The tension in the air is inescapable. Me and my mum are barely able to make eye contact. Finally, Dr. Kartor speaks up, and he gets straight to saying those three words I never wanted to hear again.
"The Cancer's back... I'm so sorry Darcy"
Both the doctors, me, and my mum are lost for words. All there is to see... Is a tear escaping from my blood-shot eyes.
"Darcy, I know it's going to be hard to listen to right now. But things need to happen now... And fast. There's no easy way to put this... But the Cancer hasn't just come back... It's come back worse.
I'm afriad you're already at stage 4. And as you know... There are only 4 stages. It can still be treatable, but it's going to be hard. Harder than last time. I'm very sorry."
Neither me or my mum can find the words to form a sentence at this horrific moment. A moment I hoped I'd never have to re-live. Three words, I never thought I'd have to hear again;
'You have Cancer'
I have Cancer.
Again!
I'm too upset to do much talking, but I have to say something.
"So when does it start?" I suck up my tears, and grovel to Dr.kartor.
"Ideally... Tommorow."
"Tommorow!" My mum suddenly speaks up.
"Yes, Mrs greenwood, Darcy. I need you to both be aware of the situation. It's not necessarily the fact it's come back at a higher stage that's the problem. It's more that it's come back so fast. 5 months... Is not a long time. Which... Unfortunately... Does mean that the Cancer has come back with a fight. Any Disease that can return so shortly after finishing treatment... Is one that will be harder to get rid of. I'm just telling you this, so you'll be prepared. You do have another long road ahead of you, and I guess all I can say is... Stay strong, and fight with everything you've got. I believe in you Darcy. Like all the staff did when you first came to this hospital. You've done it once, you can do it again..."
Once again, I'm left speechless. There are no words hanging off the edge of my lips.
"I... I... I need a minute... Sorry" i angrily stand up off the chair, and slowly walk out Dr. Kartor's office.
But as soon as I get outside, I start running. I don't know where too... I just can't stop. I try and get away from the life and the journey I'm about to go back into.
This isn't right.
I've done this once. I reached my destination.
I was cured!
But now I'm back, back to square one again.
I don't think i can do it.
I just can't do it.
How will I tell ben?
And all my friends.
And the rest of my family.
Luke!
No. Poor little luke. I CANT put him through this again.
I'm going to have to re-live my worst nightmare. It just can't be happening.
Not again... It can't be happening to me.
Please no, God know please. Don't do this to me!!!
I kneel down in the middle of the hospital car park, and let out everything that I've been holding in for the last few hours.
As the last few drops of mascara fall down my cheeks, I eventually get back up and head into the hospital to collect my mum.
I don't want to be here any longer than I have to.
I'm about to walk into Dr.kartor's office, but I see them both having a deep conversation. Unfortunately, I can't hear what they're saying, but I know it's not good. My mum is letting out a tsunami of tears, I think the Doctor may be holding back some too.
It's at this moment, that I realise the seriousness of the situation. He's obviously telling my mum something that he didn't want to tell me. For the first time... I actually DONT want to know what it is.
After finally collecting my mum and recieving a few hugs from the doctors, we're both out of here.
So what comes next?
Things are going to change forever... For a second time.
But this time I can feel already that it's going to be worse. I've already experienced a full year of a sick patients life, and now I have to do it again. It's not fair, I've done my time!
It was a low risk of me actually getting Cancer in the first place... But for me to have the bad luck of getting it again, I honestly don't understand.
But there's no point moaning about what could have happened and why it happened... Because it has happened!
And there's nothing I can do to reverse it.
The only thing is to go through with all the chemotherapy and treatment again. No matter how painful, it will be worth fighting for. I'm fighting for my life. And I know if I don't try... I won't win.
--
The rest of the evening is spent with me locked in my bedroom feeling helpless and unsettled, and my mum ringing all our family members and informing them of the devasting news.
It's not just me who is being affected by this... I'm about to put my family through a whole load of pain again. I made a promise to luke that I wouldn't leave him anymore. And I vowel not to EVER break that promise.
I won't just fight for me...
I'm fighting for luke,
For my mum,
For my friends,
For all my family,
And for ben.
But he doesn't even know yet. How am I going to break his sweet, innocent heart by telling him 'the Cancers back' when he doesn't even know I was ill in the first place.
He kept an amazing commitment for the whole year, I just feel like it's going to be too hard to ask him to do it all again... Whilst knowing this time it's going to be even more difficult to go through.
I can feel it already starting to take over my body. My lungs feel weaker, my stomach can't sustain much food, and the slightest pin prick can cause an explosion of veins in my entire body.
I won't find out until tommorow exactly how bad it is. They need to go through the MRI scan again to look for anything they might have missed. But I know it's not going to be good.
The only thing I can do now is wait... I'm going to try and make the most of this last normal evening I get to spend with my family. Poor luke, he has no idea.
We sit around The fire place, watching a film. Me and luke cuddled up in a snug blanket, and me holding him firmly, not wanting to let him go.
Tommorow, this won't just change for me. Things will change for anyone who's close to me.
Maybe getting close to lots of new friends wasn't a great idea, now I have to go through torture as I reveal to them the despairing news.
The more people who are close to me, the more people I hurt.
It's time for luke to go to bed now, but me and my mum have decided it's probably best we have the difficult conversation with him tonight.
I tuck him in bed, he's looking as snug as a bug in a rug. I know these are the last moments I will get to witness his delicate smile. After this, I can already picture what dreadful things are going to be going through his mind.
But I have to tell him, he's old enough now to understand the truth. I can't keep a secret as big as this one away from him forever.
"Luke" I start "me and mum have something we would like to talk to you about."
"Okay!"
" now, I'm afriad we have some bad news. But I don't want you to get upset okay, because I'm going to be fine... Just like last time"
"Are you sick again?" He Mutters in his impeccable tone.
"Yes but it's going to be alright... You're a big boy now and I know you're going to be okay when I'm not here. There will be some days when I can't be here with you... But it will be only for a little while."
"No I don't want you to leave again!" He whimpers.
"Luke" my mum thankfully interfers "You want darcy to get better again right?" Shes states.
"Of course"
"Then she's going to have to go away for a while. But only for one week, then she'll be back again. She might not be able to play with you as often, but before you know it, she'll be running outside playing with you again."
"Only a week?" He asks.
"Yes, only for next week. But then I will have to go away again for another week. But trust me... Time will go so fast it won't even feel like I'm gone. "
No more words are spoken from his quivering lips.
Instead, we all cram together to give eachother a comforting hug. It lasts for what feels like a lifetime, but it still isn't long enough.
"You go to sleep now okay, I'll see you in the morning" I kiss him on the forehead then make my way to my room.
"Darcy" my mum quietly whispers before she goes back to her room.
"Yes mum?"
"I want you to know, that no matter what happens, we will always be here for you alright. You will never be alone, no matter the outcome. These past 5 months have been incredible. And if you beat this... We can experience these 5 months again but this time they'll last for a life time. I guess all im trying to say is... Is don't give up. Don't give up on yourself, I know you can do this again. I'm so so sorry this has happened to you, it's not fair for you to have had to gone through this twice. You deserve so much more... We all do."
She pours out her soul in the form of tears, and all I can do is hug her. There's nothing more I can say to make the situation better.
We both go back to our room, and just before I go to sleep I get a text from ben.
'Hey, you want to meet up tommorow? I miss my girl xxxxxx '
I don't know how I'm going to tell him, it's going to be the hardest part out of all of this. I can't do it over text, there's just too much I need to say. I'll have to tell him in the morning, I'm not going to not tell him like last time. It was torture for both of us. I need him by my side whilst going through it. I need him. I don't think I could do it without him.
I'll have to text him back.
'Hey, I miss you too xxx but we also need to have chat, I can't do it over text, I need to tell you face to face. Meet me at my house at 8 tommorow. I know it's early, but trust me, I really want to speak to you. Don't start worrying, all will be explained tommoz. I love you, see you soon xxxxx'
I don't want to read his reply because I know he will be worrying and will probably want me to tell him now. So I make the difficult decision to switch off my phone and wait until the morning before I speak to him again.
--
I had a restless night sleep. Worrying both about ben and the journey I have ahead of me.
I'm going to get sick again. I HATE being sick. And my family hates it too.
It's 7:45 and I watch ben as he pulls up into my driveway.
He sprints towards the front door and frantically rings the doorbell.
My mum answeres the door.
"Hi, Mrs greenwood, where's darcy? She said she needed to have a chat."
"Yes, she's upstairs."
I inhale a large proportion of air, as I know I'm not going to be able to breath during the next few moments with ben.
He rushes upstairs and staright to my room where I'm sitting in my bed.
"Darcy! Are you alright darcy, I texted you back last night but you didn't reply. You had me up all night worried"
"I'm sorry ben, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't ... I can't tell you here, let's go for a walk."
I need some fresh air and some time spent in reality before the hospital becomes my new reality.
Me and ben walk a short distance to a peaceful lake, and stand on a wooden bridge that hovers above its natural beauty.
I lean over the edge and place my arms on the soft wood. Ben comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.
"It's alright darcy, tell me in your own time" it's his soothing voice that just breaks me.
I need to get it over and done with before I explode with tears.
"I don't know how to tell you this ben... But it isn't going To be good. I can't believe this has happened to me again..." He instantly lets go of me and i turn around to find his face startled and his body as frozen as a block of ice.
I think... He is slightly aware of the situation.
"Last night, I went back... Back to the hospital." I decide not to go into all the details, but to just simply blurt it out.
"It's back." No other words could escape my quivering lips.
He acts surprised but deep down I think he knew.
I suddenly I find him building up his negative emotions, which leads to him punching the fence.
"Ben don't be angry, it's no ones fault"
"I know, but it's just NOT FAIR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN? IT's NOT FAIR!"
I give him some space and some time to calm down, so I sit on a bench laying on top of the bridge.
He eventually comes and sits next to me, just 10 minutes later.
"I'm sorry ben, I wasn't too happy about it either. But I want you to know, that I completely understand if you don't want to spend all your time at the hospital again. You've already wasted 1 year of your life I don't expect you to waste another."
" a waste? Oh darcy it wasn't at all a waste of a year. I got to spend a whole year being close to the one I love most.
Darcy I love you"
"I love you too. But I feel like it's too much to ask to make you commit another year of your life to watching me deteriorate."
"Just because its happened again doesn't mean I won't go through it again. We're in this together... Like I always say. From the start to the end... And it obviously hasn't ended yet. Yes it might take up a little more time in my life, but just think of the outcome. I will then get to spend the rest of my life with a healthy, happy girl. It is worth it darcy. I don't want you to feel that way."
I'm extremely happy with his response, obviously I wanted him to stay with me but I still can't help but be upset.
"So when does it all start?" He asks.
"Today." I say sorrowfully.
"Today!" He sounds surprised "so what's going to happen?"
"I'll get my port put back in, then I'm having chemo again. But I don't know exactly what it's going to be like. I haven't told you this yet... It's just all been too hard... But I'll tell you now... Otherwise it will just be too upsetting. It's come back, but it's come back worse. I already have stage 4 Cancer. And there are only 4 stages. So really, this is my last chance. Dr.kartor has already warned me that it's worse than last time and that it will be harder. I just don't know if i can deal with it ben"
"You will darcy, but you won't have to deal with it alone. We'll all be here. I'm sure your mother is going to be very supportive"
"I'm sure she will, but I can already see her having a break down again. But worse. It's too much for her and luke to handle. If anything happens to me, please look after them ben, it won't be safe for them to be left alone."
"We don't need to think like that Darcy. Because it's not going to ever get to that point. Let's not think too far ahead yeah, let's just concentrating on getting you cured. There's no point worrying about things that could happen, let's sort things out before they do happen.
So let's go, well get you back home, and we can prepare for another journey... Together..."