I'm Not Okay {FIN & EDITING}

{34} I Can't Be Gay {Picutre of Crevan}

Eden didn't want to go to school that day to face the guy who used to bully him, who was in the same time Eden's crush. He said he couldn't take it any more of those feelings for him and that he wanted them to go away.

I wished if I could help him to fight those feelings away but what I told him that it was only a crush, it wasn't love, and that it was going to fade away by the time. He nodded with a smile and agreed with me.

My brain told me that he hoped he wasn't going to fall for his bully but my heart has hoped that he would find his love, because I was sure as hell that I was not going to find mine. I sighed and walked towards my locker to get my stuff.

As I was getting my stuff out, I glanced to my right and saw Crevan walking towards me. I groaned and continued putting my stuff in my bag. "Just ignore him and keep your mouth shut." I warned myself silently and pressed my lips together as hard as I managed to.

I closed my locker and jumped when I saw Crevan leaning on another locker beside it, staring at me. He looked the same, but I could tell from the look on his face that something was off; I couldn't put my finger on it, but my guts told me that it was about Alexandria.

"I know you’re going to ignore me forever, but I want to say something. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were the loser that my friend told me about. I thought it was a girl he was talking about and when I heard your voice I wanted to hang up but I told him you answered. He threatened to tell the whole school that I'm gay and that I'm dating you," he said while staring straight into my eyes.

I knew he wasn't lying because I watched so much Law & Order and I knew when someone wasn't lying. I felt terrible that he was threatened, but I was curious and angry about something.

"What's wrong with being gay?" I asked and he didn't say anything. He looked around and ran a hand through his black hair. I glanced at his eyes and remembered when I drew him. I should rip it up and try to forget him. Forever. But I just couldn't for some reason.

"I-I-I just can't be gay," he finally said. "Who said you can't? It isn't a choice to be gay or not! And if you're gay then you should be proud!" He looked shocked by my words and I was shocked too. There was nothing wrong with being gay but I've never imagined myself being gay. But then what about that dream I had about Crevan and I while we were cuddling each other? I liked that feeling and I didn't think it will ever go away. His eyes hardened and the sudden change of his mood frightened me a little bit.

"I can't be gay, Zayden. I know you won't understand because you aren't popular like me."

I glared at him, trying to understand his point, "Who said I even want to be popular? All you do is to gossip and party. I want more that just getting drunk and having sex with a girl."

The bell rang and everyone was pushing each other to get to their classes before the late bell ring. The doors were closed and it was just me and Crevan who sat in the hall like nothing had happened.

"Who said I wanted to gossip, party, and have sex with a girl?" I rolled my eyes and was about to walk away when someone grabbed my arm and turned me around.

I was staring into blue eyes and I pushed him away, "Don't touch me," I said angrily. He wrapped his arms around my waist quickly and I tried to push him away. I cursed myself for not being strong enough and I wasn't going to give up. He slammed me on his chest and I felt his breath on my ear.

"I'm sorry, Zayden. Please don't be mad at me. And when I said "'have sex with a girl?"' I really meant it. I wouldn't be surprised if I ever wanted to have sex with you."

My eyes widened and he let me go. He smirked at me before walking away. I stood there like an idiot, didn't have an idea about how I was supposed to say or to do, but I was scared and embarrassed. My heart was beating rapidly and my stomach was full with butterflies. What the hell had just happened?