Fanboy (boyxboy)

"I'm not any worse than I already was."

Bryce wasn't surprised when he saw Abbie waiting for him outside of his last class that Tuesday. He'd only skipped a few weeks of youth group and every other person in the group had gone out of their way to tell him they missed him. It was Abbie's turn.

"Hi," he smiled and walked right up to her, hoping she wasn't as nervous as she looked. "I like your haircut."

"Oh, um, thanks," Abbie ran her hand over her hair. "I got it cut last week. I guess I haven't seen you in a while? Cause you're not coming to group anymore?"

"Um, it's not that I'm not coming anymore," Bryce could smell something sweet and knew it was coming off her hair or her clothes. "I'm just busy, there's uh, stuff going on."

"Yeah, but Lamar said, um, sometimes we say busy when we're building walls to keep others out," Abbie pushed her lips together and Bryce wondered what they felt like. He'd wondered that before.

"That's...really good," Bryce realized his group leader was right. How did he know? "Um, I mean, not that I'm doing that, or maybe I am. I don't know. I can't talk about it though. Not because I don't want to but because I'm not allowed."

"Is it Clay? Is he okay?" Abbie's eyes widened. Bryce mentally kicked himself for asking the group to pray for his brother. Of course she would guess it was about Clay.

"I don't know, he's..." Bryce looked around. Clay was down the hall, his friend AJ talking to him, but it didn't look like Clay was listening.

"Yeah. I'll keep praying. For both of you," Abbie took a deep breath. "Can I hug you?"

"Yeah," Bryce opened his arms and she squeezed him a lot harder than he expected.

"I miss you, Bry. I thought we were friends. You don't even text me anymore," Abbie whispered.

"I'm sorry, I still want to be friends," Bryce told her. "I just can't do the whole group and church thing right now."

"Why not?"

"It's not forever, it's just...too much right now."

"You're never too much for Jesus," Abbie's eyes watered and she looked away. "You told me that, Bryce."

"It's true, I meant it. I know that, but," Bryce hated seeing her cry, even if she was wiping away each tear before it had a chance to fall.

"I really like you, Bryce, like I thought maybe one day we might be more than friends," Abbie whispered. "But if you're not in church I don't know if...I mean, not that you have to be, but when I do have a relationship I want a boyfriend who sits next to me in church. I thought you were that boy."

"I wish I were," Bryce pulled her in for another hug. "I wanted to be more than friends too. Maybe I still do, I just don't know right now."

"What happened to you?"

"It was time to grow up. I need to figure some stuff out."

"Why can't you do that with us? We're all figuring stuff out, Bryce, we're all trying to grow up," Abbie pulled away. "Please come back. Please."

"I will. Soon. There's just something I need to do first," Bryce promised. He felt bad not telling her anything because he knew it didn't make sense but he couldn't tell her about Clay which meant he couldn't tell her about trying to figure out his sexuality so he wouldn't be a disappointment to his parents. That was another thing their youth group leader had gotten right - the longer you kept secrets, the more complicated they got.

"Please just come back to group. Please," Abbie looked like she was going to cry again.

"Not tonight. Soon," Bryce promised. He had an idea, and it maybe wasn't a good one, but he hoped it would help. "Maybe next week. I think."

"I'm going to keep asking. I'm not going to give up on you, Bryce," Abbie shook her head.

"Thank you," Bryce made himself smile. "I'll see you around."

"I'll text you," Abbie insisted. She hurried away, still looking sad. Bryce watched her run right to another girl from their group and the girls hugged. He had a feeling Abbie was crying again. He hated the idea that they were so sad but he also felt like they were being kind of crazy. He'd just stopped coming to youth group, it wasn't like he was in jail. Or on drugs.

Or addicted to porn. At least he didn't think he was addicted.

Bryce swallowed the lump in his throat and went to the other end of the hall. He didn't know the kids who hung out at that end of the school very well since he normally hung out with kids from church, but it was a small enough school that no one was really a stranger. The kids there all said hello and knew his name, not even acting like it was weird that he was down there. But Bryce found the guy he was looking for pretty easily and he stepped away from the rest of the group when he saw Bryce motion to him. Nick was a tall guy, a grade older than Bryce, and the only openly gay guy Bryce knew who wasn't in a relationship.