"If Dax doesn't follow me back tonight I will literally kill myself."
Eli Warren had barely sent his tweet before the responses started coming in. He rolled his eyes when he saw how many of his followers had replied "same."
"I'm serious this time though..."
He almost didn't send it, but the back door slammed and startled him. Eli jumped and his finger slipped. When he looked up from his coffee he saw his dad stumble over the threshold and head right for the coffee pot. He was still in his clothes from the day before and his bloodshot eyes were the telltale signs of a yet another hangover.
"Shouldn't you be in school?" his dad grunted.
"I don't have to leave for 10 more minutes," Eli put his phone down. "Do you want breakfast?"
"No. If you got time you can gimme a lift to work," his dad said. "Lemme get a new shirt."
"Maybe some deodorant?" Eli suggested. That earned him a blank stare. "You sure you're alright to work?"
"Someone's gotta pay them bills," his dad mumbled as he stomped down the hall to his bedroom. Eli sighed and drained the last of his coffee.
While he waited for his father, Eli went to grab his backpack. He didn't bother looking in the mirror because it was only going to get so good. As long as he had his books for the day then that was all he could do.
Eli looked his room over one last time before he turned out the light. His bed was made, desk organized and most importantly - every last poster, magazine cutout and picture he'd printed off the internet was still stuck in its rightful place. Not a single inch of the plaster walls showed through.
"Love you Dax," Eli whispered. He was getting too old for this, he knew it, but since he didn't have a single friend in real life there was no one to make fun of him for his obsession.
Maddox Bieber, the only and completely perfect son of the still-famous Justin Bieber, was almost literally the only living person on the planet Eli cared about. There were probably only a few minutes out of each day that Eli didn't think about Maddox. And he didn't care what any of the girls online thought, he was by far the biggest Daxaholic in existence.
It wasn't just because he had the massive wall collage that had taken him three days to assemble and earned him the most retweets one of his tweets had ever gotten. It was also that loving a Bieber was something he was raised to do, born to do if you asked him.
Eli's mother was a Belieber practically her whole life. She'd taken her fair share of teasing from the rest of the family about it just like Eli did. So when Maddox first walked on stage with his dad and Eli fell head over heels for him she'd made it her personal mission to make sure he had everything only the truest fans would have.
In fact, she and Eli had spent all summer saving up to buy the best backstage pass, meet and greet, ticket package there was for Maddox's first ever world tour. They'd missed their goal but still saved enough to buy seats right near the front. It was everything Eli hoped and dreamed it would be.
The whole trip was perfect. His mom called him in sick to school and took the day off work so they could get to the venue in plenty of time. They'd driven to Atlanta and waited outside all day, both of them watching for anyone who looked like they might be part of Maddox's management team who might have front row tickets to give out.
The concert itself was more magical than Eli could have ever expected, even after seeing pictures and videos from other fans online. Nothing would ever compare to how he'd felt seeing Maddox only a few feet away from where he was standing. He could still see it when he closed his eyes at night and hear every word Dax had said on stage.
As they drove back to the tiny town of Statesboro, Eli had broken down in tears, sobbing as he tried to tell his mom why seeing the show meant so much to him. He hadn't planned to do it, at least not that way, but he'd admitted one of his biggest secrets that night.
"I just love him," Eli had cried. "I love him so much."
"I know, baby," his mom had taken his hand.
"No, I mean I am in love with him," Eli sobbed. "I don't just love Dax, I'm completely in love with him like I could never love anyone else. I know what that means, Mama, I just..." he was crying too hard to say anything else.
His mom had pulled off the road and put her arms around him, letting him just cry for a few minutes even though it was late and even though she had to work the next day.
"Eli, baby, listen," his mom said. "I know how you feel about Dax, I've known your whole life how you feel about other boys. You don't have to worry about that, Eli. This world is changing and one day I promise you won't want to cry about it anymore."
"But Dad," Eli almost couldn't choke the words out.
"He loves you, Eli," his mom smiled. "I promise he just wants the best for you. One day, when you're ready, you and I can talk to him together. He'll understand. Nothing could ever change how much your daddy and I love you."
They'd sat on the side of the road talking for almost an hour. Eli had managed to stop crying by the time his mom turned the car on again. He fell asleep before they got home but woke up to hear his mom praying for him. She prayed over him every night and the words she said that night would stay with him forever.
"Please help my Eli see that he's one of your most precious creations, Lord. That he's everything you want him to be and he shouldn't ever wish to be anything else."
That was one of the last prayers Eli ever heard his mom say. Just three days later she and his sister Rachel were on their way home when a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel. Suddenly being gay was the last thing that mattered to Eli.
Maybe it was childish of him to keep obsessing over Maddox Bieber, to play the same song on repeat every night to put himself to sleep. Maybe the memory of that perfect night with his mom would someday fade - in fact he knew it would. But for now, as far as Eli was concerned, Maddox Bieber was the only person standing between him and the way out of a life he no longer wanted.
"Eli, les' go!"
Okay, Maddox and his dad were both there. His dad had always been a drinker. In his mind there just wasn't much else for a married man to do after work, even though he was the father of five. Eli was the baby of the family and from his dad's perspective Eli hadn't needed babying even as an infant.
It was no surprise that he'd fallen further into the bottle after the accident. What was more surprising was how he'd suddenly stopped driving himself home afterward. Eli and his dad had never been close but Eli felt weirdly responsible for the man since his mother was gone and knowing he at least didn't have to worry about that was nice. Worrying about everything else was more than enough.
Teaching himself to do laundry wasn't hard. It wasn't even that hard to teach himself to cook or figure out how to pay the bills. The hardest part was the feeling that this was it. No amount of time was ever going to make things right again.
Neither Eli nor his father spoke on the drive to work. Eli parked behind the gas station, leaving the keys with his dad since he technically wasn't supposed to be driving yet anyway. He hid his phone under the counter near the register so it would be waiting for him after school and walked the rest of the way to school from there.
Eli had one goal for school every day: be invisible. Every day that failed. It was just a matter of how long he could make it before someone noticed him. As the only openly gay kid in school he was a walking target.
The thing was, Eli never planned to come out at school. He knew with his looks and the way almost all his clothes were passed down from his brother who was two sizes bigger than him that no one would ever question why he didn't have a girlfriend. It was supposed to always be his little secret.
But his older brother had fixed that for him. When Eli walked into school on his first day as a Freshman, he found his locker covered in Maddox Bieber pictures. It was only too predictable that his homophobic classmates would assume from his love for Dax that he felt the same way about all boys. He hated that they were right almost as much as he hated his brother for setting him up.
"I was just trying to make him feel at home!" his brother, Levi, had protested when their mom cornered him after school that day. "You told me to look out for him, I thought it would make him happy."
At least while Levi was still there Eli was somewhat safe. But Levi dropped out halfway through that year to work and since then Eli was the school punching bag. He learned to go without lunch and leave his phone and anything else he cared about at home.
"Morning, Fag," someone said before slamming him against the nearest locker.
Eli did his best to stay on his feet and keep walking. If he fell, it would cause a scene and then there would just be more people to enjoy the torment. He'd given up hoping that anyone would speak up or even admit to a teacher what they'd seen.
A few more shoves and Eli made it to his first class of the day. He would be safe after that until lunch. If only lunch were the worst part then Eli might not have dreaded school quite so much. Some days he was able to hide in a bathroom and some days he even managed not to have his lunch stolen or destroyed before he could eat it.
After lunch he had gym class. As far as Eli could tell, the whole purpose of gym was for him to be everyone's punching bag. It didn't matter what sport their teacher picked for the day, it always turned into a free for all.
The only good part of gym was that he usually ended up in the nurse's office until the next class started which meant he could change in private and that he got to miss part of his math class. Eli could only imagine what new hell it would be if he had to change in the locker room with all the guys around every single day.
It wasn't actually the worst day at school. He walked to the gas station after the last bell. Some kids threw chips at him as they drove past but chips were a million times better than any of the liquids he'd had thrown at him before. He was still dry and mostly clean by the time he got to work. All in all, not a bad day.
"Hey," Levi was at the counter when Eli walked in. "What the hell were you thinking bringing Dad to work this morning?"
"I was thinking I didn't want to get screamed at so early in the morning," Eli looked around. "Is he okay?"
"He slept it off," Levi walked around the counter. "And let him holler all he wants next time. Them's just words, Eli, they can't hurt you."
"Yeah, okay," Eli'd heard that lie his whole life. Levi shoved past him, almost knocking him over. It was the closest he'd gotten to a hug from his older brother since the funeral. From anyone in his family, actually.
"He could get hurt in the garage, Eli," Levi called. "Use your brain next time. You're supposed to be the smart one in the family."
"Then we're all screwed," Eli sighed. He looked around the small convenience store to see if there was anything he needed to do before he took out his phone.
Twitter was busy with all the Daxaholics on the East Coast who'd just gotten out of school and were catching up on what they'd missed while they were away. Maddox's tour was in Barcelona and they were already lining up for that night's Meet and Greet.
When he got bored with Twitter, Eli switched over to Tumblr. The fanbase was different there. Still crazy in that way that was almost creepy, but it was a different tone. More serious in some ways. Eli's ask box was full of the same questions he got every day - what had he used to make his collage wall, how long did it take - the same questions he'd put on his FAQ page and kept saying he wasn't going to answer anymore.
Mixed in with the stupid things were a few other messages. He'd gotten some of the same ones before but these weren't as annoying. It happened every time he started talking about killing himself. A few people would message him to try and talk him out of it, a few would tell him not to joke that way and every now and then someone would say that if he was going to talk about it so much he should just go ahead and get it over with.
"I will," Eli wrote back. And he would. Maddox was going on another following spree that night and it was his last chance. If Dax didn't follow him, that was it. Time to let go once and for all.
It wouldn't even be hard. His dad had a ton of hunting knives in the house. Eli figured if one of those could kill an animal it could kill him too.
The door jingled as someone kicked it open. Eli dropped his phone and bent to grab it before he looked to see who'd walked into the store. His heart stopped when he saw the familiar grin.
"I've got you trained, haven't I boy?" Chad sneered. "You see me coming and just drop to your knees."
"W-what do you want?" Eli hated himself for tripping over his words like that.
"I need you to come out back and take a look at my tire," Chad said.
"I'll get Levi, h-he's trained at that," Eli turned to knock on the garage window to get his brother. There wasn't a damn thing wrong with Chad's tires and they both knew that.
"I said I need you," Chad slammed his fist on the counter.
"I can't leave the store," Eli tried his last excuse.
"You have to serve your customer," Chad hissed. "Get out here before I come over there and get you."
Eli locked the register, willing his hands to stop shaking. It wasn't the first time Chad had come after him that way. He'd started it before he graduated the year before, dragging Eli to the boy's bathroom.
Chad's truck was parked in the back corner of the parking lot. Eli kept his eyes down as he walked, praying no one would see but also hoping someone would stop them. He never knew how far Chad would take things, it seemed to depend on his mood.
"That's it," Chad leaned against his truck and Eli knelt down. He was so scrawny he knew he vanished completely behind the giant truck tires. The unholy sound of a zipper coming down set Eli's gag reflex on edge and he fought it back.
Every time Chad came for him, Eli tried to send his mind somewhere else. So far it hadn't worked but he hoped one day he'd get it right. Then again, he was so busy hoping that every time was the last time it wasn't as if he could focus.
The unmistakable sound of a shotgun cocking froze Eli in place. A second later he went flying backward when he realized the gun wasn't pointed at him, just his assailant.
"Put a hand on my brother again and it'll be the last thing you do," Levi had the gun aimed at Chad's forehead.
"Did you tell him?" Chad demanded.
"I seen it with my own eyes," Levi tapped him with the barrel of the gun.
"Come on, Levi, I ain't mean anything by it," Chad whimpered. "He's just got a real purty mouth is all."
"Don't come back here," Levi ordered. "Or I'll kill you and tell the whole town what you've been up to."
Eli stayed sitting on the ground while Chad drove away. Levi finally lowered the shotgun and stood there, like he was waiting for Eli to speak.
"Thank you," Eli managed to choke out the words after Levi didn't say anything.
"Next time some guy puts hisself in your mouth you bite down," Levi said. "I can't follow you around cleaning up your messes, Eli. You gotta fight back."
"He said-"
"He's all talk," Levi interrupted. "Stop being so damn scared of words, Eli. They don't mean a thing 'less you let em."
"You keep saying that," Eli struggled to get up. Levi picked up the shotgun again and pushed him down with the butt end of it. "What the hell, Levi?"
"Fight back," Levi ordered, pushing him again. "Fight me, Eli, I know you know how."
"I don't want to fight you," Eli stayed down this time.
"So what? You just gonna lay there and cry?" Levi demanded. He set the gun down. "Come on, Eli, I'm tryin'a help you."
"You don't have to do that," Eli shook his head. "I promise I won't keep causing you trouble, okay?"
"Boys!" their father's voice thundered across the gravel parking lot. "Git yer asses back in here and git to work!"
"I'm not gonna stand back and watch you get raped, Eli," Levi grabbed his shoulder and pulled him to his feet. "I just can't be everywhere, you know that."
"I don't need you to be," Eli huffed.
"Aw hell, what're you doin with that shotgun?" their dad demanded as they crossed the parking lot. "Levi, I swear if you made that boy cry..."
"I ain't cryin," Eli insisted. "I'm not, I'm not crying," he corrected himself, suddenly wanting to cry for letting himself slip.
"Go rinse your mouth," Levi ordered. "Lord only knows what that shit could do to your teeth."
"He didn't finish," Eli mumbled. Levi shoved him so hard Eli almost bit his tongue off. He didn't even think, just shoved Levi back.
"Grow up, both of ya," their Dad shook his head and turned back to the car next to him. In the back of the garage, their older brother Gideon shot Eli a death glare. It was the only way they ever interacted and had been since Gideon found out Eli was gay.
Eli went back to the register and found a few dollars on the counter. Someone had been in while he was out back. At least they were nice enough to leave a list of what they'd taken. It was the one of the only good things about being in such a small town.
Back in the quiet of the little store, Eli started daydreaming about what it would be like knowing his life was over. It made everything seem so easy. There was nothing to think about or plan. He would just be free.
He worked until 7 that night. Eli walked home, thankful it was dark enough out to cover him. Like most nights, he made dinner for himself and his dad. Levi lived in the apartment over the gas station. His two other brothers, Gideon and Isaiah lived with their wives - well, Isaiah and his girlfriend weren't actually married yet but they may as well have been.
Eli was draining the pot of pasta when he realized what time it was. Dax would be starting his follow spree any second. He left the pasta in the strainer and opened Twitter. This was it, his last chance.
Maddox was already online and teasing everyone with threats about not doing the follow spree after all. Eli started to panic. What if Dax called it off? What if he pushed it to the next night? He'd waited all day thinking this was the day.
Just before Eli lost it, Maddox sent the tweet he'd been waiting for: RT this so i know u want a follow. Eli could breathe again. He settled in, preparing to flood Dax with tweets. Between his phone and his laptop he had a full on strategy prepared.
A knock on the front door derailed all his careful planning. Eli knew what kind of knock it was right away. These weren't the Jehovah's Witnesses, this sounded like the sheriff. And when he knocked again, Eli jumped up.
"Eli," the sheriff nodded when Eli opened the door. "Your daddy home?"
"He's still at work," Eli shook his head. He didn't dare point out that he'd stopped calling his father "daddy" almost 10 years ago.
"I drove by the filling station and it looked locked up," the sheriff said. "Mind if I come in an' wait?"
"Uh, sure," Eli knew his dad would be pissed but what choice did he have? Sheriff Johnson wouldn't be happy if he said no. "Is everything okay?"
"That's what I'm here to find out," the sheriff followed him to the kitchen. "How's your old man doin' these days?"
"I think he's okay," Eli closed his laptop before the sheriff could see his twitter feed. He had only managed to get a few hundred tweets to Dax, nowhere near his goal of 1000. It was probably just as well. He hadn't started his homework yet. Then again, what was the point if he wasn't going to be alive to turn it in?
"Sounds like he's been hittin the bottle pretty hard as of late," the sheriff eased himself into a kitchen chair.
"I hadn't noticed so much," Eli stood by the sink. He could keep fixing dinner, pretend everything was okay. "Can, uh, I get you a drink? Water or something?"
"Water'd be great," Sheriff Johnson looked around. "How are you holding up, Eli? You doing any sports or anything?"
"No, I'm not really the sports type," Eli knew that was obvious though. Or it should have been. For some reason adults didn't seem to see the truth when it was staring them in the face.
"Well you must be into something over there at the high school, right?" the sheriff asked. "You gotta stay in school, Eli, I know it's hard when the rest of your family didn't do it but it's so important."
"Right, I know," Eli brought him a water bottle.
"Who knows, there are scholarships too," Sheriff Johnson went on. "You might get one of those and get off to college."
"My grades aren't that good," Eli didn't even dream about college. There was no money for something like that, even if he had good enough grades to get in. He was passing his classes and that was as good as he could get.
"You could always try a little harder right?" the sheriff smiled.
"Don't go putting ideas in his head," Eli's father said as he came into the kitchen. "Sheriff."
"Bud," Sheriff Johnson stood up. "Glad to see you."
"I guess my helpful son let you in," Eli's dad went right for the fridge and got out a beer. "What is it you're wanting?"
"Just thought we'd have a chat," the sheriff said. "Can we step into the next room?"
"It's about time for dinner, innit, Eli?" his dad asked.
"I was about to set the table," Eli nodded. "Are you staying for dinner, Sheriff?"
"No, no thank you, Eli," he shook his head. "You take care, alright, Kiddo? Bud, can you walk me out?"
"I kin see the door from here," Eli's father grumbled but he followed the sheriff to the door.
Eli tried to listen to their conversation as he finished dinner. He couldn't hear everything but it sounded like the sheriff had gotten some calls about his dad drinking a lot. They didn't talk for very long and before Eli could pick up his phone to check Twitter again, his dad was back.
"Here you go," Eli put a plate on the table at his dad's spot.
"Next time he comes 'round you ask him to wait for me outside, you hear?" his father went to the fridge for another beer. "I don't want him in here for no reason."
"Yessir," Eli sunk into his chair. He didn't even want to eat now that his plate was full. What he wanted to do was check Twitter but his father would smash his phone if he picked it up at the dinner table.
"We need to git to church again," his dad stabbed at the pasta like it was doing something wrong. "Maybe folks'll leave us alone if we git to church. You been at the youth group?"
"I stopped going to youth group last year," Eli told his dad.
"Are you too old?" his father frowned.
"No, they just don't like me," Eli mumbled.
"It's church, they have to like you," his dad shoved more food in his mouth. "You best go back till you're too old."
"I'll try," Eli made himself take a bite. He couldn't lie to his dad but he could avoid giving him an answer. "I have a lot of homework."
"You thinkin bout college?" his dad raised his eyebrows. "You know there ain't money for that."
"I know," Eli shrugged. "I'm not that smart."
"You're smarter'n the rest of us," his dad said. "That's why I need you to stay here, Eli. Need ya to keep the books. I wanna add a carwash."
"Yeah, I know," Eli had that at the top of his list of reasons he wanted out. Spending the rest of his life working at the gas station, scraping his paychecks together to see Maddox Bieber as long as he kept touring, never getting to meet a guy or fall in love or have a life at all? No.
"Mebbe we could clean the place up," his dad went on. "New paint or something."
"Sure," Eli had heard all of it before. His dad had good ideas, he knew enough about their regulars to keep the place running. They made money, not much, but enough to pay the bills. But then he started drinking and nothing ever came of it.
For a while Eli imagined just making it all happen. His dad already leaned on him to run the store, it wouldn't be hard to take over as soon as he was old enough. But what was the point? He didn't want to run a gas station.
"It could be good. Could be real good," his father finished eating and got up. "I promised I'd meet the boys at the pool hall tonight. I should be back before midnight."
"I'll clean up," Eli nodded.
"Alright, goodnight then," his dad gave him a nod and headed for the door. Eli's heart sank as he walked away. Was this the last real conversation they'd ever have?
No, they'd probably talk again but his dad would be drunk. The pool hall was just far enough that his dad would need a ride home later that night. Unless he didn't come home that night. He hadn't come home the night before. That would be a problem. Eli had planned to make sure his dad was home safe before he put his plan into action.
As he cleaned the kitchen, Eli thought about what his dad's life would be like without him. It probably wouldn't change much. One of his brothers might move back in to keep an eye on him. Maybe Levi. At least no one would have to worry about him anymore.
When the kitchen was clean he set to finishing his dad's laundry. Eli wanted to make sure everything was done so at least his dad was taken care of for a little while. He hadn't thought to grocery shop but when his mom died the neighbors had brought a lot of food so he probably didn't have to worry about that.
It was close to midnight before Eli decided he had everything finished. He found the knife he wanted and snuck it into his bag. so he would be ready whenever his dad got back. There was nothing left to do but write a note.
Eli took his laptop to his room so he could figure out what to say. He wasn't sure it mattered much, but he did want to apologize for whatever trouble he caused. It really would be better for everyone when he was gone and he hoped that was enough to get them through.
But when Eli opened his laptop he realized he'd left the Twitter page open and his notifications had exploded. Something was happening, that was obvious. He started clicking, trying to figure out what he'd missed. When he saw that he'd gained close to a hundred thousand followers he panicked.
Something impossible had happened. After two years and thousands of tweets, he'd finally done it. There in his notifications was the one and only notification he'd ever wanted in his whole life and at long last it wasn't a joke or someone trying to trick him. It was real. It was actually happening.
Maddox Bieber is now following you on Twitter.