I go to play piano for 1 hour every day after school. The sinking feeling in my chest lifts in those hours. In those hours, I feel suddenly light, as if I were a feather, being carried carefully by an angel. But then it goes away when I hit the night, drive myself home, and find myself alone in my bed full of self-pity. I miss a lot of things, but I can't pinpoint what things that may be.
All I know, all I can pinpoint, is these things dwell in my heart, and cause tears to brim my eyes as I sink into my cold pillows.
All I can remember is that nobody is there to greet me when I enter the door, and nothing encourages me to follow school like a puppy.
And my result is feeling lonely, and receiving bad grades.
I used to be better in school, trust me, I was. But, I suppose I never really did care, but I still did the work, I mean there was nothing else to do. I had to tolerate the whine of Sally, and Alex's laughs. I had to go home, carry Elliot around as he cried, and then manage to scribble a few notes down to be counted as homework. So, yes, I didn't do so great, but, I did the routine, that it became like a motion, a robot.
And now, I broke that routine. I've lost any will to continue. I can't swim barely at the surface anymore.
Now, I was allowing myself to take in the deep blue sea, sinking in its waves till I was buried in the sand and cocooned to not even see the blue sky above.
Speaking of blue, I see Tom right now. I see his blue eyes right now. He's talking to somebody, with some girl, I think, and he looks happy. His pink lips are moving, his dark hair plops over those blue eyes, and his pale skin glows under the fluorescent orange lights. He doesn't spot me. His lean body then turns a corner and he's gone, I think he's heading to lunch. But I didn't take much notice.
I think I should go eat too.
But I don't go to the lunch room, not even the library- too many memories- I just step outside the building, the ring of the exit door alarm echoing behind me until I'm too far to hear it.
I stand in the middle of the concrete slab, where trees sway naked, and the park sits alone. Like me. Me and the park. Both alone, yet suddenly together.
I keep it company as I sit down at its blue-hole bench where a round table invites me to set down my snacks.
I munch on some carrots. Tom's inside joke plays as a memory in my head, an aching electrifying my temple, but I go with the pain. Deal with it, and force myself to munch on my carrots some more.
This is it, this is done. My aching thoughts snap me to sit straight. What the fuck am I doing? This is it, this really has to be it!
I'm going to have to stop treating myself like shit.
It's done.
I'm no longer self-pitying myself.
It's done.
And the sway of trees agree with me.
I finish my lunch. The scene of grey bark and bare branches smile down at me, bushes dancing underneath the sadness, they're happy though. And it's a possibility for me to be happy too. And suddenly the lonely park doesn't seem so lonely anymore, it's just alone. There's a difference.
I gulp. The aftertaste of carrots and bittersweet memories tainted with past tears, travel down my throat.
That's enough, Nina.
I'm going to have to change.
I stand up and throw away my snack wrappers in the nearest bin.
I resist the urge to just skip school and drive to the dance company. - things have to change, I remind myself.- I open the doors that resist my entrance as much as I do - alarm blaring- and finally am greeted with a glistening hallway, silent and ready. Ready for me to explore, and to take it seriously.
Well, shit, what have I gotten into now?