Adam got out of the shower that night and was met with the glorious sight that was his husband at their double sink in nothing but his long boxer briefs. After being married a few years Adam kept thinking he would get over it. Or at least become immune to Cole's sculpted muscles and tattooed skin. Somehow it hadn't happened yet.
"You like anything you see here?" Coke had caught him looking.
"Maybe some people are into all that, but I'm honestly a little..." Adam pretended he had to find the right word.
"What? Don't tell me," Cole had a knowing smirk on his face. "You'd rather have a guy who looks like he doesn't try that much when we all know he has to be working his juicy ass off."
"Uh, what?" Adam couldn't stop himself, he immediately pictured Eli. He fought it back. "I was gonna say horny."
"Okay then. Well good, cause I'm trying to get stuffed tonight."
"Charming."
"Wanna blow off this party so we can stay in?" Cole came forward, reaching for Adam's towel.
"Hands off. We can't skip my album release party," Adam dodged and got around Cole. He had to smile though. It was such a relief to feel like he and Cole were finally on the same page. Everything was going so well, Adam felt like he should pinch himself.
Complexx's album release party that night was the biggest one yet. Adam spent most of the night smiling for pictures with people he was sure he'd never met and would never be able to remember. It was fun, but it wasn't his favorite part of his job.
"What's your favorite part?" Cole looked so curious that Adam wondered if they'd really never talked about it before.
"Honestly?" Adam thought for a second. "Talking to fans. The small groups though, where you can actually have a conversation. Not when they're screaming at me and crying and all that. Like I can take a few tears and all but it's best when they calm down and can tell me like, their story or their favorite song."
"That is 100% exactly like you," Cole grinned. "I like that too, but I think I like being on stage more. Putting on a show."
"I think I would like that more if we had smaller shows," Adam thought back to the early days. "It would be-"
"Sorry," Cole interrupted. "Mom's called like 3 times."
"Oh no," Adam braced himself to hear Lucas's latest fuck up.
What Cole's mom had to say was worse than Adam could have ever guessed. Alaina, the girl carrying Lucas's baby had gone into labor 2 months early. She said the doctors were going to try and put a stop to it, but that Dax and Brent should get there right away.
Fortunately, Arizona wasn't a long flight. Cole and Adam went with Brent, Maddox and Hannah to the hospital where they found out that the baby, Chloe, was already born. The reason? Alaina was still doing meth, even though she was pregnant. She swore she'd only done it once but Adam refused to trust an addict. Especially since Lucas was involved.
"I can't believe this is happening," Cole whispered as they looked through the thick glass window at Maddox and Brent, standing over the tiniest baby Adam had ever seen. It - she - barely even looked human. Chloe was barely 4.5 pounds. Her hand wasn't even big enough to go all the way around Maddox's finger.
"Dat Ko-ey?" Hannah put her finger up to the window. "Baby siser. So peety."
"What's that?" Adam couldn't figure out what she was saying. "That's Chloe."
"Ko-ey mine now. Comin home."
"Not today," Adam saw the confused look on Hannah's face. It faded quickly.
"Ko-ey sick. Dada fix it."
"They're going to try," Adam nodded. He wasn't sure if it was possible but how could he say that to Hannah?
"This shouldn't be happening to them," Cole hadn't taken his eyes off Chloe since the social worker had shown them over to the NICU.
"I know, we should have..." Adam stopped before he finished his thought. Cole put his arm around Adam and kissed Hannah's cheek.
"Are you hungry, little one?"
"No," Hannah patted Cole's cheek. "See Ko-ey? Mine siser."
"Yes, I see Chloe," Cole nodded.
"Dada cryin?"
"Look who's here," Cole turned Hannah away from the window just as Brent hid his face to cry. Maddox's mom Clara and his sister Emily were coming down the hall. Emily was busy signing paperwork which she handed off to the hospital worker before she went right into the nursery.
"Gma," Hannah's face lit up. "See Ko-ey!"
"That's right," Clara took Hannah from Adam. "I'm here to see Chloe. Look how sweet your baby sister is."
"Siser. So peety."
"She is pretty, you're right. The most beautiful baby in the room," Clara obviously spoke toddler way better than Adam. Hannah looked so proud.
"Why sad?"
"Because Chloe's sick and it makes daddies sad when their babies are sick," Clara didn't even hesitate.
"Can hug Dada?"
"As soon as he comes out here. I bet he would like that a lot."
"My mom is asking about Chloe," Cole looked at his phone. "What do I even say?"
"Just tell her the truth," Clara kissed Hannah's forehead. "Facts only. She'll be devastated enough."
"What about the fact my brother is a useless-"
"She already knows," Clara interrupted before Cole could finish his sentence. "She doesn't need that from you right now."
Brent came out of the nursery a few minutes later and took Hannah. She asked him all the same questions she'd just asked Clara. Brent said pretty much the same thing as Clara, he just looked lost and unsure.
"We should go," Cole took Adam's hand. "We need to talk to my mom."
Adam didn't want to leave but Brent gave him a hug and promised to keep him updated if there was any news. He still had the same lost look on his face, like he didn't even know what to feel. Adam felt his heart breaking as he took one last look at Chloe before he and Cole left.
"We made the wrong choice," Adam got into the car with Cole. "We should never have put them through this."
"I know what you mean. It's not our fault though, Adam, don't start that," Cole squeezed his hand. "We had to think about the future."
"I am, I'm thinking I can't handle it if she doesn't make it," Adam broke down. "We could have saved them all this pain."
"I love you so much for thinking that, but can we blame the real problem here? I'm going to skin my brother alive."
"I'd better not see him."
"Imagine seeing him in the rearview mirror though. As we leave his ass at some military school."
"Hm," Adam wasn't going to believe it until he saw it.
No matter what Cole said, Adam couldn't shake the guilt. He just kept picturing the tiny baby, so small she could fit in one of Maddox's hands. She was so small and helpless. What were the odds she could survive? What if she didn't?
Over the next week, Adam visited the hospital every day. He did anything he could - helping with Hannah, running little errands. Every report from the doctor was good and Chloe seemed to get stronger by the day. That did nothing to help Adam with his guilt. Especially the more he watched Brent and Dax together.
Maddox seemed okay, at least on the outside. Brent was shutting down. He only smiled when he looked at Hannah. Sometimes Adam caught him crying when he held Chloe but it didn't last long. Anytime he got too emotional Brent withdrew further. Dax mentioned briefly that Brent was running again and Adam guessed from his tone that it was the closest Brent came to dealing with his feelings.
Adam had to get back to L.A. for work after two weeks. They still had a new album to promote and a tour to plan. Cole stayed behind to help get Lucas settled into a boarding school. He texted Adam a video of himself leaving Lucas in his dorm room and driving away from the school.
It was Valentine's day before they were able to bring Chloe home. Adam showed up to Brent and Maddox's house, expecting to find Eli and Maddox's older sister having their usual power struggle over who was in charge of organizing. But Kylie was in control and Eli was nowhere to be found at first.
Adam found Eli a few minutes later, sitting in a corner, staring off into space. Hunter was next to him, smiling at baby Clay, who looked like he was twice the size as when Adam first met him. Clay was drinking a bottle but seemed startled by every new sound he heard. The contrast between Hunter and Eli could not have been more obvious. Hunter looked great and Eli looked...empty. They both looked exhausted.
Cole nudged Adam, as if to point out that he was staring. Adam felt his face get warm but he ignored it. They went to sit down in the family room and the only open seats were close to Eli and Hunter. Eli seemed to wake up as they got close and he smiled at Adam, earning a look of surprise from Hunter and then a glare.
"How are they? How is she?" Eli started firing off questions. Adam took a deep breath before he tried to answer, knowing full well that everyone in the room was listening. He repeated the same information he knew everyone had already heard and was relieved when the front door opened and Maddox and Brent walked in.
The afternoon didn't make Adam feel much better about how Brent and Dax were handling the situation. Brent was still closed off, almost avoiding Chloe. The only thing worse was when Eli held Chloe and Adam saw more emotion in his eyes than when he looked at Clay.
"It's the first time we've really gotten to leave the house," Hunter was talking to Adam, he looked around to be sure, but Adam didn't know why. "I had to pick out his clothes for him and do his hair."
"Well, um, that's part of having a baby I guess," Adam searched the room for Cole, hoping someone would rescue him.
"I meant Eli," Hunter stepped in front of Adam, as if to keep all Adam's attention on him. "He's not doing well. It thought it would go away but it hasn't and Clay is almost 6 weeks old."
"Oh, wow."
"He gave you the first real smile I've seen in weeks."
Adam didn't know what he was supposed to say to that or why Hunter wouldn't look away. He felt sweat forming on the back of his neck. But why did he feel guilty? It wasn't like he'd done anything wrong.
"Have you talked to anyone? Like, um, maybe he needs counseling," Adam's mouth felt dry.
"I think that's obvious now."
"So, um, that sounds like the right thing then."
"You're not good enough for him, Adam. You never will be."
"I, um, I'm not," Adam tried to make his brain calm down. "I don't know what you're saying."
"Yeah, you do," Hunter kept staring for a few more seconds before he turned away. Adam watched him go to Eli, putting his arm around him. Eli turned and kissed Hunter, just like he always did. If he was struggling as much as Hunter believed, it obviously came in waves.
Having Brent and Dax back home meant Adam could keep an eye on them for himself. He stopped by when he could, hoping each time that everything would be back to normal. Chloe was doing well, growing faster than the doctors expected. But the divide between Dax and Brent was growing too.
"Look how cute this is," Brent held up a dress one afternoon while they were out shopping. "Hannah might need this."
"That's very cute," Adam always felt a little weird surrounded by dresses. It felt obvious he didn't belong in that section of the store. "Aw, look, they have one Chloe's size too."
"Hm."
"I'm getting it for her," Adam decided when Brent moved on without taking the preemie size dress.
"What about your almighty budget?"
"The budget looks way different these days," Adam ignored him and ended up picking up 5 other things for Chloe. Brent ignored this until they went to go their separate ways and Adam handed him the bag.
"Thank you," Brent looked so sad. "It means a lot, Adam. I'm really trying to be strong but..."
"I get it," Adam could see the tears in Brent's eyes. "I just want to help."
"You are. More than you know."
Adam wanted to believe that but as the months passed, he didn't see a change in Brent's behavior. Just like always, from the outside their family looked perfect. But so did Eli's. Adam wondered if anyone else noticed the dead look in Eli's eyes, even when he smiled.
---------------------------
"Eli, this is Jared from PerezHilton.com. Can you comment on this video of Dax and Brent?"
"I have no comment," Eli could hear another call waiting.
"So you can't tell us if it's really them?"
"I have no comment," Eli repeated and hung up. He turned to Hunter, who was working at their kitchen table, one hand jingling Clay's toy keys and the other on his laptop. "Why is Perez Hilton calling me about a video?"
"Shit. Eli, I can't-"
"Fuck your rules," Eli ignored the wide-eyed look he got from Clay. "What video?"
"It's a sex tape. It just went live for 20 seconds, that's all. I'm trying to make sure all the copies are destroyed. Not many people saw it, right now it's still under the radar. Or it was, but if Perez Hilton is..."
"I'm going to see them," Eli grabbed his keys.
"Babe, hang on," Hunter stopped what he was doing. "You cannot say a word to them. There's a chance I can contain this."
"You can't ask me to do that."
"I can and I am. Please Eli, let me do my job."
"This is ridiculous. You can't honestly expect me not to warn my best friend that this is happening."
"Please?" Hunter tried to meet Eli's eyes. "Can you take Clay with you?"
"Fine," Eli grabbed the diaper bag. The look on Hunter's face told Eli he was surprised that he'd agreed to take Clay. Normally Eli couldn't handle it. Hiding the guilt he felt over not bonding with Clay like he was supposed to usually wore him out too much.
It wasn't that he didn't love Clay, because he did. Most of the time. But there were times when Eli was just so overwhelmed he couldn't even handle seeing how happy Clay was to see him. Watching that little face light up was supposed to make his heart melt. Eli just felt annoyed.
"Puh puh puh," Clay said the same nonsense syllable over and over as Eli hooked him into his carseat. "No no no no no."
"Yeah, we're leaving," Eli reminded himself he was supposed to talk to Clay. "Let's put your seatbelt on and then Papa is going to get in the car."
"Dada?"
"Dada has to work," Eli moved his hands away from Clay. He didn't trust himself to touch the baby while he was so mad at Hunter. How could he even ask Eli to keep the video a secret? What right did he have to get between him and his best friend that way?
"Dada hasawoo," Clay repeated and went on to baby talk.
"Right," Eli took a deep breath and finished hooking Clay into the car.
He didn't talk to Clay while they drove. Eli knew that was bad, but he didn't even know what to say. Clay babbled to himself the whole time, never saying a real word. Hunter thought it was adorable but Eli mostly found it annoying. He missed having quiet time to think.
Maybe the hardest part was knowing he shouldn't feel the way he did. Clay was almost 11 months old but Eli could still remember how excited he was to have a baby and meet Clay for the first time. He'd waited and waited to fall in love with the massive chunk of an infant, the one who clearly adored him. It never happened.
At first, everyone said that what Eli was experiencing was normal. He was exhausted from lack of sleep and it took time to bond with a new baby, even one you wanted and wished for as much as Eli had. But after it went on for a while, Hunter insisted Eli talk to their counselor.
"It's quite common in adoptive parents to have a little bit of the baby blues, but when it goes on as long as yours has then it's a little more serious," the counselor had explained. "It's not a recognized condition, but we usually refer to it as Post-Adoption Depression. I can prescribe a low dose of-"
"I'm already on meds," Eli sighed. "I'm not taking anything else."
That had been the end of the conversation six months earlier. But they were getting closer to Christmas and Clay's first birthday and Eli had a feeling he was going to have to give in. He looked at the top of Clay's head in the rearview mirror. Clay seemed oblivious to his feelings but Eli knew that wouldn't last. At some point he was going to realize Eli was the worst father in the world.
"I'm sorry you got stuck with me," Eli apologized. Clay paused, as if listening. "You could have had someone better."
Clay responded with a string of incoherent babble. He ended with "Dada, Dada."
"Dada's at home working. Papa is here, but you don't have to say my name," Eli sighed. Clay had never said his name, even though Hunter coached him all the time . "I'm not really worth talking about."
Eli took Clay into the house, letting him walk because it was slower that way and it gave him more time to put on the right face before he saw Dax and Brent. They were in the sunroom, at the piano.
"Hey big guy!" Brent seemed excited to see Clay, reminding Eli once again that he was deficient for not being happy to see his own son.
"Hi," Clay waved. He let go of Eli's hands and could stand there on his own.
"Hello, Clay, how are you?" Maddox bent down so he was looking Clay in the eyes and Clay gave him a big smile.
"Where is everyone?" Eli looked around, realizing the house was quiet.
"Naptime," Brent said.
"Oh, right," Eli sighed. "That must be so nice. Clay's never taken a nap in his life."
"Never?"
"No, as soon as he stopped sleeping all day that was it," Eli had already been over it with Maddox, who was equally shocked. No one understood. "And it's a fight every night."
"That's crazy," Brent glanced at Dax. "I thought babies needed a lot of sleep."
"I guess Clay doesn't," Eli shrugged. "Anyway, is there any chance you'd watch him so I can talk to Maddox for a few minutes?"
"Yeah, of course," Brent picked up Clay. "Uncle Brent has lots of fun toys for you to see, Clay," he disappeared.
"Everything okay?" Maddox gave him a worried look and that was all it took. Eli burst into tears. "Oh, um, alright," Maddox took a deep breath and gave Eli a big hug.
It took a few minutes for Eli to stop crying enough that he could even say anything. Maddox just stood there hugging him and rubbing his back until he calmed down. Being around Dax and Brent, the most perfect parents in the world, reminded Eli of how much he was fucking up. On top of that, knowing he was supposed to keep the video a secret was just too much.
"It's Hunter's job," Eli sobbed. "He loves it, and I know he's so good at it, but-" he started crying harder.
"Maybe we should sit down," Maddox guided Eli to the couch.
"I always knew there would be secrets and that he wouldn't be able to tell me what he was doing or who he worked for. It never bothered me that much but he just got this case and," Eli shook his head. "I don't know what to do, I can't handle this."
"What's the part that's bothering you?" Maddox put his arm around him. Eli just leaned over and started crying on Maddox's shoulder again. He couldn't answer that question. "You know he loves you, Eli, Hunter would never hurt you. I'm sure whatever secrets he's keeping aren't worth worrying about."
"This time they are. Dax, what if," he sat up and sniffed, trying to decide what to do. "If you had to choose between me and Brent, what would you do?"
"That doesn't make sense," Maddox frowned. "Why would I have to choose?"
"You would pick Brent, I know you would," Eli shook his head. "And I know I should pick Hunter but," he looked away.
"Do you have to move? I mean, you can still work for me even if you live in another state, Eli."
"No, we're not moving," Eli took a deep breath. "I just want you to know that I love you, Dax, you're more than a best friend to me anymore, even calling you a brother doesn't feel like it's enough."
"I love you too and now you're scaring me."
"I have to pick Hunter, I have to do the right thing. And I'm so sorry, Maddox, I'm just-" he hugged Maddox again. "This is destroying me," he whispered.
"Eli, what is going on?" Maddox held him just tight enough that Eli started to calm down. He knew he'd made the whole thing way more dramatic than needed because he was crying. Eli couldn't remember the last time he'd cried in front of Maddox that way.
"I got Clay to sleep," Brent came running in, a proud look on his face. Of course he had. Saint Brent, the perfect dad could do everything Eli couldn't. "I just - oh, no," he stopped as soon as he saw Eli's face.
"I am the worst father ever," Eli burst into tears again. He knew he was out of control but he didn't know how to stop it.
"No, Eli," Maddox pulled him into his arms and started rubbing his back. "Maybe you need a break. Do you want us to watch Clay so you can go relax? Or take a nap?"
"I just want to be with you while we're still friends."
"We're always gonna be friends, stop being weird," Maddox laughed. "I mean unless you killed my family I can't think of anything you could do that would make me stop speaking to you."
"I hope so," Eli sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Is Clay really asleep?"
"Yeah, I put him in Chloe's room," Brent looked guilty. "In the portable crib."
"Why can everyone get my son to sleep but me?" Eli demanded. "I really am the worst father."
"You're just having a bad day," Maddox had no idea. "It's not like that, I promise."
"It's so much more than that," Eli sniffled. Then he yawned.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Maddox suggested.
"Okay," Eli followed Maddox to the family room.
Eli didn't mean to, but he fell asleep a few minutes into the movie. He woke up when Hannah climbed onto his lap and snuggled in. All he could do was fold his arms around Hannah. She'd lost the baby smell he loved but still smelled soft and sweet. Guilt hit him again - did he love Hannah more than his own son? What kind of parent could even think that?
"Uncle Eli came to see me," Hannah told Maddox. "Surprise!"
"Yeah, surprise," Eli yawned. "How are you, dumplin?"
"Good," Hannah giggled. "Is Clay here? Him's sleeping?"
"Yes, Clay is napping in Chloe's room. Look," Maddox sat down with them and showed Hannah and Eli the baby monitor. Clay was asleep but he was shifting around, bending his legs.
"Oh, he's about to wake up," Eli realized. "Hunter will never believe this."
"Don't run in there, just give him a second," Maddox insisted. Hannah was still on Eli and he couldn't jump up so he had no choice but to wait. Clay never opened his eyes or fussed, he just yawned and let his head fall to the other side.
"It's a miracle," Eli shook his head. "I don't know what you did but it's amazing."
"Brent is an expert at bedtime," Maddox bragged. "He'll have to give you all his secrets."
"If you want, Clay can spend a night here," Brent suggested. "Whenever you and Hunter need a night off."
"He's never been away from us," Eli couldn't imagine Hunter agreeing to that. "Not overnight, I mean."
"Well, he's almost a year old," Maddox shrugged.
"Yeah, I know. We've just never let him stay at someone's house."
"Dax and I never would have gotten over it if we hadn't done it," Brent gave him a reassuring smile. "It's not easy the first time but it's so nice now."
"Talk to Hunter, you can decide," Maddox nodded. "We'll do it whenever we can."
"Thanks," Eli felt Hannah patting his arm, like she was also trying to make him feel better. "What do you think, Hannah? Do you want Clay to spend the night?"
"Yeah," Hannah nodded. "He can stay. Then I can have a brother."
"He can't stay forever," Maddox laughed. "Uncle Eli and Uncle Hunter are his daddies, he has to go back to them or they'd be so sad."
"I know but Chloe and me need a brother," Hannah explained. "And Clay needs a sister."
"Oh really?" Brent grinned.
"Yes, so maybe Uncle Eli and Uncle Hunter should come here too," Hannah went on.
"But Uncle Hunter and I have our own house," Eli had to smile. "What would we do with that?"
"Sophie and Twink could go there so we have space."
"Wow, you are too cute," Eli laughed. "Sorry, princess, it doesn't work that way."
"Why not?" Hannah frowned. "Come see, you can stay upstairs with me," she slipped off Eli's lap and headed for the stairs.
"Hannah, stay here," Maddox shook his head.
"Okay, but I can show you," Hannah kept looking at the three of them, like she wanted to prove herself.
"Why don't you show me your videos?" Eli suggested. Hannah got her iPad and showed Eli the latest videos she'd made.
Clay woke up almost an hour later so Maddox got Chloe up and they all played for a little while before Eli had to leave. When Maddox tried to ask Eli about his breakdown earlier he brushed it off, wishing everyone could forget his overly dramatic meltdown.
"Thank you so much though, seriously," Eli insisted. "I needed that nap so bad, you have no idea."
"Sure," Maddox didn't look like he wanted to let it go. "Do you still want to talk about anything?"
"No, I never should have said anything," Eli repeated. "Really, don't worry about it. I'm sorry I fell apart, it was stupid."
"It wasn't stupid," Maddox gave Eli a hug. "I'm always here, you know that."
"I know," Eli didn't want to let go but he forced himself to put on a happy face. "Thank you, but I'm okay. I'll talk to Hunter about the sleepover."
"Alright," Maddox watched as Eli took Clay's hands and they walked out to the car.
"Please learn to do that all the time," Eli told Clay as he hooked him into his carseat. "Naps are the best thing in the world."
Clay responded with baby talk and Eli felt the weight of being alone with him sink onto his shoulders again. He tried to push it back and pull out some energy.
"Let's go home and see Dada," Eli's voice didn't sound anywhere near as happy as he was trying to make it. He bit his tongue, thankful Clay didn't seem able to tell the difference.
Hunter and his team couldn't keep the video from making headlines later that night. Over the next few days and weeks, Eli watched Brent and Maddox's relationship crumble as the media attacked them for what looked like an attention-seeking publicity stunt. Maddox was sure Brent had posted the video and Brent never said it to Eli but he made it clear he thought Dax had posted the video to make him look bad. None of it made any sense.
It all meant Eli was stuck on his own to watch Clay. He reminded himself over and over again that there were people who stayed home with their kids by choice and that if they could do it, he should be able to as well. It never helped.
Unfortunately for Brent and Maddox, there didn't seem to be any other celebrity gossip juicy enough to get them out of the spotlight. Hunter finally had to set up a TV interview so they could confront all the rumors.
Eli stayed home with Clay while Hunter was with Brent and Dax. He was going through his usual pep talk, convincing himself that it would all be okay when the doorbell rang. Clay paused, his eyes wide, and then seemed to put the pieces together. He stood up and grabbed Eli's hand.
"Mmm," Clay tugged at Eli's hand, pointing to the door. Eli sighed.
"Okay, let's go see who's here," Eli scooped Clay up and was rewarded with a wail of protest. He opened the door and saw Adam with two coffees in his hands. Eli was pretty sure he'd never seen anything so beautiful in his life. "Hi."
"Hey, uh, I thought you could use this," Adam held up one of the coffees. "Can I, uh, come in?"
"Oh my god, yes," Eli stepped out of the way. Clay was pulling on him to get down.
"Hey, be careful with your papa," Adam laughed, heading into the kitchen. He came back with his hands empty and took Clay. "Come on, why don't you show me your favorite toy while Papa has some coffee?"
That was all it took and Clay started babbling away. He showed Adam all his toys, which wasn't hard because they were still scattered all over the family room floor. Eli looked around and realized the house was a wreck. It hadn't looked like that when Hunter left that morning.
Then Eli wondered what he looked like. He couldn't remember the last time he'd looked in a mirror. Hunter made him shower and put out clean clothes for him every day. No one seemed to have noticed so maybe he didn't look too bad.
Adam and Clay were busy, so Eli cleaned the kitchen. It felt good to stand back afterward and see the difference he'd made. He was surprised at how good it felt to see the space clean and organized.
"Does he go in his crib for a nap?" Adam had Clay on his shoulder, half asleep.
"You can try," Eli shrugged. "He doesn't normally nap."
"Really? Hannah still naps."
Eli was on the verge of screaming about how he knew perfect Hannah did everything right but Clay put his hand out, reaching for Eli.
"Papa," he yawned. That little word stole all of Eli's rage.
"You can try," Eli repeated, gesturing toward Clay's room. He watched Adam disappear with Clay and waited for Clay to start crying. Adam came back alone.
"He passed out," Adam grinned. "He's really adorable, Eli."
"He is," Eli nodded. "Um, thanks for the coffee."
"You're welcome," Adam smiled. "I was on my way there when Hunter called so I just grabbed one for you too."
"Hunter called you?"
"Yeah, he asked me to stop by," Adam shrugged. "He said you haven't been yourself lately. He also told me Dax and Brent are taping their interview for this afternoon and thought you might be worried."
"I am, just a little," Eli tried to process what he'd just learned. If Hunter was worried enough to ask Adam to check on him that meant things were really bad. Hunter hated Adam.
"Me too. They keep saying they don't know who leaked the video. It doesn't make any sense."
"I know, but Hunter's got people working on it nonstop and they can't find a hacker."
"Does it really look like someone in the house uploaded it?"
"That's what Hunter keeps saying," Eli nodded.
"So weird."
He and Adam sat down to talk while they waited for the interview to go live. Eli kept checking the baby monitor, but Clay slept the whole time. He'd never seen Clay take a nap, no matter how many times he and Hunter tried. Bedtime was just as much of a disaster but at least Clay eventually gave in at night.
Brent and Maddox walked out for the interview looking just as polished and calm as always. Eli relaxed when he saw them sit down, Brent tucking his arm around Maddox's shoulder. He forgot why he'd even worried. They repeated everything Eli already knew.
"They're not real," Eli decided. He knew better, but it was easy to forget.
"It's so unfair," Adam shook his head. "Look at them, they're actually laughing about this."
"I bet that video is perfect too," Eli realized he hadn't even thought to go look for the video that was causing all the drama.
"It's not bad," Adam shrugged. "It's pretty tame though. I know they're both capable of much more."
"You watched it?"
"Well, uh," Adam turned pink. "Yes. I wasn't going to, but I was a little buzzed and Cole said we could just watch a few minutes of it but of course we ended up watching the whole thing."
"Do you and Cole have videos like that?"
"Doesn't everyone?"
"I don't. I guess Hunter and I are kind of boring."
"I bet not. You could never be boring," Adam gave Eli a look that woke something in him he hadn't even realized he was missing. How long had it been since he and Hunter had sex? They barely even talked anymore. At least not about anything other than Clay. Or work.
"You'd be very disappointed," Eli cleared his throat. He checked the baby monitor. "Clay's waking up."
"I'll get him," Adam got up. Eli was glad to have a second to calm down but felt a nagging dread kick in when he remembered that if Clay was awake he would need all of Eli's attention. He watched Adam and Clay on the monitor and knew he had to stop putting it off.
Clay looked a little suspicious of Adam at first but he warmed up in no time. Adam lifted Clay out of his crib and set him down, letting him hold both hands and walk back to the family room. Clay was making happy noises and as soon as he saw Eli his entire face broke into a happy grin.
"Hi Clay," Eli sent a quick text to his counselor that he wanted to talk about the Post-Adoption Depression again. In the back of his mind he'd always thought that if Clay would just take a nap so Eli could have a couple hours to himself then he might feel okay again. But it was time to face the facts.
They all played together for a little while before Adam had to leave. Hunter got home soon after that and, after greeting Clay, got to work making their dinner.
"That was almost scary," Hunter came back to the family room after putting Clay to bed. "He went down so easy. I've never seen that before."
"Weird," Eli hadn't either. "He had a nap today too, I thought he would be harder to put down."
"They say naps actually help them sleep better at night," Hunter shook his head. "How did you get him to nap? That was really great, Eli."
"Adam did it," Eli shrugged. "I don't know."
"Oh, so he did stop by."
"Yeah," Eli saw the familiar empty look Hunter got whenever he was upset. "I took that as a hint, by the way. I'm going to talk to our counselor about the depression."
"Wow, one afternoon with Adam and you've solved everything," Hunter still looked empty but his tone gave away how angry he was. "I guess I should have called him sooner."
"No, it was just time," Eli protested. He didn't feel like fighting with Hunter. He was about to say so when Hunter got a Facetime call on his laptop.
"It's Brent," Hunter sighed. "I really do not want to answer this."
"Sorry," Eli got up so he could give Hunter some privacy. He didn't get too far when he heard Maddox call out for him to stay.
"Okay," Eli sat down, pulling Hunter's arm around himself. He still felt twitchy over how their conversation ended a few seconds earlier.
"This is going to sound crazy, but we watched it happen," Brent had a stunned look on his face. "Hannah has been playing on my computer and figured out there was a built in camera so she climbs on the desk to get closer and manages to stomp on the keyboard in just the right way-"
"She hits a shortcut," Hunter finished. "Oh no way," he finally started to smile.
"So Hannah did it?" Eli tried to imagine little Hannah climbing on Brent's desk. It was so simple and yet still unbelievable.
"Obviously we're going to keep this a family secret," Maddox started to laugh. "I know you have to see it to believe it and I don't want everyone to accuse us of trying to blame Hannah, and I don't ever want her to know she did it."
"Goodness no," Eli had to laugh too. Hunter was already laughing, his face turning bright red.
"We thought you'd want to know you can stop searching for a hacker," Brent wasn't laughing but he was smiling.
"This," Hunter choked. "Best ever."
"It's pretty funny," Maddox agreed.
"He hasn't gotten a lot of sleep lately," Eli rubbed Hunter's back. "We worry about you two, you know."
"We know," Brent smiled. "Don't worry anymore though. We'll stick to our story and everyone will forget to care."
"Thank you," Hunter finally managed to calm down enough to speak. "Oh, thank you so much. This is such good news. Now I don't have to fire anyone."
"Please don't," Maddox shook his head.
"Okay, we'll let you enjoy the rest of your night," Brent said after they'd all laughed a little more.
"Y'all should come to dinner soon," Eli offered. "So we can all just hang out and not think about work."
"And you can put our son to sleep," Hunter added.
"Definitely," Maddox smiled. "We'll plan it."
They said goodbye and hung up. For a second, Eli sat there with Hunter's arm around him, trying to remember how long it had been since they last had quiet moment together.
"I can't believe that," Hunter pulled away from Eli and ran his hands over his face. "I swear I've aged like 900 years over this."
"I know I haven't helped much," Eli felt the guilt seeping in again. "I'm sorry, Hunter. I kept thinking it would get better."
"I can't be mad at you for something that's not your fault, Eli," Hunter rubbed his back. "I'm frustrated you didn't want to fix it before now, and I hate that this disease took away the things I love about you."
"Is that why I can't remember the last time we had sex?"
"This is the first time in months I've thought you had any interest in sex, Eli."
"Has it been months?"
"At least 3. I tried after Maddox's birthday dinner and you told me to stop smothering you. The last time I remember for sure was 4th of July."
"Hunter, it's almost December."
"Trust me, I know," Hunter shook his head. "So, you wanna fix that?"
"Yes. And I want you never to let me go so long without pointing out how long it's been."
"You're right," Hunter nodded. "I know it's a miracle you got out of bed today and I'm scared you'll let our son drown in the bathtub but I need you to bend over for me."
"What?" Eli felt like he'd been smacked in the face. "You were...scared to leave me with Clay?"
"Not on purpose," Hunter tried to scoot closer but Eli backed up. "I was afraid you would space out and not realize if he slipped. I never thought you would consciously hurt him."
"Oh my god, Hunter," Eli got up. His mind raced. All the pieces started to click together in his mind.
"Please, don't get upset."
"Why didn't you say something? It's been almost a year, Hunter, I can't believe you just let me go on this way if you thought I was dangerous."
"I've been here the whole time," Hunter took a slow breath. "Part of me thought maybe it would get better. The other part of me was so exhausted and overwhelmed from trying to take care of you AND Clay that I couldn't manage anything else."
"You should have-"
"You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves," Hunter interrupted. "I did the best I could, Eli. I'm sorry you're mad, but I'm glad you're finally ready to do something about this."
Eli was too mad to think of anything to say back. He stomped into their bedroom and sat down. His mind was still spinning. None of it made sense, but at the same time it made perfect sense. Hunter was right and he hated it.
To his horror, Eli started crying. He wasn't sure how he had it in him, but he ended up crying himself to sleep.
It took longer than Eli wanted, but his doctor was able to adjust his meds. Slowly and then all at once, the fog lifted. Eli knew he would remember the exact moment he knew he was better for the rest of his life.
He walked into the kitchen that morning to see Clay sitting in his highchair. Clay was covered in rice cereal, from his dark curls to his chubby toes. When he saw Eli walk into the room, his face lit up and he started clapping his fat little hands together. Cereal flew everywhere and Clay giggled. Eli felt his heart practically explode with love and despite the mess, picked up Clay to hug him and kiss his round little cheeks.
If it caught Hunter by as much surprise as it had Eli, he never knew. Hunter had the presence to grab his phone and post the video, as well as several snaps of Eli and Clay covered in cereal. Eli was too caught up in the moment to realize he'd done it until he got a text from Adam.
Adam: these pics make me so happy
Adam: cant remember the last time i saw your real smile
Adam: it's beautiful
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A/N: Happy Monday? A few things: 1) I know this chapter was tough. The next chapter is going to be a little happier. 2) Post Adoption Depression is real, but not recognized by the APA like Postpartum Depression is. It also isn't caused by the same things, obviously. 3) This chapter spanned almost an entire year - late January to December. We'll stop fast forwarding soon, I promise, but this was a good place to do it because no one wants to read multiple chapters of Eli being depressed (again). Also it makes sense that if he's telling the story and he's depressed that time is irrelevant to him.
Anyway. I love you. Thank you for reading. I'm back home and hoping to have an update on Wednesday but if not then definitely next week as always <3