[Jesse's Point Of View...]
Rayne leaving made everyone suddenly turn into vicious monsters, they all tried to kick my private area. Apparently they believe I said something insulting to him for being gay. I said nothing. I would've said something insulting if he didn't tell me about his parents.
I kind of related in a way so it made me feel ... sad ... for him ...
I've never been disowned but in a way I have. My ... Sigh. Let's just say I can relate to Rayneand I feel his pain. Now I'm having mix signals about everything, about him being gay. Maybe he is a good person after all?
But he's still gay and that to me is not okay in my book. Not after ... Sigh.
"Jesse," Priscella snapped, "Truth or dare?"
I blinked, looking down on the floor—the bottle was pointing at me.
"Um, dare." I shrugged.
A wide grin etched her face. Why was she looking at me like that? There are no guys here to shove me in the closet with.
"Go kiss Britney." She pointed.
Britney squealed. I already knew that Brit wanted to kiss me, she probably asked Priscella to dare me to do it. They probably even pointed the bottle themselves while I was in my deep thoughts—obviously distracted.
I sighed again, brushing my hand through my hair. I got up and walked over to the giggling Brit and pulled her up. She wants it then I'll give it to her. That's what everyone wants right? They don't care about how it would make me feel, sure, go ahead and use me.
I cupped her face between my hands and pressed my lips against hers, she felt cold and lifeless to me, an empty corpse. I pulled away a few seconds later, her lips pouted at me when I did.
Now it was my turn to walk away, so I did, and no one stopped me. I guess they got what they wanted. Just a kiss...
I feel wrongfully used. Does anyone even care what Jesse feels? I wonder what people think of me. Do they think I'm the stupid guy who just wants to get laid with everyone? That's half true ... I am very stupid.
I suddenly stopped walking when I spotted Phil down the hall, I quickly dashed to another hall as I saw Rayne in front of him. They were both talking but I couldn't hear very well. I crouched down on the floor and tried to listen to the conversation.
"I don't care," Rayne said softly, seeming emotionless and lifeless. I wonder if he's upset because of me? Pfft, of course he is. I'm a jerk to him.
"Don't be upset, Rayne. You're now a good friend to Priscella and I. If we tell you something, trust us."
"It still doesn't matter. His words are still his."
What the heck are they talking about? Is it me?
Doesn't His mean God? Are they talking about God? Do they think I'm a Godly looking dude?
"Look, Rayne, I won't force you to believe me but I've been friends with him since we could jerk off. I know him. And he doesn't hate you."
It is me who they're talking about. But why does Phil have to mention that? Jeez. It was onetime that we did it together, let it go!
I had a mental image of Rayne crossing his arms right now. I bet he was doing it.
He does it a lot.
I think he does it when he feels insecure.
"What ever," He muttered so low I almost didn't catch it. "I'm going back to my room. Later."
"Alright, take care."
So now Phil and Priscella are hanging out with Rayne? My two best friends? How could they ... am I being replaced? How could they ... after everything we've been through ... they choose ... him.
I grunted, hitting my head against the wall. Ow.
I'm not sure how long I stayed here, but it felt like years. I wonder how Priscella and Phil keep up with me. What if they feel ashamed of being my friend? What if it was all just a lie?
I'm hurting a human being, yes, Rayne is a human being. I know I don't act like it but ... he is still a human being. My sister would have been ashamed of me ... She would have cleared my mind and helped me become a better person.
What would she have done? Probably smack some sense into me. But I can't help it ... every time I think of a gay person ... it just reminds me of how that one sexuality ruined my childhood, my life. And how my sister's life was lost.
I don't know what to do. I feel so alone right now. I feel alone at all times. There is no one there for me, ever.
I hugged myself, slowly descending on the floor, I felt cold.
I missed her. She was the only person that could make me feel better, even if she was younger than me. In a maturity level, she was way beyond me.
Without her, there is no one to keep me cool, to keep me human. Now I'm going all over hating gay people. Rayne isn't the first. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't the last.
But watching him in pain, how can he still stay strong? His parents disown him and yet he has to deal with me on his back. Maybe it's time to just drop it all. But it won't be easy...I'll try my best though.
Wow, I never noticed how comfortable the floor is. I could lay here all day by myself and just go wild. I'll make floor angels and everything.
Suddenly thunder erupted in the sky, it made me scramble to my feet and run away before some killer with a machete appears.
It's been raining all day and it sucks.
Phil was already in our room by the time I arrived, he was laying on his bed with a laptop in front of his face. He looked up when I threw myself at my bed.
"Thought you were going to stay longer."
I scoffed. "I can't stand those girls."
He shrugged.
I nodded at him,"So what's up with you and Rayne?"
"You were spying on us?"
"No," I mumbled. "I happened to be walking by and saw you two. So ... I ... Hid ... Got a problem?!"
"None at all."
"So what were you two talking about?"
"You and how big an ass you are."
I looked at my ass, "What? It isn't big..."
"Dude, you're such a jerk."
I frowned then sighed. "I know! But I promised myself that I'll be nicer to him starting tomorrow. And how did you find out that I'm a jerk to him? Are you stalking me? Le gasp!"
"No, Priscella told me."
"What did she tell you?"
"You called him the f word," He shrugged, "And you're being a jerk. That's all."
"Well you already know why I did it."
"Dude, it's not right. You shouldn't hate other people because of what happened. You're judging a huge group of humans just because of your dad. Poor Rayne, I should beat you up."
"Pfft, don't make me beat you up."
So my rudeness is spreading around thanks to Priscella's big mouth. Ugh. All this is making my head hurt. So confusing, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to do the right thing and end the hate once and for all. I'll have to apologize to Rayne ... Uhh but I don't want to! I don't want to look like a sissy.
I groaned and buried my face in my pillows. Pillows ... dear sexy soft pillows ... what would you do?
~
I watched the water around me, how motionless it was as I stepped over it. I looked up at the beautiful thunderous clouds above. They hovered, evaporated and recreated very quickly. It was as if time went faster here.
My surroundings were blocked with an endless fog, only the water beneath me was visible. I kept walking, not knowing where I was going until I spotted an empty piano in the middle of no where.
I ran to it as fast as I could, but everything seemed to be slowing down. The water that splashed under me was still hovering over the surface of the lake. This is a dream isn't it? It doesn't feel like a dream.
And I'm walking on water ... in the middle of no where ... in the middle of nothingness.
I reached the piano and jumped when I saw a girl hunched over the keys, it was her, it was Jewel ... my sister.
At first I couldn't believe it was her, she looked so pale and destroyed. Her eyes were lifeless and empty, dark circles marked her eyes. Hair was soaking wet and still dripping from nothing. Water just magically streamed down her hair.
"Jewel?" My voice echoed by the thousands.
She looked up at me and smiled, then her hands gently traced down the keyboard but it made no sound. She started playing the soundless piano as she looked up at me with those hurtful eyes.
"I missed you," I whispered.
Why couldn't she speak? The least this dream can do is help me communicate with her.
I heard a distant clapping sound behind me, I looked back and stared through the fog. There was a shadow but I couldn't see very well. Something else caught my eye, something that seemed to be swimming underneath us ... it looked like a monster. It was as big as four school buses.
"Yay me!"
More claps ...
I turned back to my sister when she started to hum. She was still looking at me with those dark eyes. I wanted to hold her but I felt like if I did ... I'd lose control of the dream. Like a needle that bursts a balloon full of water.
I passed my hands over the shiny black piano. As I circled my sister, she began to turn more alive and less like a zombie. She then began to move her body as she played the inaudible piano.
I watched her hair flow back and forth as her head nodded to the music playing only in her head. What did I eat before going to sleep? This is so strange ...
But she looked good now, she looked happy and her smile was bright. Just as I remembered her.
That's until the gun shot blasted through the skies, at first I thought it was thunder until I saw my sisters face. It was blank and she wasn't looking at me anymore. Instead she looked out in front of her and her face began to bleed.
I gulped, feeling my heart slowing down and my stomach rise. A hole began to carve on her forehead, blood began to pour out of it.
It was just like that night ...
"Stop..." I whispered, watching in horror as my sister bled to death, "stop!"
I tried to look away but every where I turned, she stood there ... bleeding.
Wake up, Jesse. Wake up!
I started hitting myself but I didn't feel anything, so I ran. I ran through the fog and didn't hesitate to look back. I didn't know where I was going, but anything is better than watching your sister bleed through a wound.
Suddenly, I couldn't walk over the water anymore and fell right through it. My body completely submerged underwater and when I came back to the surface I noticed that it wasn't water anymore ... it was blood.
My skin, my hair, it all was soaked in the color of hell. It felt very thick and cold.
"WAKE UP!" I roared, my voice echoing louder.
The sky began to darken, clouds circled each other and I knew that this dream was turning into a nightmare. I tried swimming but I couldn't get far, and I didn't even know if I was moving at all. The sky looked like it was about to create some tornadoes, I hope I don't die in my dream.
"Jesse ... you didn't help me ..." My sister's voice whispered from every direction. I felt a lump rise in my throat and my eyes stung with tears.
"I'm sorry," I said with a shaky voice. "It was too late."
"YOU DIDN'T HELP ME!" Her voice boomed, creating powerful waves of blood. Her words kept echoing over and over and over, it felt like being inside a hurricane.
"I'm sorry..."
Wake up, Jesse. Wake up before you die. Wake up!
As the blood storm swept over me, an opening appeared in the sky. I looked up at the light beaming through and heard a distant voice. I am never ever going to another sleepover again. I get these crazy ass dreams after it.
"Hey, wake up."
Was that Phil? Phil! Dude! Shake me! Slap me!
"Jesus, you're a heavy sleeper."
Suddenly hundreds of hands appeared around me and they moved closer to me. Fuck. What is that?! The hands touched me and pulled me under the blood. Right when I was pulled into the darkness, I woke up.
I jerked up abruptly from the dream, my body coated with sweat. Panting heavily, my heart pulsed rapidly against my chest and I was pretty sure that I was close to having a stroke. That dream was bizarre, it made my head spin like crazy. What kind of messed up shit was that? I literally felt like puking.
"Whoa, are you okay?" A pair of hands stretched out to me.
I was startled when Rayne appeared next to me, I was confused. How did he get in my room and what is he doing here?
"Wh...what are you doing here?" I asked, rubbing my eyes and wrapping my body so he wouldn't see—oh wait I'm supposed to be judgemental-free. I slowly unwrapped myself again while glaring at him.
"Phil brought me here and told me to wake you up." He replied, eyes looking away from me. It's okay ... you ... can ... look ... It's not like I'm naked.
Wait a minute! I remember falling asleep with clothes on! Where did my shirt and pants go?! I was ... touched ...
I looked down on my floor and there they were, my clothes. I must have taken them off in my sleep. Okay good. I didn't want to be molested in the middle of the night by God knows who. Phil? Zoey? Rayne?!
"Um," I rubbed my eyes and stood still while I tried to think. I can't think straight after I wake up. My brain wasn't working yet. "I ... what?"
He chuckled, "Phil told me you wanted to talk to me."
"Oh ... um ... " I blinked, trying to remember again what I wanted to talk to him about.
Oh right, apologizing and wanting to become his friend ... then I'd probably have to tell him why I hate him—I mean hated. I only hated his sexuality, not him. Ugh, I hate being nice overall. I don't care who you are, who you like, what your face looks like, I hate you.
When he noticed that I was going to respond, he walked back as he spoke, "I guess I'll come back later and leave you to your thinking."
"Stop!" I spoke loudly, making him freeze. "Stay. I'm just trying to wake up and ignore the weird ass dream I just had."
"Was it bad? Want to talk about it?"
"Don't get all psychologist on me." I snapped.
"I'm just saying. I can help with anything. Trust me."
"It's fine. Just ... turn around and let me put some pants on."
I haven't looked at him much since I woke up, I'm just feeling out of it right now. Just like every morning. He turned around and I quickly gathered my clothes from the floor and threw them in the hamper. I reached out to my opened drawers and pulled out a new pair of fresh clothes.
"Okay, you can turn around now." I said with a raspy voice, whoa now a raspy voice? What a horrible way to wake up today.
"So what do you need to talk to me about?" He said quickly after turning around to face me. His arms were crossed. Is he nervous I'm gonna say something mean again? I'd love to but I can't...
"Want to go get some coffee? We can go to Starbucks if you like."
He seemed surprised by my generosity. What? Can't a guy try to be nice without being judged ... hehehehe. Jesse you hypocrite.
"Uh," He seemed unsure, he scratched the back of his head and looked around, "I guess..."
How wonderful, my first mandate with Rayne. He better not get the wrong impression. I am fully straight. I am all for girls.
________________________________________________________________________________
[Author's Message...]
Why was I like this?