As he headed down the hall, Eli saw Adam's bedroom door open just a crack. Then he saw Clay's face peek out. As soon as Clay saw Eli he shut the door.
"Clay!" Eli gasped and ran to grab him. "Get out here!"
"I'm sorry, Papa," Clay burst into tears as soon as Eli opened the door. "I was looking for Cole."
"Baby, Cole's not here," Eli scooped Clay up and carried him down the hall to his bedroom.
"I want him to come back," Clay sobbed. "Everybody is so sad cause he died but he can come back so we won't be sad."
"No, he can't come back," Eli took a slow breath and sat down on his bed. Clay slid off his lap but stayed close. "Remember how sick he was?"
"So sick and they couldn't fix it," Clay nodded. "Now we can't see him."
"That's right."
"But Papa, Jesus died."
"Yes, and do you see Jesus?"
"No, Jesus is in here," Clay pointed to Eli's chest. "And here," he tapped his own chest.
"Exactly," Eli rubbed Clay's back.
"Is Cole in there too? In my heart?"
"Forever," Eli couldn't fight off the tears anymore. "It's okay to be sad, Clay. That's normal."
"How did he get in there?"
"That's what happens when you love someone."
"Did it hurt Cole?"
"He was sad and he felt sick, but when he died he couldn't feel that anymore," Eli explained.
"Can he eat pizza now?"
Eli relaxed a little as Clay's questions got easier to answer. He seemed very worried that Cole would be bored or hungry. But he still didn't seem to understand that death was forever.
The funeral was beautiful. Cole and Adam planned it together before the tour so no one had to make decisions. They just got dressed and showed up.
It was the only good thing about Cole's death. The time to plan meant there were no tough conversations or questions. Cole had thought of everything. And since Adam was just a shell of a person it meant Eli didn't have to force him to make choices. It was hard enough getting Adam to sign all the required paperwork.
But paperwork was easy compared to the more difficult task of getting Adam out of bed to eat. It was the only thing Eli wanted from him and Adam wouldn't do it. All Adam wanted to do was sleep, smoke pot or cuddle with Clay for as long as Clay would allow it.
Even the weather was beautiful the day they buried Cole. By the time the small ceremony at the church was over the sun had come out and burned off the morning haze. Eli felt like throwing up when they got to the cemetery and he saw the crowds of fans and reporters lined up along the fence.
As if it weren't bad enough that everyone was there, they fell silent when Adam got out of the car. It was eerie to hear the reverent hush and watch Adam, red-rimmed eyes fixed on an invisible point in the distance, walk past. Every now and then Eli heard someone sniffle, but otherwise it was far too quiet.
Once they were safely inside the cemetery, Cole's chosen burial plot was far enough from the entrance that it was sheltered from view of the crowds. They were able to go on with the private burial service without even a helicopter flying overhead.
Maddox and Justin sang a song together as the attendants lowered Cole's coffin into the ground. Eli was surprised to find out Cole would even be buried since he'd donated his body to research but Dr. Burton assured him he'd only taken as much of a sample, whatever that meant, as necessary. Eli didn't ask for more details.
Clay spent the whole ceremony sitting on Eli's feet. He was quiet right up until Adam dropped a rose into Cole's grave. Then he turned to Eli with a horrified look on his face.
"Papa, Adam lost his flower," Clay whispered. "Can you get it for him?"
"No, baby, he put it there on purpose," Eli picked up Clay.
"That's weird. Why didn't he keep it? It was on Cole's box."
"He'll get to keep the other flowers, he doesn't need that one."
"I'm kind of hungry," Clay put his head on Eli's shoulder. "When is the food getting here?"
"We'll eat when we get home," Eli promised. He saw Pastor Ben lift his hands. "We're going to pray now."
"Okay, put me down."
The house was more crowded than Eli had seen it since Cole and Adam's housewarming party. It was nice to know Clay had other kids to play with to help keep him entertained. Adam, on the other hand, seemed just as lost and empty as every other day.
"I'm going to take him with me," Cole's mother told Eli as they were saying goodbye to everyone that night. "He needs to get away from here for a while, and it's not good for the little one to see him so upset."
"Adam?" Eli frowned. "You're taking Adam?"
"Yes. He said he wants to go."
"I don't know," Eli glanced at Clay. "I think it's okay for Clay to see us be sad."
"It's okay for a little while," Cole's mom nodded. "But Adam needs to be with family right now."
"Oh," Eli felt like she may as well have smacked him. Family. Not like him, the other man. "It might be good for him to get away. If he wants to, I mean. He should."
"He was afraid it would upset Clay, but I told him it would be alright."
"Clay will be fine," Eli looked at the little boy just as he scooped the dog into the bed of his dump truck. Flower sat down, as if he'd given up on protesting. "I should get him ready for bed."
"Alright. Thank you for understanding, Eli," Cole's mom gave him a big hug. "I know Cole really loved you both."
"I know, I did too," Eli nodded, turning before he could get too choked up.
It was another restless night. Eli woke up around 3 and couldn't fall asleep again until almost 5. He scrolled through posts about the funeral and was shocked to see the pictures of himself getting out of the car after Adam. It was stupid, but he'd never even thought about how that would look.
A little bit more scrolling told Eli that most of the fans seemed to think he was working for Adam. It was an obvious explanation, Eli could admit that, and it was better than having them guess the truth, but he didn't love thinking that was the only way the fans could see him. The help. Was that really all they thought of him?
He put his phone away soon after that, drifting off to sleep before he could think of the best way to respond. Maybe it didn't need a response.
Adam was in the kitchen when Eli woke up the next morning. His eyes were red and glassy but Clay ran to hug him before Eli could stop him.
"Adam, you need a bath," Clay backed up, fanning his nose. "You stink."
"Sorry, Rotten," Adam sighed. "Hey, can I have a hug though?"
"Not until you shower."
"Clay, give Adam a hug," Eli wished Adam would look at him.
"Pew," Clay made a face but gave Adam a hug. "You can be sad in the shower. Papa cries in there, you know."
"I do too," Adam squeezed Clay. Eli cringed, wondering when Clay had heard him crying in the shower. "Go get your breakfast."
"I can't reach."
"I'll get it in a minute, Clay," Eli waited until Adam stood up. "Are you going today?"
"Yeah, our flight is at 11," Adam took a deep breath and looked Eli in the eyes. "I don't know when I'll be back."
"Okay," Eli but his tongue. He wanted to push back and demand to know a day but it seemed like Adam was struggling enough. "Keep in touch, I guess."
"You're not my manager," Adam shook his head.
"You saw that too?"
"Saw what?"
"Nothing," Eli wanted to cry. He knew Adam didn't mean to be so cold and he shouldn't let it hurt him but it did.
"I, uh," Adam looked around. He didn't seem to recognize his own kitchen. "Take care of yourself and all."
"You too."
"I tried, Eli, I just can't do this. I mean, be here," Adam closed his eyes. "It's not you, it's just the house."
"I get it, my dad still won't go in my sister's old room," Eli shrugged. "It's the baby's room now, it doesn't even look like hers."
"Your mom and sister died in a horrible way, Eli, it's not the same. You didn't have time to-"
"Just because you had time doesn't mean-"
"It should!" Adam snapped. Clay gasped but Adam ignored him. "I spent years in counseling getting ready for this so why does it still feel like my insides got ripped out?"
"I don't even know what to say, Adam, I'm so sorry," Eli took a deep breath. "And I know that's not good enough because nothing is right now. Go for as long as you need. Clay and I will be here until you tell us to get out."
"Okay," Adam looked like he wanted to say more but he just shook his head. "I'll see you whenever, I guess."
He moved to hug Eli but barely touched him before pulling back and leaving the kitchen. Eli watched him go and turned to see if Clay was alright. Clay was looking at him, like he was waiting to see how Eli reacted.
"Do you want to go get pancakes for breakfast?" Eli offered, deciding that cooking was the last thing he wanted to do right then.
"Yeah! I'll get Adam and Ela," Clay ran for the stairs. Why he only named Cole's mother and not the rest of the family, Eli didn't know. Maybe because she'd spent so much time with him.
"Wait, no, just us," Eli stopped him. "It's just us today, big guy."
"But what will they eat?"
"Ela will fix something," Eli promised. "Put on your shoes."
Clay went to get his shoes and Cole's mother came downstairs. She gave Eli a big hug and made him promise to call if he needed anything. Then she went to say goodbye to Clay.
"You're leaving too?" Clay's face fell. "Are you dying?"
"No, no, I'm just going back to my home," she promised. "You can come and visit whenever you'd like."
"You'll be back? I can still see you?"
"Yes, I just live far away, like your grandpa," Cole's mom ran her hand through Clay's hair. "Be good for your papa, okay?"
"Okay, Ela. I love you," Clay gave her a big hug. "I'll come see you tomorrow maybe."
"Probably not that soon, but maybe not too long from now."
"Not too long, I promise," Clay insisted. He finished putting his shoes on and said goodbye one more time before they went to breakfast.
The house was eerily quiet when they got home. Flower was asleep on the couch and looked disappointed when they walked in, like it was the first time in weeks he'd finally gotten to sleep. Eli knew how he felt.
Clay played for a while but eventually stopped what he was doing and curled up on the floor. Eli rubbed his back until Clay turned over to look at him. He sniffled.
"Papa, why did everyone leave us?" Clay pouted.
"They just went back to their own houses, Clay. That's how it works. We go visit grandpa and then come back here, right?" Eli reminded him.
"But Cole's not coming back."
"Right, Cole's not coming back."
"I want everyone to come back," Clay crawled into his lap. "I'm lonely."
"Well, why don't we see if we can visit Gma tomorrow? Hannah and Chloe are there."
"Can we go now?"
"Let's go tomorrow and then we can stay longer," Eli suggested. "If we go now, we'll have to come back and go to bed so soon."
"Okay, good," Clay nodded. "Hannah is gonna be there?"
"Yeah, maybe Wes will come over too. Then you could play with everyone."
"Aiden let me play the Mario game last time," Clay started to cheer up. "Maybe we could get one to keep here?"
"You want a Wii?" Eli was tempted but Clay still had a creepy habit of becoming a total zombie when he got in front of a TV. It was too weird or Eli would have just ordered one. "Maybe we can ask Santa."
"Christmas is forever away."
"It's pretty far, but Santa will remember," Eli promised.
They went to the Bieber house the next day so Clay could run around with the kids and not be stuck home alone with Eli. It was a good day that felt very normal in a lot of ways. Eli was happy to see the kids running around, seeming unaffected by Cole's death.
"Brent's stopping by," Clara brought Eli a bottle of water and smoothed his hair away from his face. "Do you want anything to eat? I'm going to make the kids a snack."
"Yeah, I should eat something," Eli realized. "It's been since breakfast."
"I know," she smiled. "How are you doing on your own?"
"It's just so quiet," Eli admitted. "I feel like it shouldn't be this hard but it is."
"There's a lot going on."
"True," Eli heard Colin start to fuss and turned to pick him up, not really thinking first. The little boy snuggled into his chest. "Are you hungry?"
"Let me get you his bottle," Clara smiled. "It's about nap time."
When Colin was first born, Clay hadn't been at all interested in the baby but as he got a little older, Clay paid more attention to him. As soon as Eli sat down to feed him, Clay came running to watch and ask questions.
"What does that taste like?" Clay pointed. "Is it milk?"
"It's formula, you used to drink it when you were his size," Eli smiled. "Want to see a picture?"
"Yes. I drank that? Did I like it?"
"You loved it. You never stopped drinking. Get my phone," Eli leaned over so Clay could get his phone out of his pocket. Clay held it out for Eli to unlock.
"That's me? For real?"
"Yup, that's you. Look at the video," Eli swiped to the video and Clay pressed the play button. His face lit up.
"That's me and Adam!" Clay gasped. "Look, Uncle Brent, I was a baby!"
"Yeah, you were a big baby," Brent laughed, crossing the room. He scooped up Clay and sat down, scrolling through his own phone. "Look at this one."
"That's me too?" Clay turned to show Eli. It was a video of the day Chloe came home for the first time. "Who's that?"
"That's Chloe. And that's Hannah," Brent pointed everyone out.
"Uncle Cole!" Clay pointed. "He looks bigger there."
"He was, that's before he got sick," Brent nodded.
"He was bigger than you, Uncle Brent."
"Not really," Brent protested, a little too fast. Eli bit his tongue.
"Yes-huh, look."
"Let me see that," Brent grabbed his phone back. "Huh. Maybe a little. But that's just because Chloe was so sick and I didn't have time to work out. I'm way bigger now."
"Yeah. Papa you should work out more."
"It doesn't work that way," Eli rolled his eyes. He looked at Colin who was happily slurping down his bottle. Clay ran off when Hannah called him over.
"How are you?" Brent asked, slipping his arm around Eli to hug him.
"Hanging in there," Eli nodded. "How about you? How's Dax?"
"He's been in bed all day," Brent shook his head. "It's going to be hard for a while."
"Yeah, Adam left, so," Eli shrugged. "If you want to bring the kids over we'd love the company. Clay's not used to having such an empty house anymore."
"That would be good. Then I can keep an eye on you too," Brent laughed. "Adam told me he was leaving. He wants me to take care of you."
"That's funny."
"Why?"
"I don't know, I know he's having a hard time," Eli took a deep breath. "I'm trying not to let it get to me cause I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this but like, he didn't even kiss me goodbye."
"Ugh. I'd be upset too," Brent made a face. "But he really did tell me to take care of you. And look at this."
Eli looked at Brent's phone to read the texts Brent showed him. Brent had sent Adam a picture of Eli feeding Colin as Clay sat next to him watching. It was a really good picture too. Adam had texted back a whole string of hearts and a crying face but the texts he sent after that were what really got to Eli.
Adam: gah i need that in my life
Adam: srsly though that's my whole world right there
"Thank you," Eli took a deep breath. He looked at Colin, still sucking down his bottle but with droopy eyes. "I don't know, I'll just wait this out, I guess."
"Yeah, give everyone some time," Brent nodded. He started to say something else but Eli's phone rang.
"Ugh, it's my lawyer," Eli groaned. "Can you take him?"
"Sure," Brent took Colin so Eli could get up.
"Tell me you love me," Eli's lawyer said as soon as Eli answered his call.
"Uh, no?" Eli made a face.
"You're about to be a single man, Eli. I talked the judge into reducing your wait since it's already been so long," his lawyer went on. "I'm sending you some paperwork and then I just have to get Hunter to sign and you'll be free."
"Wow, that's it?" Eli felt a weight lift off his shoulders. "As soon as he signs?"
"Yes, that's all it takes at this point. You've been through enough," his lawyer paused. "So send them back to me the day you get them and I'll chase down your ex and then send copies your way."
"Done," Eli managed to smile for a second. "Thank you."
"You're very welcome. Talk to you soon."
Brent was busy burping Colin so when Eli hung up he took a second to breathe. It was the first thing that had gone right in his life in a while and he was going to hold onto that feeling as long as he could.
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Adam finished scrolling through his instagram feed and opened snapchat again. Eli hadn't posted anything new since he'd last checked 3 minutes earlier. Sighing, Adam reached for his joint.
Somehow he'd spent two months in Arizona with Cole's mom. At first all he did was sleep so it wasn't too hard to figure how how time passed so fast then. But after the first few weeks, Adam found himself writing songs and looking for ways to tell Cole's story without having to do any interviews.
Then one day he got a text from Clay. It was just his name so it wasn't until Eli explained that Clay was learning to spell his name that Adam understood. Then he felt like it was one of the best texts he'd ever gotten and told Eli that right away.
Eli: i may or may not have set the screenshot as my wallpaper
After that day, Adam started to feel homesick. He missed Eli and Clay and started checking updates every five minutes. That didn't mean he felt like he could go home though. Cole's mother was still having random crying spells. She acted like Adam had moved in permanently and he didn't have the heart to mention leaving.
Besides, the idea of being in his house again and not seeing Cole still made him ache. Worse was the idea that he would see where Cole had tried to erase himself from the house. The half empty closet and missing pictures on the walls. Just thinking about them was enough to keep Adam from bringing it up.
There was also the fact that Eli was acting strange. They texted, but never for very long. Usually it was all about Clay. Clay was a safe topic but even then Adam knew he wasn't getting the whole story. Eli only sent happy pictures and cute stories, things Adam could share with Cole's mom.
Adam refreshed his feeds again and the only new thing that popped up on Snapchat was from the actress dating Cole's crush. Every time one of her stories showed up, Adam meant to delete her but he ended up watching anyway. She'd seemed so nice and fun the night they hung out but in reality she was kind of a mess.
"I'm pregnant," she sobbed, holding up a test stick. "We are so happy!"
The next video was of her with her boyfriend. They did look happy and super in love. Adam sighed and put his phone down. It wasn't fair. Everyone could just go on with their lives, doing whatever they wanted but Adam was stuck.
"Adam?" Cole's mother came outside. Adam quickly stubbed out the joint. She'd told him she didn't mind but he still felt guilty smoking pot around her. "Why are you sitting out here alone?"
"It's nice out, now that the sun is gone," Adam pointed out. It was true, but that wasn't why he was outside.
"How's my baby today?" She sat down with him. By "her baby" she meant Clay, who was pretty far from being a baby anymore.
"He's good," Adam pulled up the shared album where Eli posted pictures every day. "Can you believe how much he's grown?"
"It happens so fast. Look at him!"
"Yeah," Adam watched her get teary-eyed as she scrolled through. She did it every time so he'd learned not to let it bother him.
"You must miss him so much."
"I do. I never thought he would mean this much to me but now I wonder all the time. Is he sleeping enough? Is he giving Eli a hard time?"
"That's what it means to be a parent," Cole's mother put her arm around him. "You should go back. Be with your baby and your boyfriend."
"Eli?" Adam felt his chest get tight. Guilt welled up in his stomach. How did she know? They'd tried so hard to keep it a secret.
"How many boyfriends do you have?" She laughed. "Yes, Eli."
"I, um, it's not-"
"It's okay, Adam. I knew all along."
"What? How?"
"I saw the way you looked at each other. You and Eli, Cole looking at the two of you," she smiled. "I know my son didn't want me to know, and I'm glad you tried to hide it. I think it would have made me mad to see it while Cole was so sick, but now? Now I'm just glad you won't be alone. You deserve someone like Eli after being so good to my boy."
Adam didn't know how he could have responded to that. He just started crying and that was the end of it. Cole's mom wrapped her arms around him and they both cried.
It took Adam a week before he felt like he could go and even then he wasn't sure he was ready. When Monroe offered to charter the flight, Adam agreed and didn't argue when Monroe insisted on paying too. He couldn't handle a public plane.
The flight only took an hour but it was a horrible hour. Adam smoked a huge joint just before he got on the plane, hoping it would knock him out. Instead, he worried the whole time. What if it was too soon to go back? What if Eli had changed his mind? What if Clay didn't remember him? What if being in the house hurt too much?
By the time the plane landed, Adam's hands were shaking so bad he could barely pick up his bag. He was glad to see one of the band's bodyguards get on the plane to help him until he realized that if the bodyguard was there that meant the fans were too. It was the first time in his life he really hated them.
The crowd was so loud that Adam couldn't even fake being glad to see them. He didn't stop to talk to anyone or make eye contact. They got through the airport in record time and Adam found himself climbing into the passenger seat of Eli's car just minutes after the plane door opened.
"Hey," Eli looked like he wanted to say more but he just looked at Adam, studying his face. "Do you have everything?"
"Yeah," Adam slipped his sunglasses off. Eli looked away just after their eyes met.
"Alright," Eli put the car in drive without another word.
"Where's Clay?"
"With Brent. I wasn't sure if you were ready to see him yet."
"Thanks," Adam took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Eli seemed distant. Maybe he really had changed his mind. What if that was the real reason he hadn't brought Clay with him to the airport? "How, uh, how are you?"
"I'm okay," Eli didn't say anything else. He was quiet for a few minutes. "How was the flight?"
"Short," Adam wanted to admit how nervous he was but he couldn't bring himself to keep talking. Everything he wanted to say sounded so stupid and desperate. Especially since they were about to go back to the house he hadn't been in since Cole died.
Adam expected a flood of emotions as they pulled into the neighborhood but the weight never came. Instead, he couldn't wait to get inside the house. The feeling of coming home was overwhelming
Without thinking, Adam turned to Eli and wrapped him in a big hug. He held on for a long time, too long, the familiar smell of Eli's skin reminding Adam how safe he was.
"I've missed you so much," Eli whispered.
"I missed you too," Adam wasn't ready to open his eyes. After all the fears he'd had on the plane it seemed like his world had finally stopped spinning.
It felt like ages passed as Adam stood there. His eyes watered but he never actually cried. He just felt very, very tired. Then he felt Eli's phone vibrating and pulled away.
"I'm so sorry, it's..." Eli started to apologize but Adam shook his head.
"It's fine. I'm going to bed," Adam picked up his bag. He wasn't sure he could even make it up the stairs but he did. By the time he collapsed into his bed he barely noticed that he'd automatically gone to what had always been his side of the bed.
He noticed when he woke up, reaching for Cole and finding the empty bed. It was a reality he remembered every time he woke up. Cole was gone. Forever.
Some days that realization broke him and he stayed in bed until he felt strong enough to get up. That day, well, evening, he could get up anyway. He could hear Clay and felt his heart skip a little at the thought that Eli was there too.
Adam opened the door and found his suitcases waiting for him. Eli must have brought them up while he slept. He dragged them into the room and left them.
Downstairs, dinner was on the table but Clay jumped up the second he saw Adam and came running. Flower beat him, jumping up for Adam to pet him, but moved away as Clay got closer.
"Adam, I missed you!" Clay flung himself into Adam's arms. He looked about the same as before, maybe a little taller, but he was losing the baby talk sounds on his words.
"I missed you too," Adam met Eli's eyes as he hugged Clay. The feelings were so strong Adam almost looked away. He loved them. More than he'd ever admitted to himself before.
"Did Cole come back too?" Clay moved so he was looking Adam right in the eyes. Adam felt his chest lock up, as if to let him know he was done breathing for the moment.
"No, Clay. Cole died," Adam could almost feel Eli's reaction to the question and Adam's answer.
"Yeah, I know but," Clay frowned. "He can't come back. But could he be not dead now so he can?"
"No, that's not how it works. Let's finish our dinner," Eli took Clay from Adam, earning a yelp of protest.
"Can we be dead too? So we can be with Cole?" Clay asked as Eli set him on his chair.
"No!" Eli gasped. "Clay, baby, it doesn't work that way."
"Papa, I don't like it," Clay shook his head. "I wanna sit next to Adam."
"Adam might not be having his dinner right now," Eli sat down and Adam realized he was still standing near the entrance to the kitchen.
He wanted to walk over and sit with them, to tell Clay it was okay and that he could talk about Cole as much as he wanted. He wanted to eat dinner, knowing that if Eli cooked it was bound to be delicious. He wanted more than anything, when Eli looked up at him, to cross the room and kiss him. Hard.
But he couldn't. The longer Adam watched them the more guilty he felt. It was too soon to feel so much for another man, even if it was Eli and the feelings weren't entirely new.
More than that, it was the expression on Eli's face that kept Adam frozen in place. He looked at Adam with such longing, as if he knew what Adam was thinking. Or maybe Eli had his own list of things he wanted to say and do and he was holding back just as hard as Adam.
"I, um, I just need to," Adam fought to find the words but couldn't think of how to explain. He needed what? How could he even start to admit the problem was just that he wanted Eli too much?
"Of course, whatever you need," Eli nodded, the look still on his face. He turned to Clay without waiting to hear anything else from Adam.
"Um, okay," Adam took a deep breath and turned to go back upstairs.
Flower followed him to the bedroom and curled up on the foot of the bed in his spot, heaving a sigh like he'd been waiting ages to get there. The little dog was asleep a minute later. Adam watched him and wished it were so simple for him too.
"I'm sorry, Cole, I can't do it," Adam whispered. He closed his eyes, wishing he felt closer to Cole when he talked to him. Mostly he just felt crazy.
But not as crazy as he felt wanting to be with Eli when Cole had only been gone two and a half months. That was wrong, wasn't it? He was still crying himself to sleep every night because he missed Cole so much. How could he feel anything for Eli let alone be in love with him?
Maybe Cole had been more of a barrier than Adam knew. They'd all been so careful around each other, Adam never wanting to make either man feel jealous or bad about the other. Without Cole in the next room or able to walk in at any second that feeling was gone.
But Adam wasn't exactly whole and healed. He didn't feel like he ever would be either, no matter how many times his therapist, Pastor Ben, Jeff and Monroe and even Cole's own mother insisted he would get to a point where he could go on with his life. Deep down, Adam had always known losing Cole would make him feel broken in a way that could never heal. So why did he have such strong feelings for Eli? And how?
Because he was Eli, a little voice in the back of Adam's mind reminded him. It had never made any sense and wouldn't start just because Adam was asking questions. Or maybe especially because Adam was asking questions. He didn't know. All he knew was it wasn't okay. Not yet.
Besides, Eli was still married. After everything Adam had already sorted through in his mind, that was the other issue he couldn't get past. Cole was gone but Hunter wasn't. Not legally.
The look on Eli's face, that sense of longing, haunted Adam for the rest of the night. He heard Eli bringing Clay upstairs for bed and all the ruckus the little boy made as Eli got him ready to sleep. When the house got quiet again, Adam heard footsteps in the hall. He held his breath when they got close to the door but Eli didn't knock.
Adam heard a soft scraping noise and looked over to see a folded sheet of paper slid under the door. He waited, still holding his breath until he heard the footsteps leave again. Even then he made himself wait until he just couldn't take it anymore to get up and see what the note said.
It shouldn't have been anything special. To anyone else it would have been just a child's drawing. But there were three crayon shapes on the page and Eli's familiar handwriting labeling each shape. One was Clay, one was Eli and one was Adam. On the back of the paper, Eli had written the only thing that made the drawing everything.
"Welcome home," Adam whispered, running his finger over the words. Tears filled his eyes. "Why does it still feel like home without you, Cole?"
There was no answer, because there never would be. Adam put the drawing on his dresser where he could see it no matter where he was in the room. He got one of Cole's shirts out and put it on before he went downstairs to eat. All he really knew was that he needed more time before he could let himself be around Eli again. Just until all the guilt was gone.
-------------------------------
"Still nothing?" Eli groaned into his phone. "Still?"
"I've tried everything, Eli," his lawyer sighed. "I'm sorry, the only thing we can do now is wait."
"But he promised me," Eli protested. He felt like a broken record. "Hunter swore he wouldn't make it hard on me."
"Well, he must have a different idea about what that means," the lawyer cleared his throat. "I'll keep on it and let you know when I hear something."
"Thank you," Eli hung up, feeling lower than he had in ages.
"What now?" Maddox didn't even give him a second to process the call.
"Nothing, they still can't find Hunter," Eli rolled his eyes. "Kelly won't even give me a hint about where he might be or why he's not returning anyone's calls."
"Me neither, I tried," Maddox shook his head. "I- Chloe! Get down!"
"I'm not too high!" Chloe shouted back, climbing to the next shelf. Clay was watching and Eli could practically see him thinking about following her.
"Clay, I swear," Eli warned him. Clay turned around, his eyes as wide as if he'd been caught actually doing something wrong. They got wider still as Maddox crossed the room to lift Chloe down from the bookcase.
Chloe let out the most piercing shriek Eli had ever heard from her and then she was in full on tantrum mode. Clay ran to Eli's side and nearly crawled into his lap he got so close.
"Papa, she's mad," Clay whispered.
"I can see that," Eli hadn't seen Chloe throw a tantrum in a long time and wondered if she was getting sick. He felt Clay's forehead just to be sure. "Do you feel okay, bud?"
"Yeah, but Hannah's upset too," Clay pouted. Sure enough, Hannah had gotten out her noise cancelling headphones. It was so extra Eli couldn't help but think it was cute. She'd always been sensitive to noise and it was a perfect solution, just...maybe a little much.
"Sorry, I have no idea what's gotten into her," Maddox apologized when Chloe took off to her room. He looked a little shocked.
"Could she be coming down with something?" Eli suggested. "Clay feels a little warm to me."
"She must be," Maddox shook his head. "That's the only thing I can think of. Anyway, what were we saying?"
"I don't remember," Eli shrugged. "What are you up to tomorrow? Do you think we can do the aquarium?"
"Yeah, if I don't have a sick kiddo," Maddox nodded. "Brent is filming so we're free."
"Perfect. Anything to keep this one busy."
School was between sessions and Clay was home all day every day. It wouldn't have been so bad except that ever since Cole's funeral, Clay had decided being home with just Eli was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He seemed to think it was his job to make sure the huge empty house was never silent. Ever.
They got home from Dax's house that night after dinner and Flower was waiting for them at the door. It was the only proof Eli could find that Adam had opened his bedroom door that day. That and the faintest smell of pot smoke in the hall outside Adam's room. It was just faint enough that Eli almost thought he was imagining it.
"Papa, how come Adam doesn't like us anymore?" Clay asked as Eli tucked him into bed. "He never comes out of his room."
"He's just sad," Eli hoped he was right. "He still likes us."
"How do you know?"
"Well, because it's hard to stop liking someone as lovable as you," Eli reached down to tickle Clay and luckily that distracted Clay from asking anymore questions.
The truth was that Eli wasn't sure what Adam was thinking or feeling. He'd thought it was a good sign for Adam to be back in the house but when he didn't see Adam again after the day he got back, it was too hard to guess what might be going through his mind.
Part of him was busy adding up all the reasons he and Adam wouldn't work out. After all, their relationship only started because Cole wanted them together. What if Adam didn't want to stick with it since Cole was gone?
In a lot of ways they still didn't really know each other that well. In the past, Adam had come to Eli when he needed help or advice for what to do with Cole. But that was about Cole. If Adam was having second thoughts about being with Eli he probably wouldn't talk to Eli about it.
Still, Eli didn't want to give up hope. He didn't want to believe any of the things he'd felt from Adam were just gone, like they'd never mattered. After he got Clay to bed, he slipped another note under Adam's door.
When Eli first started with the notes he'd just wanted to make sure Adam was getting out of bed. But then Eli knew Adam was getting up because he could tell Adam was eating the meals Eli left him in the fridge. He kept writing Adam notes after that because it felt more personal than texting him. Like he could get his feelings out in a way he just couldn't over text. Since Adam kept reading them, Eli kept writing them.
He settled into bed after that, ready to scroll mindlessly through his accounts until he found something to entertain him until he fell asleep. But Eli'd only been in bed a little while when his door opened and he heard Clay sniffling.
"Oh no, what's wrong?" Eli sat up and turned his light on.
"Papa, I threw up," Clay started crying harder. "It hurts."
"Aww, Clay," Eli took one look at his son's sad face and just melted. He got up and carried Clay to the bathroom to get him into a bath.
"No, Papa, cuddle me," Clay pleaded when Eli turned the water on. "I'm cold."
"You have a fever," Eli didn't need the thermometer to know but he got it out anyway. Sure enough, Clay had a low fever. "Let's have a cool bath and get some clean jammies."
"I don't wanna," Clay kept crying until he was sick. At least they were already in the bathroom and Eli could point Clay at the toilet.
It took all of Eli's energy to get Clay through a bath and to take medicine for his fever. He couldn't even make himself go into Clay's room to get clean pajamas and instead put Clay in one of his old shirts. Clay curled up on Eli's chest and passed out almost as soon as his fever came down.
By then Eli was so hot and sweaty he didn't want to sleep at all let alone have Clay in bed with him all night. He dragged himself down the hall to clean Clay's room and found the bed freshly made with clean sheets and a trash can sitting on the floor near Clay's pillow. Eli pinched himself but he wasn't dreaming.
With fresh hope fueling him, Eli went back to his room to get Clay. The poor little guy was so fast asleep he didn't even wake up when Eli carried him back to his own bed. Eli kissed his forehead and left the door open a crack so he could hear if Clay woke up in the night.
He didn't hear Clay that night but Eli did hear Adam. It was around 3 when Adam came upstairs and went to his room. After that, Eli didn't hear anything else. Clay didn't even wake up until almost 9 and Eli knew that meant he was really sick.
A quick text to Dax told Eli that it was just Clay. Chloe was fine and in rare form, so much that Dax said he would have cancelled their aquarium trip anyway. Eli wasn't sure how Clay was the only sick kid of the group but he let it go and called Clay's doctor to find out if they needed to make an appointment.
Eli got Clay settled on the couch in a little nest of blankets and they settled in for the day. They'd only made it into their second movie when the doorbell rang. Eli almost didn't answer it but he knew it had to be important because no one was allowed in their gated community.
"Eli Warren?" the delivery man asked. Eli nodded. "Sign here."
"What is this?" Eli took the big envelope. The man shrugged.
"I just deliver."
Eli sighed where he was told and went back inside. Clay was staring at the TV and didn't seem to notice Eli had even moved so Eli opened the envelope and pulled out the biggest stack of papers he'd seen in a while.
"Oh no way," Eli could barely breathe when he realized they were the divorce papers. He flipped to the signature pages. Hunter had signed them. Every single one.
For a few seconds, Eli sat down with Clay and just tried to let it sink in, not sure he could breathe. Then he called his lawyer. He had to be sure he was actually seeing what he was seeing.
"Congratulations, your divorce is final," his lawyer told him when Eli asked. Eli looked at the stack of documents, his hands shaking.
"Wow," Eli bit his tongue. "Completely and totally?"
"100%, it's over," his lawyer laughed. "Wait until you get my bill, then it will feel real."
"Yeah," Eli ran his fingers through Clay's hair. "And he can't change the custody paperwork?"
"Everything in final, Eli. You never have to see or worry about Hunter ever again. This is all completely locked down. Done."
"Alright," Eli nodded. "Thank you. For everything."
"No problem."
Eli hung up the phone and closed his eyes. After all the time it had taken with the lawyers and the courts he'd expected to feel relieved now that it was all over. Instead he felt sick, like he'd been kicked in the stomach.
"Papa, it hurts," Clay moaned.
"I know, baby," Eli bent to kiss him. Clay's forehead was hot again. "Let's have some more water and tylenol."
"I don't feel good," Clay buried his face in Eli's lap so Eli couldn't force the straw into his mouth.
"This will help, I promise. Let's try it, even if it's hard."
"No," Clay moaned again and bent over the trashcan next to the couch..
"Aw, baby," Eli sighed and rubbed his back. Clay hated throwing up and he cried every time.
"Is he okay?" Adam's raspy voice startled Eli. It was the first time Eli had seen him since that first day he'd been home.
"It's only a virus," Eli insisted. "The doctor said to keep his fever down and wait it out."
"Papa, make it stop," Clay sobbed. He wiped his face on Eli's shirt and clung to him, each little sob breaking Eli's heart a little more.
"He seems miserable," Adam sat down with them. Eli looked him over. His face was thinner and there were dark circles under his red eyes. It was hard to say who looked worse - Adam or Clay.
"Yeah, I think he is," Eli nodded.
Adam reached over to rub Clay's back. Clay pushed his hand away.
"No, go away," Clay picked his head up. "You always leaving, just go."
"Sorry," Eli shook his head. "He's just upset."
"I get it," Adam sighed. He picked up Clay's water. "Can you drink some water, Rotten?"
"No," Clay turned his head away.
"Would you rather have Sprite?"
"Maybe," Clay turned back to peek at Adam.
"I'll get you some Sprite," Adam got up and brought Clay back a sippy cup full of Sprite. "I found butterfly crackers too."
"Those are Cole's," Clay frowned. Eli's heart dropped. No matter how much they'd talked about it, Clay still couldn't understand that death was forever.
"I know where to buy more," Adam promised, before Eli could come up with the right answer. "Sharing is better, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Clay took one of the crackers from Adam and bit into it. Crumbs went everywhere but he finished the cracker and had a sip of Sprite.
"Now the good stuff," Adam picked up the medicine spoon.
"No," Clay hid his face again.
"Yeah, come on, Clay," Adam didn't seem thrown off even a little by Clay's refusal. Eli pushed Clay away from him and lifted him so he could make him face Adam. "Take it real quick and then you can have more Sprite."
"Papa, please no," Clay was on the verge of crying again. He opened his mouth to protest some more and Adam got the spoon in his mouth.
"Swallow," Eli coached, rubbing Clay's arm. "It's all done now, baby boy."
"I don't want it," Clay cried even though he'd already swallowed all the medicine.
"Here, rinse it down," Adam held up his Sprite. Clay took a break from crying to drink the Sprite. He took the cup from Adam and kept taking little sips in between sobs and wiping his face on Eli's shirt.
It took a while but Clay cried himself to sleep and Eli managed to slip him off his lap and tuck him under a thin blanket on the couch. He stood up and stretched, relieved to be free from holding Clay after so long.
"I've got it," Adam insisted, picking up the dirty trash can before Eli could reach it.
"Are you sure?" Eli wanted to grab it back but he couldn't decide why.
"Yeah, I'm used to this," Adam shrugged. "It's weird what I miss, I always thought I'd be so happy not having to clean up after Cole anymore."
"It was bad for a while, wasn't it?" Eli gave him a sad smile. Adam and Cole tried to hide it from everyone but Eli knew toward the end Cole had a hard time keeping food down, among other things.
"It wasn't really that bad," Adam shrugged. He put the trash can in the sink to rinse it out. "Nothing I couldn't handle, I mean. It was scary sometimes but I kind of knew what I was getting into."
"You were really good with Clay just now," Eli decided to change the subject. He wasn't sure what else to say. Adam put a clean bag in the trash can.
"I don't know how you stay so calm. He just seems so little and upset, I wish I could do more."
"Yeah, I hate seeing him like that," Eli sighed. "Especially when he's begging me to make it stop and I can't do anything."
"I know the feeling," Adam's eyes went dark. He turned to Eli. "Give me your shirt."
"What?" Eli frowned.
"Your shirt, it's kind of gross," Adam pointed. Eli looked down at the vomit stains and crumbs Clay had left on him. "I'll put it in the wash if you want to go shower."
"Oh, um, okay," Eli nodded. He took a deep breath and reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head as carefully as he could so he didn't get more of Clay's mess on himself.
"Regular wash? This isn't made of like silkworm spit or anything, right?"
"No, just cheapass cotton. Um, but thank you."
"Sure," Adam nodded. He looked at Eli and then let his eyes drop, running them down his body. Eli caught himself watching Adam's hands and wishing Adam would reach for him, touch him. How long had he been waiting?
"I'll um, just be right back," Eli managed to say. Adam's eyes flew up, meeting his, and his cheeks turned bright pink.
"Okay, yeah."
Neither one of them moved. Eli had to bite his tongue to keep from leaning forward to kiss him.
"Clay," Adam cleared his throat. "I'll watch him. While you go shower."
"Thanks," Eli felt spell break at the mention of his son's name. He smiled and backed away before he went upstairs.
With the shower running, Eli leaned on the sink to look at his reflection. The stress of the past few months had worked to his advantage and so had all the miles he'd clocked letting Brent drag him up hills. His body was in the best shape of his life.
If only the rest of him looked as good. Eli glared at his hair which he obviously hadn't touched in days since the only person he'd been around was Clay. He may have been quick to notice the circles under Adam's eyes but he had his own.
Eli turned away from the mirror and yanked his sweats off - the same ones he'd been wearing for days. When had he gotten so careless? Was that why Hunter left? No wonder Adam was hiding in his room.
Furious at himself, Eli got in the shower and stood under the hot water. He'd tried to imagine what it would be like when he and Adam were both single but somehow in all his dreams he'd forgotten to imagine this part, the time when Adam was destroyed over Cole's death and he was - what was he?
Confused. Maybe that was the best word for it. Or lost. Eli wanted to be happy, to feel lighter or maybe somehow whole again knowing that everything with Hunter was finished. There was nothing left to argue about. So why didn't he feel okay?
Eli reached for the shampoo, taking his frustration out on his scalp. He watched the suds roll down his arms and chest. As he looked at his stomach he could picture Adam's face, the way Adam had stared at his body, blushing when he realized Eli had caught him.
Without giving it much thought, Eli's hand drifted down over his stomach and closed around his slowly hardening cock. It didn't take much to get him going after so long without anyone touching him. He and Adam had messed around a little but even those times were just crazy intense makeout sessions. They'd only gone further one time and of course that was the time Maddox and Brent walked in on them.
The memory of Adam's tongue running the length of his cock was enough. Everything else Eli could imagine. And soon enough he was dropping his head back as he shot his load on the shower wall.
"Fuck," Eli sighed. He took a moment to recover before he pointed the showerhead at the wall to clean it up. Would it ever be more than just fantasy? Or was everything he thought he had with Adam just a temporary solution, something that seemed so perfect when it was out of reach but that would never actually work?
Eli finished cleaning up and rinsed off before he got out of the shower and put on clean clothes. He did his hair, at least well enough to make it look like he wasn't trying, and went downstairs.
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A/N: I'm sorry, y'all, I seriously am. I'm doing my best but wow, I'm writing really slow right now. I don't think I've ever had such a hard time writing before but I hope to be past that soon. Anyway, love you if you're still reading :)