I'm Not Okay {FIN & EDITING}

{37} Session 7

My right leg was shaking badly, my head hurt, my stomach was flipping, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I had no idea why I ran out of the nurse's office like that. I didn't know what caused me to feel sick and I just wanted it to stop. It hurt and I wanted to cry. I haven't cried since the accident my family had. I didn't know why I cried but Eden and my dad cried too and I felt terrible.

I sighed and looked around trying to forget about the accident and Rhett. Why would Rhett do that to himself? Hasn't he known that cutting can be addicting? How long have he been cutting? Why was he cutting his own arm like that? Has his mother known? I could already picture Rhett's mom while she's sad and crying and trying to chock because she heard her son was cutting.

"Zayden?" I snapped my head up to see my therapist calm and worried. "Are you okay?" I nodded and leaned back in my chair and whipped my sweaty hands on my pants. I didn't think I should tell her that Rhett was cutting. I could just tell her that I witnessed something and I wanted to forget it.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I gulped, "I just saw something that scared me."

She leaned forward and whispered, "what is it? What makes you scared?"

I narrowed my eyes at her and one word came to my head: "Death."

She looked shocked by my answer and I was, too. I've never talked about or liked death. Dying was bad, that I didn't know or understand why people cut themselves open and threat their own lives. I understood that they would end their lives to take their pain away, but there has to be something else. "Um...I've never thought you would talk about death. What made you think about that?"

My therapist asked and clicked her pen and started writing. I cleared my throat and looked at the door. Rhett was supposed to go first not me. I felt lost or disappointed; maybe even both, for some reason. Should have I left Rhett for my own personal problems? What was Rhett going to think about me when he wakes up and find out that I was not with him anymore? Would he care if I'm with him? Did he even care about me?

"Zayden, if you’re busy, we can do this another time." I heard my therapist said. I shook my head and looked back at her.

"I found out that Rhett is cutting himself and I couldn't stay with him." I blurted.

"Is he okay? Why didn't you stay with him?" She asked nervously and kept clicking her pen. I knew she knew Rhett was cutting. Why didn't she tell me? I could have known and tried to stop him.

"I think he is going to be alright and I didn't stay with him because I felt sick. When I looked at the blood on Rhett's arm I felt sick. I ran out of the nurse’s office and came to you."

She put her right leg over her left and thought for a moment what to say. "The memories came back to you, right? When you had that accident before, and It scared you and that's why you ran out of the nurse’s office," my therapist said and gave me a sad smile.

I thought about what she said and she was right. I was scared of Rhett's blood because I saw so much blood that it haunted me. It scared me and I didn't want to see it, it reminded me of my own blood. I nodded my head solemnly and tried to think about something else.

I gulped and said "I think I need to go home. I don't feel well." She nodded and got up from her chair and walked towards the door with me.

"Listen, Zayden, if there's something else, beside Rhett, I want you to tell me before I hear it from someone else. I need your word, okay?"

"You have no idea how badly I want to tell you everything, but I don't fully trust you, not yet." I screamed in my mind, trying to reply her request.

Then I replied her out loud, "Okay, Cassandra. I'll tell you everything tomorrow," and then I walked out of her room. Have I just called her by her first name?