If Eli thought the kids at school were nasty after Maddox came to visit him, it only got worse when Maddox started tweeting him on a regular basis. He went from having one high school full of people who hated him to having half an internet full. While that meant there were some people trying to be his friend online, it was so hard to tell when people actually wanted to know him and when they just wanted to get closer to Dax.
Especially when Maddox fell and broke his arm. It was the first time Eli found out something that was happening in Dax's life before the internet. Dax texted him the day it happened while he was still crazy hopped up on painkillers. He still refused to send nudes, but Eli knew that was a long shot even if Dax was high.
But because it was the first time he'd ever known before the internet, Eli was extra protective when people started claiming the whole thing was fake. Someone stole and leaked a video they swore was of Maddox breaking his arm, but the more people watched the more they said the video had to be fake - and if the video was fake, the broken arm probably was too.
"Why would he lie? That's so stupid," Eli lost track of how many times he'd said it as he argued with people online. Finally he asked Dax himself - only that set off a whole shitstorm of people attacking him when he tried to explain that he knew the video was real.
No one left him alone until Maddox posted a video explaining the video was leaked by someone on the crew. Eli fell for him all over again as he watched Dax get teary eyed when he told the story. Did it get people to stop giving Eli a hard time? No, but he didn't care.
As Maddox's tour got closer and closer to the end, Eli started feeling more and more invincible. He didn't know when or how Maddox was going to make his announcement, but Eli knew it was going to change everything for him.
"Has he got hisself a girlfriend?" his Dad asked Levi one day. Eli had opened the door to the garage so he could hear when their customer's state inspection was finished. Clearly his dad didn't know Eli could hear him.
"Naw, why you think that?" Levi asked.
"He's bin rill happy as of late. Took down all them pictures of that Bieber kid. Spends all this time doin his hair," Eli's dad had a whole list of evidence. "Made me take him to buy new clothes for the first time mebbe in his life."
"Psh, he just finally looked in a mirror is all," Levi laughed. "Seen how good us Warren boys look when we clean up."
"I think he's got a lil girl somewhere," their dad would not let it go. Eli sighed when he heard his brothers laughing. They were definitely going to blow it for him. "What? Why's that so funny?"
"Eli wouldn't know what to do with a girl if she came up and sat on his dick," Isaiah laughed. Eli rushed to close the door.
"Shoot, that's as long as you can last anyway, Isaiah," Levi shot back. If his brothers gave away his secret, Eli wasn't gonna hear it. Not while Mrs. Murdock was waiting for her car.
"I am so sorry about them," Eli apologized. "Please, help yourself to a drink or a snack on me. They are very good with cars but not with manners."
"You know, your Daddy will figger it out one a these days," Mrs. Murdock gave him a look as she went to the cooler and took out a Coke. "Iffen you ain't careful it's gonna be from someone other than you, boy."
Eli wasn't sure what to say to that so he just nodded and rang out her drink. She went back to playing whatever game she was playing on her cell phone until Isaiah came in to tell her the car was finished.
"Hey," Isaiah waited until Mrs. Murdock was out of the store. "You seein someone?"
"No," Eli closed the cash register. "An I just had to give Mrs. Murdock a free drink cause y'all got filthy mouths. Can you please not talk shit while there's customers around?"
"Who was talkin shit? I's right, ain't I?"
"You ain't never bin right," Gideon came in from the garage. "Eli, the missus wants Dad to come fer dinner on Friday. Kin you tell Dad you're busy so he won' make you come?"
"What am I doing on Friday?" Eli narrowed his eyes.
"Aint there a game or somethin?"
"I wouldn't know," Eli shrugged. "And I sure wouldn't be at it. Why can't I come to dinner?"
"Look, just make somethin up. Say it's a church thing," Gideon suggested.
"I could," Eli normally never pushed his oldest brother but that day he was already annoyed. "But why should I?"
"You know why, Eli."
"No, please, explain it to me," Eli crossed his arms. "Are you making Levi and Isaiah lie too?"
"Aw, shit, Gid," Isaiah sighed. "I tol' you."
"Why you gotta be so damn difficult, Eli?" Gideon narrowed his eyes. "You know we cain't have you in our home. We don't condone your lifestyle choices."
"So you're gonna let the whole family but me come over?" Eli could feel his pulse quicken. This never would have happened if his mom were still alive. She and his sister would have thrown the party and made sure to keep Gideon's wife busy so she wouldn't hardly see Eli let alone have a chance to judge him.
"It's to celebrate if Kindra agrees ta marry me," Isaiah shook his head. "Jus' let him come, Gideon, ain't no one there gonna care."
"I care," Gideon shot back. "An' I promised Susan he'd never be welcome in our house."
"You're a real jackass, Gideon," Eli's hands were shaking. As furious as he was, he had an idea. "Git outta my way."
"Please, Eli," Gideon called after him but thankfully didn't follow him into the garage.
"Hey, Dad," Eli could see his Dad bent over the inside of someone's car.
"What is it, Eli?"
"I was thinkin, we should have everyone over on Friday. To celebrate Isaiah and Kindra, you know?"
"Hm," his Dad stepped away from the car. "I s'pose we should. Seems right. Hey, Izz!"
"What?" Isaiah's eyes widened when he saw Eli standing with their dad.
"Hey, why'nt you bring Kindra and her family over at the house on Friday? Eli says he's cookin."
"You lil shit," Isaiah grinned at Eli. "Sure, Dad. I gotta make sure she says yes first though."
"She's only bin waitin' since whenever you was 18," their Dad snorted. "She ain't say yes now, she's wasted almost tin years on ya."
"She'll say yes," Levi shouted, from across the garage.
His brothers kept joking and Eli waited for his pulse to slow. Just when he thought he might be calm again, his dad spoke up.
"Hey, Gideon, Eli had a great idea," he called. Eli turned to see Gideon standing in the door to the garage.
"I bet," Gideon narrowed his eyes.
Eli had to get back to the register but he didn't miss the glare from Gideon as he passed. He ignored his urge to shove his older brother and calmly went back to work as if none of it mattered.
But of course it did matter and on Friday when everyone showed up for the engagement party, Eli found himself trying to hide in the kitchen as much as possible. He had an endless supply of excuses ready if anyone asked why he wasn't sitting with the family but no one ever did.
The party was nice, at least from what Eli could tell. Isaiah and Kindra seemed happy and her family was all very polite and kind. As Eli invented reasons to stay in the kitchen, avoiding Gideon and his wife, he tried to imagine what it would be like if he ever met a guy who loved him enough to marry him.
It was way too big to even dream. Eli knew what it was like to love Maddox but deep down he knew they would never be real friends let alone anything more. Maddox's world was way too far away for Eli to even hope. But sometimes he did wish he could find someone he could really fall in love with, who would love him back just as much.
And like he always did when he started thinking about finding love, Eli started to wonder how long it would take before he could save enough money to move. Would he even still be young enough to fall in love by then? Who even knew?
As Eli cleaned up from the party in the empty house he tried to imagine being married. He couldn't picture what his husband would look like, but he let his mind drift to what it would be like if they had a cute little house and he was doing the dishes while his husband put the baby to bed. Maybe they would watch movies together before they went to bed, curling up on the couch. Maybe they'd have a dog.
"You gon' be up a while?" his dad interrupted his fantasy.
"Yeah, probably," Eli decided.
"I'm gonna go out for a bit," his dad looked around, like he couldn't look right at Eli and say it. "Not too long. Should be back soon."
"I'll be up," Eli promised.
Just like that, his dreams of moving away and getting married dissolved again. He couldn't leave his dad, but even if he could where would he get enough money? It would take years, so long it was pointless to try. There was no sense in trying to get out if he was going to be 90 before it happened.
Maddox was back in L.A. for the last few shows of his tour so by the time Eli started texting him to tell him about his brother's party, Maddox was just getting home. They texted for a while before Maddox fell asleep.
Eli turned to tumblr to keep himself busy while he waited for his dad. He hadn't checked his inbox in a while but there was nothing new. Just the same stupid questions. Except now instead of asking how long it took him to make his wall collage, everyone was asking why he took it down.
It was a quiet weekend, a hot one for May, and it had Eli wishing it was already summer. As much as he hated the thought of being at the gas station every day, he did love the idea of having a break from school.
Despite the fact his dad seemed to have no plans to give up drinking, he did still drag Eli to church every Sunday. It wasn't as bad as being in school, but it was definitely not something Eli wanted to do. He'd never minded when his mom was there but without her and her colorful bible to distract him from everyone else, Eli could only see the pointed looks and judgemental glances thrown his way.
Fortunately, that day Maddox called right as Eli made it back to the safety of his bedroom. He kicked the door just enough to make it close and almost didn't hear his dad call to him that he was going out.
"Hi, you have perfect timing," Eli barely said hello when he answered the phone. "We just got home from church."
"Wow, I haven't been to church in like two years or something," Maddox realized.
"I told you my dad is like obsessed with us going every week. Like that will prove something to everyone," Eli laughed.
"You sound happy," Maddox told him.
"Well, yeah, I'm talking to you," Eli hoped that didn't sound creepy.
"It's nice to hear you happy," Maddox yawned.
"I like being happy," Eli agreed. "But mostly I like talking to you. Are you exhausted? What are you doing?"
"Learning all kinds of family secrets," Maddox groaned. "This is all really embarrassing, Eli, are you ready for this?"
"I think so," Eli closed his door, just in case.
"Um, so my mom is pregnant with twins."
"WHAT?"
"Eli," Maddox groaned. "I know, and they actually admitted it was a fucking accident. Like they're ancient as fuck, how does that even happen?"
"Okay, well, they're not that old," Eli couldn't admit he sometimes thought Justin was hot. In a DILF way, but still.
"Too old to be so stupid! And it gets worse!" Maddox was definitely worked up. "Kylie wants to be in porn. And my parents are just going to let her. Like, 'it's her dream, Dax, we support you' as if what I do is even close to that."
"Your family needs a reality show," Eli decided. "This is insane."
"It feels like it," Maddox sighed. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, pretend I don't know what Kylie's doing?"
"Just tell everyone you hate it," Eli suggested. "You're her brother, they'll expect it, you know?"
"I guess," Maddox didn't sound happy with that idea.
"How about you though? Is Jackson still going to break up with you when you come out?" Eli decided to try changing the subject.
"Oh, um," Maddox took a deep breath. "I'm not really sure I'm going to do that anymore."
"What?" Eli's heart stopped.
"It's just that Jackson kind of relaxed about us being a couple in private and like, I don't know," Maddox paused for a second. "It's not so bad keeping it a secret when I can still be kind of out a little."
"Dax, no," Eli protested. "You can't hide who you are just for Jackson. If he really loves you he should be okay with letting you be yourself."
"I think he is, it's just that like, he doesn't want to have to deal with the media and stuff," Maddox sighed.
"Maddox, I would light myself on fire if you asked me to," Eli knew he was about to lose it but he couldn't stop himself. Not when Maddox was about to make such a big mistake. "And Jackson what? He doesn't want to have his picture taken?"
"It's not just the pictures, you know that Eli," Maddox argued. "Remember how much hate you got on Twitter that day?"
"You really don't fucking get it, do you?" Eli gasped. "I get hate all day every day from everyone at school, from bitches on Tumblr, from my dad, my brothers, everyone. I'd take a fucking bullet to be your boyfriend and you want to be with some jackass who's afraid of some 10 year olds on Instagram?"
"Eli."
"No, look," Eli sniffed. Of course, he was crying instead of being awesome and talking Dax out of his stupidity. "You saved my life, Maddox. I can never tell you how much it means to me that I can literally text or call you anytime I need to. Just knowing you're there and that you know what I'm going through is the only thing that gets me through some days. I love you, Maddox, and I know you don't think it matters if you come out or not but believe me, the kid who wanted to shoot himself in the face until you came along, when I say it matters. You have no idea how many other kids there are out there just like me who might not be lucky enough to have you following them. They may not be able to DM you like I did or they might not be brave enough to even say anything to you because they don't know you'll understand. It matters, Dax, it matters so much."
"I never said it didn't, I just thought maybe I could wait," Maddox sounded funny but Eli couldn't tell if it was because he'd gotten to him or if it was because Eli was crying so hard he was actually starting to shake.
"I don't know Jackson, but I do know you deserve so much better," Eli could barely get the words out.
"I'm sorry," Maddox whispered.
"I think I'm gonna go."
"No, please," Maddox begged. "I'm sorry, I just, I was just thinking about waiting but I guess I need to keep thinking."
"What does your dad think?"
"I haven't talked to him about it," Maddox admitted.
"Maybe you should," Eli said. "I love you, Dax, I'm going to go."
"Are you okay?"
"No," Eli said and hung up before Maddox could say anything else. Maddox tried to call him back but Eli didn't answer.
As Eli stared at his phone all he could see was his dream of how life would be once Dax came out going up in smoke. Gone were the visions of walking into school and having everyone finally keep a respectful distance.
What hurt most was how that was all he wanted. He knew better than to think he'd suddenly be popular or that everyone would want to be his friend. Eli hadn't even hoped for one friend. All he'd imagined was that people would stop hurting him.
But even that hope, that pathetic sliver of hope, was gone. And why? Because Dax was scared of losing a guy who wouldn't even date him? How could anyone be so important to someone that they would try to hide who they were?
When his phone didn't stop ringing, Eli threw it across the room. He saw the pictures of himself with Dax and flew at them, blindly swiping at the printouts until they were completely shredded and tears made it impossible to see.
Everything he'd wanted was gone. Just like that. The first time since his Mom and sister died he'd dared to dream of something better. Maybe it was pathetic and sad that he couldn't dream bigger but Eli's little dream was everything to him. The only thing that got him through the day sometimes.
The walls seemed to close in on him. He hadn't felt that way in months, but as his thoughts raced Eli realized he had nothing to live for anymore. He'd shared his entire soul with Maddox and even that wasn't enough to make a difference. So what was the point?
He was home alone but it didn't matter. Eli stormed through the house, searching everywhere for a knife or a gun his Dad hadn't hidden away. This time he wasn't going to stall or let anyone, especially not Maddox Bieber, get in the way of getting himself out once and for all.
But no matter where Eli looked, he couldn't find anything. Even the kitchen knives were missing from the block - including the funny l-shaped one meant for cheese. As if he could kill himself with a cheese knife.
The idea was so horrifyingly funny that Eli started laughing. If he hadn't felt crazy before, he sure did then. Only a crazy person laughed about their suicidal thoughts. Eli knew that much.
His dad was already off to the bar so there was no one to notice when he took the keys to the gas station and slipped out into the late Sunday morning fog. It was only too convenient that they weren't open on Sundays. Eli wasn't sure if there would be a knife in the garage but there was definitely a box cutter under the register.
The humid air didn't distract him from his mission at all. Eli felt like the walk was shorter that day than usual. He knew it was probably blasphemy but he thanked God that everything was working out so he could get through his plans.
Eli let himself into the gas station store and turned off the alarm. For a brief second he thought about taking the box cutter into the bathroom right there but the idea of being a nuisance for his family stopped him. Instead he slipped the box cutter into his pocket and locked up again.
He headed into the woods. The fire station was on the other side so it would make for easy clean up. Eli found a tree and sat down before he took the box cutter and dug in.
The hot sting drove him on. Eli couldn't even see what he was doing when the tears clouded his eyes but part of him was crying out for joy. It was almost over. At long last.
As he watched the results of his work, Eli knew he should feel bad. He'd always heard that most people wanted to change their mind right as they were committing suicide. Part of him did feel guilty for leaving his dad, but a much louder voice shouted that his dad had already left him too many times. If he were a better dad he would have stopped drinking. He would have known how miserable Eli was.
The longer Eli sat, waiting, the more angry thoughts swirled through his head. How dare Maddox take away his hope? Take away hope for all the other gay kids out there who needed to know the truth? And what about his brothers? How could they just sit back and watch while Eli drowned? Especially-
"Levi," Eli groaned when he saw his brother running toward him. "No, no, no."
"God dammit, Eli," Levi yanked his shirt off and put it on Eli's wrist. "What did you do?"
"No, stop," Eli protested. "Let go!"
"You stupid lil shit," Levi's voice broke. "Don't fuckin tell me to leggo, I ain't gonna lose you too."
Eli tried to fight but Levi was so much stronger. He wrestled Eli onto his back and nearly sat on him so he could keep the shirt to his wrists. Eli was so out of breath he could barely understand what Levi was saying as he called 911.
The serious downside to being so close to the fire station was that the firemen came running through the woods just seconds later. They had Eli off the ground and in the back of an ambulance before Levi could even find their dad.
"How'd you even fine me?" Eli demanded as they were sped off to the hospital.
"Did you forget I live over the garage? I heard you downstairs and looked out to see who'd come in. Had to be one of ya cause the alarm din't go," Levi explained. "God, Eli, how could you?"
"How could I not?"
The question hung there for the rest of the ride. They wheeled him into the Emergency Room where the doctor looked over Eli's cuts and decided they wouldn't even need stitches. That was how sad his suicide attempt really was. He couldn't even cut deep enough.
The hospital wouldn't release him until he talked to a psychiatrist but the psychiatrist wasn't allowed to talk to Eli until his dad gave permission. Eli waited for hours while Levi called everyone he could think of to try and track down their dad. Someone finally found him two counties away.
To his credit, Eli's dad wasn't falling down drunk when he showed up in the Emergency Room. He looked very small as the psychiatrist explained that he wanted to evaluate Eli without him in the room. Eli's dad agreed and they took Eli in a wheelchair to a private room.
"Eli, can you tell me what happened today?"
"I tried to kill myself," Eli knew that was obvious. "And did a really shitty job."
Which was how Eli found himself being admitted to the hospital. His father picked him up three days later, not saying much until they got home.
"Your, uh, counselor said she worked it out wit' the school to where you ain' gotta go back for another week," his dad cleared his throat. "She's got some papers for if you wanna go to the other high school for nex' year. I kin sign em, but I, uh, thought I should ask first."
"Change schools for senior year?" Eli hadn't known that was even possible.
"Yeah, she seemed to think you was gettin some trouble up there at the school," his father shrugged. "Said it won' stop, so, uh, if you want we could make it work."
"I'll think about it," Eli nodded.
"Eli," his dad cleared his throat again. "I thought you was gettin' better, you know, since that Bieber kid came to visit. But up there at the hospital they tol' me sometimes it looks like someone is gettin' better jus' before...anyway, I jus' need you to know I, uh," he paused. "It'd break my heart, Eli, you know? I spent the last few days thinkin' 'bout how I'd ever be able to explain to your Mama that I...I..."
"Dad, it didn't have anything to do with you."
"She always knew what to do, your Mama did, I ain't got a clue what I'm s'posed to do for ya," his dad didn't seem to hear him and to Eli's dismay the tears started pouring down his dad's face. "I'm real sorry, Eli, I am. I wish I knew how to make it better, son. I just...cain't fix it."
"No one can," Eli shook his head. Everything in him was crying out to hug his dad, so much that his arms were almost twitching. But his feet were frozen in place and he stood there, trying not to watch as his dad struggled to stop crying.
"I, uh, gotta git to work. Levi's gonna come sit with ya till I get back," his dad finally pulled it together. "I have a meetin after that but I'll be home."
"I'll be up," Eli looked away.
"I'm not goin out, it's just a meetin'," his dad insisted.
"Where's my phone?"
"Levi plugged it up in the kitchen. He was worried it might run down."
"Thanks," Eli went to get it and saw that he had way too many texts and missed calls from Maddox. His heart dropped. He'd almost forgotten about their fight. Almost.
When Eli looked up from his phone, his dad was standing in the door to the kitchen watching him. He looked uncomfortable and his eyes were still red from crying.
"You gonna head to work?" Eli asked him.
"Yeah, in a minute," his dad looked around before heading toward the fridge. "You hungry?"
"No, I'm probably just gonna take a nap."
"I could heat you up some of this macaroni," his dad offered. "Or, uh, there's some leftover fried chicken. I stopped at the Bojangles yesterday."
"You don't cook, do you?" Eli realized.
"Naw, I never learnt," his dad shook his head. "Imma be in real trouble when you see fit to get married, kid," he started to smile but stopped when he looked at Eli. "I kin make sammiches. I'll git by."
"Dad, I," Eli's throat closed. He wasn't sure what he meant to say but it didn't seem like anything was going to come out of his mouth.
"Yeah, Eli?"
"I-I'm," Eli swallowed. "I'm..."
The back door flew open, almost slamming as Levi came inside. A deep bark sounded from down the hall and, a moment later, Levi's big black dog came bounding into the kitchen.
"Sorry, Dad, I lost track a time," Levi apologized. "Mags! Git off me."
"Why's Magnum here?" Eli frowned as he watched Levi greet his dog.
"D'you git Mr. Cooper's tares done?" Their dad let the fridge door swing shut.
"Yeah, called him on my way over," Levi nodded. "He should be by to git his car soon."
"Good. See y'all later then," their dad glanced at Eli one more time before he left. Eli felt the worst kind of relief wash over him. He'd been so close to coming out to his dad, so close, but Levi fixed that.
"Was you about to eat?" Levi opened the fridge again.
"Nah, I'm gonna take a nap," Eli sighed, looking at his phone. He definitely wasn't going to answer Dax. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Maybe."
"Just open my texts so the notification goes away. Don't reply or anything," Eli unlocked his phone.
"Am I gonna be famous if I read a text from Maddox Bieber?" Levi joked. "I saw you got like two million followers."
"I can tell people to follow you if you want," Eli offered. He watched Levi take his phone.
"You don't wanna see em at all?" Levi made a face and opened Eli's messages. "Shit, Eli, those are all from Maddox?"
"It's not like I have friends."
"He's your friend, ain't he?" Levi started scrolling. "He's worried, Eli."
"He's not my friend, I barely know him," Eli waited for Levi to close the messages again. "Thanks."
"Sure," Levi held the phone for a second before he handed it back. "I went back to get that for you, so you know."
"Went where?" Eli asked.
"It fell out of your pocket back in them woods," Levi turned to the fridge. "I knew you'd be real mad if you lost it so I went and got it."
"Thank you," Eli wasn't sure what else to say to his brother. It felt like he should say more but he didn't know where to start. "I'm just gonna take a nap now."
"I might do that too. Probably grab a shower first."
"Okay."
Eli started for his room and Magnum followed him. He looked at Levi's dog as he walked down the hall, but it didn't hit him until he saw the door for what had once been Levi and Isaiah's bedroom standing open. Levi's bag was sitting on the bed.
It hit him as hard as if someone smacked him in the stomach with a bag of rocks. Levi was there to watch him. His dad wouldn't even trust him alone anymore. Eli didn't know how to take that. The walls would close in a lot faster if someone was always there to watch him.
He took a nap, waking only when Levi's dog started to bark. Eli waited to see if Levi was going to shut him up but he didn't so Eli got up and went to see what had the dog all worked up.
The sheriff's car was in the driveway. Eli sighed but opened the door.
"Hey there, Eli," Sheriff Johnson looked him over. "You have a minute to talk with me?"
"Uh, well, Dad said not to have anyone in while he's out," Eli mumbled the excuse, hoping the sheriff wouldn't get upset.
"I know, I'm not here to cause trouble for ya, son," the sheriff nodded. "I just wanted to chat. Ya got a bunch of people pretty worried about ya."
"Sorry."
"Is your brother here?" the sheriff pointed to Levi's truck.
"Yeah, I think he's taking a nap," Eli shrugged.
"Look, Eli, I know sometimes it's hard when you've had some rough times. Please just know you can always call me if you need," Sheriff Johnson smiled but it looked very forced to Eli. "I've had a long talk with your Daddy. He's goin to the AA meetings now. It won't fix everything, but it should help."
"Oh, okay," Eli suddenly understood what his dad had meant about going to a meeting after work. That was...weird. Why would his dad agree to join AA?
"You got lucky, Eli. I know you may not think that now, but you did," the sheriff looked around again. "Alright, well you have my number."
"Yeah," Eli didn't actually but he figured he could find it if he ever did need it for some reason. He waited until the sheriff started back to his car before he shut the door.
"What did he want?" Levi asked.
"Not sure," Eli admitted.
"He's probably checkin up," Levi sighed. "You know, Eli, they coulda taken you away from Dad."
"Why?"
"Them all at the hospital, they was talkin bout neglect," Levi shook his head. "Cause Dad was so far away that day and how you've been in there to that ER so many times. An they all know he drinks so they talk. But you bein so close to 18 that counselor of yours said it wasn't needed."
"Karen," Eli hadn't realized his counselor had shown up at the hospital that day too. "I tried not to make trouble, I really did."
"You cain't try doin that and not make trouble at the same time," Levi looked away. "Are you mad it din't work?"
"No. It's just one more thing I can't do right."
"Shit, Eli," Levi raised his eyes to the ceiling. "I would just smack you if I thought it would git you to snap out of this."
"I wish that would work. I would let you," Eli shrugged.
Levi didn't say anything to that, he just walked away.
That was the last conversation Eli had with anyone in his family about his suicide attempt. After that, no one brought it up again. Levi basically moved back into the house. Their dad kept going to AA meetings but they never talked about that either.
Eli avoided Maddox for as long as he could, but he couldn't make himself stay off the internet. He went back to school where the other kids finally kept their distance. It was the only good thing to come out of the whole mess at first.
Maddox stopped texting for a whole week until one day he sent Eli a text asking him to watch Ellen that day. At first Eli had no plans to do it but his dad had the TV on and Eli was in the kitchen when he heard Ellen welcome Maddox to the show. It only took a few seconds before his dad was hollering for him.
"Eli!"
"Yeah?" Eli went into the family room, as if he had no idea what his dad wanted.
"You ain't gonna watch Maddox on the TV?"
"I forgot," Eli bit his tongue. Maddox looked so good that day. It was hard to make himself look away.
"Aw, hell, Eli, git in here," his dad shook his head. "You ain't forgot. I don't mind watchin for a few minutes."
"You don't have to, I can watch it online later," Eli was already drifting to the chair. His dad grumbled something Eli couldn't understand and turned the volume up as Maddox sat down in the seat across from Ellen.
It was hard to relax and listen while his dad was sitting right there. Eli kept thinking about how hard it was to stay mad at someone who looked like Maddox. It was like he'd somehow gotten more attractive.
"Is there anyone special in your life these days?" Ellen was asking.
"No, uh, I was kind of seeing someone but that's over now," Maddox shrugged but broke into the most beautiful grin when the girls in the audience let out a big "aww."
"And if someone were interested in dating you, what's the first thing she'd have to do?" Ellen asked.
"Uh, well, I'm gay so she'd have to be a guy," Maddox smirked.
Eli dropped his water bottle. He couldn't hear anything Ellen said after that, just Maddox saying "I'm gay" over and over. His heart stopped for what felt like a very long time. Maddox had done it. He'd come out. On live television.
When he recovered, Eli realized his dad was staring at the TV with a strange look on his face. His dad was gripping the arms of the chair so hard his knuckles were white. That got Eli's heart moving again - fast.
"I should go do my homework," Eli scrambled to pick up his water bottle and get out of the room but he wasn't fast enough.
"Eli?"
"Yes, Dad?"
"Did, uh, did you know that Maddox was.....gay?"
"Yeah, Dad, I knew," Eli was afraid to look at him. "He told me."
"An you an him, are you still talkin? Like friends?"
"He's my friend," Eli agreed. "He told me that day he came here."
"Did you know he was gonna git up there and tell the world?"
"No, he, um, last time we talked he wasn't sure he was gonna do it," Eli didn't know why he was telling his dad so much but he felt better as long as he was the one talking. "What he said about being single, that's cause the guy he was seeing, um, well, he told Maddox if he came out that he was gonna break up with him so Dax wasn't sure he should say anything but I guess he decided to, which um, is good because I was kind of pissed that he was gonna let some stupid boy tell him how to live his life."
"So it don' bother you?"
"Huh?"
"Nothin," his dad shook his head. "Din't you say you had to study?"
"Do you mean does it bother me that Dax is gay?" Eli realized a second later.
"No, I kin tell you don' care 'bout that," his dad didn't look at him. Eli waited another second but his dad seemed to be ignoring him so he went to his room.
He tried to do homework, he really did but he kept thinking about how Maddox said it so casually. Like it was no big deal. How was it possible to make an announcement like that and just be so calm? Was that how he'd told Justin too?
The more Eli thought about it, the more impossible it seemed. He'd never be that calm when he finally told his dad. It wasn't fair. Guys like Maddox had no idea how easy they had it. And Dax almost hadn't even done it.
Before he knew what he was doing, Eli started calling Maddox. His hands were shaking and he was crying but he didn't care. He had to hear his voice and tell him everything.
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Writing these sad chapters is breaking my heart. I was so depressed when I wrote Haunted, I'm glad to see that I'm better now but mannnn. I tell you. It makes writing this so much harder because I want to get to the cute parts right away. We'll get there, I promise, as always. In the meantime we have Levi to make it all a little easier.
Fun fact: If you jump over and read the matching chapter in Haunted (which I just posted here) you'll get to see what I think is still the best line from the story even after all this time because it makes its first appearance in that chapter.
Thanks for reading! Would love to hear from you, especially if you remember which line I'm talking about :)