bangtan! one shots | xikumaa

too fast - m.yg

—no smut

I can't even see anymore. Everything is a blur nowadays. It's not like it used to be..even I know that.

I have so many photos and memories of those great things that were shared. My friends' laughter...their chatter... the way they'd always say I was the best because I made them laugh. Because it was me that made them feel better.

"Really? You think I'm funny?" I'd ask them with a surprised yet flustered look.

It made me feel nice. Being able to feel proud about being my friends' anchor. Took pride in saying "That's what friends are for."

Even though..it all proved nothing in the end.

What's the point of saying all those things and being proud of it when you have no one in the end.

I'm alone now. I have no one to blame. It's all my fault.

I distanced myself from them. I pushed them away or they just decided that we weren't meant to be friends anymore. Some went behind my back, planned when they would ignore me and when they would come back to ask for a favor. Pretend they cared for me. Pretending our bond was stronger than before... when that same bond was made out of a single thread.

I'm full of anger and hate. I constantly fantasize over getting lost in all of my desires. Imagining myself in a dark void, drowning in my own sadness and problems. I know that it'll all catch up to me and bite me in the ass but that's fine. Maybe I'll have a reason to end it.

Now, I just live with these empty feelings. I do what I want, I don't care for others' feelings, and I don't even try to make a change or effort in my life. What's the fucking point anyway? We're all going to die and get buried six feet underground alone. The hell do I need them for? I won't remember a damn thing after I meet my end.

"Yo! Get over here!" I crane my head over the table, coming to inhale a line. Throwing my head back with the straw in between my fingers.

That sweet high that became my lover not so long ago. The cure to everything.

Shutting off my brain and liberating me from every damn haunted memory and thought. It keeps my body going, the only thing I need at this point.

I sit up from the sofa full of girls' laughter, engulfing in their desires like everyone else. Grabbing a bottle like if it was an instinct and making my way through the thick cloud of smoke. I couldn't even walk straight but I don't give a fuck. I feel great, I feel alive.

I look around to see everyone around me, cheering and clapping. Their faces were blurred and their voices were slowly fading as if I was falling into the deep end.

"Want some?" A girl whose face didn't ring a bell. Not that I expected it to.

She raised a tray that made me smile.

Pressing the bottle to my lips, a smile forming as I drank down the liquor in my hand.

"Another line...I'm superhuman." I chuckled, wiping the dust off my nose. The girl gave me a sweet smile, going off to offer some to the guys.

—

I don't mind admitting it.

I'm an idiot. I've hurt many and I'm still doing it. My way of life is nothing but something that everybody looks down on. I agree, it's the fucking worst.

I'm going too fast and I don't have an intention to slow down.

I want to shut the world out, push everyone close to me away and disappear. I don't want to ever see them again and keep moving fast. I want to burn through my life. Limitless and unhinged.

Though...sometimes I do want to stop. But I can't.

Because if I stop, I start feeling. I start thinking.

And I really don't mind being alone. I like it.
Being existentially dead and living in a split second just to end up in the ground.