"Even before the withdrawal sets in you'll do anything to get that feeling back, because as long as it lasts, nothings wrong. It doesn't matter if you forget something, or lose something. Or if you fail someone. Nothings wrong and everything feels good, and you never want it to end."
****
The rest of our night went better than I had expected.
Harry and I talked for a few hours before coming home and it was nice spending some time with him out of the house, in a new environment, not worried about all the important things for once.
I think he even made me laugh and smile more than I have all year, more than before this mess even started.
At one point my cheeks even started hurting from smiling so big, but he just teased me about it, and told me how happy he was to see me happy.
I've been around Harry when he's been extra, sweet, and gentle, but today I feel like I met a whole new person.
Maybe the person Caleb and Ashton have been waiting so long to speak to again.
If that is the case I can understand why they want him back so badly. Because here he is lying next to me in bed and all I want to do is wake him up so we can smile and laugh some more.
I'm almost scared that by the time the sun rises again he won't be next to me when I wake up. Physically I know he will be but mentally I pray he's still with me as the night changes.
I haven't been able to sleep much since I started staying here with him again. I've been so anxious he might get up in the middle of the night, and I get scared the second I close my eyes i'll have a nightmare again so I just stay up.
I much rather be sleep deprived than wake up afraid of Harry and Ashton again.
I hate seeing them look at me the way they do, blaming me for such a terrible thing, and seeing my father standing there wearing the exact thing he wore the last time I had seen him.
It all feels so real like i'm dreaming something i've already lived through. It's so clear, all of it, and each time nothing ever changes. The dream stays the exact same.
It's now around four o'clock in the morning so i'm just laying here, gently touching Harry's hand here and there just so he knows i'm still next to him.
Ashton and I texted back and forth a few times when Harry first fell asleep. I didn't say much just told him he had a good day today and seemed different.
That he seemed much happier.
He's struggling with believing Harry will actually stay sober though, and that's something I can't understand, but can respect and let him feel the way he does without telling him he's wrong.
Ashton's been around a lot longer than I have so if he feels doubtful he has every right to feel doubtful. Especially if Harry's given him a reason to be.
That's not anything I can change, but something Harry needs to change in order to gain Ashton's trust back.
He's very familiar with drug addiction and sobriety due to the fact he lost his mom to a drug overdose. He even told me she said the exact same thing Harry has said several times repeatedly before.
Only the difference is, his mom talked about sobriety just a few days before she collapsed on the floor and never got back up again.
It almost seems to be more stressful when an addict says they want to become sober, because once their sober and relapse their tolerance changes.
If you try to go back and use as much as you did before your sobriety, its so much easier for one to overdose.
So of course Ashton has trust issues, he's heard the same thing his entire life. He hasn't escaped it once even after losing his mom because Harry only went down the same path.
However, I think the one positive thing about all of this is; we're growing together.
We all have different stories and different demons eating us up inside but when we rely on each other and open up with one another we realize why we are the way we are.
Ashton's just tired of fearing for his friends life and I don't blame him one bit. He's been afraid his entire life so i'm sure he's more than tired.
If I lived in fear of losing people I loved every night I would absolutely lose my mind.
You prepare yourself for the worst and when the worse doesn't actually happen you get tired of waiting so you just become frustrated.
The suspension only drags out.
Caleb was cold because he was afraid i'd leave. He didn't want to get attached like he always does, so he tried to sabotage Harry in order to protect himself.
I've done the same thing my entire life when it comes to attention from boys. The second I feel myself falling I run away to avoid the pain of heartbreak.
I could completely understand why he would feel that way, especially coming from a broken home.
He's way too young to self sabotage a chance at happiness.
Then there's Harry who's sadly struggling with demons I can't imagine. A dying woman asked him to keep a dark secret in order to protect a young girl he didn't know. So it's almost hard to feel angry at him for watching me for so long. He felt like he had no choice, whether I agree with what he did or not, he didn't.
He was just a scared little boy looking for his mom.
He should have never found mine that night. She should've never put such a big responsibility on him knowing how young he was.
I understand she was afraid for me but so was he. My dad ruined his life.
That's something I don't know if i'll ever get past. I loved my mother, but she had no right hurting and damaging a little boy in order to keep her little girl safe.
My entire life has been a lie.
Everything i've known and all that i've been told has been so far from the truth, and now i'm forced into a new insane reality, hiding and being protected by people I didn't know just a few months ago.
We're all very strong broken people who are trying to be not as broken any longer.
As I finally start to close my eyes and feel myself get tired the bed shuffles.
Harry's arm roughly wraps around my waist, pulling me closer to his chest, and I feel his body start to shake.
"Harry?" I ask quietly in a whisper, trying not to startle him in case he was having a nightmare.
He just stays silent and squeezes me even tighter, making it uncomfortable, and harder for me to breathe properly.
"Harry?" I struggle out as I repeat myself again, tapping on the side of his arm so he knows to releases some of the pressure he's applying down on my abdomen.
He then jerks up in bed, and leans forwards, running his fingers through his hair aggressively. I hear the sound of him panting and watch his back lift then fall back down as he breathes anxiously, like he was suffocating while he was asleep.
I stay quiet for a moment, hoping maybe he might just lay back down and fall back asleep, but instead he just continues staring at the wall in front of the bed.
This has happened before and it's terrifying. After the first time I did some research and restlessness, anxiousness, and nightmares are all a huge part of drug withdrawals.
Harry's held it together so well in the daytime, he probably forces it down and ignores the itch, but the second he's asleep and out of control of his body he completely loses it.
It's not his fault though and it happens to a lot of addicts but knowing he's struggling and there's not much I can do, it kills me.
"I can't do this" he whispers under his breath.
My heart completely shatters as I hear his voice break when the words fall from his lips so effortlessly.
"Harry, i'm here" I mumble assuring him, while I push down the lump in my throat, and blink away the tears that slowly fills my eyes.
Harry's not strong right now so I need to be strong for the both of us, and if he sees me upset he'll only get upset with himself.
"Ariana?" Harry whispers as he slowly looks back at me over his shoulder.
His eyes are bright red and tears are streaming down his face silently, while his curls fall in front of him, gluing to his forehead while his body stays covered in sweat.
I slightly shake my head to wipe away the wired like feeling around me throat that's only tightening the longer he stares at me "i'm here, just come lay down, okay?" my voice breaks as my emotions overwhelm me.
He was so happy earlier and so full of life but now he's forced to deal with his demons all on his own. I wish I knew what I could do but I feel completely scared and just as confused as he does.
Harry looks back at the wall, but then slowly nods his head, letting out a quit 'okay'. I watch him as his head hits the pillow, facing my direction, we both lay on our sides and stare at each other.
"Can you tell me what I can do?" I whisper, placing the pad of my thumb under his eyes, I wipe away the puddle of his tears, and then tangle my fingers in his hair.
He closes his eyes as my fingers gently touch his skin, he puckers his lip together, and breathes out heavily through a cry while my hand tangles through his hair "can you j-just hold me" he stutters as his body trembles.
When I blink my eyes a tear falls down my cheek. Harry's eyes widen but then close when he sees me get emotional as well.
"I'm so sorry" he chokes up, wiping away the tear on my cheek just like I had with him "you shouldn't have to see me like this. You shouldn't have to put up with any of this at all. I'm hurting you Ariana. Do you not remember what i've done?" he rants on but soon starts to sound angrier than he does sad.
The sounds of his loud raspy broken voice yelling back at me in fear and sadness fills my heart with sorrow.
He shouldn't be worried about me right now when he's completely crumbing in front of my eyes.
I ignore his comments as I hope he may just let go of the conversation. I know what he's said and what's he's done, but realistically even if I didn't want to stay, where else would I go? He would still look after me and i'd still be running away from my father.
That's not the case though, I want to be here with him. I want to help him and I want to care for him, just like he did with me.
I'm not defending what he did but he was just a little kid that night with my mother. Holding her and singing her to sleep once last time.
No child should ever have to go through something like that, and then for my mother to tell him to look after me.
Of course he did what he did, he was doing it since he was little, he didn't know any better. If a dying woman tells you to do something that young, why wouldn't you? He thought he was a hero.
And he is.
He promised my mom he would look after me and i'm sure he had already felt guilty for what his mother was doing to my family, with my father.
The more I think about what my families done to him the more angry I get.
While I watch Harry close his eyes and continue trembling I climb over top of him and lay down on the opposite side of the bed.
I place my head next to his and quietly shush him in his ear as I wrap my arms around his waist and tangle my legs with his.
"I got you, i'm right here, I promise" I reassure him, feeling his warm body shake in my arms profusely, while I comb my fingers through his hair.
"Don't me let go" he begs out in a muffled cry, inhaling deeply as he starts to hyperventilate next to me. "I'm trying- please don't give up on me, i'm trying so hard" his voice cracks as he sobs.
"I'm not letting go, and i'm never giving up on you Harry. Just close your eyes, okay? You're safe, i'm right here and I promise I won't let go" I say calmly, trying to keep my voice still and less shaky as the tears stream down and the emotions fill my lungs.
If he knows how upset I am he'll get frustrated or angry at himself and that can't happen right now. He needs to get through this before he gets worried about me or anyone else.
My feelings can wait but his on the other hand can't. Right now he's forced to feel, and his body is reacting without the drugs.
He just needs to get use to the feeling of not being numb. He needs to feel everything he's hidden and pushed down all of these years.
The sound of him inhaling and sucking in sharp breaths make me jump as his shoulder lifts then falls back down next to my head.
"I don't know if I can do this" he whimpers against the sheets, pulling my arms tighter around his waist.
I pull his back closer to my chest and hold him tightly in my arms while I rub my few tears on the back of his shoulder.
"I had a lot of fun with you today" I say quietly while my voice breaks, trying to steer away from the negative thoughts and feelings he's experiencing right now.
"Maybe you would want to do that soon again? Hang out, just me and you?" I whisper, lifting my head up slightly to see if the expression had changed on his face but he just looks numb again, like he completely zoned out of the conversation, and lost all of his focus.
Harry gasps out another shaky breath, while his body jolts, and his skin covers in goosebumps, even though he's sweating from the dream he must have had.
"I want to be better for you" he weeps, sounding so scared, while he holds me so tightly like he's afraid i'll somehow vanish into thin air. "I thought I could do it but- I just" he struggles and stumbles over his words while his voice hitches from the intense weeps and whimpers that come out of him.
"Please just don't leave me" he begs
I force down the lump in my throat and pinch my eyes closed as I feel all the pain that he's going through fill my body.
I just wish I could somehow make him feel safer than he does right now. I may be holding him in my arms but I don't think i'm close enough to making him feel as safe as he should.
He deserves to feel comfortable.
Tapping on Harry's shoulder, I motion for him to turn around, and watch as the bed shuffles when he faces me.
Resting my forehead on his, I wrap my arms around him in a hug, and place my legs on top of his softly.
My hand finds my way back to his hair where I twist and turn few strands around my fingers slowly while he does the same.
While our heads rest against each others, our tears collide and become one, then the large puddle of fearful tears of our sorrow falls down both of our red rosy cheeks.
"I promise I won't leave you" I whisper against his skin, rubbing his back in a circled pattern with the tip of my finger, while I hush the painful cries he lets out in a shaky breath against my skin.
Harry's head falls from mine, and nuzzles against my neck where he finally seems to get somewhat comfortable.
His chest lays on top of mine, so I rub his back with one hand, and stroke his hair with my other to alleviate some of the anxiety he may be experiencing.
I start to notice his breathing matches mine the longer he lays with me, and his weeping cries soon turn into small sniffles instead.
"Are you still awake?" I mumble against his hair when the room fills with silence after a few minutes past by.
Harry's head shakes against my face, making my cheek tickle as he sighs out in a whisper "do you ever go to sleep at night wishing you won't wake up in the morning?"
I feel my heart fall to my stomach as he asks me such a dark question. He doesn't deserve any of this, not one thing he's feeling.
I just wish I could hug him until he feels how much I care. I want him to feel like there's a reason to be here.
He should be the reason he wants to be here.
Thinking about it now his entire life he's put people before him. Both me, someone he didn't know, and Caleb because they've mostly been on their own. He didn't have the structure he needed and his entire life flipped upside down that night.
He didn't ask for any of this and instead of coping with his life and struggles correctly he leaned onto drugs.
I still don't know what it is that made him rely on cocaine five years ago but i've heard enough to understand why he wouldn't want to think clearly.
If I went though the things he's gone through, I don't know if i'd want to feel much either.
"Harry is that how you feel?" I ask in concern, jerking up in bed in somewhat of a panic but try and contain my emotions.
His head falls to my lap, and he just shrugs his shoulders, keeping his head resting against my leg while his arms quickly wrap around my waist.
"Look at me" I demand, looking down at him.
Harry's glossy red eyes stare into mine when he turns his cheek, making my chest tighten, as I see the pain inside of him.
"I just promised I would let go of you so you need to promise you won't ever let go of me" I speak out in a cry, completely losing control of my feelings of emotion and heartbreak.
My vision becomes blurry while looking down at the broken boy on my lap, trying to think of a way to express how much he means to everyone around him.
"I promise I won't let go of you" Harry whispers softly against my warm skin.
I close my eyes as he speaks softly but then feel his hand come up to my cheek. He gently caresses my face with his thumb and rubs the hair behind my head with the rest of his fingers while he lays down on my lap.
"Thank you Ariana" he mumbles.
I furrow my brows while looking down at him with a confused look on my face as I ask him quietly "for what?"
Harry lifts himself up off of my lap. Leaning in for a hug he pulls me close to him, digs his head back into the crook of my neck, and I feel one last tear drop fall to my skin before he speaks.
"Thank you for believing I can be golden again"
***
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Chapter 38 coming soon...