When life gives you Cancer...Expect the unexpected. Cheesy line, I know. But it's true!
I'm prepared for today as much as I can be. But I'll never be truly ready to hear what Dr. Kartor has to say.
Today, I get my results from my scan to see if the bone marrow transplant worked or not.
Even though I'm feeling pretty confident... It's only a feeling. Not a fact.
I'm taking Ben with me today, he has the day off college, so that's very useful.
I want him to get told the news with me, so if it's bad, then I won't have to try and explain it all to him later. But if it's good... we can celebrate together!
He's booked a meal for me and him for tonight, to hopefully celebrate remission! I guess I will go either way, it'll be something to take my mind off of it, if it's bad news.
So now, we're on our way into the hospital.
Ben has hold of one hand and my mum has hold of the other. We inhale and exhale deeply, then step onto the oncology ward to meet Dr. Kartor. We don't even get a chance to sit down, he calls us over into his office straight away.
As we're walking in, Ben grabs hold of me and whispers in my ear "Darcy,
No matter what happens, I'm always going to be here for you okay."
I just nod, not really feeling up to talking, then turn around to sit in a chair opposite Dr. Kartor's desk.
I sit down with a smile, feeling hopeful.
But Dr. Kartor doesn't mirror my expression. He looks more worried, and upset. This is not a good sign...
"So, Darcy, how are we feeling? Any bad side effects from the transplant?"
"No actually, things have been feeling really good!" I say optimistically.
"Good" he says hesitantly. I start preparing myself for some bad news, so it won't come as a shock... if it comes.
"Well, I guess we'll just jump straight to the conclusion then... Um... So, you did really well, the transplant, went great, no side effects...." He pauses "but..." Then he takes a longer pause and takes in a large amount of air. "I'm afraid... this isn't going to be easy to say... But Your scan showed, despite everything that we've done to try and help, that there are still Cancer cells in your blood.... You still have leukaemia."
My heart drops to my feet, and by the expression in my mums face, hers does too.
No one speaks. No one can speak. Everyone just tries to come to terms with the situation.
Until I gather myself together, and the anger starts to build up
"So you're telling me I went through all of that... For nothing!" I raise my voice as I get closer to the end of that sentence.
"No... Darcy it-"
"No!" I interrupt Dr. Kartor "so this is it then, my Cancer can't be cured-"
"No it-"
"I put myself through torture for almost TWO MONTHS, FOR THIS OUTCOME?! It's just not fair, why does this keep happening to me? Why, why, I just don't get it!"
"Neither do we Darcy" Dr. Kartor says sounding upset "I'm truly, utterly sorry...But this doesn't mean that this is the end. Absolutely not! There are still things we can do. I was trying to avoid radiation before but I think it might be best. And More chemotherapy. It can still cure you. People are cured from these things Darcy. And even on the second try, and the third try, and even the fourth or fifth try. People do get over things like this, I promise you. I know it's hard to hear, but things can still be done"
I don't reply, no one can. I just mumble stressfully "I need some fresh air" then get up and walk out. Ben tries to grab my hand but I shout "no ben! Just let me go..." He slowly loosens his grip, then I continue to exit angrily from his office.
This can't be happening, it just can't be!
I know I can still be cured, but all I can think is that I went through all of that for nothing! I put my future on hold, I put my life on hold, when I could have been out living it?
It... It.... It just doesn't make sense.
Oh someone please give me strength. I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't.
I just sit outside in the car park, and wait for Ben and my mum to join me. They've been in their for a long time now. Probably discussing the chances of me dying. That's why I don't want to be in there. I'll learn all of that in my own time. Now I justwant to go home and cry about it.
I just want to be alone.
They finally come outside and try and speak to me "Darcy it's going to be alright" ben wraps his arm around my shoulder. Usually I would give in and accept his attempt at making me feel better, but today I'm just too frustrated to deal with it.
"No ben! It's not going to be okay, alright?now just leave me alone, I just want to go home"
"But Darcy don't you want to know the treatment plan-"
"No!" I interrupt my mum "just get me home. I don't want to talk"
Both, ben and my mum, listen to my comment; and we head to the car, and just drive home. The whole journey is tense. No one said a word, the whole time.
--
I'm home, but I don't feel any better.
I made Ben cancel the dinner date he had planned for tonight. I felt bad, but there's no way I could have gone out into public in the state I'm in, and try and act sociable.
I came home and when straight to bed. I Skipped dinner, everything, didn't want to talk to no one.
I now lie in bed, all alone, wishing I had someone to comfort me. But it's too late for that now, I kind of forced everyone to get away from me. I'm just going to have to deal with it by myself.
So... More bad news. I don't know how much more of this bad news I can take. It's literally tearing me apart inside. All I can think about are the 'what if's!'
What if this happens, but what if it doesn't work, and much much more.
I go to sleep every night scared I'm not going to wake up.
It's always in my mind, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There is no escape from Cancer, no matter where you are, and who you are with.
It takes over your life, and I can't deal with it. I've tried, but I just can't.
I'm trying to push forward, and I know I will. But it's just hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel wen you're constantly surrounded by complete darkness.
I've caused myself to have a headache from all this stress. And crying isn't helping. The only way I can get over it now, is to sleep.
So that's what I do...