Bryce got to his locker that morning, heart stopping for a moment when he saw the homemade signs with glitter taped up with balloons. A second later he realized they were taped to Nick's locker and his breakfast threatened to come back up. Homecoming was two weeks away and, of course, someone wanted to take Nick. Bryce was still standing there staring at the sign and trying to figure out how Preston had gotten into their school to decorate Nick's locker before anyone else got there when Clay walked up.
"So amateur. Everyone knows the surprise is the best part," Clay clucked his tongue. "Speaking of which, how do I look?"
"Great, except for the part where your face looks the way it does," Bryce knew he was being petty and didn't care. "Good thing Ashley's into community service."
"I know, right? Maybe she'll let me see her-"
"Go away," Bryce interrupted before Clay could rub it in that he was going to have a date to Homecoming and Bryce was going to be sitting at home, by himself. Would anyone even remember Homecoming fell on his birthday this year? Probably not.
"You're right, she'll be here any minute. Gotta run!"
Bryce was tempted to follow Clay so he could take a video for their parents, just so he could pretend he had something better to do than stand there at his own locker with the horrible, public reminder that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life. His feet just wouldn't move. Not even when he saw Nick coming down the hall.
Nick's reaction was so cute that Bryce's heart broke all over again. What wouldn't he give to be the reason Nick looked so excited? Nick looked at him, as if he expected Bryce to say something. Maybe he thought Bryce was in on it? After another few seconds, Nick's smile faded.
"This is kind of humiliating," Nick pulled a balloon down. "So extra."
"Right? Well, um, congrats or whatever," Bryce walked away, deciding that he would go take that video after all.
"Wait, Bryce," Nick protested.
"Sorry, I have to help Clay," Bryce didn't look back.
He got to Ashley's locker with just enough time to get his phone out and ask the kids nearby to keep talking but not to get in the way of the video. The whole thing went perfectly.
When Ashley opened her locker it was crammed full of balloons. She knew right away what to do and started popping them. Glitter and confetti spilled everywhere until she got to the last balloon and found Clay's invitation to go to Homecoming with him. When she turned around, Clay was waiting with a big bouquet of pink carnations. Of course she kissed him and Bryce got Clay's surprised look on the video before he stopped recording. He sent it to his parents and Clay.
Dad: did she say yes??????????
Bryce: obvs
Pops: cutest. thing. ever.
Pops: im adding Dax + B
Dad: add Roe and Jeff too
Bryce turned his phone on do not disturb while his parents added the rest of the family to the text. They all texted for the next few hours, completely oblivious to the fact that he was in class and would be in so much trouble if he looked at his phone every time one of them said something. Naturally no one seemed to remember he was the one who started the whole conversation in the first place.
"Hey, did you see Clay's homecoming proposal went viral?" Isa caught up to Bryce after school that day.
"It wasn't that creative," Bryce rolled his eyes. "That's so typical."
"Right? There have already been way better ones here," Isa shook his head. "I totally get why you keep your IG private now."
"Not a lot of people do," Bryce smiled.
"I think it's really cool of you."
"Thanks."
"What are you doing tomorrow? Want to go to that outreach thing with me?" Isa asked. Bryce didn't go to youth group anymore but he did still volunteer at as many of the community service projects as he could. It was the only part of church that he really enjoyed anymore.
"Yeah, that'd be great," Bryce agreed. "I'll get my dad to drive us if you want."
"Cool. See you tomorrow then," Isa gave Bryce a quick hug before he went to get in his mom's car.
Clay had caught up to them and apparently heard the end of the conversation.
"Hey, is it cool if I come too?" Clay asked.
"You want to sort groceries for cancer patients?" Bryce raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah, Ashley has to work lunch and she has a big paper due next week so I probably won't see her much this weekend," Clay nodded. "Besides, my college application looks pretty weak. I need to add some extracurriculars."
"That's such a crap reason to volunteer," Bryce made a face.
"I disagree. I could pick any extracurricular I wanted but I choose to spend my time serving others."
"Whatever you have to tell yourself."
"I have this theory," Clay went on. "Isa was like really happy you said yes just now."
"I think we're best friends. He's also my only friend now, but you know," Bryce tried to seem casual about it. "Who's counting?"
"No, I mean he was really happy. He hugged you."
"We hug all the time, it's a habit after youth group."
"Wait till we see him tomorrow. He checks you out every time he sees you," Clay was grinning. "I think he likes you."
"Not like that he doesn't. He likes someone else," Bryce had been trying for almost 3 months to get Isa to confess who broke his heart. The boy wouldn't talk but Bryce had narrowed it down to two girls from their youth group. His money was on Janey whose parents moved her whole family to Uganda to do missionary work before the school year started because Isa always insisted it didn't matter anymore.
"Who?" Clay opened the car door.
"He won't say, but I'm pretty sure I know who it is," Bryce got into the backseat.
"He won't say because it's you," Clay insisted.
"Congratulations!" Adam looked so excited for Clay that he hadn't even noticed they were in the middle of a conversation.
Bryce wondered if Clay was somehow right. He'd never heard Isa talk about liking boys, only girls, but that didn't have to mean anything. That would explain why Isa refused to tell him who'd broken his heart, at least a little bit. But they'd been friends for years and Bryce had never gotten that vibe from Isa before.
He wondered about it all night and watched Isa really closely when they got out of the car at the cancer ministry house. Sure enough, Isa ran his eyes up and down Bryce's body when Bryce pretended to be looking at his phone. It sent a strange feeling through him. Clay nudged Bryce, as if to say "I told you so."
For the whole time they were working, Bryce kept a close watch on how Isa looked at him. It didn't seem any different than usual. Isa just seemed relaxed and happy, like he pretty much always did around Bryce. It was a fun day and the time passed by really fast. They finished sorting all the groceries and were waiting outside for Adam to get back when Clay started causing trouble.
"Isa, are you asking anyone to Homecoming?" Clay shot Bryce a look.
"I thought about it, but the only person I would go with isn't going," Isa shrugged. "Besides, you already had the viral proposal video this year, there's no point anymore."
"Well, we can't all be me," Clay laughed. "So you're not going at all?"
"Nope."
"You know Bryce isn't going either."
"Uh, yeah," Isa gave Bryce an awkward look. "I did know that."
"You did? How interesting," Clay nudged Bryce as if to point out that meant they had more proof.
"I'll probably go to the football game though. I like the team this year," Isa changed the subject and Bryce tried to relax again.
No matter how hard he tried, Bryce couldn't shake the idea that Isa might have feelings for him. He kept watching over the next week and a half, sorting every interaction they had into a yes or no. Both sides were equally matched and Bryce was more confused than ever.
The day of Homecoming came around before Bryce was ready and he was surprised to wake up and find out that his parents hadn't done anything special for his birthday. No fancy breakfast, no notes, no presents. Not even something from Starbucks. It was so unlike them that Bryce was sure they had something else planned.
He waited all day. Clay went with Eli to the football game but Bryce stayed home with Adam, who spent most of the day sitting at the piano. It was such a normal Saturday that Bryce felt sure they were up to something. His parents were the type to go overboard with acting like nothing was up so they could surprise him later.
They got Clay ready for the dance and took a million pictures before they even left the house. Bryce was still in his sweatpants but Eli insisted he be in a picture with his brother anyway. It was stupid, but he played along to keep his parents happy. They went to meet the rest of the group Ashley and Clay were going to the dance with and took a million more pictures.
"Bryce, want to pick where we go for dinner?" Adam offered when they got back in the car.
"Yes, I want orange chicken," Bryce didn't have to think. His parents always let them pick where they wanted to eat out for their birthday so he'd already decided.
"Well there's a shock," Eli laughed, not even looking up from his phone.
Dinner was a bit boring and Bryce knew once again that was part of his parents plan. The more boring and normal they acted the more proof he had. It was almost a let down that he wasn't surprised but Bryce didn't want to ruin their surprise by pointing out how bad of a surprise it was.
His parents took him home after dinner and Bryce settled in on the couch, watching everyone's pictures from the dance. He purposely skipped Nick's but wasn't quick enough to keep Abbie's from showing up and then he didn't want to stop looking. She'd posted a million pictures of her hair and makeup but the dress pictures were the part that were the hardest to look at. She was so pretty it just made him want to break things when he saw her with AJ. AJ couldn't even pretend he wasn't staring at her body.
When Bryce couldn't stand it any longer, he posted one of the pictures of him looking sloppy next to Clay to his profile. He knew he would delete it anyway but he felt like it was actually kind of a good picture of him. There was no point in making a clever caption so he just wrote something about how it was his birthday but his brother was the one who looked good.
He got sick of looking at Homecoming videos and pictures so he put his phone down for a few seconds and started petting the dog. Flower sighed, like it was a chore to let Bryce pay attention to him, but didn't make him stop.
He only lasted a few more seconds before he picked up his phone and started looking at stories again. This time Bryce didn't skip Nick's. There were some pictures from the game and video of the Homecoming king and queen being announced. The king was someone from the soccer team so that explained why Nick was so excited to see who won.
After that, there were no pictures of Nick in a suit or with his date. Instead, Nick posted a few videos of his little sister telling some story while Nick laughed and asked her questions. But the last picture was of his sister asleep with her head on his legs and a Disney movie on the TV, with some text saying that was his favorite part of babysitting.
Bryce held the picture down so he could keep looking at it while he thought. Babysitting? If Nick was babysitting his little sister he couldn't be at Homecoming with his boyfriend. So what about the balloons and signs on his locker?
"Ugh. Flower, this is seriously the worst," Bryce told the dog. Flower shot him a judging look. "Whatever, you've never had this problem, you don't know what it's like."
"Bry, did you say something?" Eli was back.
"I was talking to the dog," Bryce admitted.
"Oh, I do that all the time," Eli smiled. "Dad and I have to go pick up Clay in a few minutes, do you want to ride with us?"
"Well..." Bryce pretended to think about it for a second.
"Yeah, you should come," Eli insisted. "We can stop for dessert somewhere."
They picked Clay up and Adam started driving, not even asking Bryce what he wanted to eat so he knew this was the big reveal moment. After waiting all day, Bryce expected to be more excited than he felt but listening to Clay go on and on about the dance and how much fun they had kind of took the fun out of it. Clay had asked Ashley to be his girlfriend and she said yes so that was happening.
Instead of stopping somewhere for dessert, Adam drove them to Jeff and Monroe's house. At least neither one of his parents tried to make up a reason they were at his grandparents house. They all just went to the door, like it was normal for them to show up there at almost 11 at night.
"Happy Birthday!" Monroe shouted as soon as Jeff opened the door. He had a fistfull of balloon ribbons. "I got you 15 balloons but they looked kind of sad alone, so I got you 15 in each color instead."
"Um thanks," Bryce smiled, taking all 30 of the balloons and then getting a big hug from Monroe.
"Happy Birthday, Bryce," Jeff hugged him too. "We got you a cake, of course."
"And presents! Don't forget the presents. Mine's the best, as always," Monroe motioned for Bryce to go into the kitchen.
"Wanna bet?" Clay snorted. Bryce shot his brother a smile. Monroe really did give good presents though, so Bryce was a little excited to see what he'd gotten.
They were allowed to ask for things they wanted for Christmas, but Bryce and Clay had never really been asked what they wanted for their birthdays so it was a surprise every year. Sometimes Bryce could guess what he was getting based on what Clay had gotten but since their birthdays were so far apart it wasn't always that obvious.
Bryce's heart stopped when he walked into the kitchen and it was full of people. Some of the kids from youth group were there, plus Clara and Justin, his Aunt Scarlett and her fiance, Uncle Wes and Luke, and Dax and Hannah. Somehow Ashley was already there and, standing near the front, his friend Isa.
"Surprise!" Monroe shouted.
"This is not actually a surprise party," Clay shook his head, his voice low enough that not everyone could hear. "We decided you would figure that out way too easy."
"Yeah, I kind of knew you were up to something," Bryce admitted. "That doesn't make it bad though."
"Come on, let's do presents first," Clay pulled Bryce toward the presents.
"This is so awkward," Bryce cringed but he sat down at the head of the table like he was supposed to and let Clay hand him presents.
Fortunately almost everyone got him Starbucks gift cards so it didn't take long for Bryce to get through them and made it really funny when Clara and Justin gave him actual shares of stock in Starbucks. Monroe really did seem to have the best present there, the new iPhone, which made Clay jealous even though Bryce's old phone was 3 years older than Clay's. His parents promised to give Bryce his present when they got home, like they always did any time Bryce had a party.
Monroe brought the cake over and Bryce forgot all about Clay's present until everyone was busy eating. When he realized Clay was gone, Bryce looked at his parents to see if they had noticed. Adam was watching something in the front hall so Bryce relaxed for a second. Then the nerves kicked in.
Bryce made himself focus on his cake. It looked really delicious but he was afraid to take a bite and regret it in a few seconds. His stomach felt like it was taking a little rollercoaster ride. He made himself take a deep breath. Everyone was busy eating and talking to each other, except for Isa who was looking at something behind Bryce with a sad expression on his face.
Someone tapped Bryce on the shoulder and he had no idea how he knew, but he was sure that when he turned around he would see Nick. He made himself take another slow breath. Then Bryce turned and sure enough, Nick was there looking almost as nervous as Bryce felt.
"Happy Birthday," Nick almost smiled, but not quite. "Sorry I'm a little late."
"No, you're fine," Bryce got up but he wasn't sure if he was supposed to hug Nick or not. "Um, thanks for being here."
"Yeah, Clay, um, said...well, I mean, I wanted to be here, but he invited me, kind of," Nick looked at Clay.
"This is part one of my present," Clay was giving Nick what Bryce could only describe as a warning look. "Part two can happen later, when there aren't as many people around."
"Okay," Bryce wasn't sure what Clay meant by that but he figured it had something to do with Nick. "Um, do you want some cake?"
"Yeah, thanks," Nick sat down in the seat next to Bryce's.
Bryce couldn't relax after that. He tried to play it cool since it seemed like everyone was looking at them but that feeling made it impossible to calm down. Especially since Nick seemed nervous too.
The other thing that Bryce kept noticing was how sad Isa seemed. He'd been happy when Bryce first walked in, but after Nick got there he was quiet. It made Bryce wonder if Clay was right all along and when people started to leave, Bryce had a chance to talk to him.
"Are you okay?" Bryce followed Isa when he said his mom was there to pick him up.
"I'll be fine, it's nothing new," Isa shrugged. "Happy Birthday. Text me when you want to go spend some of those gift cards."
"I will. But, um, can I just ask you something?" Bryce's heart was pounding. "It's just...I know you were okay until Nick got here."
"Wow, you really do pay attention," Isa couldn't have sounded more sarcastic.
"Sometimes. Anyway, I just," Bryce took a deep breath. "Do you have feelings for me?"
"What?"
"You said you got your heart broken last year, and then tonight you got sad as soon as Nick came in, so I thought-"
"Um," Isa was giving Bryce the most shocked look. "Wow. I don't even know what to say right now except that I really don't want to talk about this on your birthday. Do you really think I have a crush on you?"
"Well, I didn't...but you would never tell me who it was, then Nick showed up tonight and you got all sad."
"Because this probably means you're gonna go back to ignoring me."
"No, I promise," Bryce insisted. Isa shrugged.
"I, uh, guess it's cool you're cool with the idea of me liking you, but I don't. You're like my best friend, so it's nothing personal, I just don't like guys that way. Like at all. But, um, the reason I never told you who I liked is because of that. Because you're my best friend, I mean. And I'm afraid you won't talk to me again if I tell you who it is," Isa paused to bite his thumbnail. "But, I can tell you if want."
"Yeah, because I'm really confused," Bryce felt a little better knowing it wasn't him.
"Okay. Well. It's Abbie."
"Seriously?"
"Yes. We used to hang out, you know? All three of us. You, me, and Abbie. All the time. And I stupidly thought when she didn't end up with you that maybe she'd be with me," Isa looked so sad. "But she totally blew me off. Like she was nice about it, because she's always nice, but she made it clear she's not even a little bit into me."
"I am so sorry," Bryce frowned. "I really had no idea."
"Well it's not like I could tell you," Isa shook his head. "Whatever, just don't disappear on me, okay? I can be a good friend and be happy for you if you're a good friend and don't ditch me for your boyfriend."
"He has a boyfriend, actually, but I promise I won't ditch you anyway," Bryce smiled. "Thanks for coming to my not-surprise party."
"You're not mad about the Abbie thing?"
"No, I'm glad it was her and not me. I mean, I'm not glad she doesn't like you back, but I'm glad we still get to be friends."
"We'd better," Isa rolled his eyes. "I gotta go before my mom gets mad."
Bryce went back to see who was still in the kitchen. Ashley and Nick were talking to Clay, everyone else was part of his family. When Clay saw him coming, he nudged Nick and gave him a very pointed look.
"Part two now?" Clay raised his eyebrows.
"Um, right," Nick took a deep breath and turned to Bryce. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"
"Yeah, do you want to go outside?" Bryce suggested. Nick nodded.
They went to the backyard to sit next to the pool. It was a nice night so Bryce stuck his feet in the water and Nick did the same. Neither one of them spoke for a few minutes.
"So, um, I have to tell you something," Nick cleared his throat. "That day at Starbucks, you know that guy I was with?"
"Your boyfriend, Peyton, who you met at soccer camp, who's probably a way better kisser than me and is probably a senior with a fancy car and an acceptance letter from like all the good colleges, yes."
"Wow, um, well, he's not actually my boyfriend," Nick cleared his throat again. "So, um, the soccer camp and senior with the fancy car is right, but we never kissed or talked about college. And I've only ever kissed you once, so I don't know if anyone is better."
"Wait, he's not your boyfriend?" Bryce wanted to be sure he'd heard right. He also wanted to be sure he was awake and not hallucinating so he kicked the pool wall but it didn't actually hurt so he wasn't sure it counted.
"No, he's got a girlfriend. I just panicked that day when I saw you because," Nick took a deep breath. "You looked so sad, and I hate that we're not friends anymore. But I was mad that you waited so long to tell me the truth about why you came up to me in the hall that day."
"Even though you just did the same thing to me with Peyton?"
"I know, Clay pointed that out to me. It's not really the same, but I get how it's the same."
"And what about your locker? Who asked you to Homecoming?"
"No one. Well, Toby decorated my locker that day as a joke because we were both sad no one was going to ask us," Nick shook his head. "I tried to tell you that but you left so fast I didn't get a chance."
"Well, yeah, I didn't want to stand there and think about perfect Peyton," Bryce could see Nick start to smile.
"He's really not perfect. Or my type, actually, he still thinks poop jokes and fart noises are funny."
"I mean, they can be."
"No, I mean he thinks all poop jokes are funny because they're about poop, which he thinks is always funny no matter what. So one of the guys at camp got sick and Peyton laughed at him because he...you know," Nick made a face. "Anyway, so, don't be fooled by the abs. He's not all that great."
"Funny, I never saw his abs so," Bryce couldn't help but remember back to summer camp and seeing Nick in his bathing suit every day. Nick almost had abs, if you looked at the right angle, and Bryce had spent a lot of time imagining getting to touch those abs and his chest.
"I was kidding," Nick grinned. "He doesn't have abs, he's too skinny for muscles. I just think it's funny you're jealous of him when I think you're so much better in just about every way."
"Oh. So he's better in some way? "
"Well, you're not exactly an expert with a soccer ball."
"I'd never even touched a soccer ball before I met you," Bryce pointed out. "I'm not bad for someone who doesn't do any kind of sports ball."
"Sports ball?"
"That's what Dad and I call it when we don't know anything about the game," Bryce admitted. "I learned about soccer so I could understand your games but other than knowing which balls go where, I have no idea about the rest of the sports."
"That's a lot of balls for someone who was so confused about his sexual orientation."
"You're welcome, I set that up just for you."
"Thanks. So," Nick bit his lip. "Can we actually be friends again now?"
"Yes, please," Bryce smiled.
"I think it will be different to be friends now that it's not like a competition."
"I never thought about that," Bryce realized. "But I miss talking to you, so, being friends would be good."
"It's not that I don't want to be more than that, I just think...I don't know, it feels different now. I don't know why."
"I know what you mean, kinda."
"Let's just see, okay? I still really like you, like more than I probably should," Nick shrugged. "So I don't want to mess it up again, if that makes sense."
"It does," Bryce nodded. He felt lighter than he had in a long time.
"Okay, um, your family is kind of watching so maybe we should go back inside," Nick's smile got a little bigger. Bryce turned and saw everyone look away.
"They were all on your side, by the way. Only Clay was really Team Abbie."
"No pressure," Nick laughed and stood up. "That's good to know, I guess."
"Sorry, I thought it would help," Bryce let Nick help him up. "Thanks for giving me a second chance."
"You totally deserve it. You're a good guy, Bryce," Nick made it seem like that was obvious. "Besides, I missed you too."
"I really won't mess up this time, promise."
"Me too. No more stupid stuff."
"Clay was right, he really did have the best present," Bryce decided.
"You think?" Nick looked at the house again.
"I guess technically you made it happen."
"True. But I think I can beat him."
"So much for no competition," Bryce laughed.
"Oh, there's no contest here at all," Nick leaned in, his eyes focused on Bryce's lips. "No one else is on my level."
"Not even close," Bryce whispered just before Nick kissed him.
"Sorry, I know that's against the rules, but it's your birthday."
"Yeah, sure. Unrelated, I think I'm over that rule," Bryce decided.
"Psh, don't get used to it, I'm serious about this friends thing. I just wanted to make sure you still like boys."
"Don't worry, I still like you."
"Good. Happy Birthday, Bryce."
"Happy Birthday to me."
---------------------------
Clay walked out of class the second he got the text from Hannah that she was going to the doctor because it seemed like the baby might be coming that day. He didn't know what his parents had told the school, but his English teacher gave him a nod and kept talking, as if she'd known he was going to walk out when he did.
Eli was the one to pick him up, getting to the school just 10 minutes after the text message. He seemed way too calm, in Clay's opinion, which was weird coming from Eli.
"Your dad is busy soaking up tanning oil at the moment. Want to go get sushi?" Eli asked as Clay got in the car.
"Isn't he getting too old to prance around in front of a camera?" Clay groaned. Just when he thought Adam was done modeling he always got asked to do something else.
"He's not allowed to get that old," Eli shook his head. "I'm really craving wasabi, as weird as that sounds."
"That's very weird," Clay agreed. "Fine, we can eat sushi. It's not like there's anything else I can do."
"Exactly. Also, this will take a while. The baby probably won't be born until tomorrow morning so you may as well just relax."
"Right, sure," Clay rolled his eyes.
But Eli was right and aside from a few texts from Clara to assure them that everything was going well, they didn't hear anything for the rest of the day. None of them actually went to bed but hung out watching TV together, something they never did, as if it were the kind of thing they did all the time.
Finally, around 3 that morning, Dax sent a group text with a picture of the baby and then a picture of Wes and Luke holding him. They named him Lincoln and apparently he was a big baby. Clay wasn't sure what made him any different from every other baby. He looked exactly like every other brand new baby picture Clay had ever seen.
"Look what you did, Clay," Bryce was staring at the picture. "You made that."
"That's so weird," Clay stared too.
"He looks exactly like you," Eli sniffled. "Exactly."
"How can you tell?" Clay glanced at Bryce and then at his parents. They were both wiping their eyes.
"Put the pictures side by side," Bryce suggested.
"Look," Eli had already done it and Clay had a feeling his father had already had the collage ready and waiting to add the new baby picture. "He's all you, Clay."
"If you say so," Clay kept looking back and forth. He could tell the babies looked alike but he wasn't sure what made Lincoln look like him and not like every other baby in the world.
They didn't go to bed until around 5. Adam promised them the next day off, and Clay was especially relieved because he couldn't fall asleep after that. He just kept looking at the pictures as everyone at the hospital added more and more to the shared album.
Look what you did, Clay. You made that. The words echoed over and over again. Everyone was so happy in the pictures and they were crying in the videos and seemed so excited. Wes and Luke were smiling at each other and at the baby and they already looked like they belonged in some ad about perfect families. Look what you did, Clay.
Even when he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore, Clay kept trying to understand how he'd had any part in making that baby. Making that family. He could remember being with Hannah, still way too well for his comfort, but how did that lead to a baby and all those smiling faces? It just didn't make any sense.
Clay didn't get to meet Lincoln right away. His parents said they needed to give Wes and Luke a little time to get settled before they went to visit. They waited a full week before they went to the house to see Lincoln and took a present with them when they did.
"Oh my gosh, he looks exactly like Clay," Eli said for the hundredth time when they walked in and saw Lincoln. "Clay was enormous as a baby too, do you remember?"
"Yes, he was such a little chunk," Adam didn't point out that Eli had only been showing them Clay's baby pictures nonstop for the past week so even if someone had forgotten, they would have remembered.
"This is really weird," Clay admitted when Luke brought Lincoln over to him. Now that Lincoln was a little bit less squishy-looking, Clay could see that he made some of the same facial expressions as him. It was strange to see someone do anything like he did but Lincoln's little eyebrows moved exactly so that when he frowned it was a miniature version of his own face. "Is it wrong for me to say he's cute?"
"I say it all the time," Luke laughed. "Do you want to hold him?"
"Yes, if that's okay," Clay nodded.
"Sure," Luke looked really happy about that and Clay felt like he'd given the right answer though he wasn't sure.
Clay sat on the couch and held Lincoln, watching him make faces while he slept. It was still impossible to believe he'd had anything to do with making a baby, a real, live, human baby, let alone the one he had in his arms. You made that.
He hadn't expected to feel much of anything when he looked at Lincoln, but Clay actually felt a little nervous as he held him. Lincoln was so tiny and even though he felt much heavier than Clay expected, he still seemed so breakable. It was hard to believe that everyone started out so small and still managed to survive to adulthood. There were so many things that could go wrong.
Almost as if Lincoln heard what he was thinking, the baby started to cry. Wes rushed over.
"What did I do?" Clay felt his heart break. He'd only gotten to hold him for a little while and he couldn't even handle that much. "I was just looking at him."
"I don't know, it's okay," Wes took Lincoln. "Shh, you're okay."
"He can't be hungry," Luke had gotten up too. "It hasn't even been an hour since his bottle."
"His diaper is clean," Wes was rocking him and patting his back. "I have no idea, he just woke up."
"Calm down, he's fine," Eli stood up, as if the sound of the baby crying wasn't the most horrifying noise he'd ever heard. "He probably just got cold," he touched Lincoln's bare leg.
"Is that it?" Luke reached for a blanket. "Here, champ, let's warm you up."
"Don't you overheat him," Wes warned as Luke took Lincoln from him. "You're way too hot sometimes."
"Lincoln won't notice," Eli winked.
"That's not what I meant," Wes rolled his eyes. Clay fought to keep from smiling. It was good to know someone else thought his dad's jokes were just as bad as he did.
Miraculously, Lincoln was already getting quiet and after a few more seconds under the blanket he was back asleep as if nothing had even happened. The crisis was over.
"How did you know that?" Clay demanded, turning to his father. "You just knew what to do, like it was nothing."
"I've met a few other babies," Eli made it sound like it was no big deal at all.
"I could not handle this," Clay shook his head. He'd always known that, on some level, but seeing it in real life? It all made so much sense. He gave Eli a hug. "Thanks, Papa."
"You're welcome," Eli hugged Clay back. "You learn, you know, someday you'll be a great father."
"Maybe," Clay shrugged. He looked at Lincoln again. "Can I take a picture?"
"Of course," Wes moved out of the way. "Take as many as you like."
"I just want to show Bryce," Clay pulled out his phone. "And maybe Ashley, my uh, girlfriend."
"Whatever you want," Wes nodded. "If you want to hold him again, we can take pictures of you holding him too."
"Is that really okay? I don't want him to cry again."
"Babies cry sometimes, it's really not the end of the world. They don't have a casual way to ask for a snack yet," Eli squeezed Clay's shoulder. "Go on, hold him."
Clay took a million pictures, at least, though he wasn't quite sure how Ashley would take seeing them. He'd told her about Lincoln, leaving out the part where it was Hannah he'd cheated with, and she seemed to be way more comfortable that he'd cheated on Chloe than she was with the fact there was a baby in the world with his DNA. She also refused to have sex with him, just in case, but Clay was hoping that the longer they dated she might eventually go for oral.
They stayed long enough that Clay got to feed Lincoln a bottle before they left. Wes and Luke were so nice to him and kept asking if he wanted to do things for Lincoln, like feed him. Clay drew the line at changing a diaper but Luke said he'd have to do it next time.
"Next time?" Clay repeated, not sure he'd understood right.
"Yep, you're not getting out of diaper changing," Luke laughed. "I'll give you a pass on bathtime because he hates it and that's just mean, but we have many years of diapers to look forward to and I'm more than happy to share the experience."
"Okay, but you mean, I can come back?" Clay looked at his parents to make sure he wasn't missing something.
"Of course, we want you to know Lincoln and for him to know you," Luke insisted. "I never want it to be a big mystery where he came from or worse, a secret. We'll figure out how much to tell him and when, but we've always hoped you would be part of his life."
"Um, that's cool, I just...all those papers I signed said, like, I'm not part of it?"
"That's just paperwork, Clay. I know we're his parents but that doesn't mean you don't get to know him at all. We want you in his life," Luke paused. "Unless you become a serial killer or something, I mean, there are some limits."
"I would really like that," Clay decided. "Being around, I mean, not being a serial killer. I don't think I'm smart enough for that."
"Normally I would argue, but I think that's for the best," Luke smiled. "Do you want to hold him again?"
"No, I'm good," Clay looked at his parents. "I think I want to go now."
"Alright," Adam looked at Eli, who nodded. They got up.
"Um, but thank you," Clay turned to Wes. "For taking him. I know it's the best thing for him."
"We're more than happy to do it," Wes looked like he wanted to say more but he just smiled.
"We love him so much," Luke added. "It feels like he was meant to be ours."
"Ugh, you're killing me," Eli fanned his face and Clay could see he was all teary-eyed. "I promised Clay I wouldn't cry."
"I get it though," Clay admitted. "I do feel better now that I see him here. It just fits."
"Yes, it does," Wes smiled harder.
They went home and Clay texted Ashley to see if she was too busy studying to talk. She said no so Clay sent her a few of the pictures of Lincoln. He knew right away she wasn't happy when she didn't reply right away.
While he waited for her to figure out what she was going to say, Clay sent the pictures to Bryce. He was with Nick but wrote back right away to tell Clay how cute Lincoln was. Bryce, of course, asked how it felt and Clay decided the easiest answer was just "weird." It was the only thing that explained all the different feelings he had.
It didn't really make sense how much more settled he felt about the whole thing. But maybe seeing Wes and Luke actually be parents was what he'd needed all along. Trying to imagine a baby and imagine giving it up was so different from how it actually felt to hold his baby and know that Lincoln was safe and loved. Maybe that was the part he was missing. Before Lincoln was born all anyone talked about was feeding the baby and changing diapers. No one had really talked to him about how it would feel to look at this tiny human that had his face and know that someone had to be there for him for the rest of his life.
And it wasn't just about diapers but someone had to teach him everything - how to be a good person, what a family was, why you could have hope even when everything seemed awful. The big stuff. Stuff he was still trying to figure out. Meanwhile he'd freaked out when Lincoln got a little cold and started to cry. No wonder everyone kept saying that giving him up was the right thing to do. The more Clay thought about it the better he felt. Not only that, but having Wes and Luke say they wanted him around...that was everything.
Clay got up and went to find his parents. They were in the family room, once again comparing pictures of him to pictures of Lincoln. He rolled his eyes but let Eli show him a few more pictures.
"This is going to seem weird, and I don't know if it's allowed," Clay took a deep breath. "And it's nothing about you, I promise, I just...I kind of want to meet my birth parents. If I can."
"That doesn't seem weird at all," Adam smiled and looked at Eli. Eli didn't seem as calm about it.
"All we can do is ask," Eli said after what felt like an hour. "You're just curious right? You know you may not like what you learn."
"I didn't think about that, actually. But I don't need them, I just...I kind of want to say thank you, like for giving me up, if that's not weird. I want them to know I'm happy and turned out mostly alright."
"You're not alright, you're amazing," Adam put his arm around Eli just in time. His father started to cry approximately half a second later.
"I can't even tell you how proud I am, Clay," Eli sniffled. "We'll try, okay? They wanted a closed adoption and we don't know why."
"That's all I'm asking," Clay sat down to hug him. "Love you, Papa."
"I love you too, Clay."
Shockingly, Eli got an answer back from the lawyer who'd handled the adoption just a few days later. It turned out that Clay's birth parents were just as excited about meeting him as he was to meet them. They invited his family to come to their house for dinner. His parents were nervous about that idea but Clay was more worried about what they would be like. What if they didn't even like him? What if they didn't like his parents?
That Saturday came and Clay tried to stay calm as he and his family walked up the front steps of a house about two hours away from theirs. It looked like a very typical, tidy neighborhood, nothing particularly special about it. The house was new-looking and what Clay figured was probably average size. He heard a dog bark when he knocked on the door and a second later, the door opened to reveal a woman who gasped as soon as she saw him.
"Clay?" she was covering her mouth and her eyes were watery, like she was about to cry.
"Yes, hi," Clay wasn't sure what else to say.
"Oh, thank God," the woman smiled. "Come in, come in. I'm Isobel, I gave birth to you."
Clay felt himself relax a little bit as she opened the door wider so he and his family could come inside. She hadn't called herself his mother, as if she knew that word would feel wrong for all of them. Behind her a short distance was a man, holding back a cute little dog who looked as if he or she believed they were all there to see him or her. He smiled, his expression looking eerily familiar to Clay.
"You must be the other reason I'm here," Clay guessed. He and the man had the same nose.
"I'm Mike, yes, I was very much a willing participant," the guy held his hand out so Clay could shake it.
"Miguel, please," Isobel seemed embarrassed by the comment.
"Sorry, everyone looks so serious," Mike gave Clay a look like he was sorry he'd gotten scolded.
"Please come sit down. We're so happy you wanted to meet," Isobel motioned to them to follow her further into the house. "Please don't mind Rascal, he's still learning."
"We have a dog, we don't mind," Clay insisted. Bryce let out a gasp a second later.
"You're doctors?" Bryce looked so excited. He was reading what looked like college diplomas.
"I hope so or we're about to owe a lot of people some big explanations," Mike laughed.
"Well, you just made a new bff," Clay warned them, gesturing to Bryce.
"That's actually something we wanted to talk to you about," Isobel smiled but she looked very serious. "I know you probably want to know why we didn't keep you."
"I mean, I don't know, actually," Clay admitted. "I kind of do, but I kind of don't. I love the family I have, I don't want to make it seem like I'm here to get answers or anything. Knowing why wouldn't change anything."
"I just want you to know it's not because we didn't want you," Isobel had her hands clasped together. Mike let go of the dog's collar and put his hand on her shoulder. "It broke my heart to let you go but I knew you'd have the best life with someone else."
"You were right, I do," Clay took a step closer, wanting to hug her because she looked like she was about to cry but not sure if that was okay.
"It haunted me for the first few years, but then we started seeing your picture online and you just looked so happy and so loved," Mike cleared his throat. "We've watched you grow up, Clay. I hope you won't think this is weird, but we don't have our own kids yet so we have a few of our favorites printed out."
"Oh wow," Clay followed them into the family room. There were a few pictures of him around the room, mixed in with their other pictures. If you didn't know any better, it seemed like he might have been one of their cousins or something. It was a little strange, but they didn't seem obsessed or anything weird. But as soon as Mike told him about the pictures Clay realized that meant they were probably following him on insta, or at least his parents, which meant they knew almost everything about him.
"I'm sorry, if it's too much we can take them down," Isobel went to the closest frame. "I just need a reminder sometimes, that you're okay and we did the right thing."
"No, they don't bother me, you can keep them. I bet we have a million and a half more, if you want the ones that weren't good enough to post," Clay glanced at Eli, who was definitely teary-eyed but holding it together at the moment. "I just...I didn't realize you knew who we are, like I don't know how much you know about me."
"Well, we knew Eli from our interview," Isobel explained. "I guess Mike started following him then and when we saw the pictures and videos we couldn't stop. You looked just like Mike as a baby. Still do, actually.."
"These genes are pretty strong," Clay thought about Lincoln . He hadn't planned to tell them about Lincoln yet, but now that they'd met he kind of wanted to.
They sat down in the family room and there was an awkward silence for a few minutes. Everyone kept looking at each other, as if they were waiting for someone else to do all the talking.
"Um, so," Clay finally couldn't take it and decided to just jump in. "The biggest reason I'm here is to say thank you. Like I said, I love my family, and I'm so glad you gave me to them. I know it was hard to do, but it was probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not that being with you would have been not as good, just that I want you to know you don't have to wonder if you picked the right parents for me."
"Thank you," Isobel finally started to cry. "I don't know how you knew that's exactly what I've always wanted to hear, but thank you."
"You're really mature for your age," Mike had his arm around Isobel. "Thank you, Clay."
"Well, I guess you know I kind of went through something," Clay wasn't sure how to explain it but if they followed Eli they knew he'd run away. He reached for his phone and pulled up the picture of Lincoln. "But I sort of know now what you felt, maybe, about giving me away."
"Oh my goodness," Isobel gasped when Clay handed her the phone. "This is..."
"Lincoln, he's um, he's my Clay."
"Oh, wow," Mike looked over her shoulder. "These genes really are strong. That's nuts."
"I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't just surprise you with that," Clay realized they weren't smiling anymore. "And I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me, I'm sure your plans for me didn't include making this kind of mistake, but um, his parents are awesome. You can swipe, they're in the next picture."
"Clay, this is," Isobel handed Mike the phone and got up. "This is incredible. I'm not disappointed in you at all. Shocked, of course, you're just so young, but I'm actually...proud, I think."
"Proud?"
"It feels like a compliment, actually. To me," Mike smiled as Isobel came and gave Clay a hug. "You said thank you, but this proves you mean it."
"Exactly," Isobel squeezed him and Clay hugged back, careful not to squeeze too hard.
A few seconds later, Isobel remembered that dinner was almost ready and they moved to the table to eat. They spent the rest of the night getting to know each other and Clay was glad his birth parents turned out to be really cool people. His parents seemed to get along with them too and of course Bryce asked a million questions about getting into medical school. Clay also noticed that Mike wasn't exactly a scrawny-looking guy and was almost as tall as Adam which made him feel like he could hope puberty would do him a favor or two at some point.
Finally they were finishing dessert and Clay decided he had to ask. Not because it really made a big difference, but because he was just curious after everything they'd talked about that night.
"So, I know I said I didn't care but why didn't you keep me?" he was relieved when Isobel smiled. His parents didn't look upset either.
"We'd just sunk everything we had into paying for medical school. It was a miracle either one of us got in and we didn't qualify for scholarships. The loans were already piling up from undergrad and we'd already signed all the paperwork for the rest of them," Isobel explained. "I thought I was feeling sick because I was so nervous about getting into med school, but then some other symptoms kicked in and we figured it out."
"You were a little dramatic back then," Mike nudged him. "Kept scaring us."
"Nothing's changed," Eli coughed.
"The point is we wanted more for you than we could give right then. We weren't even married yet, we actually weren't sure we should keep dating but the whole thing brought us closer," Isobel smiled. "It was so hard but it worked out better than I could have ever dreamed."
They talked for a little longer before it was time to leave. Though they all traded phone numbers, Clay had a feeling they wouldn't exactly end up being friends. It was more like they all just felt settled. Almost like they'd finished something.
Clay tried to explain all of that to Ashley over text as his parents drove them home. He felt so...peaceful. It was a little weird how one dinner with complete strangers could make such a big difference.
"They were really cool," Bryce hadn't spoken much since they left. "You're lucky, Clay."
"I am," Clay knew that was true, even if he didn't always feel like it.
"Do you think my mom is somewhere we could meet her?" Bryce looked at their parents.
Eli and Adam were quiet for so long that Clay knew the answer wasn't going to be a happy one.
"Bryce if that's important to you, we can figure something out," Adam finally cleared his throat and answered. "Would you be okay with Facetime?"
"She's not in California?"
"She is. There are...court orders though."
"Oh," Bryce looked at Clay. "Like I said, you're really lucky."
"I know. I really do," Clay really did mean it this time. He remembered talking with his parents one time about Bryce's mom. "Hey, Dad? My phone died, can I use yours?"
"Yeah, hang on," Adam was driving but unlocked his phone and handed it to Clay.
Clay opened Adam's Instagram right away. He cringed when he saw his dad had so many notifications but ignored them and went into the messages. Adam actually let Eli and Monroe post to his account so it wasn't like he would notice if he missed a few notifications. Clay scrolled through the messages, checking each one until he found the name he was looking for. He felt a little sick when he realized it was already someone he was following.
"Is that your dead phone that just got a text?" Bryce gave Clay a side eye.
"It's on 5%," Clay wasn't lying about that.
"That's not the same as dead."
"You want me to give it back? Geez," Clay closed Adam's instagram, his heart beating way too fast. "Sorry for whatever I did to piss you off."
"Boys, it's a long drive. Can we not?" Eli cleared his throat.
"Happy to not," Clay passed Adam's phone back.
"Wait, do I have baby pictures on there?" Bryce reached for the phone.
"You do not want to go in that camera roll, trust me," Adam blocked him. "Go accept the invite to the shared album I made you that you've been ignoring for 5 years."
"Try not to be so bitter about it," Bryce laughed but picked up his phone. As soon as he did, Clay shared the link to the IG account he'd found with him. "Clay, your phone isn't dead if you're messaging me."
"Try not to be so bitter about it," Clay mocked but held his breath until Bryce opened the message. He knew his brother had read it when his eyes went wide.
Clay: i think this might be your mom