So I'm back again... Back to square one.
I've been settled in a private room, all by myself... But that's not a good sign.
I'm in my hospital gown and apparently I'm going to surgery in just a few minutes.
I knew they said things were going
To be happening quickly, but I'm seriously shocked by how rushed it's all been. It's much more rushed than last time.
I'm back to being one of the sickest ones again. And chemotherapy hasn't even started yet. My body is sick, but I haven't felt it significantly on the outside yet.
On my last day of chemo over 5 months ago, I remember watching melody and how scared she was and how loads of doctors were coming into her room. I was happy that I wasn't the sick one anymore. But now I'm back, and it's my first day and I'm already one of the most sickest ones here.
I've barely had five minutes by myself, doctors and nurses just continuously coming in my room to prep me for surgery and attach an IV line. After I get my port put back in, I won't need to use an IV. IV's hurt a lot more than ports. But my port was always annoying and i'd always hoped that I never had to see that small lump coming out of my chest ever again.
Well... There are many things that I hoped never to happen again, but they have happened, and I guess moaning about it isn't going to help.
I'm now lying on my bed, already starting to feel weak. The Cancer in me is growing fast, so fast that I can literally feel it taking over a new part of my body each day.
Ben is holding my hand over the edge of the bed. I watch him out the corner of my eye, as he stares deeply into my deteriorating soul. I can stop myself from dying, (technically right now I am dying, without treatment) I just need to get through this chemotherapy.
My mum is pacing up and down the room, with her head in her hands and breathing wearingly.
"Mum it's alright, I feel fine, honestly."
She looks at me but refuses to reply. I'm lying... About being fine. And I think it's got to a point where she can see through what's on the outside, and see the sick person underneath that is waiting to be revealed.
Finally, the nurse comes in.
"They're ready for you in surgery now Darcy"
"Okay, Thankyou nurse. Come on Darcy " my mum says and walks over to the bed to give me a hand getting up.
"Mam, she can go in a wheelchair If she wants, it might be easier."
"No, she's fine, she can walk. "
"How about we ask darcy"
Everyone looks over to me.
Well... To be honest I would prefer a wheelchair, I don't think my body will be able to take walking all the way up to surgery. But I can see in my mums eyes the desperation to know that I'm okay. Even though she kind of knows the truth, I think she's in a bit of denial, she just wants to show herself that I am not sick yet and that I can walk to surgery. Even though we both know deep down that I can't, I'm going to do it anyway. It will make me more relaxed, and less tense knowing that my mum will be slightly happier whilst I'm in surgery.
"Look after her ben" I say just before I lay on the operating table.
"She'll be alright Darcy, just concentrate on yourself yeah. I'll see you on the other side"
He gives me a cheeky wink and makes me feel at ease with going into the first surgery. I will see him on the other side... A new side to life.
On the other side, I will be a different person to the one who came in.
I won't just be a 17 year old girl anymore... I will be a sick Cancer patient who is fighting for her own life...
--
I'm thankful it's over, but really, it's only just getting started.
It's been a few hours since I woke up and I'm recovered now, and just lying back in my room with ben and my mum.
Dr. Kartor is just coming in to tell me what's actually going on
"Hi doctor" my mum shakes his hand. Then he walks over and sits in a chair next to my bed.
"Hi everyone, how you feeling darcy, alright?" He asks then places his hand on my forehead "yeah, still quite hot but the fluids should help with that."
"I'm alright thanks" I say.
"Good. Now, we still won't be getting the full results from your MRI until later this afternoon, but for now, I want to get you started on chemotherapy."
"Already!" My my sounds shocked.
"Yes Sarah, we don't know exactly how bad it is, but it's crucial that we start chemo now, every single day is going to be important, and we have no more time to loose. So, I'm putting you on a very strong dose of chemo, so you will need to have 3 hours of fluid before and after to protect your organs. I will be in this afternoon with more results and we can make an exact plan of what's going to happen over the next few months alright."
"Thankyou Doctor" my mum says then shakes his hand (again) as he walks out.
"Darcy, if you don't mind I'm just going to get some fresh air" says my mum looking very flustered and stressed.
"Yes mum, of course, that's fine"
And she walks out leaving just me and ben in the room.
"So, you sure you're alright?" He asks.
"Well no, but why would I be? You heard him, I'm now on a really strong dose of chemo, and that means the side effects are going to be even worse. I'm going to lose my hair again ben, I was finally at a point where I was happy with how i looked, but now I'm back to square one again. I'm not going to see myself with a full head of hair for atleast another year. "
"Darcy you can't afford to think like this. Yes you're going to lose your hair, but there are so many other important things to be worrying about. Come on, you know that...you're the one who has been telling yourself and giving all these inspirational speeches about not caring about the little things in life... It's just not worth it. And you of all people, know that's true."
I hesitate to reply, because I know he's right. "Okay fine, you are right. What would I do without you?"
"It would be a terrible life without me" he jokes and we both laugh.
"Of course it would, you keep me sane throughout all this madness."
"I'm here for you... I am prepared for this journey no matter how long it takes, and what we have to deal with a long the way. But what you need to ask yourself is, are you?"
I need to think long and hard, but I finally come up with a reply "I guess I have to be, even though it's impossible to prepare for a journey when you don't know where the destination is. I will give it my best"
--
The results are back.
I don't know how to prepare myself for this. But I guess I already know they're going to be bad. But how bad? Is what I need to find out.
"So, darcy, Sarah, ben... " ben has become so involved with my Cancer journey that the doctors now refer to him as part of our family, ans they let him know everything. "I have her results here. Now I know it's not going to be what you want to hear, but we already know that it's not going to be good news. "
Just get on with it is what I'm thinking in my head.
"So... Darcy, we know that leukaemia is a Cancer of the blood. But sometimes it can spread to the lymphnodes. Cancer of the lymphnodes is called lymphoma, but that's not what you have. You have a secondary Cancer in the lymphnodes that has spread from the Cancer in your blood. It's still treatable, it will just make the process a little harder. Also, I'm afriad that it has also spread back into your lungs. But it isn't too advanced yet, it looks like ,from the scans, that it's only recently spread there. But we managed to easily get rid of it last time, so I'm sure the chemotherapy will have no problem in clearing that up. So basically... It's still treatable, that is unless it spreads to the brain. That would be like the breaking point for us. Once it's spread to the brain, I'm afriad it will be incurable. But that hasn't happened yet! So let's just get on with the treatment and hope that it never does."
Well it certainly isn't good news. But I wasn't expecting anything less.
The only thing that terrified me is the way he said let's "hope". As in there's nothing left to do other than hope that it is still cureable. That's petrifying. Knowing my life depends on hope.
--
It's now the evening, and my mum has fallen asleep on the guest bed next to mine. Because I'm an inpatient and am likely to be staying here for a long time, there's an extra bed on the other side of the room where a parent or family member can stay.
But Ben's still here, and he's certainly not asleep.
"Hey cupcake, you tired?" He whispers trying not to wake my mum up.
"Sort of, but I don't want to go to sleep yet" I reply back.
"Okay, well we should do something then" he excitedly climbs into bed next to me and gets underneath the covers.
"You feel like talking?" He asks.
"I guess, but talking about this will just make me upset. I want it to be more enjoyable this time. if I start being all grumpy again, please snap me out of it."
"Alright then, that sounds like a good plan." He turns on his side to face me then sweetly kisses my lips. "So have you thought about how you're going to tell all your friends."
"Oh sh- I forgot about that."
"That's fair enough, you've had a lot on your mind."
"Well I don't know how I'm going to tell them, I actually have more than one friend this time. Gosh, isn't being popular annoying" I say with a hint of sarcasm which makes us both laugh but still doesn't wake up the snoring mother.
"Well...I've got an idea" ben says.
"Well go on then, what is it?"
"What do people do when they want a lot of people to find out information about their lives... And fast."
"Er... I dunno..." I think long and hard.
"Social media!"
"Oh yeah"
"You want anything to be spread around quickly, social media will do it. Post a pic and a status on snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, you'll be a hit within seconds."
"Well I don't know really, I'm usually against all this stuff. It just seems desperate, like I just want attention and sympathy from everyone."
"Darcy, if people know you well enough, then they will know that that is not like you. Plus... Won't it be easier than actually having to confront loads of people face to face. And repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Here you just get to do in one go, and you don't actually have to interact with anyone at the same time. It's perfect!"
"Okay fine. But what should I post?"
"How about a picture. You want people to stop scrolling through and actually pay attention to your post, then post a pic. No one reads just boring statuses anymore do they?"
"But I don't have any interesting pics to post."
"Let's take one now. Of both of us."
"I don't know"
"Come on, we're lying in a hospital bed, with tubes and machines surrounding you, that's certainly one way to get a lot of sympathy and attention."
"Alright then, let's do it"
I turn on my phone and put it on selfie mode. I never really take selfies, especially not when I'm in hospital looking in my worst state. But oh well, it needs to be done.
I post a picture and a status on snapchat, Instagram and facebook. And switch off my phone and wait for the madness to start.
I posted this "hi guys, it's Darcy. Just thought I would Let you all in on some recent bad news. As you all know, I battled Cancer for a year and now I'm a survivor!!! Unfortunately, 5 months later, the Cancer has returned. I got diagnosed again last night. It came as a shock to me and all my family, and I suppose it will come as a shock to all of you too. I wanted to tell you all face to face, but it would just be too difficult for me. Plus... I'm probably going to be spending the rest of my summer in hospital lying in bed, so I wouldn't get a chance to anyway. So think yourselves lucky... You don't realise what you have until it's taken away from you. So enjoy your summers, make the most of the time you get to spend with your family and friends, because you never know what's going to happen tommorow.
Anyway... Sorry for this realllllllllyyyyyy long post, but I hope it was useful. I'm going to be okay, I've got the best boyfriend in the world right beside me right now. I'll hopefully get to see some of you soon. Enjoy your summers!!!"
--
I'm woken by the sound of the beeping machines. A sound I certainly did not miss.
I don't even remember going to sleep last night, but we were all obviously really tired.
I then turn to my side where I notice ben is still holding me, but he's fast asleep. My mum is no longer there, I start getting worried until she walks in the room.
"Oh hey darling you're up!" She says, drops her coffee then runs over to me.
"Yeah, literally just woken up though"
"Oh that's alright darling you can go back to sleep now if you want. How you feeling, tired? Nauseous? Hot?"
"No mum I'm honestly fine. And I'm not lying just to make you feel better. Trust me."
"Alright baby I believe you. I'll be sitting over there if you want me."
"Hey mum! What time is it?"
"It's 10 o'clock sweetie"
"10 o'clock!" I says surprised.
"Yeah, the doctors came in and started you on chemo whilst you were asleep."
"How did I not wake up?!"
"I'm not sure, I think yesterday was just such a hectic day, you were just so tired. We all were! I mean look at ben, he's soundo"
"I'm surprised you let him stay with me like this all night?"
It's a bit awkward having your mum in the room whilst your boyfriends cuddling you.
"You both just looked so peaceful, I'd never seen you both so happy together. It made me happy."
"Well Thankyou, i'd give anything to make you happy"
Ben eventually wakes up and goes downstairs to the coffee shop and gets some breakfast.
I can't believe He's okay with spending his summer holidays in the hospital again.
We've got 4 weeks left, the sun isn't going to be out forever. But then again... I don't want him to leave.
I've got a new nurse who comes in every day to assist me with everything. But I miss Bella. She was so much nicer and sympathetic. And she actually liked to have a chat now and again. This time i have an older lady, not saying she isn't nice, but she's not the easiest person to speak to.
Ben comes back more awake after his large coffee, and we decide to go for a walk around the ward.
My mum stays in my room and reads the newspaper, whilst ben walks around with me.
"This stupid pole. I thought I got rid of you!" I shout to the pole, but ben laughs.
"Don't be mean to the pole, it's done nothing to you."
Ben is doing a great job at keeping me entertained so far, I want him to stay with me forever. But I know he'll have to go home at some point.
Whilst walking along, I spend a lot of time just watching ben so I'm not paying attention to actually where I'm walking. This causes me to collide with another patient.
"Darcy!" She shouts and looks excited.
"Um, hi?" At first I don't recognise her, but then suddenly, I realise "OMG Melody, it's you. "
We instantly give eachother a hug. But then she looks back at my withering face, and her smile drops.
"What are you doing back here? I thought... But... You were cured." She says sounding so concerned.
"Um... About that, yeah, I was cured! I had the best 5 months of my life. But unfortunately I found out I relapsed a few days ago. "
"Oh no darcy I'm so sorry for you." She gives me another hug "you must be devastated"
"Yeah, we all are" I look up to ben. "This is my boyfriends by the way. Ben, this is melody ."
"Yes, hi ben, I remember you from 5 months ago." She says.
"Oh hi melody, I didn't recognise you, without the hair and all."
"Ben!" I shout towards him.
"Oh... Sorry melody. Didn't mean to offend you."
"Oh that's alright I'm used to it now. Being bald isn't actually too bad. Thanks to you Darcy. You made me realise that there are much more important things going on than to worry about my hair. I don't think I would have been able to get through this all without you"
"Well your welcome melody.. It's nice to know that my little speech was actually worth while. Anyway... So how are you doing now then? What's it been like?"
"I'm doing alright thanks, I've only got two more rounds of chemo left! I had surgery to remove all the main tumours , only a few days after you left actually, then I needed 6 rounds of chemotherapy to make sure all the rest was gone! I have one round each month. I have to stay here for a week each time. But it hasn't been that bad, like you said, I've made great friends with all the nurses and doctors here. Unfortunately, I did loose a friend to Cancer last week. Carly, she was 13. Battled Cancer for 4 years! She was amazing and I learnt a lot from her. But anyway... Enough about my depressing story, how are you?"
"Oh I'm so sorry for your loss, she sounds like a great person. But I'm glad that you have been doing well, only a 2 months left to go then?"
"Yes, I should be done by October my doctor says."
"That's amazing, I'm super happy for you."
"Thanks!"
"Well I'm going to be here all week. Lucky me. I'm coming in every 3 weeks for a week of chemo. Don't know how long for though. It's quite serious this time, it's going to be hard, but I'm up for anything that Cancer throws at me."
"You're so amazing, no matter what, you always manage to stay positive. Well I better go now, but I'm sure I'll see you around here soon. There's not many places we can go around here"
"Of course, I'll see you around "
We share another long hug, then we both drag our poles back to our room.
"You don't want to stay out a bit longer?" Ben asks.
"Nah, it's alright, I'm quite tired"
"Alright then, let's go"
I lean in his shoulder and he supports me as we walk back.
--
I haven't looked at my phone since last night.
Ive been a bit nervous to. I don't know how people are going to react to my statuses.
"We'll do it together" says Ben. He comes and lies back in bed with me, with my mum on her own bed on the other side of the room.
I switch on my phone and am swarmed with heartfelt messages, private and public. Loads of privates messages on facebook, and lots of likes and comments on Instagram and my facebook post.
Snapchats, tweets, everything! I've never been so overwhelmed with this much support.
The messages range from things like;
'Oh Darcy I'm so sorry for you. This is terrible news"
"Hope you get better soon"
"Kick Cancers butt!"
"I hate Cancer"
"You can do this, I believe in you"
"Can't believe it's happened again, best of luck to you and your family"
Some are from close friends, some are from people who I know around college, but don't really speak to.
A lot of people have shared my posts too, so I'm getting a lot of messages from people I actually don't know.
Which is kind of cool! It's great to know I'm being supported by everyone.
The private messages are from people who are closer to me.
Like Chelsea and Abbie.
Chelsea text me saying...
"Oh my darling Darcy, I am so sorry to hear the news once again. It must be so devastating for you and your family. I'm very sorry this is happened to you again, I don't understand how this is possibly fair. Some things in the world just don't make sense. But anyway... I'm sure you'll be alright, I know how strong you are, and how you will never give up. I will be supporting you all the way, until you're cured (because I know you will be). Whenever you're free to meet up, I would love to have a chat. But I understand if you can't because you're very busy right now, I get that. Get well soon darcy, love you miss you xxxx"
"Aww that's so sweet" I say to ben.
"Ugh, that's girl stuff, boys would just shake hands and wish eachother good luck. Not all of this, girlfriend, darling talk"
"Oh ben, but that's guys. Girls have more of a heart than boys do"
"Hey! We have hearts too, but only for people like you" he kisses me on the forehead then we carry on reading my messages.
Abbies is very similar, I won't read out all of it because it's very long, but just a section of it.
"Oh darcy, I don't know how you manage to deal with this all so well. I'm a wreck right now and I'm not even the one going through it!
Even though I wasn't with you last time you went through it, I'm sure your going to deal with it amazingly and I know that you can beat cancers butt. Don't let it win, I love my darcy, and I can't imagine a life without you."
I nearly start crying at all these overwhelming, heart-felt messages. I have such amazing friends, and it's made me lighten up, and made the situation feel better knowing I have so many people backing me up, and helping me along the way.
I reply to some of the messages, the closest friends of mine. But to the others I just post one large status thanking everyone.
I am now feeling more determined than ever to beat this for a second time!
I would be leaving an amazing life and so many amazing people behind... I haven't done everything in life yet that I want to do. I can't go. I just can't.
This time I won't be fighting with just a few people by my side, I will be fighting with an army. A army of friends, family, and a community.