Firsts & Lasts

First Attack.

Novalee

"What did you guys do today?" Chris asks. I play with the strings of his drawstring sweats as he watches film from his last game. "They waited for me to get out of class and then my mom wanted to go shopping, so that. We were at it for about three hours until my dad got hungry, so we went to Lucy's. It was fun," I say. Christian met my parents two days ago and it didn't go as bad as I thought it would. The four of us also hung out yesterday for a while before Chris had to go to practice and then today it was just the three of us.

They have an early flight back home tomorrow and I won't see them again until New Years. I'm excited to go home but only because it's official that Christian will be coming with me. "Nice, you'll see them again soon." He knows how much these past three days meant to me. Since moving to California, my parents and I have talked less. It doesnt mean I don't think about them all the time, but it's kind of hard to keep up with people who you dont see everyday anymore.

"And you're coming with me." I wrap my arm around his bare waist and pull him closer. He chcukles, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. "We have to face the wrath of my parents before we get to yours first remember?" He looks down at me momentarily, before looking back at the TV. "We'll be fine," I say. He looks at me again and smiles softly. He shuts off the TV which surprises me. He hasn't been watching film for that long.

He puts the remote on his nightstand and then lays down next to me. I've been a little more hesitant around him since dinner on Monday. When my dad asked him why he was taking me home for Christmas, he also asked Christian if he loved me. Him hesitating to reply gave me the answer I've been looking for since Halloween. He doesn't love me. I think if he did, he would've said something. Especially since he wanted my parents approval.

He could've told me after dinner as well if he did love me and decided to tell me first in private, but again, he didn't. For some reason, I was a little disappointed and I still am. Something in me wanted him to mean it when he said it on Halloween. We haven't been together that long, I have to remind myself. He's never been in love before so I think it'll take some time for him to get there. I'm just scared he never will. I try and push those thoughts away whenever I'm with him, but that's when they appear in my head the most.

Damn, anxiety.

"Hey, are you okay?" Christian wears a worried look and I realize I'm breathing more heavy than I normally do. Did I really just let my anxiety get to me? I normally don't. I calm my breathing and nod my head. I don't want to worry him and I certainly don't want to have to lie to him about why I've been so anxious.

With my audition coming up, my anxiety has been worse. I've been rehersing alone or with Maddy almost everyday, but I fear I'll choke when I'm auditioning in front of auditioners. Finals are also coming up and I've been trying to study for those too. Tests give me too much added stress and anxiety. I hate that these two events are crashing, but this is how it is. I can't change it.

My breathing becomes heavy again as all these thoughts infiltrate my mind. I sit up and feel Christian follow along with me. Please, please, please, no panic attacks. He rubs circles on my back, "Baby, breathe. You're okay, you're okay." He moves hair out of my face and I try to focus on one thing: his voice. I need to calm down. "You're okay," He repeats. He crawls in front of me and lifts my head up, "Look at me." My eyes find his and I try focusing on slowing my breathing.

A tear rolls out from my eye and he wipes it immediately. "Don't cry, please." The worry in his eyes is very evident, but my breathing begins to slow again. I can't think of anything stressing right now. "Distract me," I magange to breathe out. His eyes flit all over my face and he gets up from bed. He fast walks over to his dresser and pulls out a thick binder. My chest still falls heavily, but I'm starting to calm down again.