You Idiot | Bakudeku/Suicidal Deku

78 - Explosions

Bakugo POV

Three days.

Three days ago they pulled me aside to talk. I thought I knew at first.

He had jumped off a roof, he had been hit by a car. He was dead, they found his body on the side of the road. They came to give me their condolences and get ready for the funeral. But it was none of that.

He was gone. Sero too. They didn't even find any clothes. They found blood from Sero in a random grassy space near some train tracks, and some evidence that Deku was there too, but that was all.

It was the most random combination. Sero and Deku. Sero was always somewhere in the middle, grades and hero work-wise. I didn't even know him that well. He was more Kirishima and Kaminari's friend then he was mine. I called him "Dunce-Face's boyfriend" in my head.

Of course, Kaminari was hit harder then anyone.

The little blonde had dark eyebags, shaking hands, and was losing weight slowly because of how little he was eating. He went to class like a bot, but mostly sat there holding his pencil trying not to cry. He was always wearing one of Sero's sweaters or t-shirts when he wasn't in uniform, and didn't talk to anybody except Kirishima.

Kirishima wasn't hit as hard, but he was roughed up. He was mainly in shock, and seemed irregularely quiet.

In the little friend group I was in, it felt like we were all broken.

We'd lost two members already, basically, I never came out of my room, and Jiro stopped talking to us all together. She seemed shaken up.

Mina was trying to hold us together, but even her bubbly personality couldn't fix us. She was the only person I let into my room though. She smelled like roses and wouldn't say a word if I cried.

It took me a day or two to fully process it.

Deku is gone.

He's gone.

He's probably dead.

They don't know where he is.

Before I realized what was happening I was on my side again, digging my fingers into the blanket and pulling it over my face.

Even in the comfort of my own room it felt like I was making myself vulnerable. Like a deer with a broken leg lying down in the middle of a meadow. There was a chance it would survive, but that's low. I'm not saying the class hasn't probably heard me crying, but I don't want it to happen more then it should.

He wasn't your husband, or brother, was he? Why do you get to be so upset over this. You hated him until less then a year ago. Your friend is dead and you barely shed a tear.

He was like family to me. I've known him since I was a child. He was as important as a sibling, even though we obviously didn't quite have that relationship.

My mind had basically just accepted that he's dead. That was logical, right? Sero was probably dead. He was too. A witness said they saw someone dragging a body off.

To make things even worse, authorities suspected Deku was even the one to kill Sero.

They suspected him for his parents' death already, along with his biological father. It was stupid fucking timing, that's what it was. Coincidence. I know for a fact he was with me that night, and would never even think about hurting Inko and All Might. His dad, maybe, but even then, he would never kill him.

It only added insult to injury, especially considering it was all going on me.

The questions, the sympathy, the worried looks. It all came down on me, and didn't leave any room for me to try and heal myself. Even a little bit. I wasn't even asking for my chest to stop hurting, I just wanted to go two hours without having to hide the misery on my face.

The motherfuckers in my class took it easy on me during training, and sometimes I was told to leave if I got too angry, or went to hard at them. I wanted to blow as much of the ground around me as I could, and I was being confined.

That rage only lasted and came back when I saw people. My brain just turned any sadness into rage.

Being alone was the worst and best thing to do, because it let me drop my ego for just a little while, but it made my mind go haywire.

Suddenly all I could think about was blowing everyone around me into bits. The thought crossed my mind over and over. Maybe if I did that they wouldn't ask me how I'm doing, and wouldn't tell me how they hoped they were both alive.

***

I rolled onto my side, opening my eyes slowly. My entire body felt exhausted yet like it was coursing with energy. My legs tingled, causing me to groan in annoyance and discomfort before grabbing at the blankets and yanking them up to my face.

I bit into the fabric, trying to tear it and realease my anger. I tensed and stretched my legs, turning so I was facing the ceiling once again. I craved sleep so badly, but my body wanted to run. I wanted to run from all of this shit.

Fuck. This used to happen a lot.

I would wake up at 5AM and just not be able to sleep. It happened to Deku a lot too, but much worse. He got very worried and I would find him sitting on the table, swinging his legs, running his nails along his arms, biting on his nails, searching for something stimulating so he wouldn't go crazy. I just needed to stretch my legs.

I got so used to getting up at those times that soon it was like an alarm, when I heard shuffling around I'd go to the kitchen to find the green-haired boy playing with something or just sitting there, swinging his legs until I picked him up and carried the sleepy boy back to bed. Most of the time I was already so tired I just laid next to him and fell asleep.

His little hands would hold onto me, and play with the front of my shirt or my hair until he fell back asleep. Sometimes we stayed up talking, or cuddling, or basically anything until we got tired enough to go back to sleep.

One time we were both sitting facing each other, him mostly leaning on me, mumbling responses as I was going on about something that happened during training. At one point as I was talking I noticed him going completely limp against me.

Teasingly, I had asked if he fell asleep, and when I got no response I lifted his chin up and kissed him on the nose.

He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, grabbing at my wrists.

"Please just let me sleep." He had muttered, opening his eyes ever so slightly as I gave him one more kiss, that time on the lips. He sighed a little in defeat before kissing back for only a second and pulling off and away from me, rolling so he faced the opposite direction.

I smiled only a little bit. It was barely visible, especially in the dark. I whispered another goodnight before falling asleep with my head tucked next to his and my arm curled protectively around his chest.

Eventually I ended up just sleeping next to him every night, putting an arm around him to keep him from leaving. It brought questions from our classmates, but I really didn't care.

I didn't have his angelic face to look at, or even the knowledge he was safe to comfort me. I was left in a half asleep state for hours until I was dragged into another mind-numbing state. I didn't know when it would end.

Another day of these people rubbing me on the back, and not trying to see if they can save his damn life.

Please just leave me alone before my head explodes. I just don't want him to be gone, so if there is a God please don't take him away.
______

Btw, my story is avaliable on AO3!

My name on there is the same as it is here, same with the story title.

I don't really know how to use it but I'm trying my best, I also don't know what hits or kudos are :')