Firsts & Lasts

Last Christmas.

I want him to talk to me about why he's upset. Or wait. Maybe being high will get him to open up. I swallow back nervousness and then put the neatly wrapped paper between my lips. I inhale the smoke, shutting my eyes. Don't choke, Novalee. I pull it out from my lips and then I start coughing aggressively. Darn it. Chris' eyes widen and he takes the joint from my hands. "This isn't your first time smoking is it?" He says, handing me the water bottle that sits on the table next to him. I glare at him because he's smiling and snatch the bottle from his hand, still coughing.

"No." I choke out. I uncap the water bottle and take a long sip. The water feels uncomfortable against my now scratchy throat. He watches me as he takes another drag. Great. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and set the water on the ground. I give up. "Christian, what's wrong?" I ask genuinely. He takes off some of the ash that has formed on the end of the joint.

Then, he looks at me. "Nothing. Why?" His voice is as emotionless as his face right now. He's barely looked at me since I've gotten here. "Uh, you told me you don't smoke during the season and well, here you are. Smoking." He pulls the joint from his lips and looks at it like he didn't know that's exactly what he was doing. He shrugs and then takes another drag.

I roll my eyes. "Is this about losing the game?" I ask, even though I know it's so much more than that. I don't like this Christian. He's acting like the one I knew when I was fourteen. He shakes his head, "No." He says, confirming my thoughts. "Then what is it?" I push. I'm only doing it because I care about him...more than I'd like to admit. He holds the joint out to me again like asking if I want another hit. I really don't, but I take it from him anyway.

I put it up to my lips again, making sure I don't take as big of a hit as I did earlier. He says, "my dad came over earlier." Then, I start to cough again. Seriously? I cough into my hand and he shakes his head. "Damn Johänson, it's like you've never smoked a joint before." I haven't.

It's not as bad as the first one, but I pick up the water bottle again and take another drink. I don't think I would have choked again if it wasn't for his declaration. His dad came to see him. The man who I very much know he hates. He told me they weren't together anymore, his mom and dad, but we've never talked about it. Not since we were younger at least. I assume his father came over for an answer. To see if Christian is coming home for the holidays.

"What did he say?" I ask, holding onto the joint still. He hasn't noticed yet. He shrugs, "he asked if I had an answer yet. About coming home. I told him that if I was gonna go, then he'd see me there." He retorts. I nod. I want him to tell me everything, but I don't want to push him too far. I can tell how much talking about this triggers him. I think the weed has helped him out a bit, honestly.

"But you told me you were going," I say. He runs his fingers through his fluffy hair. "Yeah, I am, but I didn't want to tell him that," he pauses shortly "I texted my mom and told her I was going but for her not to tell my dad. She said she wouldn't." He finishes. I nod slightly. I don't even want to know what's going on in his head right now. I do wish there was something I could do about it.

"Maybe you can take Xander or Cgc or Rhys with you? If one of them is around then maybe your dad will...behave." I cringe at my wording. He shakes his head immediately at my suggestion. "They don't know about my dad, not like that." My mouth gapes a bit in surprise, but I don't say anything. I would have thought he at least told Xander, but thinking about it, this isn't something Christian likes to talk about. It makes sense that he would refrain from telling them.

I say, "what if I come with you?" He finally looks at me again. Crap. Did I really just suggest that? I don't do well when under pressure and I know that situation will be just that. Plus, we're just friends and they might think we're dating...again. No, no, no. "Would you?" His voice is softer than usual. I nod hesitantly and I think he notices. He shakes his head, "no, it's fine. You don't have to. I can handle it on my own." Well, now I feel terrible.

The Johänson's Christmas can go on without me, right?

"I don't mind, really. I'll be there." My voice is as soft as his was and I add a smile with it. He studies me again for a second and then a small smile takes over his lips. He nods once. "Okay. Thank you." I nod and pull the joint, which is still lit, up to my lips. I have to accept what I just got myself into. I take a short drag since I'm scared to cough out my left lung and luckily, I don't. I blow out the smoke and then make a disgusted face. How do people do this for fun?

Christian laughs, leaning forward to take it away from me. He drops it on the ground and then crushes it with his tennis shoe. "You can't get high, Nova. Not when I'm stoned." I tilt my head to the side. I'm not even close to high. His eyes still hang low as he looks at me. "What?" I say, my cheeks flushing. No! What's happening to me?

He chuckles. "You're really pretty, that's all." He stands up from his chair and begins to walk inside. My mouth gapes a bit as I somehow struggle to get up to follow him. Why does he say things like that? When I walk into the house, he's pouring himself a cup of orange juice. I lean against the counter. "Chris," I say a bit firmly. "Hm?" He takes a sip from his juice, looking at me over the rim of the cup.

"You cannot be saying things like that to me," I say. He furrows his brows and leans against the counter himself. "Things like what?" He asks. He knows what I'm talking about. I tilt my head to the side a bit. "Saying things like I'm pretty."

"Are you not pretty?"

"What?"

"What I asked."

"I-I do-"

"See, you are. I'll call you pretty if I want, Novalee." He throws his cup in the sink and inches towards me. I stand up straight. He's too close right now. My breath hitches as he leans down, his lips only inches from mine. "Deal with it." He whispers, then walks away.