I suddenly felt blinded, like I couldn't see the rest of the world. I only saw him. That question, that one question will be the cause of my heart attack. I got asked out by a straight guy who is more confused than my granny at a cat convention.
My skin felt like it was being crawled by a thousand spiders. Not to mention that my stomach had another case of bug infection - butterflies.
A straight guy never asks out another guy - specially a gay one at that. Jesse is serious, isn't he? Does he really need to find out what's going on in his head? Is dating me the solution? Well what about me? Where do I fit in this? What happens if he ends up hating it then he has to break up with me.
I'm not sure how long I stayed silent, but I was thinking about it. I was thinking of the consequences, I was worried, not just for him but for me. I've never ever dated a guy before, I've been single all my life. I would have dated girls but I already knew I didn't like them when I came out of my mom.
"Answer me, don't do that. It gets me all nervous," He said.
"Why did you ask me that?" That was all I could say.
"Because I admit, I'm curious."
"You're the most confusing person I've ever met. You acted like a homophobic idiot and now you're asking me out on a date?"
"I told you, you're different," He said sharply.
"I'm still a guy, I'm no different."
"Yes, you are. When I look at you, I don't feel disgusted. When you kissed me, I didn't feel disgusted. But when I look at other guys, I feel repulsed. So why not with you? Why is it different with you? Because you are different. And I want to try it."
"You want to use me?" I raised a brow.
"No! I don't want to use you at all."
"It will feel like it when you break my heart."
He sighed. "Ugh! Why does life have to be so complicated? Why can't we all just live happily ever after?!"
"Because of confused people like you."
"Ha, funny. Please just answer, would you like to go out with me?" This time he looked at me when he said it, but only because we were at a red light.
I looked at both of his eyes, so beautiful. His right eye was blue, his left was hazel. Maybe they both stand for a different side of him. That would be a really nice metaphor for his personality - which is making me deranged.
"Are you being serious about this? Most people would take a while to figure out what they want to do in terms of their sexuality."
"I'm one hundred percent serious. And I want to do it now, because I don't want to lose you to someone else."
"You aren't going to lose me, Jesse."
"Are you sure about that? You're good looking, you just started school so you're going to meet a lot of people, specially gay men all over. And now you're going to be on a commercial, which is going to make you even more popular in the entertainment business, I'd lose you quickly."
I rolled my eyes. "Jesse, I did not embarrass myself last night to just give up on you. I'm not going anywhere. But I do want you to think this through because honestly, my heart is fragile when it comes to you."
"So do you like me? Like in a gay way?"
I frowned. He has a lot to learn. "No, I like you in a human way."
"But do you like me?"
"Yes, I like you."
"So go out with me."
"No. Take your time to think it through, be sure that it's what you want to do then ask me again."
He didn't speak for a couple of minutes. "Okay, I thought it through. Now would you like to go out with me?"
"Jesse! I'm serious! Don't mess around like that!"
"Alright, alright. Jeez. I'll think about it."
I kept staring at the side of his face as he drove. He's so dreamy. He makes me feel all mushy inside. I liked the feeling a lot, the feeling of possible real love. My first real love.
"So you think you like me?"
"I don't know. I don't know anything. That's why I need to go out with you. I need to think of us in a romantic way and figure out what I want. It's weird for me, I don't see you as a guy. Isn't that fucked up?"
"As long as you don't see me as a girl, I'm okay with it."
"No, I don't see you as a girl either. I just ... it's so difficult to explain. That's what is messing with my head, only that. There is no other confusion."
"So you're confused because you see past my gender, so it leaves it open to a romance? So what happens when it comes to sex?"
He looked uncomfortable now, did I just hit the jackpot question? Did he even think about it? He has to think of us in a sexual way, other wise how would he truly know? Many straight guys can imagine themselves dating another guy and not feel disgusted about it. But when it comes to the real stuff, they stay away.
"You didn't think about that, did you?" I added.
"Actually I did."
"Did you now? Did you think of it in a graphic way? Did you think of my—"
"Don't push it, Rayne." He cut me off before I said it.
I grinned. "Don't worry, I think of yours all the time." I said sarcastically.
"I'm sure you do."
I stared at his face, his sexy dark brown hair, his arms, his chest, his legs, his hands, all of him. I've never been this captivated by a human body before. I was so intrigued to find what lies beneath the clothes. Not in a dirty way, I'm not a dirty person. Jesse seems to be one though.
"Are you enjoying the view?" He smirked.
"Very. You're beautiful."
"Wow, Rayne. Way to make the atmosphere more awkward than it already is."
I jumped. "What?! I'm speaking the truth. You're right, I'm different but not just from guys but from the rest of humanity. I like being gentle and nice and honest. You're fucking beautiful so accept it!"
His eyes went wide. "Okay, who poured an entire bucket of sugar in your coffee this morning?"
"You."
"I did not."
"Maybe you did, maybe you were drunk."
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
He stared at me, then my lips. "I...would...but I'm still skeptical." Then he looked back at the road.
"I didn't mean it like that, Jesse."
"Good, cause I'm still trying to process our first kiss. Which lasted like a second?"
I looked away, embarrassed.
Why did I have to be so stupid? Now I made a poor guy confused.
"Hey, don't be embarrassed. Don't make it seem like it was a mistake. There was nothing wrong with it." He said.
I muttered something that didn't even make sense to my own ears.
"What did you say?" He laughed.
"I said shut up," I murmured.
"Do you really want me to shut up?" He asked as we stopped at another red light.
"No," I looked away, embarrassed again.
"Want to make out?"
I frowned and smacked his shoulder.
"Why do I always have to get hurt when I try to be nice to others?"
"Because you're being stupid."
"Actually, I was being serious. I'd like to give it a second chance if you do."
"Second what?"
"Kiss."
"I told you that you need to think about it first—"
"No, you said I need to think it through, about the date, about us. Not kissing."
"Maybe I don't want to kiss you."
He scoffed. "Oh please. I know you do. You're the one that made the first move last night, remember?"
"Thanks for reminding me. Oh, and I'm never ever going to a party again."
"Is that a yes? Come on, the light will turn green again."
"Let it turn green then."
That's when he unbuckled his seat belt and moved his face in front of mine and his lips pressed up against mine. I was shocked, for the second time so far. First he asked me out - me thinking he's straight. Now he kisses me.
I loved the way his lips felt against mine, they were soft and wet. I loved how possessive they felt when they moved against my own. He forced me to open my mouth for entrance but then someone honked in the back just as we got into it. He pulled back before our tongues touched, too bad, I wanted to feel his tongue on mine.
He breathed. "That wasn't so bad. Totally not gross. We definitely have to work on some tongue action when we aren't on the road."
"Jesse!"
"What?"
"You totally just kissed me and you're planning when our tongues are gonna rub? Where did the real Jesse go? You know, the one who kept mentioning how he was straight."
"He's still here. He's now Raynexual."
I tried to hold in the laugh but failed. The way he said it was really amusing to me. I used my laugh as a distraction. I slowly lifted my book bag - which I never had time to put away - and used it to cover my crotch...Yep...
His kissed made me kind of excited.
"And I'm Jessexual?"
"Oh man, that's so much better than mine. You're a genius."
"I hope you know that I've never been so confused in my life."
"You?" He raised a brow, "YOU? You're kidding me right? I'm having a mini war in my head right now."
"You can talk to me, Jesse. Don't keep anything inside. I'll trust you if you trust me. I will help you and I won't judge you."
I heard him gulp. "Is that Doctor Benjamin speaking?"
"No, just Rayne, your friend."
"Can I pretend you aren't here then?"
"What ever makes you more comfortable."
"Okay, I will be completely honest with you and you can't laugh at me for what ever reason."
"I promise."
"But first, I'm hungry," He growled as he pulled up in front of a fast food restaurant. He drove around the corner and got in the drive thru. "What do you want?"
"Nothing."
"Rayne," He nagged, "I know you're hungry. The teacher told me you skipped lunch. Are you having that much trouble with money that you can't even afford food?"
That look on his face made me weak, why does he care so much? He doesn't know me, he doesn't know what I'm going through, so why should he care?
"Well I'm gonna buy you food anyway," He said after I didn't speak. "You better not be a vegetarian. Cause I'm full meat."
Was he trying to make me laugh? In a creepy way? Now I thought of him as a sack of raw meat. I know what he meant though.
Okay I laughed anyway.
After he bought the food, he parked as far away as humanly as possible. Then he turned up the air because it was getting kind of hot. He ate and stared at me, I had my bag of food on my lap. It was burning me.
"Eat," He demanded.
"I'll eat it later."
"Are you being shy again?"
I coughed. "Maybe I don't want to get fat for the commercial?"
"So you're being shy."
I rolled my eyes. "I just don't want you feeling pity for me, okay? I can take care of myself. I'll get money somehow."
"Well, if we start dating then I become a part of you. So I'd take care of you."
I frowned. "Okay, I want the douchbag Jesse back."
"Sorry," He shrugged, "you sent him back to the underworld."
I gave him a disgusted face. "Can you eat with your mouth closed?"
"Are we in England?"
"Jesse, that makes absolutely no sense."
"It does. Everyone in England is all fancy and eat with a fork. We're in America baby. We eat with our mouth open for the world to see."
"No, that's only for people who want to be fancy, for people who have manners. Not British people."
He wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Does it look like I care?"
He is a very, very fast eater. I barely had time to blink and he was already finished. He reached down and pulled back his seat and laid back.
"Okay, therapist, work your magic."
"You're laying back then you ask me to work my magic?" I smirked.
"Perv. You know what I meant."
"That would be five hundred dollars an hour then," I grinned.
"Do you accept credit cards?"
I couldn't stop smiling, it literally hurt about now. I hated smiling now.
I cleared my throat. "Okay, Jesse. Just relax, and let me inside your mind."
"Alright," He shifted back and forth to try and get comfortable. I don't know why but it was amusing to watch him scramble around. When he stopped, I began the therapy.
"What's on your mind?"
"A lot."
"Be more specific."
"A guy. Rayne."
I blushed. "Why are you thinking of him?"
"Because he's amazing. And I like him."
"In what way?"
He paused. Then silence overcame us. I waited for him to speak again, I have all the time in the world to help him. Even if it is about me. I don't care. I just want him to feel good about himself and his future decisions.
"In a way a straight guy shouldn't like another guy."
"Do you see it as a problem?"
"It...It gets me confused. I've never liked a guy that way. I grew up trying to hate gay people and now I kind of become one?"
"Why did you try to hate gay people?"
"Because of my dad. I don't want to be like him."
I knew it. "You won't be like him, Jesse. You are your own person. You're nothing like him."
"I know. But I still wonder, you know...and now my feelings are all mixed up."
"Have you ever felt anything for a guy before?"
"No."
"What do you think of when you see your male friends?"
"I think how they're my friends. I never think of them in that sort of way."
"Why not?"
"Because it's disgusting to me. They are gross. And they smell."
"And what do you think of when you see him?"
"I think...Jeez, Rayne smells really good today."
I tried not to laugh but I think it's going to be nearly impossible. I bit on my tongue and kept looking at Jesse - who had his eyes closed and his hands on his stomach.
"Then I see his eyes and I feel like I'm looking at an adorable bunny."
I blinked. I'm a bunny to him?
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know. I just think he's ... cute, adorable, huggable, kissable. And I don't know what that means. Do I like him like him? Cause I normally don't think of guys like that. Actually, I don't think of them like that period."
"Have you ever spoken to another gay guy? What did you think of him?"
"I'm in California, of course. And nothing, I didn't like them at all. I never even thought of them as bunnies." Then he sighed and brought up his hands to his face, "I don't know anymore. I just know that I like him."
"Do you like him enough to be in a relationship with? To kiss him everyday? Hold his hand in public? And specially come out as gay or bisexual?"
"If I only see him, then yes, but when you add the background stuff like other people, then I'm not so sure."
So he cares about what people will think. I thought he didn't care at all, at least that's how he acted.
"And how does that make you feel?" Cliche question. I know.
"Confused. I don't know if I should go for it or ignore it. What if it's just a phase?" He sighed, "Do you believe in soul mates?"
"Why? Do you think he's your soul mate?"
"It's very possible."
My cheeks were now burning, I've never seen a guy feel this way about me before, not even a girl. Is this really happening? Am I really trying to help a guy who claims he is straight but has feelings for me?
Dear God, forgive me for the next question.
"What do you feel when you imagine the two of you together performing sexual activities?"
I'm sorry for asking! I swear it's coming from my psychologist side, not Rayne. Orientation comes from your own sexual desire, you can't be gay unless you get excited about males. Same as being straight.
He stayed quiet, probably thinking about it, which only made my face look like a volcano.
"I...I imagined myself making love to him."
I quietly fanned myself, did someone turn up the heat?
"And?"
"And it was ... nice."
I think I'm about to throw up from the nerves. He thinks of us as nice? Oh God, is it possible to get pregnant from nerves?
"He's the bottom," He added.
I frowned and grabbed the nearest object - a magazine, and threw the hard part at his face.
"Don't cry, you deserved it," I told him when he looked up at me confused.
He rubbed his face and laid his head back.
"So anyway...I've never imagined myself doing that with another guy, ever. And now that I try to imagine myself doing it with other guys, I want to puke. But with him, it's like ... bring it on."
I rolled my eyes.
"We're done here, you ruined it by saying I'm the bottom."
He stood up quickly. "What?! It's true! You'd be the bottom!"
"Maybe so, but I don't want to hear about it."
"Why not?"
I pointed to my head. "Mental images." Then I looked down on my book bag. Crap! Why did I just look at it? Now he knows...
"Ah, I see...I excite you?"
I glared at him. "Let's go."
"So how did I do? What do you think is wrong with me?" He asked as he pulled back his seat and turned on the car.
"There is nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing."
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[Author's Message...]
So I wrote this chapter because I felt like you guys needed to be inside Jesse's head but with Rayne's point of view lol. Fourth upload in a day! You guys ready for one more for the day?! LOL. Holey moley I'm on the biggest cinnamon roll ever! O:
Keep voting and commenting <3 You need to keep doing it if you want me to keep uploading! (If I stop then it means I'm sleeping, but expect at least one more)
Poor Jesse, he doesn't know what to do :( He obviously likes Rayne but doesn't know what to think cause it's new to him. So sad... COME ON RAYNE! CLEAR HIS MIND ALREADY! DO IT! HOE! DO IT! >:(
Hopefully Rayne will say yes if Jesse asks him out again. ;D But maybe Jesse will get over the confusing feelings O_O Then what?! OH GOSH?!