now I'm confused on where we stand. I asked him the next step and he said idk.

The reason I asked in my text yesterday to either call or meet up is because I knew a conversation about arguments or the relationship in general should be done in person, hence why I said we could meet up. I don't think he would have done this conv in person though cos he wasn't even gonna call as I asked him if he was gonna call, think he said probably not. Then I asked if we could FaceTime and he was like no. The reason I asked FaceTime is bc it's the closest we would get to doing it in person.

The reason why I'm so shocked, is because to me, everything was okay-ish on Sunday. Yeah I did tell him I noticed a few things off lately but I realised he's focussed on the bad and not the good, I told him, you're fixating on the bad and he said bc the good can't be fixed so I said so we can fix the bad instead.

I didn't cry when I was in bed last night, I think I was so drained I fell asleep around 1, but I woke up at 3 and was awake until like 5ish. My brain is loud. I was reminiscing on everything.

Like how just the other week when I was at his house and we were lying in bed together, he said this is how it would be like with each other in bed.

Or just on Sunday he was talking about houses and he said maybe we could live together in one of these one day. Like it all seemed so okay.

Just in January , after we broke up and got together, he said, or wrote, I love your beautiful mind, I will wait for it for as long as it takes. This is literally last month!

He told me last month, I could talk to him about anything and he promised to get back to me respectfully. These are his words over text. He even wrote me a whole note after the break up, he also gave me his word he'd always be there for me if I ever needed him. I'm not sure if all this still stands... I'm hoping it does. it's a shit feeling.

I'm so confused! I was telling him we can work through things, somehow understand each other, to see a future together because I still believe there's a future.

I think he needs some time and space to figure out what he wants. But he needs to tell me what he wants, in person. Cos the last thing that was said was literally good night. Idk where that leaves me. Idk a thing. It's not fair on me. All I know is he said he isn't sure and doesn't see a future. He said he wants a night together for us but im not sure we could do that and I said do you think that would change things and he said idk.

If I feel like it would change things then honestly I will. I'm telling you now, between me, this diary and anyone who will ever read this, I will 100% spend a night with him at a hotel, soon, if he thinks it would change things. I will, I'm being firm, I will. This is how much I am willing to make things work. Of course I wanted to do these things with him before, but would it change how feels now? he says he doesn't know. I want to do these things too. I remember one time it was me that was upset we couldn't do more things and he was the one consoling me saying he'd already accepted this and knew what he had gotten into so it didn't bother him so something's changed that is bothering him.

Last nights sleep took me back to Decembers break up when I couldn't sleep or eat. It was traumatising and I remember not wanting to face the day. I didn't think I'd be going through the same feelings. Not this soon anyway. I can't even help it, it's my body acting on its own. I couldn't sleep at all and when I did manage to sleep, the dreams were of him. I did see my grandad in my dream at one point though last night, made me miss him, my grandad used to call me honey, and my cat.