I'm lying in bed with Ben. And today, we've decided to have a look back, on the past year and a half we've had together, since the first day we met.
"You ready to reminisce?" I ask.
"Of course, it might take a while, but it will be totally worth it."
"Okay, so let's start right from the beginning. "
"Alright then" ben says excitedly.
"It was the day of the school trip. I remember that day very clearly. The symptoms for lueakamia had already started, I felt sick the morning I woke up, but I just thought that was because I was nervous for the trip. Wow, how I was so wrong"
"I didn't know about that. I remember seeing you walking into the bus, and you looked pretty good to me."
"Well Thankyou. But then I did slip up, and bang my head. That was so embarrasing" me and ben both laugh, as we re-live the moment I caused myself to go unconscious over slipping over some mud.
"But if you hadn't of slipped up, then I probably would have never met you and we wouldn't have been so close"
"Oh yeah!" I say surprised "I woke up in your lap. And you told me how beautiful I was. It was honesty the best feeling ever. I was never the most popular girl in school."
"Well I don't know why, because I thought you were stunning"
"Thanks Ben. Well, you were the first. I remember arriving at the camp and literally wanting to cry, I hated camping! And to be honest, I still do. But that is where we shared our first moment."
"Of course! That was on the tree-top adventure thing. When we went down the rope together, you had to sit on my lap. And I remember how we couldn't get our eyes off of eachother all the way down. "
"Yep, I certainly remember that moment. "
"You were so shy and timid back then, you've certainly changed."
"We both have. I was just an average teenage girl, who didn't like getting her hands dirty, and cared more about my hair than the fun I was having."
"Well I was immature too. It was you, who helped me become a better man."
"Well... You're very welcome" I laugh, then we continue . "But sadly, it wasn't all fun and games was it? I distinctively remember the night I woke you up, then started throwing up. You were there for me, through all of it."
"And that's when the whole 'we're in this together' thing started. I was determined to make sure you were okay, before I even knew anything was wrong."
"I don't remember anything else from that night. I just remember waking up in a hospital bed. "
"Well I do. Unfortunately. You collapsed and went unconscious. I had to wake up miss grunch, which she was not impressed about. Then we had to call an ambulance which took forever to get here because we were in the middle of the woods. I watched you be carried off into the distance. And that was when I truly realised it, I had fallen in love with you."
"Wow, I didn't know any of that. I was more just focused on why I was in hosptial. And how terrified I was."
"Well I didn't know what was going on either. But when I came to visit you at hospital you told me everything was fine."
"Yeah, but literally seconds later, was when I got diagnosed. I didn't know what to think. Obviously, straight away I thought of my dad. Who had died from cancer not too long ago. I could see the devastation in mum's eyes. I will never forget that look. She had just only got over the death of my father, now she had to go through all this with me. To be honest, that first week, I didn't think much about myself and my own health, I was just worrying about telling you and how my family was going to deal with it. Who knew, that from that first day, all of this was going to happen."
"Well certainly not me. "
"So many things happened, my life literally changed forever. I don't know if I can remember it all, but I will try."
"I can remember most of it I think. I can defiantly remember our first date."
"Oh yes, I will never forget that. I was supposed to tell you that day. But then you told me about your sister, and your whole family background and it was just too hard. "
"I kind of wish you did tell me, because you ended up running away and hiding from me for ages."
"I know, I'm sorry about that. I just didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to get you involved in all this mess. But to be honest, I'm kind of glad I did spend that time away from you, because during that time, I realised how much I needed you, and how much I loved you."
"Well that's fair enough then"
"But I do kind of still regret telling you in someways. Because since then I've dragged you into so much mess, and upset, and torture."
"But Darcy, that was all worth it. Think about all the amazing things we did after that, I've had the best few years of my entire life, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way."
"Thankyou, but I still just wish that you didn't have to find out the way you did."
"Yeah, that day was hard"
"I was out with chelsea. That was also the day that I shaved all my hair off. It was a very tough day. I remember this clearly, i think I fainted or something whilst in town with Chelsea. Then next thing I know is I'm in hosptial and you're there panicking over me. And I just had to tell you."
"The truth hurt. But it's been totally worth it."
"After that day, I guess I kind of felt relieved, relieved that I had told you so that now we could spend the rest of our lives together. And that we could fight this, together."
"Although, didn't something serious happen after that?"
"Did it? Oh yeah, how could I have forgotten? I had to have surgery on my liver. And that's when it all went wrong"
"I remember getting the call from your mum telling me that you were on the brink of death, and to come down immediately. I remember staring at you, lying down attatched to all those tubes and machines. I actually thought that was it. I prayed day and night for you to come back to me. "
"Well luckily, I don't actually remember anything because I was asleep. All I remember is waking up in a lot of pain and with my family by my side. "
"At that point I think, was when all the doctors and nurses realised how strong of a person you are. And how you can beat whatever comes your way. "
"Was it that serious?"
"Yes Darcy, the way you fought your way back into life was just incredible. I think I fell in love with you even more."
"Me too. But then college came, and a lot of things changed. My first day was awful. I was so excited about being able to go to college and see all my friends after the most hectic summer ever! But all I did that morning was spend my time throwing up. Then I threw up in school and fainted. And then had to go home. I honestly did want to come back, but I knew I just couldn't. And that's when we got into this massive argument."
"And I'm so sorry about that. I wished we hadn't wasted that many weeks in our lives being angry at eachother . It just wasn't worth it."
"But in a way, it was. Because afterwards you showed me that you had matured and grown as a person."
"And that was all thanks to you. I can't tjankyou enough for making me see the more important things In life. And what people truly matter. Popularity, isn't the most important thing. I now get that."
"Well, you're welcome. Again. But you certainly made it up to me."
"What did I do again?"
"You bought me and my whole family tickets for Alton Towers!"
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that."
"It was just an incredible day. I absolutely love roller coasters. And I got to spend some quality time with my family."
"It was an amazing day. It was the first proper thing we did together. You had just been too sick. I think that was the first time you showed yourself that you could put the Cancer aside, and made sure that you had an enjoyable day."
"Yep, I certainly showed myself that I do have strength. And that I can still remain positive even in the toughest of times. Although, I did go weak when I stated fearing the life of my brother. He came downstairs ill one day, and I honestly did think he had Cancer."
"I remember that. I was genuinely worried for you and your family. But I also had hope that things were going to be okay"
"You stayed by my side throughout it all. And you made me see that kids can get sick, and it not be Cancer. I let my emotions take over me, but you helped me feel better. I had never been happier after finding out that he didn't have Cancer. But ben, can you promise me something?"
"Sure, anything?"
"If my mum, or luke gets Cancer. Or is struggling with anything, can you please promise me that you won't let them break down. You will help them, and make sure that my brother and my mum don't become people they're not"
"Darcy, listen to me, I am going to be there for your family until the day I die. No matter what. I am never leaving their side. They're part of my family
now. I will never let anything happened to them okay? "
"Oh Thankyou so much Ben, I love you so much." I cuddle up to him even closer, and he happily wraps his arms around me, helping me to feel safe, and secure. Knowing that my family is going to be okay, no matter what happens.
"Now, the next few weeks were really difficult. I remember this very clearly. It was when I had to have chemotherapy for a week at a time every couple of week. This week though, it was extremely hard. I didn't know what to do with myself. Do you remember ben?"
"Of course, it was horrible to watch you suffer. I think that's one of the times I saw you in the most amount of pain ever. I remember bringing round films for us both to watch together."
"Oh yeah, and I chose despicable me. "
"Yep, you cheered up a little bit, but not much."
"Oh my gosh, I've just remembered why this week was so horrible for me. Why I had so many mixed emotions. This is the week we saw Sadie in the hosptial for the first time in ages. She looked just so sick, so fragile, I knew things obviously weren't going well. "
"Yeah, that's the first time I got to meet Sadie properly. It's weird to think how, that this whole time, she was my sister, and I didn't even know it. I just wish I could have spent more time with her."
"It's alright Ben, it's not your fault. You didn't know. I'm sure you would have been and amazing big brother to her."
"Thankyou Darcy. I donmiss being a big brother."
"But this is when we also found out that she was officially dying. A 6 year old girl had been given a death sentence. I still don't understand it. "
"I don't think anyone does. Cancers cruel, it doesn't care who it's victims are, it just cares that it takes them down, slowly, in the most painful way possible."
"You got that right. But this whole thing with Sadie then lead to us going to see the fireworks with her just a few days before Christmas. I remember her smile, her beautifully innocent face. She's never been so happy, I was so happy, knowing I could light up her depressing life. I guess I kind of did know that that was going to be the last time I saw her. But I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I mean... She died that same night. "
"I know it's hard to think about Darcy. I wish I could have spent more time with her too. But she flew away happy. She was probably dreaming about the all the amazing things she's done in her life, then just drifted away in her sleep."
"I guess you're right Ben. Thankyou. But I truly thought that was going To be the end of all the drama. But obviously not."
"Nope"
"That's when we found out about your crazy family history. And the truth behind all of the mess."
"Yep, it took me a while to get my head around it all. I have 3 sisters. But only one is still alive. But I guess it has been nice living at home again. I now get to spend time with my new sister Natalie. She's over a year old now. I've loved to watch her grow up. It feels just like when Feye was around. I sure do love being a big brother."
"And I'm sure you're an amazing one too. "
"Well Thankyou Darcy."
"But again, the drama didn't end there. It was actually the fight you had with Joe that lead us into this whole big mess."
"I know, I still can't forgive myself for what I did."
"Ben, we've moved pass that now. We know none of it was your fault."
"I guess. But it's hard not to blame myself."
"I know, but think about what really happened. Joe tried to kiss me, twice, you got angry at him. Which was fair enough, then you ended up getting slightly angry and accidentally knocked me over. I was fine Ben."
"But you weren't."
"Well... I was at first"
"Yeah, but you ended up in a medically induced coma because of the infection you got. You didn't wake up for days, or was it weeks? I can't remember now, but you didn't wake up until your 17th birthday. It was an extremely emotional time"
"But Ben, aren't you forgetting something? Something that happened before this?"
"I don't think so..."
"You had a very serious motorcycle crash. Remember? You were in hospital, unconscious. And that was the first time I got to experience what it's like to be on the other side of things.
That's when I realised how hard it really was for you and my mum and everyone, To watch someone suffer whilst you feel helpless. I honestly don't know how you have dealt with me for this long. I have true respect for you. And what you do for me. And even just days after your crash and you had found out that I was admitted to hosptial, you were determined to see me. Even though you weren't exactly in a fit state yourself. "
"Well, that's because I love you Darcy. And a few broke ribs and a fractured wrist wasn't going to hold me back."
"It certainly didn't. You ended up organising a whole blommon birthday party for me. In the hosptial! Whilst we were still both very ill! You're just incredible. I could never do what you do."
"Yes you can Darcy, have you not seen yourself. You had been through two extreme near death experiences and you could have chose to have give up at any moment... But you never did. You pushed through the pain, through the struggle, and each time... You won."
--
We had a little break of reminiscing for a bit. I slept for a few hours, whilst Ben went back home for a bit.
But he's back now, and we're both ready to start reminiscing again!
"So... What happened after your birthday?" Asks Ben.
"Um... Well I think I had more chemo... But... Oh yeah! This is when I found out I was almost in remission. The Cancer in my lungs was practically Gone, and I only needed a few treatments left. But It was my last chemotherapy week in the hosptial that I remember very well. "
"I can sort of remember..."
"Well the fist few days I was just kind of by myself a lot of the time because you had to be in college and my mum had to be at work. But... I wasn't alone, because this was when I met melody."
"Oh yeah"
"She had just been diagnosed with Cancer and she was terrified. It felt amazing being able to reflect on what things I had gone through, to help another person. She wouldn't stop telling me how amazing she thought i was. She was such an incredible person. I wonder how she's doing now? She might even be finished treatment. "
"How about you give her a call?"
"Now?"
"Maybe later, let's just continue looking back on our journey yeah?"
"Of course. So, this was my last week in the hosptial. I had never been so excited. But this was also when I found out that Bella had decided to stop being a nurse. I was really happy for her, she decided to go out and see the world, instead of spending her life stuck in a hospital. I don't blame her. If I had a choice between the two, I know which one I would take. But obviously I was forced into this, whereas she had a choice. And she definitely made the right one. She was an amazing nurse, and friend. I don't think I could have gone through it without her."
"She was pretty cool, you guys did seem extremely close."
"We certainly were. But that all ended, and then all that was left was to have a scan to find out if I was in complete remission or not. And I was! That moment of relief, for me, you, and my entire family was just overwhelming. I truly thought that was it. Because for a few months, I had beaten Cancer.... But anyway, let's not talk about that. Because I then had the best few months of my life. I went back to college in April, and met some amazing new people. I met Abbie there, who's now a life-long friend. "
"And don't forget about our summer"
"Of course, the Maldives was literal luxury. Everything about it was perfect, the food, the scenery, our cabin was so cute. And the way we got to just dive literally into the sea from our doorstep was indescribable. I think I must have ticked off like 10 things from my bucket list that holiday, and done things I never thought I would do. "
"It was just incredible, I had the best few weeks of my life"
"Well that was all thanks to you Ben. But... Things soon changed. I started feeling ill, and no matter how much people told me I was just being paranoid, I still kind of knew. "
"I think we all had a bad feeling deep down in our guts that something was wrong. But no one wanted to admit it."
"It's alright Ben. I didn't want to admit it either. And we all carried on being in denial, for a little while, until i noticed my first bruise. And things only went down hill from there. I went back to hosptial, had a scan, and ended up getting diagnosed. But this time I knew that things were much worse."
"But we all kept hope for you Darcy. We were sure you could beat it again. And you almost did. You didn't give up, even though you knew the odds weren't in your favour."
"Well, I did go through chemo again. And I hated it. And it wasn't even working. So then I had the bone marrow transplant, spent months in the hosptial, and trying to recover from it, only to find out it was all pointless."
"But at that point we still did have hope."
"Yes, it could still be cured. But of course, my only Ray of hope was soon destroyed when i had a seizure and found out it had spread to my brain. It was terminal. And there was nothing anyone could do about it."
"And that's when we all lost it I think. You weren't the only one who had a bit of a breakdown after that. "
"Can we not talk about that. Let's just skip to wheat happened after that. "
"We can't ignore it Darcy, because It did happen."
"I know okay, and I regret it. I just... I wanted to escape, I wanted life to end. "
"But why? Why did you want to do it, I know you hate talking about it, but I can't rest not knowing the true reason. Because that's not you Darcy. Even in the most difficult of situation you always fine some -"
"Because there wasn't anything ben. There was nothing left for me" I shout, but then I calm down before I speak again "everytime I got knocked down, there was still some hope. There was still something that could save my life. But this time, I knew there was nothing. I knew that this was it.... The reason I did it, I did it because... I didn't want Cancer to beat me. I didn't want Cancer to be the think to kill me... It killed my father... I wanted to show that I was stronger than Cancer is. I... I...."
"Oh Darcy. You don't need to beat Cancer to show that you're strong. We all know, that you put 100% maximum effort into doing whatever you could to survive. And you still remained the same, sweet Darcy throughout it all. I know you didn't want cancer to be the thing to... I know you didn't want it to beat you, no one did. But what you have done through it has proved that you're stronger than Cancer. And if Cancer was a person, you would have kicked its cruel ass. Even now, you haven't let Cancer defeat you. You're still happy. It hasn't dragged you down. You're still Darcy. You're not a Cancer girl."
"Ben... I don't know what to say... Thankyou... Thankyou... That means a lot. You've made me realise... "
"It's alright Darcy. You don't have to say anything." He gently grabs hold of me, and comforts me into his soothing body. I just relax, and let him rock me from side to side.
"Then after all that, we done things on your bucket list... And how we're here. And every single day, I've fallen in love with you a little bit more."
--
What time is it? I say to myself as I wake up in the dark all alone.
It's 1 in the morning. I must have fallen asleep in Ben's arms, then he must have went home.
I'm surprisingly not that tired. Probably because I slept for most of the day yesterday.
But I'm going to make the most of this, and do something I've desperately wanted to do... Before it's too late.
I pick up a pad and a pen, and start writing.
--
It's taken me an hour to write. But I've been planning it for a lot longer. I wrap it in an envelope and label it 'to the love of my life'. Then I place it in my wardrobe along with the drawing I draw of me and Ben together. Then I close the doors, make my way back into bed, and lie down peacefully, knowing I can be happy now, no matter what happens tommorow...