I've been on edge ever since I woke up on Christy's uncomfortable pull-out couch, this morning. I don't know how Jack and Megan survived sleeping on that God forsaken thing when I still lived there. Either way, I didn't sleep much last night given the fact about what happened last night at The Four Roses. I don't know what I done to Billy, but frankly I don't think it was anything I had done, he's just an asshole when he drinks heavy.
Christy and Megan were both planning on waking up early this morning and coming with me to the clinic, but because I tossed and turned all night last night, I just slipped out of their apartment before any of them woke up this morning and went myself. So, here I am... sitting on this awkward hospital bed/bench thing in a hospital gown, chewing my nails impatiently waiting for the doctor to return to the room.
"Well, Amber! Are you ready?" The doctor asked as he walked into the room, awakening me from my thoughts.
I nodded, unsure of what it was that we were going to be doing especially since I'm not all thaaaat far along. It's only been two weeks since I found out and four and a half weeks since Billy and I last had sex. The fact the doctor had me strip down into my bra and underwear and put on this ridiculous gown tells me that he's going to do an early ultrasound to detect how far along I am exactly. Obviously I won't be seeing baby or anything, it's more so just to give me an idea on when I'm due. I only know this because my oldest sister - back when I was still welcome in my family - dragged me along to all her appointments when she got pregnant.
I exhaled a rugged breath as I laid down and stared up at the white ceiling tiles. The doctor opened my gown and applied a cold, blue gel on my stomach and began. I shivered as I shifted my eyes from the ceiling to the doctor, his facial expression was stiff while he concentrated on the screen. Worry took over me as the doctor remained silent.
"Is... everything okay?" I asked, my voice cracking with fear.
"Yes, I'm not going to show you the screen because baby is literally the size of a peppercorn. You're five weeks roughly, as for your due date... you're sure you don't remember your last period?" The doctor asked, frowning at me.
I shook my head, "No... But if I'm already a month pregnant... wouldn't my due date be somewhere in late April... May?"
"Exactly."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"Well... alright then...." I trailed off awkwardly as the doctor wiped the blue gel off of my bare stomach.
"I'll let you get dressed and then we'll have a chat, alright Amber?" The doctor said with a warm smile. "Congratulations, by the way."
I chewed on the inside of my cheek absent mindedly as I nodded slowly, "Thanks..."
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While I was at the doctors office, Billy was speeding away from his father's chop shop, extremely aggravated. It was bad enough that yesterday after leaving our apartment and heading straight to see Bones, Billy found out his mother had overdosed and died early yesterday morning. The man she had run off with years ago contacted Bones to let him know and in hopes of finding her two sons in time for the funeral. Billy being Billy, acted like it didn't bother him in front of Bones. But given the fact that it was his birthday and that he hasn't seen or heard from his mother in years, of course it bothered him.
Bones was even more of a dick this morning, more than he usually is all because of what happened last night at the Four Roses. He warned Billy to keep me in line if Billy doesn't want anything to happen to me. Given that I'm the only girl Billy has ever loved, hearing the man he hates most threaten my life made Billy's blood boil worse than it ever has when it comes to Bones.
"Fuck." Billy grumbled as he pressed his foot harder down on the gas peddle, sending the orange and yellow leaves that have fallen from the trees, flying around as he drove towards the cement stairs of the abandoned mental hospital - "The office" - and came to a sudden stop.
Billy's jaw tightened as he climbed out of the car, slamming the door shut and gripping tightly onto the now empty green backpack of his. He sighed through his nose as he made his way into the abandoned mental hospital and down to the basement where his boys cook their drugs.
Billy noticed that there wasn't any rock or metal music playing like their usually was whenever his boys were down here cooking. It was almost like nobody was here even though all of their cars were outside. As Billy made his way through the room where all the glass laboratory flasks and other supplies that they used to make drugs, on metal tables. To Billy's surprise, his boys were actually there afterall, just sitting around in silence. Not cooking drugs, not doing anything, just sitting there looking down and out.
Billy stopped and stared at everyone, "What?"
Spink turned and looked at Billy with an emotionless expression across his face. Heco was sitting on a chair, staring down at his feet as he fiddled with a unlit cigarette in his hands. Jamie was sitting backwards on another chair, caressing his chin and slowly shaking his head. Dog was standing at one of the tables pretending to look like he was actually mixing up drugs like he was suppose to be doing. Baggy was on the other side of the room, leaning against a table and staring down at the ground with a sad look on his face. Spink sat backwards on a chair, staring at Jamie awkwardly while Bodie was nowhere in sight.
"What?" Billy repeated, raising his voice slightly.
When nobody answered him, an annoyed sneer formed across Billy's face as his eyes scanned around the room, looking at all of his boys as he held out his arms, "Somebody fucking tell me what the fuck is going on" Billy demanded.
Before anyone could say anything, Bodie walked out from one of the rooms nearby and stood a few feet away from Billy. Billy blinked as he turned his head and looked over at Bodie who's been Billy's best friend since they were kids. He'd be the one to tell Billy what was going on. However, a worried and saddened look was on Bodie's face as if he had just seen a ghost or something. Bodie glanced at everyone before looking back at Billy, his eyes widened in expectance.
"You hear?" Bodie asked impatiently, his voice trembling.
Billy didn't answer him, instead he just stared at Bodie waiting for him to tell him whatever it was that was going on that everyone looks so depressed. A million possibilities were running through Billy's mind now at this point.
Bodie sighed when Billy didn't answer his question, "Joe dude..."
"Somebody stuck him..." Bodie blinked, shrugging slightly and shaking his head nervously, "-He's dead."
Billy's face dropped and his eyes narrowed, "What?"
Billy's words came out in an angry, rugged harsh whisper. Billy swallowed hard, his nostrils flared, his jaw muscles tightening, "You're lying."
Bodie shook his head and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat before speaking, "He's gone..."
There was a long silent pause between everyone as they awaited for Billy's reaction, all expecting him to freak out and start yelling. But for a moment, Billy's eyes just widened and glistened as he stared wide eyed at Bodie. He then did the most unexpected, he remained silent and just turned around and stormed towards the door, ripping the backpack off of his shoulder and throwing it against a steel shelf that held flasks as he continued to storm out of the building.
His baby brother was gone, and something had just snapped deep inside of Billy.
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After I got done at the clinic, I made my way to work just to be bitched at by Christy and Megan for not waking them up this morning as they both really wanted to come to the doctor's with me. Other then that, everything seemed like a normal work night. For the first time in days, I wasn't stressed... at least not until Jack showed up. Christy and I were working with Amanda and Ramona tonight as Sammy was out of town for the week. Megan sat at the bar eating nachos and drinking beer, visiting me to help make my shift go by faster.
Jack looked sick, the rest of Billy's boys piled into the bar all looking just as sick as Jack looked. Billy was no where in sight but I assumed he was around somewhere close as it was rare that all of Billy's boys would be here without him. It didn't occur to me what was going on until Jack grabbed hold of Megan by the arm and mouthed something to her, making Megan's expression drop.
Everything seemed like it was in slow motion as Megan slowly stood up from her stool and stared at me and gulped, reaching out for Christy who had just walked out from behind the bar with a tray full of shots. I tilted my head to the side slightly as I watched Megan block Christy from taking anymore steps and proceed to tell her something.
My heart sunk as I watched Christy drop the tray full of shots... glass and amber coloured liqour flying everything as the tray hit the floor. Christy fell into Megan's arms and Jack instantly ran over to her and helped Megan hold a hysterical, bawling Christy. Christy flailed around in Jack's arms as she collapsed to her knees.
"NOT MY JOE!" She screamed in horror. "JOE!" She continued to bawl.
My stomach flopped and I made my way over to Christy, falling to my knees and wrapping my arms around her - still not processing what was actually happening. Jack, Megan and I all fought to get Christy to stand up and come back behind the bar where she just ended up collapsing to the floor again, this time bringing me down with her. I rocked Christy back and forth in my arms and Ramona turned the "closed" sign on the bar while Amanda delivered shots over to Billy's boys like nothing was happening.
"Get me my phone!" I commanded to Megan.
"No. Don't call him..." Bodie exclaimed from the table. "He'll be here soon enough."
I can't even properly describe the feeling I have inside right now. The room is still spinning and Christy is still in my arms, sobbing into my shoulder. Ramona and Amanda are dealing with the few regulars who are still sitting at the bar. Jack and Megan and crouched down beside us and Bodie and the boys are sitting at their regular table, glasses raised ready for a toast. An eerie familiar song began to play throughout the bar, making everything ten times more intense than it already was. "Young Men Dead" by The Black Angels.
"He didn't deserve that... No way he deserved that. He was a true fuckin' soldier." Bodie started to toast as he raised his glass up followed by the rest of the guys holding their beer mugs up and pressing them together in a toast.
"To Joe!" Bodie raised his voice, "He was a good fucking boy! ...A good FUCKING BOY!"
That was all Bodie was able to say before the beer mug was ripped right out of out of Bodie's hand. Bodie stared up at Billy who had just yanked the mug out of Bodies hand followed by slamming it down on the table making beer fly up out of the mug, all over the table and over Billy's hands. The others went wide eyed and even gasped a little as they stared up at Billy.
"So that's what we're going to do?" Billy asked everyone as he wiped his hands on his jeans before picking up another mug full of beer from the table and pouring it out onto the floor. "Why don't you show a little fuckin' respect at least?"
Christy stopped crying and we both slowly stood up to see what the commotion was about. I caught my breathe in my throat as I stared at their table, looking at everyone's scared and nervous facial expressions. Billy was wearing a black long sleeved shirt, the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, his cross necklace dangling from around his neck.
"See, THAT is why you guys are nothing" Billy started, slamming the empty mug back down on the table. "THAT is why you guys are a bunch of fuckin' punks because you'd rather drink up and toke yourselves fucking witless. Witless and scared shitless!" Billy shouted.
Billy wiped his mouth before shaking his head, "Ah... my bad. Here cheers..." Billy chuckled, picking up a shot glass of whiskey and raising it up.
Everybody looked up at Billy strangely, Bodie even cocked his eyebrow at Billy while Heco scrunched his brow. They were all confused but didn't dare to say anything. I've never seen Billy act like this, go from screaming to laughing. There was a wild, crazy look in his eyes that scared me beyond words. I don't think he even noticed me standing at the bar, and if he did, I don't think he cared.
"GET YOUR FUCKING GLASSES UP! ALL OF YOU!" Billy screamed at the top of his lungs, making everyone jump in their skin.
His boys instantly picked up their glasses and toasted again but instead of Billy clanging his shot glass with them, he gritted his teeth and threw the shot glass across the room, hitting the wall and smashing to the floor sending glass shards everywhere. Everybody quickly threw back their drinks as Billy turned around and placed his hands on his hips and slowly walked a few steps away from the table. Billy tried to gather his thoughts as he ran a hand over his shaved head.
I let out a whimper, wanting to run to him and comfort him but I was held back by fear. Billy glanced over at me for a split second, his jaw tightening as we made eye contact. He didn't look away from me until Bodie began to speak.
"Joe just wasn't made for this shit...that's all." Bodie tried to comfort Billy. "He wasn't like us."
"No!" Billy shouted, spinning around. "He wasn't like you, you mean! He was not like you! He was better than you!" Billy screamed pointing at Bodie.
Bodie scoffed and stared at Billy with wide eyes, taken back by what Billy had just said to him. Billy's chest heaved in and out as he stared down at Bodie.
"We as good as brothers since we was kids and you fucking go this way?!" Bodie shouted back. "What? I'm not as good as you now?! Joe was like blood to me dog... as good as fuckin' blood. Same with you!" He added.
Billy nodded slowly, agreeing with what Bodie had just said. Spink scooted over in the booth, making room for Billy to sit down.
"Well..." Billy started as he sat down beside Spink and put his hands together on top of the table, "I would like to catch the mother fucker who did this."
"Oh we will!" Tommy exclaimed with confidence.
"Ain't no mother fuckin' doubt!" Bodie added.
"Do the right fuckin' thing by Joe, yeah?" Spink chimed in.
Billy placed a cigarette in between his lips and picked up a burning candle from the table and lit the cigarette with it, So who fuckin' did it?!" Billy barked a question, exhaling smoke as he ripped the cigarette out from between his lips.
"It wasn't the cardymac's man... I would know about it." Heco piped up in a slur, clearly higher than a fucking kite.
"Unless you were high." Billy retorted, shaking his head at Heco in disbelief.
"High?... I'm not high..." Heco lied in a mumble. Jamie held his arm out at Heco and slapped his arm, pretending to inject heroin like Heco does.
"It wasn't 3rd street, Billy. It wasn't the hall. It wasn't any of those assholes." Spink told Billy as Billy took another drag off of his cigarette.
"Yo... my sister... said she saw a fucker in a suit down there with two tattooed goons, just chillin'." Baggy told the crowd, finally speaking.
Billy's face dropped as he slowly turned and looked over at Baggy before looking over at Amanda who was walking around the other side of the bar. Billy nodded his head slowly as he stood up from his seat.
"How many fuckers in a suit do you see at Stokley fucking home?" Billy asked as he took long strides over to the bar where a stack of news papers were placed, still not even so much as looking at me. Billy picked up the paper and read the front page as he turned and started to casually make his way back to the table.
"See, here's a comical thing-" Billy started in a muffled tone caused from the cigarette between his lips. He pulled the cigarette out from his mouth and continued, "When one of us gets killed, we don't make the papers. But the baby brother of a Boston club owner," Billy sat down and placed the cigarette back between his lips, "Woo-wee."
Billy held up the paper, showing everyone the photo of the kid Joe had killed from B-street, along with a family photo of the kid with all his brothers - including the man who stabbed Joe. Billy inhaled another drag off his cigarette before extending his arm out across the table and handing the paper to Baggy, "Go talk to your sister." Billy instructed.
Baggy instantly shot up from his seat and walked over to the bar where his sister was standing. I watched as Billy continued to puff back on his smoke as he watched Baggy pull his sister to the side and show her the front page of the newspaper, pointing at the men in the photos. She looked at the photo for a brief second before nodding her head rapidly. Billy fought to keep his cigarette dangling between his lips as his lip quivered from his blood beginning to boil. Baggy leaned his head back and his expression fell as he looked back over at Billy.
A murderous, wild look formed on Billy's face. I knew good and well that the Billy I had fallen in love with was nowhere to be found as I was staring at a dead man walking. I can't risk it... I have to tell him, and I have to tell him now.