Firsts & Lasts

Last Weeks Events.

TW: brief mention of domestic violence
Novalee

I send a death glare Maddy's way, something I never do because I'm terrified of her. After all, she won't stop gloating. She hasn't stopped mentioning how 'she was right'. She said to me a couple of weeks ago how she thought Valdez and I were going to fall madly in love. That was after one kiss with him. For someone who never fails to mention how much she hates being in relationships, she seems to be rooting for my non-existent one.

Ever since I told her about our second kiss a couple of days ago, she won't stop gloating about the fact that what she said was coming true. She's so wrong. Though when I acknowledge this, she ignores it.

I see the pattern—it's only happened twice, so I don't know if I can call it a pattern yet—of mine and Christian's shared kisses. Both times happened to be after conversations where we comforted each other about something. My ADHD, his familial problems. So, I think it's just moments of weaknesses for each other.

I remember the first time we kissed when we were in high school. It was right after he told me about the issues he had at home with his father. It was..horrid. I had heard stories in the news about domestic violence, but I had never heard someone I knew tell me about their experiences with it. I didn't know if there was anything I could do at that moment that would help him feel better, so I kissed him.

Okay, maybe this is a pattern. An unhealthy one. Ugh.

I don't even know why I'm scrutinizing this so much when I've told myself countless times that we're just friends. That second kiss should have not happened just like the first one. There's no room in my life for Christian Valdez as someone who's more than a friend. Been there, done that.

Then why can't I stop thinking about him and that kiss?

"Does this look good?" Maddy turns her computer screen towards me. There's a drawn figure with some clothes. She's a fashion major. My eyes light up at the cute two-piece she's designed. "It's gorgeous, Mads!" She smiles, turning the computer back around. "I think I'm gonna submit this one and.." she trails, turning her computer towards me again "this one!"

This design is a black dress that clings tight against the drawn model's body. It hangs low in the front and it's a couple of inches above the knees. "Also gorg." I compliment and she smiles again. She clicks away on her computer for a couple of seconds. "And submitted!" She shuts her laptop quickly and sets it aside.

"So," she starts "have you seen Valdez since then?" Great. We're back to this. I nod. I saw him again about two days after when he invited me over to work on my speech. I was going to say no, but he's been a huge help to me with this assignment. This time though, I kept my distance from him. I was scared that he would try to kiss me again or even bring up the kiss. Surprisingly, he didn't.

He didn't even throw in a flirty comment the whole time we were together, he usually does. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it either and just ignore it. God knows that's what I want to do. It was so awkward the first time.

"We've hung out a couple of times since, but we don't talk about it. It's going to stay that way too because I can't freaking talk about it again." I cringe. Maddy laughs, "why?" I don't know honestly. I wish I could figure it out too, but I can't. There's something about him and my relationship with him that I can't pinpoint. Sometimes I wish I had never come to school here. But running away from Louisiana was something I wanted to do.

I needed to leave all of that behind and that's what I was trying to do here in Oak Hill. I shrug lightly. "There's not much to say, Mads. I don't want that kind of relationship with him and I'm sure he feels the same way. You know about his reputation better than I do, has he ever had a girlfriend since he's been here?" I ask, even though I know the answer. No.

She shakes her head. "No." Right as I'm going to say 'exactly', she cuts me off. "But you're Novalee and he's Christian. You guys have dated before. You're not just exactly any girl and I think he knows that too." She shrugs lightly. That doesn't sound right. He's been the same way the whole time I've known him. Even when we dated, I'm sure he wasn't 100% faithful to me. He has grown on me slightly more nonetheless.

I don't trust him though, I don't think I ever have. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's changed, but before I kissed him again for the first time, I saw the way he was with girls. He's freaking attractive of course he's going to use that to his advantage and sleep with any girl he wants. I've never been that way. I've never had the confidence in dating that he has or even Maddy.

Whenever I do decide to settle down with a man, I want him to look at things the same way I do. Christian and I? We're not on the same page. I don't think we ever will be.

I shake my head. "Don't read into this too much, he doesn't even like me like that. He wants or wanted a good time and I gave it to him...momentarily." Maddy still wears the same expression she's been wearing this whole time we've brought up Valdez. She thinks she's right. "Please, Nov, I've seen the way he looks at you." I furrow my brows at this. "What do you mean? How does he look at me?" I ask curiously.

"He looks at you like you're so small and fragile. It's like he just wants to shove you into his pocket and protect you from the world because he adores you that much. I'm fucking sure he's never looked at a girl like that." She says. Do I believe her? Why would she just say things to say them? I know she would never want to push me into something that won't be good for me. Hm.

"Ask any of his roommates and I'm sure they'll tell you the same thing. Why do you think they always tease you and call you 'his girl'? I promise you, they do not call any other girl that Valdez is just sleeping with that. He likes you." Okay, she's dead set on this theory and I do not know what to believe. The only way I'll believe her, is if Valdez tells me himself that he has feelings for me.

"I'm not one of the girls he's sleeping with. Even if he does like me, I can't be with him Mads you know that, right?"

"Why?"

"Because he's hurt me before, what's to say that he won't do it again?" I retort. Most would probably tell me to let it go and while I don't hold it against him anymore, I still think about it. He can hurt me again, I don't overlook that.

I love hard and while I didn't necessarily love Valdez, I still cared about him a lot. More than I've ever cared about a lot of people, and he hurt me. He didn't even apologize to me until the first couple of days of us seeing each other again. After 5 years. Now that I think about it, that's why I was so mad at first. I was still holding onto the fact that he never apologized to me. I think the grudge I held against him would have never been there if he had apologized, but he didn't.

After I moved to Louisiana, I never spoke to him and he never reached out. We had been friends for years before that and I thought I meant something more to him, but I was wrong. I had to move on from him and luckily I did when I met Devon. Regardless, he hurt me too.

"Let him even consider hurting you and his balls will be chopped off and fed to my mom's rottweiler." She says firmly, ice-cold eyes. I cringe at her words, but can't help but laugh. She's really my best friend. My complete opposite. Madison Hayes, my favorite girl.

I tuck a strand of her raven hair behind her ear. "Calm down, Mads. I won't even give him the chance to let him hurt me." I reassure her. She smiles and nods her head once. "I know I just threatened his balls, but I don't think he'll hurt you." I sigh. I thought I had changed her mind for a second. She's still team, Christian.

Great.