You Idiot | Bakudeku/Suicidal Deku

15 - Decisions on impulse

Deku POV (TW, self harm)

I gasped as I felt him begin dragging me down the hallway, my feet grasping helplessly at the smooth floor, and my hands grabbing it his own. His grip was too strong, and so I quickly rolled down my sleeves and began to beat at his chest. "Kacchan, please!"

He didn't say anything. With the same hand he was holding my gloves in he covered my mouth. I tried to bite his hand, but he was wearing a thick glove, and just pressed his hand harder over my mouth.

There was no way I was going to wrestle out of his arms, and even if I did where would I go?

"Hey, hey!" I tried to yell through his fingers. I let myself go limp for a few seconds before wrenching myself as hard as I could away from him. "Let me talk..." I whimpered.

He stopped, taking a step back and biting his lip. He obviously realized he was taking things too far.

"I-I'm sorry..."

"We're still at a middle school. Can this wait until we get back to UA?" I asked shyly, crossing my fingers. I hoped he would agree, so I could have time to come up with a plan.

He stared at the ground for a while before answering. "Fine. But the moment we get back there-"

"I know, I know."

There were two different ways I could go about this. I could let him tell Mr. Aizawa, who would tell my mom, and All Might would find out, and then I'd be pegged as the depressed kid, sent to a therapist, and showered in sympathy.

Or, I could...

No, it was too rash of a decision. I didn't want to...right?

Maybe I did. Maybe I would.

Kacchan kept a close eye on me for the entire time we stayed there, occasionally putting his arms around me, or resting his head on my shoulder. Our classmates tried to keep doing what they were doing, but they kept staring. They couldn't take their eyes off of us.

"Alright, we're going to be heading back now." Mr. Aizawa announced.

***

We reached the school within an hour, and my heart sped up as Kacchan approached me. He put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me a little closer to him.

"We've gotta change out of our hero uniforms, right?" he said. He didn't really ask it like a question. He said it more as a nuisance, an annoying task we had to do.

I nodded.

***

When I left the locker room, Kacchan was still changing. I snuck out when he wasn't looking. My mind began to run in circles, trying to figure out what to do. I was in a tight spot. The only way I could get out of this completely unscathed would be to beg Kacchan to reconsider. He wouldn't take it, I had to plead the first time. Under other circumstances I would try to convince him that they were old ones, and that I hadn't done it again.

But I'd already given myself away. I'm such a idiot.

This was going to be so damn annoying if I had to deal with them. I couldn't.

An image of my mom crying flashed before my eyes. I pictured her pleading, crying, and the guilt built up in my chest and made me begin to cry.

No. I pressed my fingers against my mouth. I needed to stay calm.

Mom crying, leaning across the table, telling me that what I was doing was bad, and that I needed to take care of myself for her, and everyone that cared about me. She grabbed my hands, and stared into my eyes. Her eyes looked like mine, but a little bigger, and her cheeks were rounder.

All Might looking sadly at the floor, asking me if the burden of  One for All was too much, if it was the best idea for me to be a hero. Maybe I didn't have the potential that he thought I did.

My classmates staring, whispering, maybe talking to me for a few minutes. Out of sympathy, obviously. I would be known for that kid who cuts. Would I ever be able to live it down?

That was when I realized that I was running.

Nobody was behind me as I ran down the hallways, luckily. I ran faster until I saw our dorms. Uraraka saw me running, and I distinctly heard her ask if I was alright, and what I was running from.

I didn't answer, and before I knew it I was slouched down in my room, the door locked and a knife in my hand. I pressed it gently against my chest, then moved it away, and stared at it.

I wasn't going to do it...

I pressed it against my wrist.

Yes I was.