Logicality (Human AU)
Based on "If I Could Tell Her" from Dear Evan Hansen.
TW: Some self-deprecation
Patton's POV
"Patt?"
"Patton?"
"Paaattttooon."
I blinked, shaking my head and looking over at Virgil. "Hm?"
"You're staring at him again," Virgil said, smirking slightly.
"Whaaattt? Me? Nah . . ." As I said this, my eyes drifted over to the opposite side of the cafeteria once more, watching my crush and friend for years, Logan, laughing slightly at something. I sighed, resting my hand on my cheek, leaning forward on my elbows.
"Patton, you've had a crush on him for almost two years now. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"
"I can't do that, Virge," I said, sighing again. "What if he doesn't like me back? Or he thinks I'm annoying or horrible? What if—"
"First of all, you aren't annoying. You're . . . amazing, Patton, and he'd be lucky to have you."
I turned to Virgil, looking at him in surprise. "I'm not," I said. "Not at all. You are though."
"Uh, nope."
"Virgil, you're amazing. I'm just a shy little coward."
Virgil opened his mouth, then closed it, saying nothing.
I bit my lip, then looked down at my notebook, thinking back to what he had said earlier. Why didn't I just tell Logan how I felt, just get it over with? I'm being such a weak coward . . . But what else is new?
I sat there for a moment, then I suddenly had an idea. I opened my notebook up to a clean page, picked up my pen, and started writing.
*The next day*
"Just give it to him, Patton!" Virgil whispered in my ear.
I chewed my lip, clutching a folded piece of paper in my hand, my heart pounding.
We were standing outside of the school, peering around the corner of the brick building. It was lunch time, and the sun was shining bright, giving everything a cheery atmosphere despite how anxious I was feeling.
In my hand was not just a normal slip of notebook paper. This paper is a note that contains nearly all my feelings and thoughts on Logan, ending with telling him that I have a crush on him. Everything I felt for him was poured out of me to fill that page.
"Patton, lunch is about to end. It's now or never," Virgil whispered.
If I wasn't so preoccupied with everything, I would have joked how we were acting like each other, Virgil urging me to do something, while I'm as anxious as he usually is.
But right now, my heart continued to pound, my palms sweating a bit. I felt Virgil give me a gentle push, and that's all it took to get my feet to slowly move towards Logan, who was sitting under a large oak tree. When I was about a foot away from him, he looked up.
"Hello," he greeted, looking up from his book. He pushed his glasses up higher in his nose, and I felt a flutter in my stomach.
"H-hi, L-Logan," I said, stuttering nervously.
Logan frowned slightly in confusion. "What's wrong, Patton?"
I gulped, feeling my ears and face burn red with embarrassment. I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a little squeak. I simply dropped the paper in front of him, and ran away, back around the corner where Virgil and I had stood minutes ago.
My heart kept pounding, my face flushed. I unwrapped my cat hoodie from around my shoulders, quickly putting it on and pulling the cat hood over my head and face. I sunk down to the ground, sitting there with my knees pulled closely to my chest. Virgil was trying to talk to me, but I could barely make out what he was saying, his voice sounding like he was underwater.
"Idiot, idiot, idiot . . . You are such a coward. A weak, pathetic idiot," I muttered to myself. "I'm such a coward . . ."
Logan's POV
"What's wrong, Patton?"
He stood a mere foot or so away from me, his face bright red as he fidgeted and stuttered nervously.
Suddenly, Patton let out a squeak that, if I weren't so concerned for him, I would have called cute. He dropped a piece of folded-up paper in front of me, then took off running behind the corner of the school.
I looked at the paper, then stood, picking it up and unfolding it. The note read:
Dear Logan,
How do I start this note? How do I write all the things I've wanted to tell you, but have been too terrified to say? I guess I'll start here . . .
There's nothing like your smile. It's sort of subtle, and perfect, and real. And you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.
I can't help but notice how excited you get when you receive a quiz in class, wanting to test your seemingly infinite knowledge.
I've always wanted to say things like this, but I've kept it all inside my head. What I saw I left unsaid. And though I wanted to, I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't seem to find a way, just to say . . .
I love how intelligent you are, Logan. I love your slight laughs and small smiles. I love how you get so interested in a book or topic, and I love how you love to learn. I love so many things about you, and I have felt this way for nearly two years.
Wow, I've managed to pour all that out. But there's one more thing, something I wish I was brave enough to tell you in person . . .
I love you.
~Patton.
With every word I read, I could feel my face heat up, my pulse increasing drastically. I felt a unique feeling in my stomach, and I realized this must be the metaphorical butterflies people have said to experience.
My eyes wandered over to the corner Patton had ran around, and I found my feet walking towards this area, my hand holding the note.
I heard voices, and turned the corner.
"Patton? Patton, it's okay . . ." Virgil said, kneeling on his knees beside a curled-up figure, a hoodie resembling that of a cat pulled tightly around it.
Virgil heard me, and he turned. "Logan," he said quickly, surprised. "I . . . I don't know how to help him. I'm not good with these things."
I nodded. "I understand. Can you please get Patton a bottle of water? He might need it in a few minutes once he's calmed."
Virgil nodded, going inside to do so.
I looked down at Patton, then slowly sat down beside him. I gently tapped his shoulder. "Patton?"
"Patton . . ."
Patton's POV
"Patton . . ."
That voice.
I know that voice.
I focused on the sound, letting it pull me out of the abyss of my dark thoughts.
"Patton, it's alright . . ." His voice sounded a bit stiff, awkward in a way. I slowly lifted my head to find Logan looking at me, concern showing in his eyes. I felt that familiar flutter in my stomach.
"Hi, Logan," I said, managing to say it without stuttering this time.
"I received your note . . ." he said softly.
I chewed on my lip, gulping. "Yeah . . ."
"You figuratively poured your heart into that note," Logan commented.
I hesitantly pulled my hood down, then finally made eye contact with Logan.
"I m-meant every word in there. Every s-single one."
Logan's mouth opened slightly, his expression unreadable. His mouth closed, the reopened. "Oh really?" he said, voice sounding a bit off, though I couldn't tell what changed it.
"It's okay if you don't feel the same way. I mean, why would you even have feelings for someone like me—"
Logan suddenly took my hand in his own. His face was red, and he looked as surprised as I was at what he just done.
"Patton, I have never been one for feelings, mostly because I couldn't understand them like I could other subjects. But I realize now that just because I can't fully comprehend them doesn't mean I don't know when I'm experiencing them." He took a deep breath. "Patton, I return your feelings."
I quietly gasped, gaze shifting back and forth from our clasped hands to Logan's beautiful brown eyes. "Y-you do?"
"Yes," he said, his voice quiet, almost like a whisper.
My mind processed all of this, and a wide smile spread across my face.
Logan smiled slightly, cheeks dusted pink. I pulled him into a hug, and he hesitantly returned it.
I nuzzled my face into his shoulder, sighing happily. "I always dreamed you would say that. I never thought it would come true."
"You are very brave, Patton. For admitting your feelings to me despite how scared you were," Logan remarked. "And . . . I think you're amazing for doing that."
I lifted my head and pulled back enough to look at him. We smiled slightly at each other, and I put a gentle hand on his cheek, causing his face to get even redder.
Before, I would have denied what he said. I would have called myself weak, or a coward. But now, I said, "Thank you, Logan."
To someone else, this moment may seem like a small thing. But, like Logan, it means the world to me.
*
Ahhh, I'm actually feeling really proud of this! It took a while to write, but I like it. I've been wanting to do something like this for a while.
And I apologize for lack of updates. I've been feeling pretty low, but I'm feeling a bit better, if anyone cares to know.
Enjoy, ~Kirs.