When Different Worlds Collide ✔️

Feeling the feelings- Kat's POV

Kat's POV-

Three years later, and all it took to tear me completely down was one little piece of paper. Three years later, and they could still break me. Three years later, and all that progress meant nothing right then. Three years later, and I still felt like that little hurt girl that I have always been.

"U-um..." I said into the phone while shaking.

I hated how pathetic I sounded. I felt so hurt, and I knew that I sounded hurt. I also knew that I needed to quit judging myself for feeling like that. It was perfectly valid to be feeling the way that I was feeling. I was not weak nor wrong for feeling that way. After years and years of therapy, I had learned that I was truly valid... Everyone was.

"Kat?" he said into the phone. He sounded panicked, and I knew that it was because I had sounded so distraught. "What's going on? Are you okay? What do you need?"

"I-I... I don't know. I just-I just need you. I- uh- I just need you," I said shakily, unsure of what to say.

I wasn't sure what would help me right then, but all my instincts were screaming at me to pull away. All my instincts were telling me that I wasn't good enough and I needed to run. I wasn't sure what would help me, but I knew that if anything could... Then it would be Erik. He could make the narrative in my fragile mind halt long enough to bring me back down to earth. He could give me enough reprieve to get me back on track and thinking clearly.

"I'm coming home right now, Kat," he told me with no hesitation or annoyance in his voice as I heard him shuffling around. "I'll be there in just a few minutes. I'll be there. Just focus on your breathing. Focus on making that list in your mind of everyone that loves you and is rooting for you. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you? Do you want to hang up? Do you want me to tell you everything that I love about you? Whatever you need, I'll do for you."

"I've got to go. There's an emergency. Can you cover my beginner's class please?" I heard him say to someone away from the phone.

"Your beginners class?" I said quietly. "That's your favorite. I can wait. Why don't you-"

"Hush, love," he cut me off as I heard the gym door ding indicating that he walked out. "I'm on my way," he assured me.

There was a pause. I didn't know what to say. I could feel my mind racing, telling me that I was pulling him away from one of his favorite classes. Telling me that I shouldn't be with him because I kept him from things that he liked.

"I love your smile," he said abruptly as I heard his car start. "It is by far my most favorite thing to see on this planet. I could see every single sight, but you are still the most beautiful thing to me. Your soul is the thing that shines through the clearest, and it is the most stunning thing in this big universe."

I felt my mental berating stop for half a second. I felt my heart melt at his words and his willingness to give me any reassurance that I needed. Even still, the paper in front of me pulled me down under once again and my mind swirled with the angry words and thoughts.

So, Erik just continued to tell me any and everything that he could think of to comfort me and derail my thoughts. He continued to tell me what he loved about me, why he would never stop loving me, and funny things that I did that he had always thought were adorable. He was just there. Even when he wasn't there with me physically yet, he was still there helping me through my dark feelings.

As soon as he opened the door to the small apartment that we had gotten together a little over six months before, he wrapped me in a hug. He didn't ask any questions yet, he didn't demand for me to tell him what was going on and why I had called him home from work, he just hugged me and made sure that I was okay. He just comforted me and gave me space to cry and be upset in.

I couldn't express how grateful I was that Erik never tried to force me to come forward with my problems and feelings. He never tried to get to the bottom of things and demand justice for me. He just let me grieve and cry or scream, even when I had no words to really explain to him my problem.

Because if we were being honest, I often didn't have words to explain my feelings and jumbled thoughts. It stemmed from not being cared for as a child, so part of my problems was not being able to properly label how I was feeling or what I was thinking. I often didn't know how to label things, but I still let myself go through the emotions. My therapist had told me that the labels were not necessary, just feeling the feelings were the part that I needed to let myself do. Luckily, Erik had understood that about me and just let me feel my feelings while also making sure that I was okay.

However, that time, I had several emotions going through me. I knew exactly what had happened, and it had brought up very familiar and very painful memories and emotions that I had thought I had worked through. As it turns out, you can work through your emotions, but sometimes, they can be triggered again. It was all just a matter of handling them better and getting through them again. And that time... I knew that I had Erik with me through it all, and I didn't want to run away from him or his love. I wanted to stay and prove everyone wrong.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or do you just want me to hold you?" He asked me gently as I clung to him like he was my last lifeline.

I sniffled and bravely lifted my head from his neck. The letter had just arrived that day, and it was sitting to my side. I hated it, and I hated that I had let myself get so worked up over it. I hated that a single piece of paper could make me fall apart so easily. I hated even more that I could so easily let myself believe the things that were in it.

Finally, after re-reading it for the fifteen hundredth time, I showed it to Erik with tears in my eyes. He stared from it to me and then took the offered paper. I could tell the moment that he had started reading that he was disgusted by it.

There wasn't a whole lot to say about the letter. It was the first letter that I had received from either of my parents in the over three years of them being in prison, and it was a hateful spite-letter from my father. The first and only time that he had decided to write to me, and it was utter filth. He put everything bad that you could think of to say to someone in it. They were words that he knew used to hurt me as a child, and now I knew they hurt me as an adult too.

"Oh baby," Erik sighed as he crumpled up the paper. "I know that it's hard but try to remember that this is not about you. This is about him. He wrote you this because he feels absolutely powerless, and he wanted to feel powerful in some way. Saying these mean and hurtful things was how he exerted power over you as a child, so he wanted to recreate that feeling again.

"Don't let him have that power over you, love. You know exactly who you are. You are the bad bitch CEO of one of the top companies in the world. You built yourself up from ashes after they tried to burn you at the stake, and you succeeded even though everyone thought you would fail. You are so much more than these nasty words that your father has used to hurt you for your whole life. Please remember that."

"I do..." I finally said as I took the crumpled piece of paper from him and threw it away. "I do remember who I am," I said a bit stronger. "But... Erik, can you hold me a bit longer? I just want to process this for a bit and give my inner child the reassurance that I so obviously need."

He smiled softly at me and kissed my forehead before picking me up and carrying me to our bedroom. He laid down with me and tucked me under the covers next to him as he played with my hair gently. I knew right then that I never needed anything more than just him. He was the perfect man for me, and it made me feel so loved and vindicated.

After everything that we fought through from my parents, both of our minds, T, society, and all the mental aftermaths of our childhoods... It felt so damn good to be laying there with my lover on a weekday afternoon, knowing that I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay, and he'd be right there with me through it all.

"Kat... I'm so proud of you for calling me," he whispered. "You used to go running for the hills and retreated into your mind to self-punish for weeks before I could get you to let me help you... It shows how far you've come. Be proud of that, baby. Be proud of your growth and progress. Because that shit is beautiful."

I rolled over and kissed him right then. Yes, I certainly chose the exactly right man for me.