547 days

Saturday 21st January 2023

Dear diary,

I feel way better, I also had some good breakfast. I've been awake for ages but only just got out of bed. It's also freezing this morning. - 9:43am

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Well fuck me.
I crashed my dads car, the back window and a massive dent in the boot.

Thankfully Lorenz came and he kinda fixed it up but I got an earful from him. Even my parents were more calm than him. But I low-key understand him but he said something about me being worse than drug dealer guy and kept emphasising murder as if I didn't already hear it the first time.

I was dreading going home. Yeah my sisters have scraped the cars before but nothing ever like this.

The drive home was fine it was very foggy and the sunset was really nice, I managed to see somewhat through my tears.

I didn't even step foot in the house I just opened the door and said I crashed it. My mum was extremely calm and said at least I wasn't hurt, but my dad was annoyed and I get it. He never raised his voice at me or yelled, I think they could tell I was scared and really sorry.

My mum hugged me and I broke down sobbing and I said I'm really sorry and I'm normally a good driver and I just wanted to straighten out the wheel and I just underestimated it and crashed.

I told her how my life is never going right and I'm always disappointing everyone. I'm a constant disappointment. You should have seen Lorenz's face today. He was more disappointed than my parents.

My mum was like don't think like that and stuff like that and the main thing is I'm alright. I told her a stranger named Dave helped me. Dave said he couldn't just leave me, I could have been his wife or sister or anything or daughter.

I just feel so low and bad for my parents. This weekend was meant to be chilled. I'm still crying as I type this and I'm not 100% sure why, because no one apart from Lorenz has yelled at me or raised their voice.

I am normally a decent driver and now I have to prove to everyone I'm good. I hate being such a disappointment. I'm so happy my parents are so calm. I wish I could stop crying.

The glass kinda went everywhere and I think a piece went in my hand cos I noticed blood on my hand when I came home and my ankle was bleeding and there's blood in my new shoes.

I just wish my life was better and I was better at everything and not a constant failure and disappointment and people didnt think so low of me. I was looking forward to chilling and drinking bubble tea and everything else.

I'm gonna turn my phone off I'm not feeling the best at all mentally. My mum was like we are so happy to have you as our daughter don't ever think like that and stuff.

If anything, I've given myself a form of birth control lol to not have kids. Because as a child of my parents, they never know what's coming through the door with me, one min everything's fine and the next I've smashed their window.

It wasn't too long ago my mum accidentally backed into something and broke something so i know accidents happen. I just hate the fact I'm the one that did it. I'm gonna get back to Lorenz's message then turn my phone off, and my friends wanted to meet me tomorrow to make sure I was okay. Guess I have to be paying for train money.

Alhamdulilah it all could have been worse but I'm a disappointment and a worthless waste of a life.
Gonna spend the entire night bawling my eyes out. I cried briefly in Lorenz's car but I really held it together then because right now I'm sobbing as if the world is gonna end tomorrow.
I hate doing things wrong and fucking up and now I'm the biggest fuck up of all time.

Dave the stranger was like don't worry your day will only get better. I'm waiting for my entire life and existence to get better.

Lorenz didn't seem like he wanted to hug me.

My mum keeps saying don't cry and she doesn't ever wanna see her kids cry and sad, but the reason I'm crying so much is because I'm such a disappointment.
The one thing I never want to be is a failure and look at me.

Lorenz said the other day I should be proud of myself. What's there to be proud of.

I will say I'm so grateful for Ilham as well (as well as my other friends and family and Lorenz) because I was on the phone to her before Lorenz came and I was like idk how I'm gonna afford this and she was like I'll transfer it to you. Like she didn't even give it a second thought.

17:11pm