547 days

Just shut up.

I beg just listen to yourself.

It's so unfathomable to me how people treat you the way they want to and always think they're right? How does that work? So selfish and so fucking rude. Just sit down and listen to yourself for fucks sake like.

👏🏼YOURE 👏🏼A👏🏼 STUDENT 👏🏼LIKE 👏🏼ME👏🏼

If I had done that, I'd be demolished. I wouldn't hear the end of it. I cannot DEAL with her anymore. I CANT. I want to go home. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. Maybe I should start treating her the way she treats me? But I can't do that cos I'm too nice.

I bit my tongue. I'm so so so so fucking angry. But my mother and my religion have taught me to bite my tongue in moments of anger because the reward is worth much more after and it builds patience and character .

If everyone spoke out of anger when they wanted to, the world would be a much worse place and everyone would be cruel. There would be no good people. I'd like to think I'm one of the good ones. I really try. I am tamping. I'm holding in my tears because apparently I'm NEVER good enough.

What is it that people think they can walk all over me? To humiliate me? To doubt me?

I left the consultation room when it was her turn with the patient , when I'm done with someone I don't even want to be in their proximity. I am done with her.

I called Ilham and she agrees with me and told me to tell her how it is straight but I told her I'm just too nice of a person and can't do it. I'll continue to bite my tongue.

I've never been fully done with someone apart from my middle sister. This is how much Honey has pushed me. It takes A LOT for me to be done with someone.

She even commented on something again last week and I stayed quiet and didn't tell anyone about it.

I don't tell anyone but I genuinely think I have a lot of patience. I am kind. And I do try to be humble. I don't think highly of myself but I can acknowledge my good traits because I know I also have a lot of flaws. I know I'm not perfect and I try. But I feel like she always thinks she's perfect and clearly doesn't think she's in the wrong like, ever.
I do think I have a really big and kind heart and I honestly think people do misuse my kindness and take it for granted. I wish I was appreciated.

That's my rant done. I've got no one to tell. I did tell Ilham some things but not all of it. I should be able to go to Lorenz about this too. That level of security and trust but I guess this is my flaw as well because I want to keep everything inside of me. No one really needs to know. I just can't deal with that insane level of emotion in that moment. I have to walk out which is exactly what I did. I walked out the room and took 30 minutes to myself. I experience emotions strongly so I need to deal with them the way I know best. Everyone deals with their emotions differently.

Now that I've had my rant, I feel more calm.
Funny thing is, apart from Ilham. No one knows how I truly feel. That is why she's my best friend. I can go to her for anything and I'll listen to her advice. And she's always there for me. She won't judge and I'm there for her too.
Now I have to act like I'm all good and happy and if Lorenz or anyone asks how my day was, it was fine. Everything is fine I guess. As always.

I'm not going to ignore all the good traits Honey has, she is an amazing friend when she can be. But friends don't make friends feel that way. Friends don't belittle each other. Friends don't talk to each other like that. She is a good person. I'm not denying that. Through all the hurt she's caused me, I am still willing to see the good. But there's only so much hurt I can take from one person.

Just have to get through this week. Somehow.  -11:16am