From Rags To Riches

Chapter Fifty Seven

Pippa's POV

As you are well aware by now, Harry and I are a very sexual couple. We like sex. No, thats not a strong enough representation, we love sex, but we crave eachother.

Its animalistic at the best of times and we tend to get carried away, we dont do anything too crazy we just get rough and overly passionate, if thats even a thing.

So a trip to the ER because I was bleeding, well that kind of but a stop to it. Not even just the crazy, hard sex. Sex altogether and if Im being brutally honest, Im dying.

I miss the connection, I miss his touch, I just miss him but he's adament on not having sex, we got the scare of a lifetime thinking something had happened to the babies. The look on his face when he saw the blood will forever be engraved into my brain.

I was scared too, but once I knew that I was causing no harm to the babies and we were just going too hard and too many times, I knew all we had to was rein it in a bit.

It was a small tear in my vaginal wall that caused it, its not life threathening to the babies or myself. I made sure to triple check with Alicia, Harry was present and heard her say "No, this is just the result of - um - extreme efforts to -" I interrupted her telling her we got the idea to save her the embarressment.

But Harry says no. Not until the babies are born, he doesnt want to risk it. Thats two months away I cant wait that long.

Have you seen my man? And hello, hormones for god sake!

I was told to refrain from any sexual encounters for two weeks only, its been three weeks.

Three long weeks.

I dont want to push it or force it on him because its his decision and I want to respect that especially after he admitted that he's scared of losing another baby and he would never forgive himself if he was the cause of it. I felt for him, for us. So I need to respect his decision.

I seen the look on Harry's face at the hospital, he was pretrified as his leg bounced up and down as he sat in his seat with his hand wrapped around mine squeezing tightly. But once we were told everything was okay, he calmed slight and to make light of the situation at the hospital when we found out I was bleeding because we were going at it too hard, Harry took those words as 'my dick is too big' and has made sure that everyone is aware that the cause of my bleed was because I cant handle his sword of thunder.

Yes, thats what we call it now.

Later that night when we lay in bed was when he told me he was scared of losing the babies, that he feels responsible for us losing what would have been our first baby only a few weeks before we fell pregnant with the twins. It was down to what happened with Jinx but to him it was all the more reason to blame himself. Months on and this man cant seem to let it go.

Im not talking about letting the loss of our baby go, Ill never let that go, but knowing some form of justice has been served it has settled me. But Im talking about all the shit with Jinx, Pee and Jason. Its over with and we need to move on. He needs to move on. The constant blame he lets lie on his shoulders must be exhausting.

I never got a chance to really mourn our baby, but knowing we had such a big loss just makes me want to be the best mom to these two. I want to give these babies the world, I want to give them everything I never had and more. I think that's my way of grieving. Striving to be better, does that make sense or am I just so good at pushing things down because I dont want to deal with them? Either way, I asked Harry to join my way of grieving, to strive to be the best parents. He agreed, but I can still see how unsettled he is.