Summary:Liam lived half of his life taking care of his brother, Leo who was diagnosed of brain cancer and each passing day was a battle life of death for him. His younger brother’s only wish was for Liam to find someone who can be with him even if he’s gone. And On Leo’s birthday, when Liam was almost about to give up from giving his best gift for Leo, Zayn Malik comes up and offers help that might be more than just what Liam needed.
By: Theallegoryofzayn.tumblr.com
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I.
Leo was Liam’s everything. It may be a cliché thing to describe a sibling-relationship but there was no other way to portray how Liam sees his younger brother as the only thing that makes his world keep turning around. Liam was this spherical mass and Leo was his axis. Without him, he’d just stop. And Liam almost fell out of this axis when he discovered Leo was diagnosed of Brain Cancer at such a young age of 10 while Liam just turned 19.
Liam felt like he was a character driven out of a book or a movie that lives such a tragic life and has to receive bad news every now and then. After all, it hasn’t been that long when he received the news of his parents’ untimely death due to a car accident while he was still trying to figure out how to kiss a girl inside his room.
From then on, Liam dropped all the curiosity he wanted to discover and dedicated his life on taking care of Leo.
He stopped schooling and worked several jobs a day, providing for Leo’s basic needs and paying hospital bills. On early mornings, Liam would cycle around the busy streets of the city and deliver newspapers. When afternoon arrives, he works as a waiter on a small business café and during the night, he works as a bartender until midnight.
Ever since then, Liam forgot how to act of his age. He never engage himself into parties, drinking, going out with friends or the idea of blind dates or group dates or anything with the word ‘date’ in it. And even though there’s a fair amount of ladies lining up to get his attention, Liam humbly rejects them all.
His younger brother doesn’t like what he’s doing as well. Leo doesn’t like it when he’s beside him in his hospital bed instead of partying and trying to socialize. He kept mentioning of getting a life but Liam just shrugged the idea – Leo was his life, what was there more to get?
In honesty, Liam was scared. He was scared that on one certain night he’ll be partying or going out with some girls, Leo’s brain would just shut down and he wouldn’t be able to be there when that happens. It was already painful whenever Liam witnesses Leo having seizures, how his whole body just snaps and shakes and like someone was strangling his brother, someone he couldn’t see and he couldn’t stop. Seeing him like that was like seeing Leo battling for his life – a constant battle of life and death – not just of Leo, but also for Liam.
And Liam couldn’t bear the thought of it. What if his brother would never wake up? Who would be there to comfort him, to tell him he’s okay, and he can still live? And these thoughts would run endlessly inside his head as he holds Leo’s hands, begging him to wake up, to not leave him, to keep fighting – and in a matter of seconds, Leo’s hand would move, his heart would start beating again and everything would be alright again.
But what Liam didn’t know was that the only reason why Leo struggles to fight and to live was because he couldn’t afford to leave his older brother without someone who’ll be there even if he was gone. He wanted to see Liam with someone. Someone who will take care of him more than how Liam cared for Leo, more than how he loved him.
Leo wanted a person who will stay with Liam, even when he’s gone.
II.
Liam woke up even before his alarm went on, something his body got used to after waking up at the same time for over two years now. He stretched a bit, jumped out of his bunk bed, and was ready to take another day of grueling work. But unlike all those other days, today was quite different, special.
Today was Leo’s birthday. And the only time he could spend with him was after his work, which will be a bit late, no more than three hours for the day. Yet, Leo understood – Liam can’t miss one day, every bill would be piling up and he doesn’t want Leo to spend his birthday in his filthy apartment.
Last time, he got him a 3-inch figurine from his favorite superhero comics, Captain Zap. On his other birthdays, Liam gave him a Captain Zap shirt, a Zapper sticker collection and a bunch of Captain Zap merchandise. It was pretty obvious – his younger brother was a big fan of the best selling comics, Captain Zap.
And today, on Leo’s 11th birthday, Liam was planning to give him the ultimate gift for a Zapper fan: a Limited Edition Captain Zap Book, a collection of the creator’s sketches, ideas, exclusive insight of his ideas and many more. He was determined to have it and to make Leo one of the lucky ones who’ll have the privilege of having that book even though it’ll cost him big amount money.
Liam walked a matter of three steps to his bathroom which he could only go inside by walking sideward because of the wrong position of the door. The bathroom was really small, but the whole place he was living in wasn’t big as well. It wasn’t really a residential unit – more like a basement. Liam chose to live in here because of the accessibility it has for his work and to the hospital, the rent was cheap and often, he was sleeping in the hospital.
Liam turned the shower which never fails to make him yelp because of the cold stipples of water hitting his body. There was no heater or anything to control the temperature of the water which ends up being a morning torture for Liam before he went off to work. When he was done, Liam headed to his first job – the newspaper store – which was just 5 houses away from the place he lives.
“Good morning, Mr. Cowell.” Liam greeted the old man seated in front of the store, just like he always did. Mr. Cowell is the owner of the shop, although all transactions weren’t discussed to him. You see, Mr. Cowell doesn’t speak, he doesn’t acknowledge your presence and he doesn’t care if you steal newspapers out of his newspaper stand. Not that he was too old that he can’t, but he just doesn’t want to do anything besides staring into the empty road in front of him, smiling to himself and sometimes, talking to himself. He’ll eat and sleep in there and the only time he’ll stand up was when he needed to go to bathroom, which Liam never gets to see on his entire time of delivering newspapers.
Rumors say that Mr. Cowell was waiting for his wife, who was already dead 50 years ago. They said he loved her so much that he didn’t accept her death and believed she would be coming home anytime soon. When he asks this to Paul, his only child and family, who’s the one responsible for the business of the store, he just smiles and says, ‘he just loved her so much’. So Liam, not hearing any denial about it, decided that it may be true.
“Always early, aren’t we?” Paul popped out of the store’s window before opening the front door and dumped a stack of newspapers on the concrete.
“You know me. And today’s quite special. I want to finish off as soon as I can.” Liam said, carrying the stack to the bike parked beside the shop.
“Ah! Leo’s birthday, am I right?” Paul crossed his arms and leaned to the wall, watching Liam key in the lock on the bicycle’s wheel. Liam nodded. “What’s your gift to him this time? You almost gave him all the – who’s that hero again?”
“Captain Zap,” Liam said, smiling.
“Right, Zap. So, are there any more Zap things to give to Leo?”
“A lot of Zap things are still out there, Paul,” Liam said. “But I’m giving him the ultimate gift for a Zapper.” Liam proudly said; his foot ready to hit the pedal. “I’m quite sure he’ll like it.”
“I think he’ll like anything you’re going to give him. You’re a very good brother to him, Liam.” Paul pushed himself off the wall and pulled out something from his pocket. “Here,”
“What’s this?” Liam held the small envelope curiously.
“Consider it as a gift from me to Leo.” Liam opened the envelope and he found himself smiling widely; it was his monthly pay, given earlier and added a couple of pounds than his usual salary. Liam didn’t really need it since he was already able to save money for the book but this was Paul’s gift for Leo and there was no use of arguing or pushing it back to him.
“Thank you so much,” Liam said, “I’ll let Leo choose what he wants from this.”
“Nah, it’s nothing,” Paul said quietly. “You’re the nicest delivery man we ever have and this is a small thing compared to what you’ve done for us. Now, go on. You don’t want to spend the whole day delivering newspapers!” His hand pushed Liam’s bicycle away, and Liam started to pedal away from them. “Say ‘Happy Birthday to Leo from me!”
Liam smiled back and saw how Mr. Cowell’s expression remained untouched. He never saw him talk to Paul, or Paul talking to him. It was such a disappointment that Paul wasn’t able to reach the time where his dad could still speak to him. Still, whenever Liam leaves the store, he never fails to wonder if ever there will be a time wherein he’ll love someone as much as Mr. Cowell did.
III.
Liam counted his money for the 11th time to make sure he brought the right amount of money as he heads to the bookstore. The bar owner was kind enough to let him leave earlier so that he could still buy the book before 10 PM and to have some time to wrap it. Liam could already imagine Leo’s expression when he unwraps his gift – he’ll be jumping, screaming and he’ll be boasting it to every person he’ll see. That moment will be priceless.
He could already see the bookstore’s sign in line with other stores, and a few more shops and he’ll be there when suddenly, the light from the sign flickered and then turned off. When Liam looked to the store’s entrance, a man was already locking it from the outside.
“No – No! Wait!” Liam shouted, running through a stream of people and seeing the person walking out of the store. “WAIT – SIR!” The man stopped and turned around.
Liam bends his back as he tried to catch his breath. When he stood up, his hands found its way to the shoulders of the man, whom he finally recognized as the owner. “Why – why are you closing already? It’s just,” Liam lifts his hand and glanced at his wristwatch, “, it’s just 9:30 – I still have 30 minutes left to buy something.”
The owner stared at him for a while, and then reached for his hand and let him lean to the store’s glass, which Liam thought was quite dangerous so he stand up straight instead. When Liam was able to regain his usual pace of breathing, the owner inhaled sharply and narrows his eyes at Liam.
“Sorry son. My daughter’s coming home today, got to close early.” He tried to turn away but Liam grabbed him by his arm. “You can come back here tomorrow, I’ll be opening earlier.”
But Liam can’t wait ‘til tomorrow. He needed it now. “Look, sir. I’m not going to stay inside your store and look for a book because I already know what book to buy – just let me buy it, please.”
The owner shrugged. “I’m sorry. I really have to go.” Liam heard the raise of his tone. He removed Liam’s hand from his arm and turned around, quickly than he did a while ago. This time, Liam blocked the man’s way – disrespectful and not his style – but damnit he got no choice and he was desperate. If he has to kneel down and beg, he will. He has to have that book.
“Please sir. I really need that book.”
“And I really need to go. Now please, get off of my way.”
“You don’t understand sir. It’s my brother’s birthday today – he’s been waiting for this the whole year and all I am asking for you is to let me buy that book.”
“Listen, kiddo – and listen close. I haven’t seen my daughter for the past 20 years and this is my only chance to see her – to have this whole evening with her. I can’t open again, and that’s final. Now get the hell out of my way or else I’ll have to hurt you and you don’t want that to happen.” The owner pushed Liam away, almost losing his balance and finally stopped himself from interfering with the man’s reunion with his daughter.
He watched the owner gets inside his car and drives away with such speed. Liam turned to the brick wall between the door and the store’s window display and started kicking.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Why today?” He kicked, “Why not yesterday? Tomorrow? Why of all days should it be today?” Liam repeatedly kicked the wall – he could see some people watching him from behind but he doesn’t care – he was pissed off. He leaned against the wall and slides himself down to the floor – what now? All this saving and imagining of the perfect gift for Leo all went down to the drain. He glanced at his watch, 9:54. There was no way he would be able to reach the nearest mall by just a matter of 60 seconds.
Worst part was he wasn’t even able to buy something, like cake or balloons. He brought his knees to his chest and drops his head to his arms – repeatedly cursing this day – when he saw a shadow in front of him, he stands up immediately.
“I knew you were coming b-,” Liam cut himself off when he saw that the person wasn’t the owner. It was a guy, probably the same age he is, staring at him with a straight expression – Liam averted from his eyes and looked at what he was wearing instead – a white tee, topped with a plaid shirt and topped with a denim jacket, geez, what’s with his style? His eyes fall into his black pants and finally to his combat shoes and then found its way back to those eyes that was still looking at him.
“Uhm, what do you want?” Liam squinted. The light from the lamppost made it hard for him to see the stranger’s face clearly.
The guy seemed to sense his difficulty so he moved beside him and Liam finally caught a good glimpse of him. Liam had to admit – he was good-looking. He leaned against the door and bends his head down – exposing the deep indentions on his face. Liam looked closely and saw he has the same color of eyes as him, only a bit lighter. His hair was a bit messy, but Liam thought it fits him, even his facial hair. It was giving him this artist/rockstar/mysterious vibe.
When Liam realized the stranger was now doing the same thing as he did – he diverted again. He still hasn’t thought of an alternative best gift and now he’s beside a complete stranger which can be really dangerous at some point. Liam was just about to pull himself off the wall when he heard the stranger mumbled something.
He cocked his head to face him. “Is there something you need to say? ‘Cause I really have to go.”
“I’m sorry – I was looking at the books in ‘ere,” he pointed to the store’s window, “and I kind of overheard your conversation with the owner. Is it alright if I ask what’re you supposed to buy?”
Oh, right. A nosy stranger – just what he exactly needs.
“It’s none of your business. It’s not like you’re the owner of the store and you could open it again and let me buy that book.”
The stranger bit his lip and his mouth curled into a contained smile. “Yeah, of course – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you or anything.” Liam was being a very different kind of person today and he hated that. He suddenly felt a pan of guilt and so he looked back.
“Captain Zap,” Liam said and the stranger coughed as if his mouth caught on something, “it’s the book I was supposed to buy. It’s a Limited Edition. A gift for my brother and I saved a lot of money for it – it’s expensive, but I bet it’ll be worth it – but this happened. You heard it right?”
The stranger smiled but didn’t show his teeth and then it followed a slight nod.
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“It’s a normal reaction,” He finally turned to face Liam, “it’s not like everyday someone would just approach you and ask what book you wanted to buy, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“So, this Zap book you’re supposed to buy, how are you going to get it?”
“I don’t think I will. It’s 10 o’ clock already. I bet all of the bookstores are already closed, even the bakeries. Guess I’ll just cook something for my brother.”
“Or you could come with me,” the stranger offered. His voice was confident and it reigned over Liam’s doubtful thoughts, “I know where you can still have that book.”
Okay. Liam wasn’t that stupid to fall on this silly trap. It’s not like he doesn’t know these kinds of motives. This guy might be thinking that this meeting of theirs was some sort of coincidence – how could someone happen to know where to have this specific book he was looking for? Is this the new way of getting victims? Liam took another look at this person – he really was good looking. What a waste. He could’ve done better if he became a model instead of a murderer or sex maniac or someone who works for the human trafficking shit or something.
“I’m sorry. I have to go.” Liam said as he started to walk away. He was kind enough not to report him to the cops.
“Wait!” The guy’s voice echoed behind him, feeling a grip on his arm. Liam instantly jerked away. If this person was going to force him inside a truck or van he’ll have to fight him. But the stranger’s expression didn’t show any sign of wanting to get physical or hurting somebody. “Okay. That was wrong. I know I sounded scary or someone like a murderer or whatever criminal you’re thinking about. But I’m not.” He inhaled sharply, “I’m just here to help. I’m Zayn.” He smiled wider this time, but Liam was still thinking this was part of the plan. Although hearing the sincerity from Zayn’s voice lowered his suspicion. Still, he could be a murderer.
“How would I know you’re not going to bring me to your secret hideout and get my intestines out of me?”
Zayn laughed, throwing his head back a little. If he was feigning this one, Liam thought he was doing one hell of good job about it. “Man, that’s pretty morbid. But seriously, you could take my picture if you want –“
“It wouldn’t change the fact that you could still drug me on a dark alley and let your other murderers pounce on me.”
“God, you have a wild imagination. And you’re hard to convince.”
“Defense mechanism. Prevention is better than having my body parts sold all over the world.” Liam was just saying things, but he knew he was starting to feel a bit comfortable.
“Look,” he paused, “you need that book badly, right? And you can’t settle with home cooking – you have no choice. I’m offering help. If you think I’m bringing you to some kind of unknown place, you could run anytime. But to make you feel more comfortable, we’ll walk in the main street.”
He raised his eyebrows, waiting for the confirmation. Liam was still doubtful but Zayn was right. What if he does know where he could still buy that book? An underground bookstore for the bookworms could’ve existed. He could try. And besides, if ever he attempts to attack him, Liam was confident he could out strength him, after all Zayn was lean and doesn’t look like a big fan of working out.
“So are you coming?” Zayn asked. Liam narrows his eyes but nodded anyway.
“I still don’t know your name.”
“Liam.” He answered, and then he followed up, “Why are you helping me again?”
“I guess it was kind of meant to be that I overheard your conversation and that I know where you could get the book.”
“You’re saying it’s some sort of destiny?” Liam tried to stifle his laugh.
“Well, who knows, Liam? Maybe it is.” It wasn’t supposed to feel like the first time he’s trying to figure out how to kiss his crush, but strange as it may seem, it did.
—-
It was pretty clear a while ago that Zayn didn’t mention any kind of bookstore or underground deliveries for certain books – it was just that he knows a place where Liam could get it – and he never imagined Zayn would be bringing him to Captain Zap’s headquarters.
Okay, first things first, Liam wasn’t the one who introduced the Zap comics to Leo – it was given to Leo by his classmate before and Liam didn’t really paid attention to it. But when Leo was confined, and he was looking for someone whom he could talk to about his thoughts for the story, the characters, the plot twists and even the dialogues, Liam was left with no choice but to read. And in a matter of two nights, Liam was hooked to the story that he had to wake Leo up just to ask him, if Captain Zap’s leading lady was the same person as the one who he’s trying to hunt down for years. He hated plot twists and can’t afford to read the next issue unless Leo spilled out some clues.
So maybe Liam was a fanboy and he had enough reasons to act like one.
The first thing that caught his attention was this big illustration of Captain Zap and all the characters on the wall – stretching for about 10 meters and 7 feet high. It’s so big Liam had to tilt his head to see the whole thing. When he walked inside, the place was kind of messy, but in an artistic kind of mess – not like the mess in his house where he doesn’t have any idea where to put the things. Papers were everywhere, and he could see some raw sketches and color trials.
So Zayn was that kind of fan who’ll buy the artist’s sketches, Liam thought. When he turned to the right, two large monitors were on the corner, and wallpapers of Capt. Zap and his villains spread out of the screens.
“This place – I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s like I’ve seen Captain Zap without his costume and mask or anything.” Zayn smiles back at him. Liam noticed he was just observing him, and it made him feel uncomfortable. “Are all of these yours?”
Zayn leaned in to the wall and nodded. “Sort of. Some were just given to me.”
“But it’s still yours.” Zayn chuckled and then nods again. “Some friends you have.” Liam walked a bit further. He imagined Leo coming in here and basking himself with all these things. He’ll like it so much in here Leo would convince him to confine him in this place rather than the hospital.
Liam saw a glass cabinet that holds these Captain Zap memorabilia of all sorts: keychains, t-shirts, bag tags, note books, caps and all other things Liam didn’t know existed.
Beside it, there was another glass cabinet, more items were there: shoes, mugs, headsets with the Zap logo and then his eyes locked into a single paper that was placed in the middle:
Certificate of Recognition to
Zayn Malik
Creator of Captain Zap
….
“Wait…”
Zayn Malik
“No – “ He blinked twice, making sure he was reading the name right. It didn’t change. He turned to face Zayn who was now holding a bottle of beer and watching him with utter amusement. “You – Zayn, this Zayn – and Captain Zap,” Liam stammered.
“Yeah, I’m the Zayn in there. And yes, I’m the one who created Captain Zap.” He coolly replied.
It was different when Zayn was the one who said it – Liam felt like something dropped on his head. Zayn took a short swig and faced the shelf that was beside his couch, he pulled put a book that Liam recognized immediately as the Captain Zap Limited Edition book.
“I told you I know a place where you could find it,” Zayn claimed, waving the book in air.
“Uh huh,” This was real. Liam Payne. This is real – Zayn Malik, the one who created your brother’s hero is in front of you offering you the book you’ve saved up for months. All those things that were written and shown in there was right in front of him. Zayn offered him the book, “No.”
“What?”
“I’ll still have that, I’ll pay for it but there’s still one thing to do.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“Bring these papers and bring an identification card proving you’re Zayn Malik,” Liam pointed to the sheet of papers lying on the table.
“I don’t understand…”
“You’re coming with me, Captain Zap.”
IV.
“Is he your boyfriend?” Was the first thing that came out of Leo’s mouth when he saw Liam with Zayn. Liam flushed instantly while Zayn was cool enough to just smile and shake his head. “Oh, okay. So who is he? My new doctor?”
“He’s my gift to you.”
Leo’s jaw dropped. “Your gift for me is a guy? I’ve waited the whole day and you’re giving me a stripper? I don’t need that kind of pleasure, Li-Li.”
This time, Zayn really had to laugh, hard. “LEO. He’s not a stripper and I won’t tolerate that kind of things – God – you have to watch your mouth,” Liam glared at him but erased the expression immediately as he reminds himself that it’s his younger brother’s birthday today. He pulled out the book out of his bag and handed it to Leo. “Remember –“
“CAPTAIN ZAP’S LIMITED EDITION BOOK! WOW!” Leo jumped out of his bed and grabbed the book out of Liam’s hand. He sat cross-legged into his bed, as if there was no one inside his room watching him. He flipped some pages and his face lighted up each time he sees the content. “Captain Zap’s studies for his costumes? Wicked.”
He closed the book and smiled so wide Liam felt like his face was going to tear apart. “Thank you, Li-Li!”
“Actually, I’m not the one you should be thanking.” Liam stepped back and looked at Zayn. “He’s the one who gave me the book when the bookstore closed early.”
“Hey.” Zayn waved and Leo hesitantly smiled. “I’m Zayn.” He stretched out his hand to offer it to Leo but Leo asked something instead.
“W-what’s your name again?” He stepped forward and Liam watched him locked his eyes with Zayn.
“Zayn. I’m Zayn Malik.”
“The creator of Captain Zap,” Liam added.
THUMP. The book slipped from Leo’s finger. “You’ve got to be kidding me,”
“Same here,” Liam and Zayn exchanged smiles.
“If this is some kind of joke you better say it now before I start convincing myself this is real.” Leo threatened, his eyes not looking away from Zayn. Both lads remained silent.
“Oh my god, this is real.” Leo jumped out of his feet and went back to his bed; buried himself into the pillow and started screaming.
“Is he – is he alright?” Zayn asked, seeing Leo pound his fist on his bed, repeatedly straining his voice beneath the pillow.
“Completely normal. That’s his version of fangirling, I guess.”
“LIAM!” Leo sat up and Liam immediately stepped forward and sat beside him. “Is this real? Tell me this is real.”
“You’re overreacting again, Leo. Of course this is real.”
“How did you two meet?”
“By accident –“
“I thought it was destiny?” Zayn corrected and Liam just rolled his eyes but he can’t deny that he felt a swelling feeling on his chest – it felt weird, but it wasn’t that bad.
“Like Captain Zap brought the two of you together?” Leo asked with such enthusiasm. Liam looked at him and wondered where did that come from? Zayn nodded and Leo laughed, “Cool.” And then like a robot, Leo went back to the state he was in a while ago, “Li-LI!”
“What now?”
“Why didn’t you tell me he was coming? Look at me! I look like Dr. Squid meets Voldemort!” Leo covered his bald head, “You should’ve brought my cap and Zapper shirt! This is a once in a lifetime and look how hideous I am!” Leo covered his head with his small hands and squirmed.
“Come on, you don’t look like Voldemort or Dr. Squid. You looked just like me, just without the hair,” Liam smiled. He wasn’t lying when he said these things – Leo was the smaller version of Liam – only he had puffy cheeks due to medication and smaller body stature, but the rest was undeniably Liam’s share with Leo. “Now stop whining and why don’t you start interviewing Zayn?”
Before he stands up, Leo grabbed Liam’s hand and wrapped his arms around him, too tight that Liam believed it was the tightest hug he got from Leo ever since.
“Thank you so much! You’re the best – thank you so much, LI-Li.”
Liam could hear the bliss from Leo’s voice. Liam was able to what he wanted: to make Leo feel extremelyspecial on his birthday. It was everything Liam needed, his happy voice and this, thank you hug.
Liam smiled at Zayn who walked in closer and raised both his hands and bade an ‘okay’ sign. Liam shook his head because it was more than okay. He never saw his brother this happy and if it wasn’t for Zayn, none of this could’ve happen. Liam noted that he’ll say all of this once the both of them were alone, but right now, a simple whisper of “Thank you” was enough.
—-
It was definitely the best birthday of Leo and Liam shared this happiness after seeing his brother, smiling ear to ear until he fell asleep in the middle of Zayn’s explanation why Captain Zap and his leading lady couldn’t be together. And Leo’s birthday surprise turns out to be more than just a book – but an exclusive conversation with the creator himself, something not every Zapper could experience.
Liam was sitting on this small couch that faces Leo’s bed. He was staring outside the window when he saw the movement on Leo’s bed. Zayn stood up and sat next to him, their shoulders brushed and Liam thought he must be so tired because why was he panicking over a simple touch of their shoulders. There was even a fabric dividing them so it was really far from ‘touching’ – for God’s sake Liam, calm down.
Zayn didn’t seem to mind though. He looks very much relaxed but tired as well.
“He’s a funny guy. Asking questions no one ever dared to ask.” Zayn started.
Liam kept his eyes on Leo, but he could still see Zayn’s movement, and he was sure that Zayn was facing him. “L-like what?”
“Like ‘are you interested in guys’ or more precisely, ‘are you gay?’” This time, Liam had to face Zayn.
“I’m sorry –Leo, he could be quite annoying sometimes but, shit – I’m really sorry…” He looked back at Leo who was sound asleep but he glared at him instead, really, Leo, really? You get a once in a lifetime experience to get to know the person you admire and you ask him these unnecessary questions? Liam noted that he really have to scold Leo about his mouth.
“No, it’s fine. I don’t really mind. I’m not offended or anything. I enjoyed talking to him. He’s a smart kid.”
“Yeah, I guess?”
“He must’ve gotten it from his brother.” Zayn assumed and his gaze didn’t leave Liam’s. He found himself caught into the beauty of his eyes – it was up-close, hazel, reflective – and the moonlight shining outside their window made Zayn more convincing to look at. When Liam realized they were straight out staring at each other, he looked away. He suddenly felt awkward and fidgeted with his fingers, a habit of him whenever he felt nervous or uneasy.
“So, uhm – did you like, answer his question?” He asked without looking, where’s your manners, Liam?
“About me being gay?” Liam nodded. “I’m not straight. But I’m not gay either. More like, bi? I kind of swing both ways, I guess.” The room was silent and all Liam could hear was the echo of Zayn’s voice – and now he could hear it clearly. It was raspy and strong, gentle yet there was a hint of mystery behind each word. Liam was feeling uneven turns in his stomach. He felt like he wasn’t socializing with people for so long he forgot how it feels like to respond and act normally.
“But I’m into guys lately – most of my successful relationships are with guys so I prefer them.” Zayn added.Relationships. How many did he have? How about on the girl’s side? Liam didn’t know why he was curious or why he wanted to know – maybe the thought of Zayn preferring a guy gave him a little bit of hope that they could be friends – or maybe more than that?
He shrugged the idea away. He just met him for the past 5 hours and now he’s thinking he likes him? Ridiculous. He got a responsibility and he has no time for these silly love games.
“How about you?” Zayn snapped him out of his thoughts.
“What about me?” Liam asked, looking back at Zayn who was still staring back at him. God, does he even know how to look away?
“How’s your relationships?”
“I don’t know. I never had a girlfriend, or boyfriend.”
“Ever?!” Zayn almost shouted. Liam looked at him and wondered why he looked so shock, it wasn’t like he was good looking or anything. Sure, girls tried to take him out of the bar sometimes, but he was sure they were just for one night stands something that doesn’t really need a good-looking face to fuck.
“Ever.” Liam plainly replied. “I don’t think I could make a relationship work with the kind of situation I’m into. Not that I’m blaming Leo or anything but I thought there’s much better things I’m off to do…”
Zayn nodded and then he looked away. “But how about you? Don’t you ever feel lonely?”
“It hits me sometimes, but as long as my brother’s here, I’m happy with what I have.”
“But what if –“ Zayn cut himself off. “Nevermind.”
Liam didn’t ask anymore and so was Zayn. Liam wanted to say the things that were running through his mind a while ago – thank him, ask him if he’d be showing up here sometimes, what does he do aside from drawing, where he came from and will he see him again? Liam wanted to know Zayn better. He was the one who said it was ‘destiny’. So somehow, their meeting was meant to be, right?
“So, uhm – are you like, going back here?” His fidgeting started again.
“Only if you want me to.” His voice was too soft it was almost a whisper – it was almost near to the description of being seductive.
“Well, Leo would be very happy to continue his interview with you.” Okay. So Liam tried to stir away from the invitation but Zayn chuckled, which means he figured what he was trying to do.
“You’re really interesting, Liam.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Being ‘really interesting’ wasn’t the sweetest thing to hear –– but when you’ve lived your life hearing people say you’re boring, you don’t get jokes, you’re not humorous and most of all and you’re not aware of flirting, those two words were enough to make Liam blush.
V.
Liam woke up inside Zayn’s arms, his head on his shoulder and his fingers loosely intertwined with Zayn’s. He didn’t quite remember how they ended up being like this and who held who. But one thing was for sure – Liam felt good, he felt comfortable, cozy and he liked the idea of lingering. Unfortunately he can’t. He was off to work his arse the whole day again and he won’t be able to see Zayn. But then he recalled that Zayn would try to visit often and maybe that was enough to convince Liam that he will see Zayn again.
He carefully pulled away out of Zayn’s arm and pushed himself off the couch as he grabbed an extra blanket to cover Zayn. Liam wondered how someone could look so perfect even when he’s sleeping. His long lashes that rests on his cheeks and the gentle snores he make, Liam wouldn’t doubt that every day, girls or boys wanted to line up to be with him. And he wouldn’t mind waking up with this person everyday.
When Zayn moved a little, Liam realized he’d been staring for too long and it was time to go.
—-
Zayn didn’t show up to the hospital for the past two days and Liam was starting to question if all that was just mere imagination and Zayn never really existed. And then Leo starts reading the book he gave him and Liam knew he really did met Zayn. Liam thought he should’ve asked for his number so that he’ll know when he can they see each other again because Liam didn’t have enough courage to knock up on someone’s door and casually ask him ‘How’s it going?’ like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
So Liam decided he’ll stop thinking about Zayn and think that he was just there to fulfill his brother’s dream and concentrate on his work. Zayn may have forgotten about the whole thing as well – mabe it was just a normal fan encounter for him and he’s too kind to decline Liam’s offer of going with him in the hospital.
Liam assumed that was it and Zayn would never show his face again. But on the fourth night of trying not to think about the comic artist, the lad showed up to the bar he was working at.
“So this is where you’ve been working.”
The voice was too familiar and distinct – like hell, he only recognizes three voices: Leo’s, Paul’s and the owner of the bar (the café owner never showed up) – and Zayn’s voice impossibly registered on his mind too fast. He turned around and sees the person that was lurking on his mind for the past four days. He felt like jumping, asking him all the questions on why didn’t he visit or did he forgot about Leo (or him) but he settled with a very deep gulp instead.
“Liam? Are you alright?” Zayn cocks his head, and Liam snapped away from his thoughts in an instant.
“W-what are you doing here?” Liam’s voice was simply asking; he wasn’t angry or anything – he wanted to know. Coincidence again? Destiny?
“You know, a smile and a hello would be nice.” Zayn teased and Liam gripped the fabric of his apron, flushed and embarrassed after recognizing what he just asked was really rude.
“I’m sorry. I was just, surprised to see you here.”
“It’s nothing. I come here whenever I feel confined inside my house, or overdosed with too much caffeine.” Liam bit his lip – so he wasn’t there to see him. Coincidence again. Liam watched Zayn’s fingers playfully tap the wooden finish of the counter by the beat of the music. “Maybe that’s why you look familiar.”
Liam just falls into this silent response of smiling.
“You left without saying anything last time.”
Liam looked up, his eyes meeting the deep gaze of Zayn. “Who, me?”
“Yeah. You just left without saying goodbye or your number – just a blanket.” Zayn said.
“I didn’t want to wake you up,” so Zayn wanted his number, Liam you are an idiot. He should’ve just left it and stopped over thinking things for four days.
“I’ve been busy for the past few days, the publisher wanted daily reports of my progress.” Liam just nodded, but deep inside he felt like melting because Zayn was explaining. He was explaining why he wasn’t showing up in the hospital –he wanted to go, he wanted to see him.
“I really wanted to see Leo again,” he paused “and you.”
Liam had to really smile this time and tried not to look avert from Zayn’s gaze. He wanted to see you – yesyesyesyes – Liam was jumping up and down inside, those days of thinking about Zayn wasn’t turn into waste.
“I asked Leo where you’re working and he told me this place. Is it true? You really work the whole day?”
“Yes, newspaper delivery in the morning, waiter in the afternoon and this,” he stretched his arms, “til night to dusk.”
“Must be tiring.” Zayn assumed.
“It became a daily routine. Once you get used to it, doesn’t feel that tiring at all.” A voice called out his name, and asked for his help. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.”
Zayn motioned it was okay. He was about to turn away when Zayn called his name. “Your shift’s over at what time?”
“1 AM.”
“Good, see you later then.”
Before Liam could say anything, Zayn disappeared into the crowd of people.
—-
When Liam opened the door, Zayn was already there, leaning against the wall and smiling at him. Zayn brought him to a 24-hour diner and was the first customers to order pancakes. He loved the company of Zayn – he was cool, funny in his own way and he loved how he just stares at him all the time. It made him feel special – like there was something in him that Zayn found to be worth staring at.
Zayn asks him about he dealt with the loss of his parents and Liam said it became too long he remembered how he really dealt with it. All he could remember was he and his brother was waiting in their living room for the arrival of their parents from work when a cop knocked on their door and told them the tragic news.
“Leo didn’t cry that time,” Liam explains, “Actually, I was the one who cried a lot and he was the one who comforted me. He’s pretty strong to hear that kind of news at such age. When I told him he has cancer, and I was crying, he was just there, smiling and hugging me, telling me it’s okay and we’ll get through it together.”
“It must be tough for both of you, living alone.” Zayn sliced a small piece of his pancake. “And you, doing all the work,” he said before putting in the slice inside his mouth.
“He’s the only one I got and I just can’t imagine my life without him. Is it wrong to feel that way?”
“Why would that be wrong?”
“’Cause people say I should try living my life. Not just for my brother.”
Zayn puts down his fork and faced Liam. There was sincerity and care from his eyes as if Zayn was trying to see his whole life through them. “I think you just need somebody who’ll make you feel that even if things go wrong, someone would be there for you. Someone who’ll show you how it feels like to be taken care of, to be loved.”
It was the most beautiful thing Liam has ever heard n his entire. It opened him up to the possibility that there was a certain person out there willing to take care of him and be there to hug him when things fall out of place, and Liam hoped that this person was the one who’s sitting in front of him. He never met someone like Zayn, more likely; he didn’t let anyone get this close to him. To know about this past, his fears and what he feels. He felt comfortable with Zayn, he felt safe.
And at some point, Liam wanted to stay with this feeling.
VI.
“So you like him.” Leo smiles wide, his teeth showing as he teases Liam whilst he prepares coffee for himself.
“Leo-“
“Oh c’mon, Li! I’m already in the right age to know these things!”
Liam faced Leo, put his cup down and crossed his arms. “Oh yeah? And who in the right age would ask someone he just met if he’s gay or interested with guys?”
Instead of being embarrassed, Leo laughed. “If I didn’t ask him that, you two wouldn’t be going out.”
Liam’s jaw dropped for a second. “We are not going out, Leo.”
“Oh that’s where the two of you are going to end up anyways! Zayn likes you, and you like him, what’s there to deny?”
Liam just shook his head and sipped from his cup. Of course, it would be really great to know what Zayn’s real feelings are, but they were just hanging out as friends, talking causally and seeing each other once or twice a week. Zayn would often visit Leo and bring more of those Zapper collectibles while he watches the two of them engage in some deep conversation. Still nothing special with that, right?
“Oh please, don’t tell me this is about me.” Liam remained silent and sat beside Leo instead. “I’m pretty sure Zayn’s sending you enough signals that he likes you and you keep ignoring all of them. What’s stopping you?”
“You know I can’t be selfish and just think about what I want.”
“You think you’re being selfish because you’re going out with someone? Geez, Liam. That’s what I’ve wanted you to do – to be selfish once in your life and stop thinking about me.”
“I can’t do that.”
“I’m not saying you should stop thinking about me. All I want is for you to be happy, to stop restraining yourself from doing what you want because you think you’re being selfish or anything. At least let me see you with someone you like even before I die.”
Liam instantly turns to Leo. He never liked it when Leo talks about death or when he’s gone. He still can’t imagine his life without him and hearing things like that was like stabbing him straight into his chest.
Before Liam could say something, Leo takes a hold of his hand and looked straight into his brother’s eyes. “Look, Li. I know how much you love me and you never failed to show that. You’ve lived your life thinking about what I want, what I need and what makes me happy, and I’m so thankful to have you as my brother. But I can’t let you live your life built around me forever. Your life isn’t over when I’m gone – it’s just the start and I want to see that before my brain wouldn’t comprehend things anymore.”
Liam places his other hand to Leo’s, squeezed them tightly and a tear fell from his eyes. He hated this feeling – the feeling as if anytime, Leo would go and leave him.
“I want you to be happy with someone, someone who’ll love you, someone who’ll stay even if I’m gone.”
And with that, Liam has no answer.
—-
When Liam was alone, all he could think of was what Leo had said to him that night. He thought about their meeting in the bookstore and however he puts it, maybe they were really meant to see each other that night. Zayn was the artist and Liam was this desperate buyer of his comics – he felt like it was driven out of books or movies again. Maybe it was really meant for him to meet Zayn.
He understands his situation, Leo likes him, and Zayn was like Leo’s second brother. Everything falls into the right place. Maybe it’s not so bad to try.
—-
Liam spends some of his savings that was supposed to be for the book to buy some new curtains, bed sheets and floor rug. He was going to invite Zayn in his hideous hideout – which he wishes would turn into something not very hideous at all.
It was Leo’s idea that they should eat dinner at his room, watch movie and just talk about a different things. Liam tried to forget the rest of his advice because really – since when did Leo knew about the term ‘making out’, ‘groping’ and ‘blowjobs’. Liam forgot to scold him about his mouth again – or maybe he should blame the nurses who surround him.
When Zayn arrived, Liam didn’t feel anything awkward at all. It was normal, like they always used to.
“You have a cozy room.” Zayn complimented. His eyes roam around the 360 view of the room, everything was there and somehow, Liam thought this was a bad idea. He could still drag Zayn out and just eat in a fancy restaurant, right? But when he saw Zayn smiles and comfortably sits on his bed, Liam drops the idea instantly.
“I just did a good job doing makeovers.” Liam said, sitting beside Zayn, but not too close. Suddenly, Liam felt like his room was air tight and it was suddenly hard to breathe. He glanced at Zayn and he looks really relaxed. Liam wondered how he does that all the time.
“Uhm, Zayn?”
Zayn turns to him, his innocent smile made his heart skip a beat. “Hm?”
“Well. I – you see, I’m not really used to these kind of things, like going out and knowing if two people are going out. I’ve never been in a relationship and I never went out with anyone before not even blind dates and – shit – okay, I’ve practiced this –“ Liam runs his fingers to his hair, this was going downhill from what he and Leo expected. It was supposed to sound romantic and sweet but he sounded like a drunken guy, and all his words slurred.
Zayn remained quiet but was watching him intensely. Thanks for making me more nervous, Liam thought. He started to fidget with his fingers again, “Look, I like you – you’re kind and Leo likes you and you like him and we all like each other it’s perfect – I just, I don’t know how this will work because I’m not used to-“
Zayn silences him when leans in and lands a gentle kiss on his lips. “You don’t need to say all of that. I know what you’re trying to say.”
“You – you do?” Liam manages to let those words escape his mouth.
“Of course. I know you’ve been through a lot and this whole thing is new to you. I just – I admire you so much – and you’re such a hardworking person, you love your brother so much and you’ll do anything for him. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by someone like you and maybe or no – not maybe, I mean, I want to or I was thinking that maybe I could be that person.” Zayn gulps, “But most of all, I want to take care of you, Liam. Can I do that?”
Liam pursed his lips, there were a lot of things he still wanted to say, but he settled with a fervent nod. Zayn curls his lip into a sweet smile and he reached for Liam’s cheeks. He shuddered by the contact, but relaxes later on when Zayn’s thumb caresses his skin with such care Liam never thought he’d ever feel.
Zayn drops his finger to Liam’s chin and gently pulled him closer, and their lips meet yet again. Liam felt the warmth from Zayn’s lips – the taste of smoke and mint slurred inside Lim’s mouth. Zayn’s other hand pushes Liam’s back to have their bodies more in contact, more touching. Liam places his hand on Zayn’s shoulders, slowly responding as Zayn lightly nips his bottom lip.
A soft gasp escapes from Liam, and he heard Zayn’s movement on his mouth saying, “damn Liam, you can’t just do that”. Zayn swiped his tongue inside Liam’s, his chest heaved as he felt the wet muscle enticing his mouth, inviting him to open it wider and he tilts his head to give Zayn more access.
Zayn presses his chest on Liam’s and his back drops into the mattress. Liam’s fingers find its way t Zayn’s hair, grips into the strands as Zayn hovered his head lower and started landing kisses to Liam’s throat that turned into slick, sensual bites. His body moved involuntarily, bucking up and wanting to have as much contact as possible.
Liam wasn’t able to hold his moan when he felt Zayn’s cold hand lift the end of his shirt. He sits up straight and removed it without hesitation and invited Zayn to do the same thing. When their bare bodies made contact again, Liam felt like he was having a shower from his bathroom. The prickly feeling revolted on his spine, his eyes shut, and feeling more of Zayn’s lips pressed on his collarbone.
And then Zayn’s fingers slip into the waistband of his sweatpants, pulling them down together with his boxers. Liam felt embarrassed, not being naked in front of anyone else, not even to Leo. But Zayn made him feel comfortable, his eyes looking at him with such admiration that Liam thought was how Zayn looked at him the first thing they’ve seen each other.
Unbuttoning Zayn’s pants were a challenge, especially when Zayn was starting to run his tongue on his nipples, flicking them, biting and blows a tiny stream of air to dry his skin. When Zayn was finally out of his pants, everything became so fast all Liam could register was Zayn’s hands wrapped around his cock, stroking him until he clenches his newly bought sheet and as he felt orgasm for the first time ever.
Zayn asked him if it was okay to continue and then Zayn’s finger was inside him, stretching him, asking him repeatedly if it was okay and yesyesyes, Liam would answer with so much need from his voice becausehell – he never felt this feeling before, it was exploding inside him, fireworks in each contact. And then their hips were locked, their lips pressed together, and all Liam could see was Zayn and his hazel eyes, he could hear his groans, his low, husky voice when he says his name and when Liam did the same thing, as they moved coherently, their bodies nudging until he finally reached his climax and screamed a breathy,“Zayn”.
When Liam wakes up, it was too perfect. He was inside Zayn’s arms, their feet intertwined and Liam’s arms resting on Zayn’s chest. Liam smiled and imagined he could stay like this, he could make Leo happy even if he was with Zayn. It was perfect, too perfect that like the usual protagonists in movies or books, bad things happen when you least expect it.
VII.
A week after that night, Liam wasn’t able to contact Zayn anymore. He wasn’t answering his calls and was not replying to any of his messages. He doesn’t like to think Zayn was just a one night stand – he was too kind to be like that. Leo convinced him to stop worrying, after all, Zayn is still a famous comic artist and he still has to draw without any distractions. Liam promised not to think about it, but it was just that Zayn was suddenly gone and he wasn’t able to know his whereabouts, it made him worry and he was somehow, tired of worrying.
Liam busies himself with his work instead, still thinking that Zayn might’ve been busy with his work and needed his time with his ‘artistic’ self. Unfortunately, it turns out that Zayn wasn’t the only one that was going to make Liam worry like hell.
He was wiping table inside the bar when his phone buzzed and he almost thought it would be Zayn when a female voice spoke instead. She was one of Leo’s nurses and informed him that Leo was having seizures again. When he arrived in the hospital, Leo was lying on his bed, but he looked so different, like Liam didn’t even see the changes form what he looks like the last time he have seen him which was just two days ago.
He was asleep, but his body looks very stiff, his hands were curled onto his side, as if he was holding something. Liam didn’t understand what was happening and to be honest, he doesn’t want to know. His heart stammered on his chest, needles puncturing every inch of his skin, he knew this situation was way different from all the other things that happened to Leo.
Liam felt he was slipping out of his axis again when the doctor speaks to him and told him Leo wasn’t going to last anymore. The tumor spread out on half of his brain, and an operation wouldn’t work out well for his young age. The doctor also warned him that Leo wouldn’t be the same anymore; there will be a lot of things that will be changing: his motor movements, his speech and his physical movement. What made it worst was that the doctor predicted that Leo wouldn’t live that long – a prior of 2-3 weeks before his brain completely shuts down. There was nothing they could do from this point.
It was hard to take it all in one seating, in one day, in one moment – alone. How could the doctors predictsomeone’s death? How could they say the operation wouldn’t work out f they haven’t tried it yet? There was nothing they could do about it? Bullshit. Fuck this hospital.
He sat beside Leo, who didn’t seem to notice his presence. He was just there, like fucking two days ago, talking to him about Zayn and what he should do and how he should deal with it. It wasn’t right. It wasfucking unfair. How could you suddenly click that switch and turn him into something different just like that?
Liam held Leo’s hand like before; he pressed his lips on Leo’s forehead – “Live for me, Leo. I can’t do this alone. I can’t…” But Leo made no response.
He can’t do this alone. He needed someone to comfort him, to hug him, to tell him everything’s going to be fine. Liam pulled out his phone and dialed Zayn’s number right away.
“Answer it, Zayn. Please, please, please…”
Hey. This is Zayn Malik. I can’t answer the phone right now so leave a message *BEEP*
“FUCK!” Liam shouted and sprinted all the way to Zayn’s house, tears streaming down his face. It was all too much – all of it to be taken away from him in just a matter of seconds. Why does Zayn have to be gone on the time he needed him most? Why didn’t he tell him anything if he’s leaving? He hated it. He hated people leaving him unexpectedly – he hated waiting, he hated the idea that he was the one who should wait.
Liam panted in front of Zayn’s door step – if he’s not home, better yet forget about him. He can’t stay with someone who’ll just be gone in a snap. He wiped his tears away and inhaled sharply before turning the knob, praying that it would open.
And it did.
When he swings the door open, he almost called for Zayn’s name when a female voice did it for him instead. He saw two suitcases on his side, he squints and read “New York” from one of the bag tags. Liam clenched his fist, not letting his pre-judgment rule over him. He still got to find Zayn.
And there he was: buried into his desk, opening parcels, laughing as if he didn’t forget anything, as if he didn’t leave someone behind. Liam felt his heart drop, right when his tears fall – he shouldn’t have come here in the first place. He took a step back the same time Zayn noticed his presence.
It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same look Zayn gave to him when he first met him. Liam ran outside, tears falling from his cheeks without stopping.
He stopped in front of the building and tried to gather his thoughts, when Zayn called behind him.
“Liam, please, let me explain.”
“I don’t want your fucking explanation.” Screwing out his face, Liam bitterly spat the words. He wanted to hit Zayn. He wanted to beat the hell out of him – that innocent, fucking face that made him believe all these stupid fucking lies. Another tear escaped from his cheek. It fucking hurts. He felt like Zayn just stepped onto his heart constantly. Zayn stepped forward and Liam defensively backed away, he saw Zayn’s hand reaching for him but he slapped them away. “Don’t. You. Dare. Touch Me.”
Zayn recoiled from Liam’s hurtful words, but he was determined. “She’s not my girlfriend. She’s my publisher.”
Liam remained silent. What was there to believe in him? It wasn’t because there was a girl – it was because he left him – out of fucking nowhere – without notice, without even saying that he’ll be back and that will be the first thing he’ll see? That goddamn smiling face of him?
“You went to New York.” He wasn’t asking. He was implying – he was shoving it into his face.
Zayn bit his lip. “Y-yes. She came here with the ticket and everything and I have to go immediately. I – I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you about it – I got caught up with the situation.”
“And since when were you here?”
Please, say just now. Say it – Liam could still make this right, he could still forgive him. “About two days ago –,” Zayn saw the way Liam’s eye blazed with anger, two days, and he wasn’t even able to explain everything even in just one message or call him and tell him everything? Look, Li I’m-”
“Don’t you fucking dare call me that.” That belonged to his brother, to his brother who was lying in there in his bed, slowly slipping away. “Don’t show your face to me anymore.”
“No, Liam. Please, don’t do this.” Zayn’s voice was starting to break. “Just listen to me.”
“What is there left for me to listen? I saw it Zayn – I saw how you laughed as if you didn’t care for anything – as if you didn’t leave someone behind.” He grips his phone tightly. “I should’ve known this was all too perfect – everthing was falling at place –“ Liam shook his head warily. “You were too perfect.”
“Liam…”
“I thought you understand what I was going through, Zayn. I thought you knew how it feels like. But you don’t have any single idea.”
“I know, I understand you Liam…I really do…”
“You do? Really? Is that how you show how you understand what it feels like?” Liam pointed his hand to his room, “You don’t know anything.”
“The moment my parents left us, I’ve been taking care of Leo. And every single day, before I go to sleep, I think about him – I think about how this cancer of him eats his brain – and then Leo, himself. I was alone, Zayn. I was alone,” Liam wiped his cheek “I see him in pain, alone. I see him struggle and battle for his life, alone. Not even a single soul was there to tell me that everything’s going to be alright and that Leo would wake up – I’ve battled with him alone.” Liam gritted his teeth.
“And then there was you.” Liam’s voice trembled with anger, with disgust. “You suddenly showed up in as if the whole goddamn universe has pulled you to the same bookstore as I am and says that you have the same book I was looking for. And then you made Leo smile, you made me smile. You gave both of us the hope that there was someone out there ready to care, not just for me, but also for my brother.”
Zayn wiped a trickle of tear on his eyes, right words were suddenly too hard to say.
“For the first time, I wanted someone to stay. I wanted you to stay. Not just because Leo wanted me to, but because I realized and I felt I needed to – that I can’t live my life alone. And you told me these things. You hugged me, you cared and I believed, Zayn. I believed.” Liam calmed himself and took a couple of breaths, “Leo won’t live long. And I thought you’ll be that someone who’ll stay.”
Liam stared right at Zayn’s eyes. “But it turns out that you’re not that someone I’m looking for.”
VIII.
Liam never saw Zayn again. Some of the nurses told him that some good-looking guy was visiting Leo a few days before he received the news that Zayn was going back to New York. He was glad to know Zayn didn’t forget about Leo – he was after all, had been a big part of Leo’s fight for survival.
Liam dropped his afternoon and night job to take care of Leo. He drastically changes everyday, and it breaks Liam even more. “Zap” was the only word Leo said when he tried to talk to him and Liam didn’t want to cry in front of his brother - he didn’t want to show Leo how he became so vulnerable, so weak and so helpless. He have to show him that he’s still with him in this battle, although Liam knew, they were near to losing it.
Leo never left his bed, he doesn’t want to go out anymore and he doesn’t show interest in any of his books or comics anymore. Liam still read to him every day. He gave a voice to Capt. Zap and all the other characters as if they were alive and Liam would bite the insides of his cheeks whenever he sees that faint hint of smile from Leo’s face. He could still hear him.
Days passed and Liam has to fully give up all his jobs. He was at the hospital 24/7, not leaving his brother’s side, and just watching him. Leo was completely bed ridden, but the pain on some of his body parts still occur and Liam couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear hearing Leo’s screaming echoing inside his head, crying out for help, screaming that ‘it hurts, it hurts, it hurts’. He grips Leo’s hands, tears falling down on his bed, he didn’t beg for him to fight anymore – Liam wanted him to rest.
—-
On a windy afternoon, while Liam was reading to Leo the latest issue of Captain Zap, his younger brother did the unexpected.
He felt a light touch on his wrist, and when he brought the comics down, he saw Leo’s eyes looking at him.
“Leo…” Liam drops down to his knees and held Leo’s hand immediately, his hand were so cold – but Liam continued to press his lips on them. “Leo, Leo…”
“Li —- “ Leo breathed out, as if he said something so long and Liam heard his voice was so tired. Liam wasn’t good on doing predictions but he felt it – this was the last moment he’ll be sharing with his brother.
Liam gripped his hand, “Leo, I’m here. Liam’s here.” A tear falls on his cheeks one by one; the pain and happiness of hearing Leo’s voice clouded his thoughts. “Liam’s here…” He breaks into a gentle sob. Remembering everything – every single moment they had, even with Zayn. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfill your wish. I’m sorry I won’t be spending my life with someone even if you’re gone. Please promise me you’ll still be happy up there, okay? You’ll be watching over me. You’ll be my angel – and you’ll be the one guiding me in finding that right person…okay?”
He felt a very light touch on his hair, and Liam lifts his head. Leo was looking at his hair with such absorption; he was smiling, as if it was the only thing in the world he could see – he weakly runs his fingers through them. Liam laughed even with his tears and spoke quietly, “You really loved my hair, don’t you?”
Leo just smiled, even with this state; Liam believed he understood what he was saying. He climbs to the bed next to him and wraps his arms around the person he loved the most. “Promise me you’ll keep reading Zap comics in there, alright? I bet they have lots in there…”
“Say hi to mom and dad for me…” Liam pressed his lips on his forehead. “I love you, Leo… I love you so much…”
“..ve..” Liam paused; thinking he heard something from Leo.
“W-what is it again?” He pulled Leo closer to him, his lips on Liam’s ears.
“Live…”
Liam hugged him tightly. In a second, he saw all those moments he had with Zayn. Liam had forgiven Zayn and he understood that he has also this life he needed to live. Zayn did not mean to leave him – but he can’t stay either. There things in this world that just comes to us, but it doesn’t mean it was for us to keep. Maybe Zayn wasn’t the one – maybe he just came into his life to make him believe in things he didn’t. Maybe they’ll see each other one day and they could start all over again.
But right now, Liam knew one thing he should do. It wasn’t just finding someone to stay.
It was finding a reason to live.