I'm Not Okay {FIN & EDITING}

{65} Flashback

I slammed the door closed when I got inside my house. I knew Cassandra was worrying about me but I didn't give a fuck at that moment, I was hurting because she betrayed my trust in her. Even if I did something wrong, she wasn't supposed to tell the cops on me behind my back. Wasn't she supposed to advice me to do the right thing instead of that? Yeah, I thought so.

I walked into the kitchen to grab something to drink. The Detective were going to call the house and I was hopping my dad wouldn't pick up the phone. They should leave a voicemail and when they are done talking, I can delete the voicemail and my dad wouldn't know that I went to the police station.

I leaned my hip on the kitchen counter and kept taking small sips from my cup. I was too calm. I should've been angry, but the only thing I was feeling, was nothing. I didn't feel anything. Everything happened too fast. I tried to get over the fact that Cassandra betrayed me but seeing her sorrow and shocked kept flashing in my mind. I shook my head. No, she deserved it. She should feel guilty.

The phone ringed and I didn't pick it up, and then it stopped. I stopped taking sips. Was my dad there? Wasn't he supposed to be with Rachael?

"Hello?" I heard my dad's voice in the living room. Then I heard the loud TV turned low and I heard only silence. I wasn't ready to face my dad. I needed to rest.

"He what?" My dad asked loudly, I  wanted to run, I could hide in my room, I'd lock the door so he wouldn't come in and try to talk to me. I'd stay there in peace and stare at the ceiling, at my beautiful glowing stars. But I might as well just face him and get it out of my way.

 "Okay, thank you but my son wouldn't do that." I rolled my eyes and walked to the trash can. I opened the lid and threw the cup away. I wiped my mouth with my sweater sleeve. Give it up dad. They know it was me, I thought. 

"Is the man going to charge him?" There was silence. I heard a sigh in relief and my dad said thank you again and I heard the beep. Five...four...three...two...one...

"Zayden what the hell was that?" My dad screamed walking into the kitchen. And my so called dad has come.

I shrugged and crossed my arms over my chest. "I don't know. You talked to them right?" I replied carelessly.

He glared at me. "Don't get smart with me, Zayden. The police called and said that you put a man in a coma. Can you tell me what the hell happened?"

"Why? You don't give a shit anymore."

"Of course I give a shit! It's just been hard for all of us." My dad only cursed when he was angry; he was making me angry, too.

"Don't you think I know that? What about you break up with that liar you called a girlfriend!"

"She isn't a liar!" His voice was deep now, and his hands turned into fists.

"Oh, my bad. I mean a homophobic, lying, bitchy, low life, bitch who doesn't give a damn about anyone!"

My dad's fists were shaking; veins were popping out of his forehead and arms. I could see he wanted to hit me but then he would feel guilty afterwards. I meant every word I said to him because he needed to get it through his skull.

My dad took a deep breath, closing his eyes, sighed, and then opened his eyes. "Zayden, I know this is a big thing for you but we need to move on."

"Move on from what? Your cheating on mom like it's nothing!"

"You don't understand," he said softly.

"I understand everything perfectly. You don't love mom anymore."

"I love her very much!" He roared.

"Then why did you cheated on her if you love her?" I roared back.

"Because you can't cheat anyone if they're dead!" My heart stopped.

I felt all the anger in my body drained and I said "W-what?"

His voice soften. "Because you can't cheat on anyone if they're dead," he repeated.

Then I thought back for the last five years. My dad was taking the pills for mom and us. That was why he forgot about us sometimes. That was why he cried himself to sleep. That was why Eden was mean. Everything was because my mom had died in that accident we had.

We were going to a place that my dad wouldn't tell us. I started to get annoyed and impatient. It was rare for my parents to take us to an unknown place because they have to work every day. I sometimes didn't mind because it was work but then I wished they would hang out with us more.

"Dad," I whined, "Are we there yet? I want to go home and go to sleep."

"But that means you'll have to wake up early for school," he said and looked at my through the view mirror.

I rolled my eyes, sat back, and crossed my arms. "I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Everyone's annoying."

"You say the same thing about your brother, Den." 

I looked at the window and saw trees passing us fast. "That's different, dad. He's my brother, not a school."

"Yes, but he's annoying too."

"I can hear you, you know?" Eden screamed. I heard my mother's soft laugh and it made me smile. Dad looked at us through the view mirror and mom turned her whole body to look at us. She had a big smile on her face and I looked at her, then I saw a truck coming our way. I screamed.

Crash!

I hit my head on something really hard and I heard my mom's voice. She was screaming, and I felt a hand on my arm. I heard Eden's screaming too and then I felt two small hands on my arm. Someone was shaking me. I heard the honk going off. I opened my eyes slowly to see Eden's head leaning on the window, blood on his forehead, and my mom's head was in a weird angle.

Eden and my mom's hand were on my arms. The honk was still going off, making my headache hurt more. I felt something warm on my head, running down on my cheek. I tried moving my head, but a groan escaped my mouth. My eyes started to fall. I looked out the window to see bright green trees, standing there being useless.

A blurry face covered the trees. "Hello? Are you okay?" I let darkness take me.

"I'm so sorry, Zayden." My dad's voice brought me back to the present. I blinked and his face softened. "Your mom died from a broken neck. I guessed when we got hit, the truck crashed, making her body turned and her neck caught on something. You, Eden, and I survived the accident. We only had a few bruises on our body and we left until our bodies didn't hurt or gave out quickly."

I didn't say anything. This was too much. My dad wrapped one arm around my head and made me lean on his chest. I sniffed and wiped my eyes with my sweater sleeve.

He kissed my head and said in a low voice "I never meant to hurt you, or Eden. You and him are the only thing I have."

"Looks like Rachael is the only thing you have," I mumbled. He didn't say anything and pulled me closer.

"This whole time," I started, "I was talking to myself?"

"Yeah. I told Eden not to tell you until I'd tell you someday," he said. I sighed and let my dad hug me. I needed someone to hold me. I tried to bury my face into my dad's chest as far as I can go.