Firsts & Lasts

First Everythings.

Christian
TW: mentions of domestic abuse

I decided to join Nova when taking my mom to the airport. She was still a little shaken up because of the situation. She hates when my dad and I fight. It gives her PTSD to those horrible nights when he'd do things to both of us. I tried to keep my cool, but when it comes to my father, it's hard for me to. I hate him. I don't care how bad that is because it's true.

I hate him.

I made sure my mom was okay and settled in the gate she'd have to wait for her plane at. I walk out of the airport and shove my hands into my pockets. Nova's car is parked closer to this exit. I get into the passenger seat and take off my jacket in the warm car. "Is she okay?" Nova asks. I nod my head as she starts the car again. "She'll be fine," I assure her. She nods her head and starts driving out of the airport.

Luckily the hotel mom and I got isn't far from the airport, so the drive was fairly short. I don't know where Novalee is staying.

The car ride back to the Marriott is quiet. The only noise between us is the light music playing on the radio in Nova's car. We haven't spoken for almost a month before tonight. I haven't seen her either. I thought she'd be home with her family but I'm even more grateful that she's here. I think my father held back because he knew she was present. I don't know what he would've done to me if she wasn't there.

It'd probably be a proper family reunion and I'd come back to Oak Hill with a black eye or a busted lip. When he stood in front of me, my adrenaline was rushing so bad that I almost initiated a fight, but I didn't. I don't want to be like him. I would never lay a hand on him. I'm better at cutting him up with my words. He's good at both.

Nova pulls up to the Marriott and parks her car upfront. She looks towards me and I look back at her. "Thanks again," I say. She nods and gives me another weak smile. Those are the only kinds of smiles I've been getting all night. "Nova-" "No, Chris," She cuts me off immediately. She knows what I want to say. "Please, I just need to tell you something," I say lowly.

I can see the same hurt in her eyes from when she told me what happened a month ago. Since we broke up. I hate seeing her this way. It fucking kills me. It kills me to not know anything that's going on in her life. To have to wake up and know I'm not gonna see her or even talk to her. To think that she's probably with another man. Every single terrible thing I can think of crosses my head every single day.

I don't even remember a day where Novalee wasn't in my life anymore. She's completely taken over my life and that's okay. It's the life I want. She's everything to me. She needs to know how much I want her. How much she means to me.

And how much I fucking love her.

She sighs, looking down at her painted white nails that are slightly chipped. "I'm a fucking idiot. I made promises to you, so many of them. I made promises to your parents. I told them I wouldn't hurt you. I told you the same exact thing and you believed me. I fucking believed myself." She doesn't look at me.

"I've never met a girl like you, Novalee. Since meeting you when we were kids, I've always seen something different in you. I don't fucking know what, but I just knew you belonged in my life. In some kind of way. I was a piece of shit sophomore year, I'll admit it to you a thousand times. You never deserved to be treated the way I treated you. I wish I could go back in time and undo all that," I tell her.

She finally looks up at me. Her brown hues are glossy like she's holding back tears and she's chipping her nail polish again.

"I'm never blaming my actions on anyone but myself. The reason I am the way I am isn't because of you, isn't because of my mother or my father. I'm this way because I fucking made myself this way. For years, I slept with different women thinking that it'd make me feel superior to other guys or even better about myself. It didn't do shit for me, because I'm still the same fucking little kid I was when you knew me."

A tear slips from her eye and she wipes it before I have the chance to.

"So much of the shit I've done in my life, I can't even tell you why I did it. Because I really have no explanation for it. I've lived my life on a wave. I've ridden through it, doing whatever the fuck I want. Sometimes that got me in trouble and I did stupid shit, but hey, I'm still here at this point. Every single thing I've done in my life has brought me to this point." I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Here, sitting in front of the girl that I've been in love with my whole life. Begging her to give me another chance because I don't think I can keep riding this wave of life without her. I don't know how I'll stay on it. I think I'll fall off a thousand times without her on it with me," I choke out a small laugh. She smiles a bit.

"I didn't fucking cheat on you, baby. I didn't. You want proof? I'll give it to you," I pull out my phone and open the conversation between me and Xander. I show her a picture of me, the blonde, and Xander at a party. "This is the picture she showed you right? The one of us at the Sigma house that night?" Nova nods her head, but no words leave her mouth. I swipe right and another picture appears. It's a screenshot of this same picture, posted on Xander's Instagram page. The date at the bottom reads 'September 1st'.

I was very much single on September 1st. She looks up at me, her eyes a bit wider now, but still she doesn't say anything.

"I'm sorry it took so long to figure it out. I'm a guy okay? I'm a fucking idiot. Also, I'm sorry that I wear the same three t-shirts to every party. That's what fucked this up in the first place." She laughs a little over a small cry. I smile.

I grab one of her hands and intertwine our fingers. I kiss her knuckles.

"First of all, I'm sorry you had to see that video. Second, I'm sorry it exists. Third, there's no one else I want to be with other than you, okay? It's always been you. Always. I love you so much it fucking hurts, and I mean that with everything inside of me." I kiss her lips quickly. "Please, say something," I mutter.

She sniffles, tears still slip down her flushed cheeks. I wipe them just as they fall. "I love you too," She says. My stomach does a backflip. It's a new feeling, one I've never felt before. The woman I love fucking loves me back. There's nothing better than that. I smile and kiss her again. She kisses me back, her hands finding my face. The only thing separating our bodies is this console. She pulls away, breathing heavily.

"Do you want to-"
"Yes," I cut her off.