Jeans? No leggings. Jumper? No a dress. Oh I just don't know what to wear. Today is the first day of college and I'm really nervous. I know I'm going to be seen as the 'new girl', because I've never been to that school before. Well... I went in for one day, but hopefully no one remembers me. I can still remember my day in maths, getting bullied by those boys who turned out to be Ben's friends. I really hope, I won't have to deal with them today. Wow, that seems like ages ago. So much has happened since then!
I'm a different person now, I've not only been going through Cancer I have now beaten it! I'm a much stronger and more confident person than ever.
Also, it's Ben's birthday tommorow. I honestly completely forgot about it. I didn't realise that Luke's and Ben's were so close together. I don't know if he's doing anything for his birthday, he hasn't really talked about it much.
I'm also a bit nervous because last time I went to school with ben, I saw a different side to him. That's what started us off on this massive argument, and I really don't want to get into all that again.
Hopefully he's changed now, and doesn't hang out with the people he used to.
Ben is picking me up in about 10 minutes and I'm still not dressed.
Eventually, I decide to go with plain black leggings, a comfy, but sort of skinny grey jumper, and my brown ugg boots. This will do...
I'm about to go downstairs but then I take one last look in the mirror and realise something... What am I going to do about my bald head? I've been so used to all my family and closest friends seeing me bald, but I don't know if I feel comfortable enough to be bald around school. But I don't want to wear a wig due to the incident I had in the toilet last time. My hair isn't going to grow back until I've finished taking my chemo tablets, that's not for atleast another month. Should I wear my hat? But do they allow hats in school?
Ben interrupts my panic by knocking on the door.
I rush downstairs to open it and as soon as I see him I say"what am I going to do about my head?"
"Er... Hi, nice to see you too darcy. Are you excited for today?"
"No! I don't know what I'm going to do about my bald head." I frantically pace up and down.
"Darcy it's alright calm down. We'll sort out something."
"Do they allow wooly hats in school?"
"Not usually, but I'm sure you'll be allowed an exception."
"But that's the thing, I don't want to look different from anyone else, I don't want to stand out like last time. I just want to be a normal girl. I'm cured from Cancer now, I thought I wasn't supposed to be stressed anymore!"
"Darcy darcy calm down alright. It's not that big of a deal. Would it help if I said that people already know you? And know that you're coming in today?"
"Wait what? Other than my old school friends how does anyone know me".
"Well you think I'm going to be able to keep a secret that my girlfriend and best friend is coming to school today with me for the first time? Is that alright? That i told them."
"Yeah, I guess so. But do they know about my situation."
"Not everyone, but a lot of people do. But that's kind of a good thing. People are expecting it, they won't be shocked or stare at you when you come in today."
"Maybe, I guess that's true. But still... What do I do? Go with the wig, or just the hat?"
"The hat!"
"But why?"
"Because you want people to know who you are straight away. If one day you decide you want to wear a wig then no one is going to recognise you and it will be like being the new girl again. Let them know the real you. Plus, your hair will start growing back soon anyway. Isn't it best to not fake who you are and just face them straight on. You'll have to do it at some point. Today is the best day to do it."
"Okay fine, I'm so glad you're here to make all of my decisions for me."
I hug him then rush upstairs to get my hat and bag.
"Bye darling, have a good day alright." My mums says then kisses me on the cheek.
"Thanks mum. I'll be fine. Bye."
Me and ben walk to school, I'm thankful it's quite warm today.
I stand outside the front gate, and take a large breath in... And out.
"What you worried about Darcy? You'll be fine. I'll introduce you to all my friends."
"It's not that, it's just... Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I never thought this day would ever happen. But now I'm here, ready to start my future. It's just... Kind of a big deal to me you know."
"I know, I get it. what are we waiting for then? Let's go start your future."
"Okay" I take another breath in, and don't breath out until I've entered the school grounds.
--
I managed to survive walking through the corridors, I did get a lot of stares, but people were a lot nicer this time. Before. On the first day of school last year. I was just a normal girl, who had hair (a wig), and could be picked on. But now people know about me having Cancer, so people are a lot more sympathetic and polite. Usually I get annoyed with sympathy, but it's better than the other way around.
People say hey to me, people I've never even seen before. Some ask me how I'm feeling.
Things are going really well so far.
"Let me introduce you to my mates."
I grip Ben's hand firmly and take a massive gulp as I come face to face with a lot of older-looking, (good looking) college boys.
"Guys, this is Darcy."
"Oh the girl you won't shut up about?!" One of his friends says.
"She's my girlfriend, what do you expect."
"Does she speak?" One of them says then gets all his 'mates' to laugh with him.
"Yes, I do actually. Thankyou very much." I say forcefully.
"Well okay then, I'm Chris." He leans over and shakes my hand.
"I'm Greg"
"Declan"
"Tye"
"Brayden"
One by one they all shout out their names. They seem nice, not perfect , but nice.
"Can we speak to your girlfriend alone a second please ben if you don't mind" says Brayden.
"Why guys?" Ben replies.
"Just for a chat, none of your business, you don't own her you know."
"I know I don't own her it's just-"
"Ben it's alright." I interrupt. "I'm a big girl, I can handle the situation."
"Alright, I'll be over there. See you in a second yeah."
He pulls me in by my waist and holds a passionate kiss for about 5 seconds.
I can tell he's just doing it to show off Infront of his friends, but to be honest, I don't really mind. Before I went through cancer, I would have been deeply annoyed by something like this. That's why I flipped out at ben last time. But since I've been through it, I've learnt what life is really about... There's no point in getting stressed over the little things, life isn't worth wasting little things like that when there are much more serious problems going on. I know this. I've been through it!
"So... Darcy" speaks Chris "how do you feel about a party tonight?"
"Um... Who's party?"
"Well... It's going to be like a surprise party for ben. It will be round my house, it's his birthday tommorow right?"
"Yeah, so he doesn't know?"
"No, but to be honest... It's just kind of an exuse for us to hang out and get drunk."
"Yeah... I guessed."
"So... You coming? It is your boyfriends birthday, you seem cool, wanna come?"
"Um... Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment. And... Well I don't know. I haven't really been out to a proper Party in a long time."
"Oh come on darcy, your 17! Live a little!"
It annoyes me so much when people say things like this. Having Cancer has taught me how to live. Getting drunk isn't the way, it's a way of wasting your life, not a way of living it.
But it is for Ben's birthday. "Okay fine, I'll go. When are you going to tell him?"
"I'll invite him round tonight, say I need to study or sometbing."
"Okay, I'll probably be coming with him, so see you there then, I guess."
"Yeah, bet you can't wait!"
I walk away, back over to ben, he's talking to a lot more boys. He seems quite popular in this place.
"Hey darcy, what was that about?"
"Oh nothing, just asking me some stupid questions about our relationship."
"Yeah, that does sound like something they would do."
For the rest of the morning ben is just introducing me to everyone he knows. Which, luckily, Is a lot of people, so I won't feel like such a stranger when I go into lessons.
I met one girl who is in my biology and maths class. Chelsea is in my biology class too but I haven't seen her today yet.
It's 10am and time for my first lesson.
"Come sit next to me, the teacher won't mind" says Millie, (the girl who's in my biology class)
"Okay"
As the teacher walks in, I instantly remember him and what happened on that first day. I had to leave his class because he was talking about Cancer cells, and it made me feel sick.
I never returned to his lesson that day, I ended up fainting and going home. I did tell him though the day after that I had Cancer and that I wouldn't be coming back. But now I'm here!
I wonder if he'll recognise me?
"Right class, how are we this morning?"he says as he puts down his brief case on his desk.
"Let's not mess about, let's get staright into it."
He's about to start writing on the board when his eyes lock with mine.
"Oh, hi? Do we have a new girl in the class today."
Everyone turns around and stares directly at me. Great, all the attention is now on me. This is exactly what I wanted! Not.
"Yeah? Sort of" I reply nervously as everyone watches my every movement.
He starts walking towards me "hang on a minute." He says "is it... Darcy?"
"Yeah, I'm back. Hi"
"Oh wow you're back its so nice to see you. So how's everything going? How has it been dealing with Cancer."
I can't believe he just blurted it out to everyone in the class. Suddenly, everyone starts to whisper to eachother and stare at me even more.
"Um... Great thanks. I'm cured now, I don't have Cancer anymore."
"That's amazing, you must be one strong girl."
"Er... Thanks?"
"Well I'm glad you're joining back in with our class. I'm-"
"Sorry I'm late sir" he's interrupted when chelsea runs through the door really late.
"Chelsea! Why are you so late?"
"Long story, can I tell you later?"
"Fine go on then, go and sit at the back of the class. There's a new girl today, you better be nice to her." Chelsea turns her head to me, and her eyes open wide.
"Darcy!" She shouts then runs towards me and gives me a hug, with everyone still staring at me.
"Everyone settle down" sir says.
As he begins the lesson, chelsea continues our conversation, but quietly this time.
"I didn't know you were coming back in today!"
"Yeah, sorry, I should have mentioned something, but I'm here now. And I can't wait to be able to hang out with you everyday."
"Yeah me neither, this will be just like old times. "
"So what's your long story for why you're so late?"
"Oh, I don't have one. I just over slept. But I have the rest of the lesson to come up with one now. See, I'm a genius."
"Er... You sure are"
It's just like old times. Chelsea is still her usual self like she used to be back in senior school.
All the classes for the rest of the day are pretty similar. The teachers make me introduce myself, then everyone finds out about my Cancer. But to be honest, I'm kind of glad that the whole school knows now because I won't get people awkwardly coming up to me and asking me why I have no hair. They already know. They can whisper all they like, it doesn't bother me. Since having Cancer I've leaner not to get affected by the little things, I always see the bigger picture. As long as the people I love and care about are nice to me, that's all that matters.
--
The day wasn't too bad.
Maths was a little nerve racking. The boys who bullied me last time did unfortunately recognise me,
But they were a lot nicer this time. And they actually apologised for their past behaviours. They've certainly done a lot of growing up since last time.
I'm now in my bedroom getting prepared for the party this evening. I don't know what to wear? I decide to wear a tight black dress, I feel and look like a ****But I want to blend in today, I don't want to be that girl who turns up in a pink floral dress, and says that it's wrong to drink alcohol. I want to enjoy tonight. My cancers gone, I should finally start living like a real 17 year old.
Ben has rang me up and invited me to come round his mates house tonight for revision. The plans working. I don't think he has any idea. It's not going to be the best of welcomes or surprises though. Most people will probably be hammered by the time we've got there. I'm not telling my mum where I'm going. I'm just telling her I'm going to Ben's house for the night. I'm glad that she trusts me, but I also feel really bad for lying to her. But if I told her the truth, then she wouldn't let me go. And i want to celebrate Ben's 17th birthday with him.
And even though of everything that happened today, I am going in a wig. I won't be able to party and blend in, with a bald head or a wooly hat on. So I'm wearing my brown wig today. It's quite long and has a cute side fringe that I need to constantly flick back to get out my eyes. I might be moaning now, but honestly, I can't wait for it to grow back so I don't have to deal with this hassle anymore.
I arrive at bens house then we walk to Chris' house. So he's not suspicious, I where a large coat to cover up my dress.
"You look nice today, you're wearing more make up then usual. Any reason?"
"No, I just... Felt like a change."
"Well it looks very nice."
We finally arrive at his house. There is loud music blasting from indoors.
"What on earth is that?" Ben says and runs to the door.
"Ben wait" he opens the door and a few people shout "surprise"
"Wait, what is this?" He asks.
"It's a surprise birthday party. I didn't organise it, your friends did, but i don't know where they are. I'm sorry the surprise kind of sucked."
"No that's alright, this looks awesome, I can't wait to party!" He runs indoors and leaves me standing on the door step.
I've got a feeling I won't be seeing much of him tonight. I don't really know anybody though, hopefully Chelsea's here.
Speaking of the devil"darcy hey."
Chelsea comes running over with a drink in her hand.
"Hey chelsea"
"You look nice, you coming in. Come on... Don't be afriad, I know you're not used to this, but trust me, you'll have a lot of fun."
She grabs my hand then painfully pulls me inside.
The music is so loud I can barely hear myself think. I'm not much of a party girl. I never have been. I've always avoided these kind of social situations, but I want to start getting into it more. I don't want to be the same shy girl I used to be.
I scramble around, trying to push through all the drugged up teenagers.
Eventually, I find ben. He's with all the friends he introduced me to earlier. And some more.
"Hey darcy, it's Chris, remember me?"
"Of course" he waddled over, looking a bit tipsy.
"Come and join in, here, have a drink."
"I'm alright thanks"
"Oh come on, don't be like that, here, take this."
He hands me a tiny shot cup. With God knows what's in it.
"Try it" I decide to obey his command, and I down the cup.
"That's more like it, you'll have a lot more fun now."
Ben comes over and wraps his arm around my shoulder. "I'm so glad you're going to meet all my friends and have so much fun. Don't look so afriad, we're going to party all night!!!"
He shouts really loud, raises his glass, then everyone cheers.
I know... This is going to be a long night...
--
It's freezing cold out here, but it's better than being in there.
I'm sat on Chris' door step, outside his house. I have a drink in my hand, and I can feel the wig slipping from my head.
I stare at the drink, the sight of it makes me want to gag. So I throw it into a bush next to his house.
It's been hours now, it's gone past midnight, and I can tell the party isn't going to be ending anytime soon.
I want to leave... Ben has barely spoke to me all night.
"Hey" I suddenly hear his voice come up behind me. "What's up? Why aren't you inside"
He tries to sit next to me but as he does he almost misses the step.
"It's just... I'm not much of a party girl.
You know that"
"Oh come on darcy, have a little fun, you're the only one who doesn't seem to be."
"Exuse me, what did you just say?"
"I said have a little fun. It wouldn't kill ya to actually do something interesting once in a while."
"I can't believe you just said that to me"
"What! I said nothing wrong. Just saying it how it is" he takes a few massive gulps out of his bottle.
"Ben, I can't deal with this. I CANT deal with you" I shout and turn my agitated face towards him.
"It's my birthday, you can atleast pretend you're enjoying it. I'm having loads of fun."
"YOURE DRUNK" I shout.
"No I'm not"
"Oh my gosh, look at yourself. Can you hear what you're saying to me?"
"I've said nothing wrong, your the one wining about the party. If you don't want to be here then just go. Go home"
"Are you telling me to leave!"
"Yes. You're not right for this kind of a place. Go home to your mum"
"You know what ben... I will... But don't you dare think that you can come crawling back to me after this... Because... Because that's it. I thought you changed form the person you were when you started school. But obviously not"
I turn around, to find him gone.
I grab my phone and instantly ring my mum. It's 1 in the morning, I'll be surprised if she answers.
"Darcy? Why are you ringing me this early?"
"I'm sorry mum... I ...I messed up"
I start heavily crying and she becomes extremely concerned.
"Where are you?" She asks me.
"At bens, just please come and pick me up."
"Alright darling, I'll be there soon"
I start walking back to bens house.
With tear stained cheeks my mum rushes over to give me a hug.
"Darling, get in the car, what's going on you look awful."
"I'm sorry mum."
We take off and start driving back home.
I tell her about the party and the awful things that ben said to me. Surprisingly, she's more sympathetic than angry.
When we get home, she tucks me up in my bed, and I cry into her shoulder.
"I don't want to loose him mum. I love him too much."
"It'll be alright darling. You just go to sleep"
As she walks out the room, I realise that maybe ben is right. I don't belong at those parties, I'm better off staying at home with my mum. It sounds sad, I know... But it's the person I am. And if someone is trying to change me to be someone else... Then maybe I shouldn't be with them...