I can see you standing next to me
In and out somewhere else right now
You sigh, look away
I can see it clear as day
Close your eyes, so afraid
Hide behind that baby face
You can drive all night
Looking for the answers in the pouring rain
You wanna find peace of mind
Looking for the answer
***
This year has been one hell of a ride wouldn't you say? A very bumpy, dangerous, full of unnecessary loops, never-ending rollercoaster of emotions.
With many rides comes many ups and downs and then that amazing feeling after when it comes to an end and your process and take in all the feelings that you felt.
Your stomach starts to ease, your face cold from the wind that blew through your hair, and your nerves slowly wash away when you have that reassurance that it's over.
But sometimes people chant to go again, enjoying that feeling, wanting to feel it more, so they stick to the same ride knowing what those ups and downs look like.
You get used to the feeling of the ride so nothing becomes a shock anymore; it becomes familiar.
You enjoy the stability and you enjoy the feeling of being comfortable because you're so used to the ride instead of being unfamiliar like the people who had gotten off and moved on.
Then other people want nothing more but to get off of the ride and find something new and maybe even better. They prefer to step out of their comfort zone and take that risk to find something more new, fun, and exciting.
For the longest time, I was going on the same ride of life over and over again but never necessarily got used to all of the downs.
Some days I had hoped I'd be going up, knowing damn well I was more familiar with the rollercoaster than anyone else. So I should've known I was bound to drop eventually.
But after meeting Harry I finally took the step and got off. I wanted to move on and try something new and even though I needed a bit of a push seeing as it's quite scary, I still got there.
I'm proud of myself too.
This years now coming to an end and I could either stay on this ride with Harry, staying afraid for my life because of things that are out of my control, knowing he's more than ready to get off with me and move onto something new.
Or I could grab his hand, get off of this mess, and become stronger than I've ever been before. Instead of accepting failure like I've been saying, I could fight back as I've always dreamt of doing.
I keep telling myself, 'it's all out of my control' but that's all my choice at the end of the day.
That could easily be changed and I have a feeling that maybe if I try hard enough and have enough people supporting me, knowing that they would, why not try?
Why continue pretending to be a new Ariana when I'm still just as afraid as I was before? The only difference now is I'm no longer blinded. The truth gave my confidence, but that doesn't make me any less afraid.
I don't want to be scared anymore and I feel like if I try hard enough I don't have to be. Because constant fear and hiding and wishing things were different won't change anything other than my sanity.
The only thing that could put an end to all of this is change and that's something that I'm lacking deeply.
I'm ready to move on and fight. I want to fight.
"You're zoning out" Harry speaks up from behind me, wrapping his long arms around my waist, while he rests his chin on my shoulder, "what is it?" he asks, sounding concerned.
Resting my head against his, I place my hands down on the sink and stare out of the tiny window to see everyone gathered around the campfire having a good time.
"This makes me happy," I tell him, glancing around the quiet house, hearing the muffled giggles coming from outside, "and I don't want to lose this" I admit.
"You won't" he shakes his head, pulling away from me until he spins me around and presses my back gently up against the countertop, "not unless you're the one to leave, I'm never going anywhere" he looks at me with saddened eyes.
Placing my hand up against his cheek, circling my thumb softly against his skin, I look up at him and smile before I look back down in between the two of us.
I never know how to put the way I feel into words without sounding insane or making any sense, but Harry always somehow understands me.
There's no judgment and there's no longer any fear when it comes to being honest with him about the way that I feel.
I try not to hold back anymore like I used to.
"I don't mean losing you because of a break up" I look back up and stare into his green eyes, "I mean I don't want to lose you because of things my father's done or because Marco's pissed at you." I shake my head, creasing my brows as I try my hardest to focus.
It's so much deeper than that, we both know it is but we never really talk about it. It's almost like if we speak about it it becomes more real than we want to believe it is now.
Harry stares down at me, closing his eyes as he lets my words sink in, he doesn't say another word so the kitchen becomes even quieter than it was already because we're alone.
The only sound other than our quiet breathing that rings through my ears is the sound of the clock ticking, getting closer to midnight as we stand here.
"Do you see a future for us?" I ask suddenly, looking back behind me out of the window before I turn back around and still see him speechless as if his words and thoughts are scrambled around in his brain.
I know it's a blunt question and I know it's probably hard to answer because we haven't been with each other for a long time but for us to work it's something we need to discuss.
I don't want to sit around and be in a relationship that's full of danger just for us to not work out one day.
I already have a feeling of what he will say, but I need to make my point for him to understand.
"Yes" he spits out after a few seconds, his tone sounding like he was surprised I had even asked, "of course I see a future. There's nothing I want more, of course, yes." he rambles, placing his hands on my cheeks while his eyes dart back and forth from my eyes to my lips.
The excited rambled tone in his voice makes me smile but also causes me to slowly frown when my thoughts snap me back out of that brief moment of happiness and overwhelm me with my reality.
"Well then what do you see? What does our future look like to you?" I place my hands on his arms, holding his wrists while his hands apply pressure to my cheeks.
"I just see us happy," he says, shrugging his shoulder while he smiles down at me, "my future only makes sense when I picture you in it. I don't care what it is we do, as long as I'm with you. When I'm with you I'm happy, I know we're going to be happy."
"How could you see that though? How could you ever imagine a happily ever after when we can't even leave each other without worrying about it being our last time together?" I raise my voice slightly, trying to help him understand my perspective, but I can see the sadness slowly start to overwhelm his eyes.
He drops his hand down between us, intertwining his fingers with mine while he looks down at the ground.
"I don't see a clear imagine Ariana. I don't and I'm not going sugar coat it or to lie to you about it," he shakes his head and looks back up at me, "but regardless of what happens I see a future with you because I can't see myself with anybody else. I don't want to be with anybody other than you, ever." he rants, his red eyes now piercing into mine.
"I want to be with you too. You don't understand how bad I wish I could just stop and be happy with you without worrying about the future, but I can't. I don't know what comes next and that terrifies me. You heard my father, he's coming after me, and then after that who knows what will happen to me."
"He won't. I won't let him, alright?" he grabs onto my face again, stepping even closer to me as he does so, "I love you more than anything in this entire world and the last thing I'm going to let happen is anyone, including your father, get in between us."
My eyes begin to water when his words sink in and fill my stomach with reassuring butterflies that flutter around inside of me.
"Look at me" he lifts my head, urging our eyes to connect while he wipes the pad of his thumb under my eyes, "we'll be alright" he nods his head before kissing me, breathing heavily against my skin as he pulls me closer to him and spills his emotion out into my lips.
My entire body relaxes, those butterflies that were once nervous fill with excitement when his tongue teases my bottom lip and his hands wander over my skin.
"Do you trust me?" he mutters out his question against my lips, biting down on my bottom lip before he leans back and rests his forehead against mine.
"Of course I do" I pull back slightly, answering his question with zero hesitation as I look up into his eyes, staring at him like he shouldn't have even had to ask to know my answer.
"Then please believe and trust me when I say no matter what happens in our futures, whether we're together or not you will be okay, alright? You're one hell of a badass and could easily do all this on your own. I'm not strong like you, you should be proud of yourself" he smiles down at me, dragging his hand down to my lower back.
His words make me blush, his opinion meaning more to me than anyone else's so hearing him say something so sweet does nothing but completely and utterly sweep me off of my feet.
...and holy hell does he look amazing today.
I'm not sure if it was the fatherly instincts he had with Ella or what, but seeing him not only passionate but so protective over everyone he loves overwhelms me in the best way possible.
I just love loving him.
Turning back over to see the clock I see we have thirty minutes until midnight, then I look back outside to see everyone distracted and having a good time, and because I'm so emotional maybe right now wouldn't be a terrible time to sneak off with Harry.
You know, to express to him how I feel...
Without saying a word I grab onto Harry's hand, dragging him out of the kitchen and down the hall until we reach the steps where we run up quickly.
"Where are you taking me sunflower?" he asks in a laugh, smacking his hand against my butt as we reach the top of the steps.
Jumping up slightly from the abrupt feeling of his hand, I turn around and smile innocently before I lean against the door, tugging down on the handle before I stumble back into the room.
Harry leans down, instantly kissing my neck as he holds me up with his hands wrapped around my waist as I fall backward, mumbling quietly into his ear as I wrap my hands at the back of his neck before I turn around.
"What the fuck!" I scream out in genuine fear, feeling my heart race when I look over at the bed.
"Hi" Ashton mumbles, waving at us while his other hand is up to his mouth which happens to be full of popcorn he must have stuffed inside, "were you guys about to," he looks around the room, then pulls his hand up to his mouth before whispering, "have sex?"
Jesus Christ why the hell isn't he outside? I could've sworn he was just out there.
"Why are you in my bed?" Harry asks, walking over to Ashton, "and why the hell are you eating my fruit snacks you asshole" he glares, knocking Ashton's feet down off of the bed.
Harry keeps fruit snacks in his nightstand because he gets hungry in the middle of the night but hates eating anything too heavy because then he gets stomach aches.
So he has a drawer full of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks.
He always saves the blue ones for me because he knows they're my favorite. So we end up getting up in the middle of the night around four in the morning and eat fruit snacks while we're half asleep.
It's sort of a nighttime ritual.
"Fuck the fruit snacks you large curly-headed child" Ashton speaks up, tossing the small baggy at Harry's head, which only causes the two of them to start bickering back and forth like they always do.
"I'm going to kill you" Harry slaps him upside the head, pushing Ashton backward until he rolls into a backflip and then falls off of the bed, knocking Harry's soccer participation award down off of the wall again from the large thump.
My jaw drops, looking down at Ashton who's on the floor with widened eyes, "you should probably run" I tell him, "he takes his award very seriously" I sigh.
"He can kill me all he wants, that'll just add a reason for why he's going to hell" he rolls into a somersault then glances back and forth to us while he sits on his knees, "the first reason being the fact you guys have premarital sex like heathens!" he yells out in a dramatic tone, annunciating the word heathens with a bit of force loudly.
Considering what happened the last time Harry and I had sex he's honestly probably not wrong.
"Hey baby," Harry looks over at me as he speaks, "would it be considered premarital sex if I stick my foot up his ass?" he asks calmly.
Ashton gasps loudly, holding his hand over his face, while he looks over at Harry with a glimpse of shock in his expression, "oh so he's freaky?" Ashton looks over at me with his brows raised.
I part my lips to speak but no words come out, only a laugh I tried my hardest to hold back after seeing the priceless look on Ashton's face.
"Freaky?" Harry looks at Ashton with his forehead wrinkled in confusion, snapping his head back after repeating the word.
"Like kinky," Ashton whispers as if it's a secret, "you know like crazy shit. Like for example this one time a girl tied me to the bed and then she used a-"
"I know what kinky means you bloody idiot I don't need an example!" Harry yells out loudly, holding his hands over his ears before he climbs off of the bed in a hurry.
Pulling my hands up to my mouth, I look down at my feet and try to hold in my laugh while watching the two of them interact.
Ashton stands up and sighs out in frustration as he patted his hands down his clothes, "maybe I should leave and let you guys have sex as most sinners do. You seem a little tense" Ashton folds his arms over his chest.
Turning around, I bend down and pick up the picture frame Ashton had knocked over and place it back on the wall, listening in on their conversation as I do.
"Fuck off" Harry snaps back aggressively, "and stop talking about our sex life, it's disrespectful to Ariana," he says calmly, placing his hand on my lower back as I walk over to him and rest my head against his arm.
"Sorry brownie" Ashton mumbles out in a soft tone, looking directly at me as he does so.
"Brownie?" I repeat him with a confused tone.
"You have brown hair" he shrugs, "and if H wants a nickname I can call him vanilla because...well that one's pretty self explanatory" he laughs quietly.
Glancing up at Harry to see his expression, I watch closely as he closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath through his nose before blowing it out of his puckered lips.
Shaking my head as I rub my hand against his back to calm him, I look back over at Ash who seems to be mouthing to me silently, 'is he vanilla?'
But before I could say anything back or react in any way, Harry opens up his eyes and sees Ashton which only triggers him more.
"It would be really sad if you didn't make it until next year" Harry coos through a deep breath, tilting his head to the side.
"Next year is in like twenty minutes you idiot" Ash laughs, but after a few seconds the thought finally hits him, causing him to drag out a long 'ohh' before widening his eyes in fear.
Harry tucks his lips into his mouth, nodding his head slowly before mumbling out a tired, "yeah."
Great I'll be going into a new year with my boyfriend in prison for killing my best friend over a childish sex comment.
Why is it that would be the least shocking thing that could happened to me?
"Can I have a head start?" Ashton asks, darting his eyes over at the door, before looking back over at Harry with his shoulders slouched down as if he's praying he'll say yes.
"Fine, you have ten seconds. But only because I want to kiss my girlfriend goodbye before I go to prison over your stupid ass" he deadpans, shrugging his shoulders while his tone stays completely neutral.
That's sort of sinisterly sweet of him.
"Feel free to take it to the next level if necessary" Ash adds on before running past us, "oh and Ariana bury me in blue," he yells to me before pushing his way out of the door he runs down the steps, but then must've fallen over because of the loud never-ending thumps that come from down the hall.
"Timeout! I think I broke my leg" Ashton groans.
Happy New year everybody.
After Harry attacked Ashton outside, pretending to push him into the fire, at least I hope he was kidding, all of the kids gathered in the living room for the ball to drop.
The countdown is currently at two minutes, and I couldn't be happier with how we spent our chaotic day.
Ella is doing much better, Harry and I had a healthy conversation, I genuinely believe after this day I can be someone better and stronger than I was last year, and Ashton thankfully survived Harry's threatening outburst.
We seem to be okay, we seem to be happy, and nothing makes me happier than seeing the people I love so much happy.
I'm not letting anyone get in the way of this feeling anymore.
"Did you kiss anyone last new year?" Harry asks, gazing down at me as we stand next to the lit tree, with his hands around my waist while mine rest on his broad shoulders.
Shaking my head, I giggle nervously to myself when our eyes connect, "no I didn't, did you?" I ask him, swaying back and forth slightly to the sound of the music that comes from the tv.
He shakes his head as well, "no, you were actually my first kiss this year" he tells me, sounding sincere.
I however rock my head to the side, making a 'pshh' sound as I stare at him like I don't believe a word he's saying, because to be completely honest I don't.
"What?" his lips curl up into a crooked grin, "I'm serious. Is that really so hard to believe?" he asks with a grin.
"Yes," I let out shortly, laughing in disbelief until he looks down at the ground which then makes me feel guilty "I just mean, I'm shocked you didn't hook up with anybody. You made it seem like you did often." I try to explain myself in case I had upset him by stating my assumption.
"Well I did," he tells me, not making any sense, "but I never kissed any of the people I had sex with"
I'm sorry he what? He had sex with people but didn't kiss them? What do you do the entire time? Talk about your day?
I mean I'm not necessarily judging him, I just don't really understand how that wouldn't be an awkward situation.
So he wouldn't kiss them goodbye? I wonder what the alternative would be. Maybe a fist bump? That's kind of cute.
Nodding my head as I process what he's saying, I glance back at the tv to see one minute left. "If you don't mind, could you explain to me why? Like were girls ever offended?" I ask curiously.
He laughs, leaning over and whispering in my ear when the room becomes even louder, "kissing's always felt more intimate than sex to me. I don't like to do it unless it's with someone special because it means a lot to me, that's why I didn't kiss anyone other than you. And no not really, but I also don't remember much" he tells me, pulling back and away with a soft expression.
Placing my hand on his cheek, I smile widely up at him before I lean back in, "well I'm honored, and if it makes you feel any better you were mine too" I say back into his ear.
"I was?" he asks, furrowing his brows while he stares at me.
"Yeah, why is that so hard to believe?" I use his words against him like I normally do, making him huff a quiet laugh.
"I love you, Ariana," he says suddenly, grazing his bottom lip subtly with his tongue before looking me up and down quickly, piercing his green eyes into my tanned skin.
My cheeks become warm when I see the way he's looking down at me, blushing from his words along with the words his eyes are speaking in their own muted language.
"I love you too" I tell him, sounding the most sincere I've ever sounded in my entire life.
He smiles down at me, rubbing his fingers against my back, holding me close to his chest, while he starts to hum along to the muffled music coming from the tv.
I think he might be right; I think we'll be okay.
As the chanting coming from the tv along with the sound of the kids counting down from ten, Harry and I stay silent as we stare at each other in awe, admiring one another as I silently thank the universe for pulling him to me this year.
"Any last minute new years resolutions" Harry yells over the screams and chants coming from everyone.
"Birth control!" I yell back, making him laugh until they finally scream the number one.
Harry places his hands to my hips, gripping into my shirt before he pulls me close to him, crashing his soft pink lips into mine, completely taking my breath away while I melt in his arms.
The sounds of the yelling fade away, my ears ringing with the sound of my own heartbeat pounding, mixed with the sound of Harry quietly groaning against my lips in satisfaction.
The second he pulls away, my eyes fluttering open slowly as I get knocked out of my daze, I stare back up at him and can't help but smile when I see his face.
"I'll call the doctor first thing tomorrow" he breaks the silence, smiling widely before he quietly laughs to himself.
"I love you asshat" I giggle.
"I love you too Angel" he smiles softly, kissing my lips again before we get interrupted and startled by the sound of somebody's voice.
"I can't tell if the nicknames are toxic or cute but I'm here to support," Ashton speaks up, standing beside us, watching us closely like he's watching a reality show or something.
Harry grinds his teeth, "how long have you been standing there?" he asks with frustration in his voice.
"Long enough to know your girlfriend wants to get on birth control and you're a much better kisser than you were in the sixth grade when you made out with Asia Williams" Ashton shrugs, Harry immediately gritting his clenched teeth.
"Ten-second head start?" Ash groans a tired breath a few seconds later.
Harry folds his arms over his chest before nodding his head, "ten...nine...eight...."
Yep, Happy New Year.
***
A/N: Another chapter?! As Harry once said, therapist call that Improvement.
But anyways, how are you guys? I miss you!
I hope you're still enjoying the story:)
We only have a bit of time left before the end, that being said, does anyone have any predictions for what will happen when the story ends?
I'm very curious...
I guess we'll have to wait and see,
New Chapter coming soon
Stay Golden my Sunflowers
<3