STILL WITH YOU (JIKOOK)

54.

A/n: Had to del the Chap, as my fat fingers just published the incomplete chap instead of saving it!

Jungkook slapped me, he slapped so hard that my head met with the floor....it hurted but the wound he gave to my heart was hurting more.

I was shedding tears in no time, jungkook was still there at his same position,....unmoved.

I continued laying down on the floor, as I was too damaged to stand up on my own. I was drained. And I was embarrassed for myself as I had found a new hope of living in this certain man who only knew how to agonise me and make my heart bleed.

Jungkook could only be the reason for my tears. He couldn't be much more than to me.

He seemed so cruel, so heartless. How could he slap me, how could he inflict pain upon me when he said I mattered to him. How could he just blindly trust jin over me? How could he just hurt me? How could he, how could he when all I did was just love him unconditionally? How could he?

I sobbed, I reminisced his honey drenched words. He gave me hope, hope of a new life, hope of new beginning. He was my hope, my ultimate hope, the delicate rope of my life that I was hanging onto, waiting to embrace what's waiting ahead, not knowing everything would fall apart so quickly.

I sensed his palm on my back as he was making circles, maybe trying to soothe me after what he did.

But being soothed was the last thing I was feeling. My cries were growing louder by evey second, I had no control over me. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even suppress my cries. I was devastated.

'Jimin! Please look up.' Jungkook's shaky voice reached my ears but I couldn't do as he said.

I was too afraid to look at him! I was frightened of forgiving him after looking at him and hence I avoided it.
I was scared of coming across as a pushover once again, on whom anyone can step into.

'I really didn't mean to. Slap me, just slap me back as much as you want!' He pleaded but I remained unresponsive.

Slapping him back for what he did, that was so not me!

'Have you ever told me you love me, jungkook?' I finally looked up and raised myself up taking him off guard with my question.

'I, I..' He couldn't speak and how could he when I was spewing the truth.

'It's always your shitty I care for you, you matter to me and more bullshit like these. You couldn't claim that you love me because you don't! I am so stupid, so stupid that I came back to you, forgave you for what you did. I am so stupid for finding a new ray of hope in you. And it's always your fucking sorry at the end as if it would make things right. I still get nightmares of you, your mom but I continued being by your side as I needed you and I thought you needed me too which you don't. Let's just end this! I don't want to be with you. Live your life and I would live mine in my own way. I had enough of your 'care for you' and 'sorry' drama. After all you are your mother's son, how could I even expect anything good from you?' I let out a huge cry as I pushed him by his chest in anger.

'I don't even know what to say to you anymore. I don't even know what to cry over anymore. I just don't know. And I feel damn gloomy. I want to be happy too. I crave for love too. I am a human too. Why is it so hard for you to understand it? Why are you such a jerk and that too me, only me? Why can't I have a normal life? Why am I the only one who is suffering? Why am I the only one who is crying? I let out a very agonised screech as I pushed him further by his chest that too with my fist.

He let out a gasp in pain. I heard it but I chose to ignore like he did to my suffering all other times.

'Why can't you just let me be? Why can't I fucking sleep peacefully without being restless for atleast one godammn night?' By that time, I had crossed all limits with my pent up frustrations and I took it out on the TV hung on the wall just few steps ahead of me, behind where jungkook was standing. Throwing a frame, I broke the tv screen. It was brutally cracked.

A tiny cut formed on jungkook's cheek, maybe with the glass's shard, I guess, and it caused me to halt my actions as I sat down in exhaustion. I couldn't recognise jungkook anymore. Moreover I couldn't recognise me.

It seemed like we had nothing between us left anymore. It seemed as if everything was over. Every thing! I was just staying with him like a dumb bitch because my childlish and ultimately desperate mind thought he would love me one day. Like a loser, a sore loser I was with him but he showed me my place at the end. He showed me where I belonged to. And that was nowhere near him.

'You are the most unpleasant thing that happened to me, jungkook! More unpleasant than my parents abandoning me, more unpleasant than the shit I went through at the orphanage, more unpleasant than anything could ever be. My feelings were a joke to you and me as well. I hate you, I really hate you. I am disgusted at myself for being in love with you. I am disgusted because I have no self esteem as I am standing right here infront of you with nowhere to go even after you abusing me. I can't afford to go anywhere else because I want to live. I don't have the courage anymore to just walk off somewhere without looking back. I am scared of being homeless. I am scared of having no roof over my head. I am scared of having no food to eat. I am scared of so many things and the main thing among them is your absence in my life.' I went over to him, sobbing as I examined the tiny wound in his cheek which he got because of me.

'I really want to get away from you. But I can't! I shall continue to be here until I sort out what I got to do with my life anymore. Anytime you wanna throw me out of your house, I would gladly go, but for now do me a favour and let me stay here for a bit more time. I promise, I would leave you alone, soon..very soon!' I leaned close to him, tiptoeing as I brushed my nose with his and backed out instantly giving a instant promise to myself that it would be the last time of me getting close to him.

'You are stuck with me, I guess!' I whispered out as I climbed upstairs to the bedroom, taking out all my stuffs and keeping them in the passage. I shifted all of my things to this one room beside jin's.

Jin and jungkook were standing at their respective places. I felt their eyes on me very frequently. Jungkook didn't stop me. And he had no reason to do so. It was high time I get that thing into my lovesick head.

I had to walk around and find a job for myself so I just changed my clothes to a decent one, which jungkook bought for me.

I quietly chose to take an exit from the chaos and decided to roam here and there to find the most suitable job for an illiterate loser, which was me.

I was hollow! I was an empty shell but it is said that a person does the most, when they are on the verge of losing everything or has lost it all ready.

I fell into the second category, and I was ready to do anything with no fear of losing as I had nothing with me, anyways.

I swore to myself that I would never say,' I wish, this or I wish that!' again. Everytime I have wished for some thing, the exact reverse shit has happened.

'Fuck you, jungkook. Fuck you for fucking with my heart. I hate you so much!' I screamed amidst the not so busy street, attracting some people's unwanted attention. I couldn't care much.

My life was already ruined, ruined to the extent where fixing it couldn't even be an option. Rather than fighting my demons, it would have been so great to just have the balls of jumping from the terrace or diving into the river from a bridge. Poisoning myself was not an option as I had not even a penny for it. I laughed thinking even death was expensive for a beggar like me.

I, ..I had no will to just go on with what I had. I had no purpose, no aim. How could it possibly be so simple for me to try and have a life of my own when even breathing was a task for me.

'You have traumatised me, jungkook. And I will always loathe you for it!' I sat down on the sideways, and cried like a lunatic, cursing jungkook in between.. until I couldn't feel my eyes and throat anymore.