You Idiot | Bakudeku/Suicidal Deku

9 - Explanation

Deku POV (TW, mentions of bullying and self harm)

"Kacchan..."

I stared across the room as I felt the tears pricking back at my eyes.

"Please just tell me." he begged, and I felt his arms tighten around me.

I inhaled sharply.

"I didn't want to talk about this before, I don't know why you think it's any different now." I said in the most even voice I could.

"I just..." he cut himself off, and sniffed. I whipped around to stare at him. His cheeks were flushed bright red, and he was blinking super fast, but I could see how wet his eyes were. He squeezed them shut, and growled at me. "Stupid, stupid, nerd."

"I know." I mumbled as he opened his eyes back up. I'd almost made him cry.

"It wasn't you." I finally mumbled, biting down hard on my tongue.

"It...wasn't?" he looked away from me. "I thought that since I-"

"It wasn't mainly you." I blurted out quickly. His nose wrinkled up, and he glared at me.

He crossed his arms, and I felt slightly sad that he was leaning away from me. "Just tell me, then."

I bit down hard on my lip. I didn't want to explain my reasons before, I still didn't. He's only known for a day, and already he wanted to control everything and know everything. I don't want to tell him. I told my mom and she just gave me these pity looks and told me that I would be ok. I didn't want that from Kacchan.

And...knowing Kacchan, he wouldn't give me that.

"I was bullied by you and your friends, you obviously know that." I began, staring right into his crimson eyes. "What you don't know is that they took things into their own hands whenever you weren't there."

"They what?!" he snapped.

"You...really didn't know?" I was actually surprised. I thought at first that they did it behind his back, but I always thought that he knew something about it. My breath sped up as the memories came flooding back.

"They hurt me...worse." I admitted. "They never hit me in the face so no one would notice, but it didn't matter. I wished they'd only hit me in the face. I was always sore, and limping around, but you didn't notice."

I ran a hand down my chest, remembering a long scar across my stomach that they left.

"You told me to jump of a roof." was all I could say before I began crying.

"I know." he mumbled sourly. "I also remember that day on the roof."

I inhaled sharply. "I didn't really want to do it on that day, I was glad you were there."

It was only half a lie. I was glad he was there because I wanted to see him one last time before I...you know. I did want to jump that day, I didn't think he'd stop me. He is so aggravating. Luckily, Kacchan didn't notice that I emphasized on the word 'that'.

The only reason is that he would've been staring the whole time.

I can't kill myself with an audience.

If he hadn't been there in the morning, everything would be different. But, my plans only got more complicated, not canceled.

"You weren't the only one to tell me to kill myself." I shook my head slowly. "'Swan dive off the roof'? That was nothing. You don't want to know the things they said."

"Fuck..." Kacchan hissed. I jumped slightly at his fierce cursing.

"I slowly lost my will to try, to do good, to smile. I don't know if you noticed, to be honest."