When Different Worlds Collide ✔️

Under control- Kat's POV

Kat's POV-

"Kat... What's on your mind? You didn't say a single thing in group today." Dr. Perry asked me as we sat in her office after my group therapy session that Friday.

A whole extra session... That's how neurotic I was acting. I was so crazy that I needed to see my therapist for a fourth session in the week. They might as well just throw me in the loony bin.

I couldn't get one of the other girl's shares out of my mind. The other girl, Jasmine, had shared about breaking down over her weight that week. She had shared that she was so upset over her three-pound weight gain that she went the rest of the week without eating to get her life and her weight back on track. Three pounds. She had gained three pounds and felt like it was the end of the world.

I knew that it was irrational. I knew that it was a destructive way to act. I mean, it was neurotic and obsessive behavior caused by an eating disorder. However, I couldn't help but to think that if Jasmine was freaking out over a three-pound weight gain, then I should be losing my mind over the ten pounds that I had gained since Erik and I had gotten together. I had gained ten pounds!

I felt like my whole world was falling apart since realizing how much weight I had gained. Jasmine is a very skinny girl who had to be at least a size one; I felt envious. I was jealous that the girl could be so skinny. I had no self-discipline, and I was sabotaging myself by letting myself gain so much weight. Eventually, I'd weigh six hundred pounds, and no one would love me. Why did anyone love me in the first place?

On top of that, I had agreed to go to Erik's family's Thanksgiving. There would be more food there, more stares, more judgments. I'd be the fattest one in that room too probably.

"Kat? What's going on? What are you feeling right now?" Dr. Perry pushed.

"Um... Disgusted, I guess. And because of that disgust, I feel guilty," I said slowly.

"Disgust? Disgust with what?"

"Myself," I sighed. "I gained," I elaborated. "I've been gaining..." I said as the tears began to form. "I know that logically, it's great. It means that I'm supposed to be getting better, and I even have more energy! I'm actually enclosing in on a healthy weight range finally."

"But?"

"But I look around at people- at everyone in group, an-and I just feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Medically, I'm supposedly in a healthy weight-range, but I feel like a whale. I mean, I'm literally the biggest one in the group! And then the guilt sets in..." I sniffled.

"What guilt? Why do you feel guilty?" The doctor asked.

"Because I... I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm supposed to be happy, full of life, and beautiful. I'm supposed to be Katherine Reynolds, dammit! So why can't I just let myself be happy?" I sobbed.

"I mean, I even have this great boyfriend. He's the best. He loves me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He's helping me in recovery. He even sometimes makes me see that I'm pretty! He's absolutely wonderful, and I should be happy. When I'm with him I am happy," I tried to explain. "However, when he's not there... I can't see it. I hear the voice in my head berating me for having dinner. I see the scale numbers flashing through my mind. I feel the need and pressure that everyone constantly puts on me. Even when he's with me sometimes I feel the need to just run away..."

"Run away? Why would you run away from him?" She asked.

"Because I know that eventually I'll make him leave, so I feel the need to do it first," I cried. "I'm never going to be everything that he wants. I'm never going to live up to his expectations. I don't think that I'll ever be able to behave like a normal person one day, and he'll get sick of it. Everyone does... They get sick of me not being enough for them and they leave."