I'm Not Okay {FIN & EDITING}

{56} A Shoulder To Cry On

My legs started to cramp and I was barely able to breath, but I didn't stop running. I felt like screaming and crying because I pushed a guy and putted him in a coma. I've never done anything like that before. That wasn't like me. My life was supposed to be normal and simple. I had to tell someone. Anyone. I thought about telling Cassandra, but she was going to tell my mother. I hoped Eden wasn't going to tell the cops.

My lungs have started to hurt me so I stood still for a minute to catch my breath as, I closed my eyes and started to inhale deeply to slow my breathing, after a very long I was good to go again, so I took another deep breath and took off running again.

"Damn it! I can't think straight!" I spat loudly and snorted as soon as the words left my mouth. How ironic. I didn't want to think about my sexuality at that moment. It wasn't the perfect time. I turned the corner and was about to run across the street when a car honk their horn and I stepped back on the side walk. I crouched down, my hands on knees, breathing heavily. I haven't run like that in years. I heard a car door slammed and the person who spoke made my heart stopped.

"What the hell, man? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" I kept staring at my converse that Eden drew on and thought about him.

"Please, Eden, don't make anything stupid, don’t call the cops" I prayed silently. The cops weren't going to need to know it was me. Please!

The voice cut off my thought and I looked up to see brown eyes, "Z-Z-Zayden? W-what's wrong? Are you okay?"

I stood up straight and pecked over his shoulder to see his car. Red. Then I remembered when we were in the car and Rhett was driving like a mad man. I stared at the car and a memory flahsed in my mind. I hit my head on the car window, hearing my mom screaming for me and Eden. I felt something warm on my hand... 

"Zayden!" I blinked and looked at Rhett, "Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded and starched my neck, then I gulped and my eyes started to wonder everyone around him, I was trying to avoid looking into his eyes. What did he want? Wasn't he supposed to be in therapy with Cassandra?

I wanted him to go. He shouldn't see me like that. He should have been with Alexandrina or with his idiot friends. The thought of Alexandrina made my veins pumped up and I felt like punching her face. He didn't deserve her; he deserved someone nice, not hideous in the inside, and would be honest with him.

"Zayden, please talk to me," he begged and extended his arm so he would pat on my shoulder, I glanced at his brown eyes and cracked open like a shell. "I-I-I p-p-putted a-a m-man i-in t-the h-hospital," I whispered, hoping he wouldn't hear me. He was going to think of me as a criminal for putting a man in the hospital. 

"What?" Rhett asked again as a frown appeared on his face. When he said that, I felt his concern, like if he actually gave a care about me.

"Zayden..." he whispered again and touched my cheek, I looked at his fingers and there were wet, I touched my face and found out that I was crying without realizing. I covered my face with my hands and started to sob. I cried so hard that I thought Cassandra was hearing me in her office back at the school. I wiped my tears on my sweater sleeve, wishing they would go away but they didn't, they just kept falling down on my face uncontrollably. I was looking in my hands when I felt his warm arms wrapped around my waist and pulling me to somewhere soft.

"I didn't ask for a hug," I mumbled stubbornly and sniffled.

"You need one," he mumbled back. When I was free again, I wiped my whole face with my hands and looked at my shoes. I started moving my feet and waited for Rhett to say something. He was going to call me a cry baby, a wimp, a softy, a sissy, a wuss, a coward and other words I couldn't think of at that moment.

"Why were you crying?" He asked softly. My heart jumped and I looked up quickly. He was not going to call me a cry baby?

"I thought I told you," I replied. I tried to sound harsh but it sounded like a baby's voice who gotten hit,

"I couldn't understand you." He admitted with a shrug, I sighed and opened my mouth to say it again, but I looked into his eyes and he was worried, shocked, and frightened. I had no clue why he was like that. He shouldn't be like that, but it made me feel like my heart was getting bigger in my chest.

"If you don't want to tell me, then don't. But I'm here to help, Zayden. You can cry whenever you want with me, okay? Tears don't scare me away, besides, I won't ever tell anyone," he said simply and the corner of his lips twitched as he smiled slightly at me. And like that, my heart exploded. Not from hurt, but from happiness and how Rhett actually cared for me.

He was the first person, beside my mom, Eden, and Cassandra, who cared for me. I nodded slowly and he smiled.

I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow. "What now?"

He shook his head and his smile widened. I pushed him away softly and said again "What now?"

He chuckled and I wanted to smile for making him laugh but I didn't feel like it. "You’re wearing my coat," he finally said.

My eyes widened and I quickly took off the jacket, the cold wind hit me like a ton of bricks. I shivered and gave him the coat back. "I forgot, sorry."

I really wanted to wear the coat until I got back home, but it was his. I hugged myself and looked at the coat. It was a simple black coat that was kind of big for me because I had a skinny body and Rhett had muscles but not massive.

Rhett took a step closer to me and before I could take a step back, he putted his jacket on my shoulders and smiled.

"W-why are you giving it back? It’s yours," I said in a confused tone. I needed to stop stuttering. I felt helpless like a baby, and I wrapped my arms around myself again.

"You’re shivering and I don't want it anymore. You can keep it," he said and took a step back.

I put my arms in the arms holes and hugged myself. "It's big," I said, and it sounded like I was whining.

He chuckled and said "You look cute, Zayden." My heart jumped and Rhett quickly turned red. "I-I-I mean you look okay. Y-y-you want me to take you home?"

I glanced at the red car behind him and shook my head. I didn't want to go back in that car or any car. I think I was scared of cars. I bite my lip and looked down. I think I was nervous and embarrassed around Rhett. He made me laugh and tried to make me smile, and I did have a little feeling for him. Maybe that's why I was always shy and embarrassed around him.

Again, I shouldn't be talking about my sexuality! We stood there in some kind of an awkward silence until I broke it off.

"I-I have to go," I said and was about to walk off when he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug.

"If you want to cry, you can cry on my shoulder. I don't mind," he whispered and then he let me go.

I wanted to feel the warmth again, but that was weird for him. He didn't like me. He was in love with Alexandrina. As I walked off, I looked behind me and saw Rhett smiling. I smiled a little bit and pulled his jacket closer to me. I definitely was going to need a shoulder to cry on more often. But not crying for sadness.