547 days

4/2/2023

Dear diary,

10:00am- Been in and out of sleep since like 8am, I'm so tired I keep falling back asleep. I'm feeling so burned out from placement all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's not just from placement, maybe it's emotional burn out.

I haven't had a text from Lorenz, nothing like hey how was your evening or did you have a good time?

He's admitted to me twice that the relationship is one sided, he's said that I'm always the one making the effort as I'm more affectionate apparently. He said that in his note to me and I've told him before that I feel this is one sided sometimes. Surely that should spark some effort in him.

To be honest I am done being sad. I was devastated last night. And I still don't agree with what he said it was wrong and really hurt my feelings. But I cba. I'm not one to hold grudges I'd rather talk about stuff and move on. Actions speak louder than words.

I've just opened Snapchat and my one white friend has literally asked me to go out to town for her birthday and go to hers for pre drinks in two weeks time I'm likeeeeeee I appreciate the offer but how do I politely decline lol, not my type of vibe at all. Never want to be around alcohol or drunk people, no matter how close I am to my friends, I am not comfortable around anything that involves drinks. And we are meant to have a long catch up. How do I catch up when she's gonna be drunk

I did go to a few of my white friends parties when I was around 17 but I knew not everyone would be drinking. Her parents were there as well so I knew nothing would get out of hand. I got offered to drink loads and got offered jelly shots but I always declined. It's the one thing I will never do and feel strongly against.

My other friend who I was meant to meet up with a week ago finally got back to me and she's not feeling the best and I need to talk to her delicately to make sure everything's okay.

I think at this point I'm a qualified therapist and mental health counsellor. My friends have always said I'm good to talk to for advice and stuff and I take that as a big compliment. I'll reply to my friends when I'm out of bed and thinking properly lol, I'm still sleepy but I'm actually kinda happy, not even sad anymore. Although Honey sent me a few pics of last night and I feel like I look like a whale lol

—-

I had a call with Lorenz and honestly I cried loads after the call ended. I don't like being told "I wear my heart on my sleeve" as if it's a bad thing. Apparently I let things get to me but whatever. Im done on the matter. Not gonna bring it up but I'd be lying if I denied I'm not hurt. I went gym straight away and stayed there for two hours.

Gym is me time. I put my AirPods in and blast my music and zone out. I stayed there for as long as I could until I started feeling dizzy and tired and sick. I literally put all my energy and emotions into gym it's such a good way to destress for me.

I put my phone on do not disturb as I was getting notifications, as much as people think I'm addicted to my phone, if I'm feel upset or angry or want some me time, I'll definitely avoid my phone.

I've been dragged into Honeys drama. She apologised for it but I cba anymore.

On the drive home now, he's left me on read. He mentioned me leaving him on read a few times and I don't mean to do it on purpose apart from last night cos I was so annoyed. I'm glad he told me though so I'm more aware not to leave him on read.
Not sure if he's intentionally left me on read today but the vibes are definitely off tonight. I'm trying my hardest to be all happy, to make conversation. I don't want the vibes to be off, I just want us back to normal I even miss him today. Couples argue all the time we aren't the same person but there does need to be some level of understanding

Like I wanna send him food pics and pics of the baklava but I don't know if he's in a good mood.
I dunno🤷🏻‍♀️- 19:10pm

——