Firsts & Lasts

First Chats.

TW: breif mention of domestic violence
Christian

"Where were you planning on traveling to this year?" I ask Cgc before popping a grape into my mouth. He swallows a mouthful of brown rice before answering my question. "Archer and Kayleen still haven't decided between the Bahamas or Paris, so one of those." He calls his parents by their first names when he talks about them with us. I don't know why.

I nod. "Nice," I pop another green grape into my mouth. Cgc and his parents always go on trips to different places during the summer for about a month. His dad owns his own real estate agency and sells huge million-dollar homes. His mom is a lawyer on the hand, so there's that. He also happens to be an only child, so he's a bit spoiled even though he doesn't like to admit it.

My father happens to be rich as well but since I don associate myself with him more than I need to, I consider myself broke. Although he does pay for my school and rent. I would do it myself, but mom doesn't want me to get a job while I'm in school. I can't afford to waste my time on one yet, either. Once I graduate and start making my own money though, I'm going to pay him everything I owe. Hopefully, after that, he'll leave me the fuck alone. I don't like the fact that I owe him things.

"Are you actually gonna be able to see them during winter break?" I ask. Cgc goes home all the time, but sometimes he comes home early because his parents are always busy working, so they're never home. He nods. "Yeah, they told me they'd clear their schedules to see me more." He raises his brows. I don't know if he believes that completely. "You going home? or Xander's again?" He asks. I freeze at the question. "No, no. My place this year."

I shift uncomfortably. Not because I want to go, but because I have to go. My best friends, including Xander, no nothing about my dad being abusive. They only know that I don't like him very much because he's a complete dick to me. They've met him a couple of times throughout the years and they've seen the way he is with me. Dad cuts with his words now more than his actual fists. He hasn't hit me since I moved to college. Of course, it's because I don't live with him anymore.

"Oh, that's good?" His statement comes out more like a question. I wash my plate in the sink and shake my head. "No, it's fucking not. I don't want to go, but my mom's basically dragging me by the ears to go with her to see my dad." I retort. I'm not scared to say this much, but I don't add much more details. He shakes his head. "Just say no and go with Xan." He takes up another mouthful of rice.

I wish I could. "Can't. I hate leaving my mom alone with him. It's too awkward between them since the divorce and I don't doubt my dad's gonna introduce us to a twenty-something again." Cgc rolls his eyes. In the two times, mom and I have seen dad since they divorced, he's had a woman by his hip. She's always way younger than him, maybe only a couple of years older than me. It doesn't make mom jealous, only insecure.

She's always ranting to me about it once we leave. I can't stand it anymore. I don't think I'm going to be able to behave myself when we see him again. I barely wanted to speak to him the last time he came over to my place unannounced. "He's still dating women twenty years younger than him?" Cgc adds. I scoff. "I don't fucking know, but I don't doubt it." I can tell my friends don't like my dad as much as me and I appreciate it. I know they'd hate him the way I do if they knew the real him.

Before Cgc can answer, someone knocks on the door. Xan and Rhys are upstairs sleeping after a night out and they wouldn't knock, they live here. Cgc's brows furrow. "Did you invite someone over?" He asks. I shake my head and he gets up. He looks down, noticing he's shirtless. He shrugs before walking to open the door. I stay back in the kitchen and try to see who's at the door, but his frame is too big.

I walk up behind him. "Uh, hey." I hear him say before reaching the door. It's Maddy. Her cheeks flush and I can't tell if it's because she's currently looking at the guy who dumped her or because the guy who dumped her is shirtless. She does have a scowl on her face though so I'll say it's not the latter. When she sees me pop up behind him, she relaxes. "I need to talk to you."

I furrow my brows and point to my chest, "me?" She nods. Cgc takes the hint and disappears into the house again. I'm so confused, but I don't ask why she's here just yet. "Okay, yeah, come in." I open the door for her and she steps in. I go to the laundry room quickly to find a clean shirt, slipping it over my bare abdomen. When I come back out, she's sitting on the barstool Cgc was at previously. I stand in front of her, behind the counter, where I was before.

I cross my arms over my chest. "Everything okay? This isn't about Cgc right because I don't want to get in the middle of that." I say quickly. I told Cgc to stay away from her for this very reason, I hate dealing with this type of confrontation from women who sleep with my friends and expect me to help them get them back. She makes a disgusted face. "God, no. I'm over that." She says roughly. Okay, yeah, I believe her.

"It's about... Nova." Nova? What about her? "Fuck, is she okay?" I ask, immediately panicked. She looks at me for a second and then laughs. Why is she laughing? "Yes, loverboy, she's fine." She holds up a hand as if telling me to calm down. I breathe out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding in. Wait. Why did she call me loverboy? What the hell is that?

"What about her then?" I ask, leaning back into the fridge. I try acting like I wasn't just scared for a second, but she noticed the worry in my tone. "I heard you guys kissed and you haven't mentioned it to her since. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why haven't you mentioned it to her?" She asks coldly. I do have an answer, but I feel like she's testing me somehow and I don't want to find out what she'll do or say if I answer her question wrong. Nova's mentioned how mean Maddy can be. She reminds me of Cgc in that way. Now that I think about it, they kind of look alike. Same hair color, same light eyes, same fair tone. They could be twins.

"The first time we kissed she said to never mention it again, so I just figured maybe the same rules applied this time." I shrug. Her eyes narrow at me, but she doesn't speak. I answered wrong, didn't I? "Do you like her?" She finally says. Her words come out confidently. She doesn't hesitate or beat around the bush. Why would she ask me this? "What do you mean?" I know exactly what she means, but I can't give her an answer. It's too new. Too weird..

"I mean do you like her as more than a friend or not? If you don't, then why do you keep kissing her? She's not like you, she'll catch feelings if you keep taking her by surprise like that." She snarls. I part my lips to speak, but she cuts me off. "So? How do you feel?" She crosses her arms over her chest. "Maybe if you let me talk, I can tell you." I retort. She raises her brows slightly and stays quiet.

"No. I don't like her. Not in that way at least." I say. She narrows her eyes at me again. She has a mean glare. The one my father has, only less obviously. No one's as fucked up as him. "Then stop kissing her, asshole. Be her friend, but don't kiss her just because you're horny," she stands up, clutching her purse to her body "I'm sure there are a thousand other girls on campus that can fulfill your dirty fantasies." She barks. Before I can say anything, she holds up a finger that makes me shut my lips back together.

She doesn't care what I have to say.

She turns around and starts walking towards the door. "You heard me, Valdez. Don't make me come back here to remind you." And then she's gone. I roll my eyes more in frustration than anger. Maddy can't piss me off, but if I was someone else, I'd probably be hurt or angry at the way she speaks.

I can't help but wonder what the whole purpose of that conversation was. Why did she take time out of her day to come to ask me if I have feelings for her best friend? Does her best friend have feelings for me? No. She can't. I can't give Novalee want she wants, what she needs.

What she deserves.

I've known that since I was a boy in high school and I know that now as a junior in college. Though I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel something for her. I know deep in my core that I do. I don't want to say it out loud or even admit it to myself yet because fuck.

I. Can't. Give. Her. What. She. Deserves.

I can't be an amazing boyfriend, I can't fucking love someone. I've tried to before, it's never happened. I don't want to let her down again, but I feel like I already have. Maddy is right. I can't keep kissing her and getting away with it. It has to stop. I don't want her to fall for me. I can't even think about that.

But I can think about her. The way she makes me feel. It's fucking different. A good different I think. But I don't want to think about that either. I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for her. She deserves the best she can get and I am not that. I don't think I'll ever be enough.