I'm Not Okay {FIN & EDITING}

{36} Couldn't Stay With You

The nurse finally came and I wanted to scream at her the minutes I saw her face, but it wasn’t her fault. I held Rhett and got him inside the room and helped him to lie down on the bed, and I just stood there staring at him, and his chest which moved up and down every time he inhaled or exhaled. We didn't talk because we were already in the nurse’s office because of him.

I couldn't leave him with a bleeding arm and I knew if I asked him to go on his own, he wouldn't have made it to the nurse’s office. What caused him to bleed like that? There was so much blood and everybody was just staring when they should have been doing something.

At least I had some sense. Why hasn't Rhett talked to me when he came to sit on my table? Why did he sit with me in the first place? Why didn't he sit with his friends? Why did Rhett look sick every time I did or say something bad to him? Why did he tell the therapist? All of those questions chased inside my head and hurt.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair and leaned on my chair. The nurse came back in the room with alcohol, paper towels, and huge band-aids. I stood up next to her so I could see this cut. The nurse had brunette hair that was tied in a messy bun; she wore a white coat like in those Law & Order shows, and little makeup on her face.

She pulled Rhett sleeve up slowly and she stopped every time when Rhett hissed. She pulled his sleeve up completely and I felt sick when I saw what was under that sleeve. I thought it was a medium cut on his arm but there were different cuts, different angles, and different sizes.

It frightened me to see some many scars on his arm. In my life I wasn't ever going to believe that he was still living after all of these cuts. The nurse sighed sadly and put alcohol on the paper towel.

"Have you done this before?" I blurted out. I covered my mouth and looked away. Why have I asked that? I didn't think she was going to answer me, and I didn't want him to think I was being mean or something.

"I had Rhett before," she replied without turning around. I raised an eyebrow and slowly removed my hands from my mouth. "What do you mean?" I asked curiously. Has she met before? Were they friends? Were they related? What in the hell did she mean with that "before" word.

"I know when someone is or isn't cutting themselves, Zayden."

"How do you know my name, nurse?"

"Call me Ms. London." Okay... She knew my name. How has she known my name? Have we met before?

"Anyways, Rhett has been cutting since the beginning of the school year. I caught him cutting in the hallway and told him he shouldn't cut himself. He didn't say anything and I made a deal with him. I won't tell anyone he cuts unless he tells me why and who should I tell," she said, and I didn't say anything.

I only heard the sound of Rhett hissing and me cracking my knuckles. "Why are you telling me?" I asked when she was done with Rhett. Rhett didn't get up so I checked on him and he had his eyes closed. His chest was moving up and down but slowly. He was sleeping.

"Rhett said I couldn't tell you, until he tells you first," she said and gave me a smile.

I frowned and said "Why hasn't he told me then?"

"He wants to tell you in the right time, Zayden. Just be patient."

I snorted and looked around. "I don't think I have any patience when I have to save his sorry ass."

Ms. London laughed and I tried not to smile. I've been making people laughing and that made me want to laugh, too. But what if they didn't like my laugh? What if it was too loud or not a laugh at all? And why in the world was I worried about my laugh?

I mentally rolled my eyes and looked at Rhett's arm. Ms. London hasn't fully put the band-aid on him and I started to get scared. My heart started to beat rapidly, I felt dizzy, my head hurt, and I groaned. I gripped my head and I felt a hand on my hand.

"Zayden, are you okay?" Ms. London asked worriedly. I slowly moved her hand out of mine and nodded my head slowly.

"Y-y-yes, I just need to-I need to go," I said and quickly ran out of the nurse's office. I didn't know where was I going, but I couldn't stay there. I couldn't stay with them. I couldn't stay with Rhett.