Harry is on my last nerve.
After he dropped the bomb on me in bed, I made him get up and run to the pharmacy so he could get me a plan b pill.
Harry however obviously acted like a child about it and treated it like it was some joke, and now whenever I do anything, he's staring at or trying to touch my belly like it's funny.
For example, earlier when I was laying down on the couch, he came over and sat next to me. I thought maybe he just wanted to cuddle but instead he was lifting my shirt up, rubbing his hands against my stomach, and pressing soft kisses against my skin, whispering as if there was a baby inside.
"I think mommy's angry at daddy" he would mumble, so I did what needed to happen, and slapped him upside his damn head.
Sadly, I barely knocked any sense into him.
I'm not angry at him for doing it, because accidents happen and I didn't necessarily tell him to put a condom on, but if he continues this stupid behavior mommy is going to be a lot more angrier with daddy then she is right now.
I know he's trying to make the situation less serious, but he literally will not leave me alone. I don't know if it's because of what had happened or if he's just a clingy person, but whatever the case is i'm still two seconds away from strangling him.
I even tried going to the bathroom a little bit ago but he followed me and tried talking to me through the door like he couldn't wait for whatever it was he was so impatiently trying to speak to me about.
All I had to do was pee quickly but he clearly couldn't wait because he was sitting on the floor trying to talk to me through the tiny crack under the door about some nonsense.
I couldn't even make out what he was saying so I just kept humming after he had paused or seemed to have finished a sentence.
Then a little bit after that I went outside to get some fresh air, try and get some peace and quiet, but within a few seconds here comes Harry asking me what I want to do for dinner. Which was sweet that he asked but after I told him I didn't care he kept badgering me with dumb questions only boys in middle school would ask while playing a game of twenty one questions.
I seriously doubt he cares about how old I was when I learned how to ride a bike or where I was the night I lost my virginity.
Completely random and irrelevant.
Now i'm back on the couch trying my best to close my eyes and maybe even take a nap, but I can still feel Harry's eyes burning into my skin as he watches me from the open kitchen.
Looking over in the corner of my eye I see him leaned over the kitchen counter. One hand is holding his phone while his other arm props up on the marble countertop holding his head in his hand.
He faces my direction, occasionally looking up at me and away from whatever it is he's scrolling through on his phone.
"Want to go get ice cream or something? It'd be nice to get out of the house maybe" Harry suggests quietly, dropping his phone out of his hand, and smiles as I sit up on the couch and look over at him.
"Ice cream?" I repeat him as I rest my arms on the top of the couch, tilting my head to the side I lay my cheek against my hands, biting down on my lip to hide the smile that appears at his adorable thought.
Harry rolls his eyes and pulls himself up off of the counter. Crossing his arms in front of his chest he takes a deep breath "i'll even be a gentleman and pay" he says kindly as he exhales harshly and relaxes his shoulders.
Maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea. I mean what have Harry and I really done together other than have sex, argue, or talk about how shitty our lives can be at times?
Maybe getting out and actually acting normal for once wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
I've also noticed a change in Harry after spending more time with him. After being clean for a few days he's definitely been nicer and his temper has calmed down drastically.
I'm just hoping it'll last.
The healing process is however hard. You can't just go everyday with something and have it taken away from you and feel completely fine.
It's terrible sitting back and letting it happen but like most say, pain is the first step of recovery.
I can tell when he gets anxious or worked up about all of it because his body will start to shake and it gets harder for him to focus on me or whatever it is he's doing.
Then he gets upset and frustrated with himself because he has no control over the cravings, and when that happens he sometimes gets angry.
He tries to hide the anger because he doesn't want to yell or lash out on me but i'm more understanding now.
I know most of it is out of control and honestly he's doing much better than I had expected seeing as most people get even angrier when they stop doing drugs.
He'll just pace the room, try going for a walk or a drive, but nothing really calms him down much.
A few times he's laid down in bed with me but it's gut wrenching feeling him shake in my arms, begging me to make it to all stop.
If I could, i'd take all his pain way in a second but it's completely out of my control. The most I can do is hug him tighter and tell him he'll be alright.
But I think that's why he's constantly following me around or holding me in his arms whenever he gets the chance.
It's very clear he doesn't want to be alone.
Because of that i'm definitely not going to be hard on him. The last thing I want to do is to push him so hard he falls back into the same place he's struggling to pull himself out of.
He's been doing so well on his own the last thing I want to do is go and mess it all up for him. If he needs me i'm here but other than that it's not my place to get involved.
"Helloooo earth to Ariana" Harry sings out in a tune, waving his hand out towards my face to get my attention "are you seriously rejecting me and my ice cream idea? How rude" his jaw drops sarcastically as he pretends to feel offended.
"Yes, I would like to go get ice cream with you" I speak softly. Lifting my head up off of the couch I smile at him "now go get your keys" I demand jokingly as I pull myself up off of the seat.
Harry and I end up getting in the car and drive down to a tiny little ice cream shop just a few miles away from his home.
The car ride wasn't too bad, just Harry and his classic rock music, singing out the lyrics obnoxiously, yelling out the window trying to serenade the cars and pedestrians as we stop at red lights.
I bursted out in a laughing fit when he screamed the lyrics of Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard to a random car next to us with tinted windows.
Both of our jaws completely dropped when the window rolled down just to see some older lady, probably in her nineties, holding up her middle finger while she slammed on her horn.
He shortly stopped singing to people and rolled his window up after that.
Poor thing.
"Can I have two hot fudge sundaes with caramel drizzled on the top" Harry asks the lady through the machine as he pulls into the line of the ice cream place.
"How'd you kno-" I started to ask, but quickly stop as the words slip out of my lips, because my mind easily put two and two together.
It's almost like I forgot how I met him in the first place, how he knows me and how long he has. I just shake my head and gently pinch my eyes closed as I lout out a quiet "nevermind"
It's hard to remember he's known me a much longer than i've know him.
Harry keeps quiet and shuffles in his seat uncomfortably as pulls forward to the front window, where he hands the kind young girl his card and thanks her as she passes us our ice cream cups back in a container.
Last time Harry and I had ice cream together it didn't quite go the way I was hoping but hopefully this time it'll be different.
Seeing as the last naked girl in his bed was me, I have a feeling that won't be an issue.
Harry hands me the small cardboard cup holder, thanking the girl one last time, and drives back off on the road.
My eyebrows crease as I turn to him when I realised he turned the wrong way, going the complete opposite direction that we originally came from "where are you going? You missed your turn" I question him, turning down the music that plays from his stereo.
"I promise it's nothing bad" he laughs to himself, glancing over quickly to me with a lopsided smirk on his face "you said you trust me, right?" he asks lowly.
I keep my eyes on his sharp jaw and smile as I watch his dimple appear across his cheek.
Between both the cold ice cream sitting on my lap, and the nerves from not knowing where we are going I can't help but only let out a quiet "yes"
"Then relax, I promise it's nothing" he assures me, letting one of his hands off the wheel, placing it on my leg, gently gripping onto my inner thigh, he keeps his eyes on the road in front of him.
My stomach twists and turns as his dull nails dig into my skin, squeezing tightly around my leg but then releases after just a few seconds. He keeps continuing on in a patterned routine as he drives, knowing exactly what he's doing to me.
I rest my head against the back of the head rest and stare out of the window, staring at all the people walking down the familiar streets, laughing and smiling with their families.
It's hard to not be bitter sometimes. Especially when you see things your jealous of. Things you wish you had, so when you see people happy and enjoying those things you want, you feel a sense of jealousy.
Even if you don't want to feel that way you end up feeling guilty for it anyways because the jealousy is always in the back of your mind whether you want to admit it or not.
My bitterness is unfortunately towards people who can't control what it is i'm jealous of.
Young girls and boys who just grow up with moms and dads, the basic white picket fence kind of home life.
Some people may think it's boring or stupid but when you grow up in a broken home that's all you find yourself wishing for.
Birthday candle wishes, the top of your christmas list, an eleven eleven wish, and sometimes even an eyelash wish.
As stupid as it sounds that's just the way life's always been, but now that i'm older and less naive as I was before I know all those times were a complete waste of wishing and hoping, because now nothing seems to be the way I thought it was.
Life only gets more complicated as you grow.
"Almost there" Harry says excitedly, he glances over at me and smiles, gently rubbing the pad of his fingers against my skin.
When I notice the excitement in his voice and the smile on his face he turns away from me. Pulling his arm away from my thigh he curves his index finger and gently taps and rubs his knuckle under his nose until his smile fades again.
I've noticed he does it a lot, almost like he's embarrassed of it, or just doesn't want to smile in front of me. I think it's cute but I also really enjoy seeing him smiling.
After another short few minutes Harry pulls into a parking lot next to an old park i'm somewhat familiar with.
When he puts the car in park and pulls his keys out of the ignition, he leans back in his seat.
Resting his head against the headrest, he turns towards me with a shy grin on his face "I thought maybe we could talk and eat on the swings or something" he says nervously, shrugging his shoulders as he spins his large rings around on his fingers.
I can't help but smile like an idiot, as I aww in my head, while I watch this confident boy in front of me become all shy with something so sweet.
Nobody's ever thought about doing something like this with me before, even if it's something as little as eating ice cream on an old park swing.
"I'd like that" I say as I smile softly, watching his eyes glisten from the sun setting in front of us.
As the words slip from my lips Harry nods and pulls himself out of the car quickly. I watch him run around the front of the vehicle, so he then opens the door for me and grabs the cardboard holder from my hands.
We walk over silently staring at the clouded sky, as we approach the old swing set, and throw back a few comments about how peaceful it can be as the sun goes down.
I've always been a night owl. I have the time alone to think and concentrate without worrying about others needing me or arguing with my father.
By the time he would fall asleep I felt a little less on edge so I guess I always just loved the night time because of it.
When Harry and I finally get to the swing set we sit down onto the two creeky swings next to each other and start eating our snack as we rock back and forth.
"You sure you don't want mine? You could be eating for two you know?" Harry asks annoyingly, holding his hand out that's gripping onto his ice cream cup.
He's really testing my patience today.
"Shut up!" I yell back jokingly, and lean over on my swing. Pushing off on my two feet, I smack the side of his arm "seriously, that's not funny!" I roll my eyes and try my hardest to hide my smile as he laughs at my reaction.
His laugh is just so contagious I cant help but smile.
I shake my head and turn back to my cup but still feel his eyes on mine.
When I look over at him he's pressing the side of his head against the medal ropes staring at me with a smile, kicking the tiny pieces of mulch under his foot.
"What?" I ask shaking my head, nervous to continue eating while he stares at me so intensely.
It's hard enough being around him already, it doesn't really help when he looks at me the way he does. It's terrifying in a thrilling way.
"Nothing I just like hanging out with you" he admits softly, grinning broadly without trying to hide it from me this time.
I don't know what it is exactly that's making him act this way but I love being around him like this. It feels normal and makes me feel happy again, like we could start all over completely and act like the past had never happened.
When I say the past I mean the little things that could be easily forgotten when replaced with better things.
Such as arguments and the way he would look at me when he got angry. Whereas right now, each time he looks at me he stares at me like i'm the only thing he sees.
"Stop kissing my ass" I snarl back sarcastically as I swing forward gently on my feet, trying to lighten the conversation before I get myself in too deep with his flirtatious words that easily slip from his mouth.
Harry laughs and shakes his head as he snarls back at me "would you stop being a pain in mine"
"Why are you so damn difficult Harry Styles" I drag out in a whine.
He looks over at me and grabs onto the swing to stop myself from moving "why are you so damn beautiful Ariana Dyer"
I swallow down harshly as his words make my stomach flutter, regardless of how cheesy what he said may have been.
Rolling my eyes I just shake my head and smile looking down at my feet, keeping silent as the tension between the two of us overwhelms me.
"When will you admit to yourself that you like me?" he asks bluntly, making my heart race just a tiny bit faster than it had already been.
In my defence, it feels wrong to feel the way that I do, and how would he know if I had admitted it to myself or not?
Besides that, the second I do admit how I feel Ashton is going to kill me and I don't know if that's worth it.
"Well, I guess i'll admit it when I do" I smile to myself, making Harry laugh in a huff.
I can't help but make jokes and throw around sarcasm in serious situations. I get all weird and awkward if I don't, which is ten times more embarrassing than a bad joke.
"You know what?" Harry says while he stands from the swing, and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
"hmm?" I hum and look up at him as he stands tall in front of me.
"You're going to love me one day, and when that day comes you're gonna look back at this conversation we're having right here right now at" he pauses and pulls his phone out of his back pocket "at eight fourteen p.m on November second and you're going to laugh or roll those beautiful eyes of yours when you finally admit that I was right. I'm telling you, you're gonna love me Ariana" he rants on.
"You think so?" I ask him softly as a million thoughts race through my mind at once.
"I don't know if I necessarily think so but every part of me hopes so"
***
Nobody:
Harry:
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Love you the most, A
Chapter 37 coming soon...